House full of alcohol - I don't think I'm going to make it
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi Kristy
sorry I'm so late to this...I identify with the fake family and what will the neighbours think and with keeping a happy face...that was me - secret drinker par excellence.
It got a lot harder to remain secret tho. It's a progressive thing and I lost control of it big time.
When I cleaned up I made the conscious decision - no more acting - I told everyone - LOL my family ignored it. They still offer me drinks.
But I'm sober and I know I'm a better person for it and that my life is immeasurably better without booze.
I found that, sometimes, you just need to focus and work on yourself. Took me a while to stop feeling guilty and realise it's not selfish. It's either that or go under, and then no-one wins.
And people still actually love you. Maybe even a little more, cos you're not acting.
Sobriety is possible. You can do it.
D
sorry I'm so late to this...I identify with the fake family and what will the neighbours think and with keeping a happy face...that was me - secret drinker par excellence.
It got a lot harder to remain secret tho. It's a progressive thing and I lost control of it big time.
When I cleaned up I made the conscious decision - no more acting - I told everyone - LOL my family ignored it. They still offer me drinks.
But I'm sober and I know I'm a better person for it and that my life is immeasurably better without booze.
I found that, sometimes, you just need to focus and work on yourself. Took me a while to stop feeling guilty and realise it's not selfish. It's either that or go under, and then no-one wins.
And people still actually love you. Maybe even a little more, cos you're not acting.
Sobriety is possible. You can do it.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 38
Hi Kristy,
Wow, we are all so very much alike.
I could put away half a fifth of vodka or a bottle of wine in a very short time, and the only thing that would give me away would be my eyes. I get glassy eyed really quickly when I drink, and it is very noticable. Otherwise, you would never have guessed. My speech, demeanor, behavior was very low key and no one would know that I was smashed. What a huge amount of energy it took to hold onto that facade!!
I know what you mean about having to put on a happy face or deal with grief from your husband. I lived that for way too many years. Honestly, if I was sober and he was wasted, it was easier to just drink and be done with it than to have to pretend that I was in the same la-la land as he was. When I would try to stop drinking and try to share the feelings that go with that, it would send him over the edge. I think partly because he didn't want to deal with my feelings and partly because he knew that he had some problems with addictions of his own. I was an unwanted reminder of that.
Anyway, Kristy, this is my fifth day of sobriety, and I have been a weekend drinker, so tonight, Friday night, I am feeling a little antsy. You mentioned reading drunk. I love books and reading, and it would pain me so much when I was too drunk to even focus my eyes on the pages. Even when I could focus, I couldn't absorb what I was reading. You don't sound like a boring person to me at all. Reading, learning new things, gardening--all of that is the good stuff of life. The partying and drinking ourselves senseless is not only life-threatening--it's just plain crazy! Yet we do it over and over. Until something in us tells us it's time to stop. That's where I am, and it sounds like that might be where you are too.
If there is one thing that can be said about alcoholics, they are certainly persistent and strong-willed people. If you use those traits to your advantage, you can do this. There are many, many people here and all over the world who have shown it can be done. Just hang in there, Kristy. I'm hangin' in there with ya.
Take care of yourself; you are important.
Cekiya
I'm gonna go curl up on clean sheets with a book and a glass of Perrier with lemon. And I'm gonna wake up on a Saturday morning for the first time in many years with a clear head. Life is good.
Wow, we are all so very much alike.
I could put away half a fifth of vodka or a bottle of wine in a very short time, and the only thing that would give me away would be my eyes. I get glassy eyed really quickly when I drink, and it is very noticable. Otherwise, you would never have guessed. My speech, demeanor, behavior was very low key and no one would know that I was smashed. What a huge amount of energy it took to hold onto that facade!!
I know what you mean about having to put on a happy face or deal with grief from your husband. I lived that for way too many years. Honestly, if I was sober and he was wasted, it was easier to just drink and be done with it than to have to pretend that I was in the same la-la land as he was. When I would try to stop drinking and try to share the feelings that go with that, it would send him over the edge. I think partly because he didn't want to deal with my feelings and partly because he knew that he had some problems with addictions of his own. I was an unwanted reminder of that.
Anyway, Kristy, this is my fifth day of sobriety, and I have been a weekend drinker, so tonight, Friday night, I am feeling a little antsy. You mentioned reading drunk. I love books and reading, and it would pain me so much when I was too drunk to even focus my eyes on the pages. Even when I could focus, I couldn't absorb what I was reading. You don't sound like a boring person to me at all. Reading, learning new things, gardening--all of that is the good stuff of life. The partying and drinking ourselves senseless is not only life-threatening--it's just plain crazy! Yet we do it over and over. Until something in us tells us it's time to stop. That's where I am, and it sounds like that might be where you are too.
If there is one thing that can be said about alcoholics, they are certainly persistent and strong-willed people. If you use those traits to your advantage, you can do this. There are many, many people here and all over the world who have shown it can be done. Just hang in there, Kristy. I'm hangin' in there with ya.
Take care of yourself; you are important.
Cekiya
I'm gonna go curl up on clean sheets with a book and a glass of Perrier with lemon. And I'm gonna wake up on a Saturday morning for the first time in many years with a clear head. Life is good.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
soul....
Quoting Rusty..
at the end of my drinking carrer, i couldnt get drunk.. it was buzzed to blackouts
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was like this too...but my blackouts were weird..I wreacked havoc..stayed on my
feet..drove for hundreds of miles...and couldn't recall anything but glimpses
that tortured my mid when I came of it.
I was ashamed to go to work the next mornig after partying with friends because
they would tell me what I did. Usually I could not believe it! Especially if I had
done something I shouldn't with one of them!
Eventually they didn't want me around..I just could not drink like normal
people.
I got into fights..anger and rage came out...I had been abused also. That
rage was terrible...I remember coming to in a corner of my apartment many
times after crying myself to sleep..saying over and over again..
'I am not a bad person"..shame and guilt ruled. Then I set out to seek
blackouts and oblivion..anything to not "feel' anymore.
It is true you need to make your own decisions about your drinking.
No one else can do it for you..but you (we) also need a lot of support
from sober folks!
I am glad you came here...and that you are open about your past...
it really helps (a lot)..to "get it all out" with those who understand.
We do.
Love,
:
IO
Quoting Rusty..
at the end of my drinking carrer, i couldnt get drunk.. it was buzzed to blackouts
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was like this too...but my blackouts were weird..I wreacked havoc..stayed on my
feet..drove for hundreds of miles...and couldn't recall anything but glimpses
that tortured my mid when I came of it.
I was ashamed to go to work the next mornig after partying with friends because
they would tell me what I did. Usually I could not believe it! Especially if I had
done something I shouldn't with one of them!
Eventually they didn't want me around..I just could not drink like normal
people.
I got into fights..anger and rage came out...I had been abused also. That
rage was terrible...I remember coming to in a corner of my apartment many
times after crying myself to sleep..saying over and over again..
'I am not a bad person"..shame and guilt ruled. Then I set out to seek
blackouts and oblivion..anything to not "feel' anymore.
It is true you need to make your own decisions about your drinking.
No one else can do it for you..but you (we) also need a lot of support
from sober folks!
I am glad you came here...and that you are open about your past...
it really helps (a lot)..to "get it all out" with those who understand.
We do.
Love,
:IO
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Chicago Illinois
Posts: 65
[QUOTE=mysoulswornthin;1454056] but there is a case of beer in the fridge, a bottle of wine and a 5th of scotch on the counter. I can see the scotch from here where I'm typing. >>
Why do you have alcohol in your house???? . That's like having a match too close to the gasoline can. What do you think will happen?
Why do you have alcohol in your house???? . That's like having a match too close to the gasoline can. What do you think will happen?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 21
Yourgirl, I am so sorry that you went through what you did - but how strong you are to overcome it, gain insight, and help other people (me, at least, thank you).
Dee, thanks for the sympathy (and hope) but that guilt thing is an a** kicker. I cared for my grandmother for 5 years (alzheimer's) and with a year off I now have my mom. I love them both, don't get me wrong, but my sister flits around and "visits" without a care in the world. I'll stop before I go off on a rant. The point is, I am not in a good place, and although I'm technically a housewife, the work load is way harder than when I actually had a job. In a perfect world, I'd be working a real job - the kind they pay you for - and get a whole day off now and then. Oh, by the way, my sis doesn't work either, is financially set, but apparently has a distaste for grunt work. So much for not ranting... see why they don't like me this way? lol : )
Cekiya, wow, so many things. I love the perrier, clean sheets and a book. Is that heaven or what? The only thing I'd add is a Yankee candle and some chocolate...
And yes, something is (has been) telling me to stop. I don't know if I'm strong willed anymore, but I do still have hope I guess... I do feel better tonight. I'm re-reading 'In Harms Way'. I don't like to whine (although you all have been so kind to let me get away with it - what a luxury) and that is one book that always puts me in perspective.
IO - rage, shame and guilt along with anxiety and depression are pretty much me without a drink. Well, thats not true, just when I deal with the relatives I guess. It's strange, but I had an easier time dealing with the abuse (In my 20's a friend from work brought her daughter in, and when I realized she was the same age I was when it happened, it was like a light going on; there was no way I did anything wrong, she was just a little girl) than dealing with my family's reaction to the abuse, if you know what I mean. He was just a perv - black and white - what's their excuse? ...and now I'm the family doormat? I'm backwards, I know what to expect when I'm drinking; sober, I don't know what's going to bubble up and who I'm going to jump on (want to jump on is better, I never actually confront anyone as I am a huge coward). Anyway, thank you for the support and understanding - I'm so sorry for what you have been through, but very gratefull that you shared it.
This is why I get so itchy at night. When I can't sedate myself, all this crap keeps coming up. I think I need a personalty transplant to make this work. Oh, well a few more hours and I'll have made it another day - God willing!
Thanks ALL,
Kristy
Dee, thanks for the sympathy (and hope) but that guilt thing is an a** kicker. I cared for my grandmother for 5 years (alzheimer's) and with a year off I now have my mom. I love them both, don't get me wrong, but my sister flits around and "visits" without a care in the world. I'll stop before I go off on a rant. The point is, I am not in a good place, and although I'm technically a housewife, the work load is way harder than when I actually had a job. In a perfect world, I'd be working a real job - the kind they pay you for - and get a whole day off now and then. Oh, by the way, my sis doesn't work either, is financially set, but apparently has a distaste for grunt work. So much for not ranting... see why they don't like me this way? lol : )
Cekiya, wow, so many things. I love the perrier, clean sheets and a book. Is that heaven or what? The only thing I'd add is a Yankee candle and some chocolate...
And yes, something is (has been) telling me to stop. I don't know if I'm strong willed anymore, but I do still have hope I guess... I do feel better tonight. I'm re-reading 'In Harms Way'. I don't like to whine (although you all have been so kind to let me get away with it - what a luxury) and that is one book that always puts me in perspective.
IO - rage, shame and guilt along with anxiety and depression are pretty much me without a drink. Well, thats not true, just when I deal with the relatives I guess. It's strange, but I had an easier time dealing with the abuse (In my 20's a friend from work brought her daughter in, and when I realized she was the same age I was when it happened, it was like a light going on; there was no way I did anything wrong, she was just a little girl) than dealing with my family's reaction to the abuse, if you know what I mean. He was just a perv - black and white - what's their excuse? ...and now I'm the family doormat? I'm backwards, I know what to expect when I'm drinking; sober, I don't know what's going to bubble up and who I'm going to jump on (want to jump on is better, I never actually confront anyone as I am a huge coward). Anyway, thank you for the support and understanding - I'm so sorry for what you have been through, but very gratefull that you shared it.
This is why I get so itchy at night. When I can't sedate myself, all this crap keeps coming up. I think I need a personalty transplant to make this work. Oh, well a few more hours and I'll have made it another day - God willing!
Thanks ALL,
Kristy
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
you can do it.
one thing that helped me when I couldn't sleep - was reading authors like Michner, who bore me to tears.
I'd at least 'nap'. Many recovery books will do that for me as well, although it's probably less than cool for me to say that.
kinda dry, if ya get my drift.
one thing that helped me when I couldn't sleep - was reading authors like Michner, who bore me to tears.
I'd at least 'nap'. Many recovery books will do that for me as well, although it's probably less than cool for me to say that.
kinda dry, if ya get my drift.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 21
OnRecoveryRoad - it's my husbands. Don't see a plausible way to get rid of it right now outside of a fire or flood; even then I think he may go back to save the scotch : )
Barb, better than yesterday - the Michner thing actually made me laugh - you are SO right. I am going about this all wrong, what I should be doing is looking for books I don't like. lol The 'kinda dry' made me laugh more. Thanks, I needed that! My mom has a huge collection of John Saul... think I'll start there... please don't yell at me Saul fans (deep down you know he's a terrible, terrible writer) ; )
Barb, better than yesterday - the Michner thing actually made me laugh - you are SO right. I am going about this all wrong, what I should be doing is looking for books I don't like. lol The 'kinda dry' made me laugh more. Thanks, I needed that! My mom has a huge collection of John Saul... think I'll start there... please don't yell at me Saul fans (deep down you know he's a terrible, terrible writer) ; )
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
not terrible - just terribly predictable.
glad to read that you're hanging in!!! good job !!!
You know - I might jump back for scotch as well - it'd be a 'body memory'thing for me. I'd save it before i'd remember i don't need it any more.
glad to read that you're hanging in!!! good job !!!
You know - I might jump back for scotch as well - it'd be a 'body memory'thing for me. I'd save it before i'd remember i don't need it any more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 21
LOL - ok, I'll go with terribly predictable... either way, he should be added to the insomnia thread. Seriously, I am going to get a few of those books tomorrow, I think you may be on to something...
As far as body memory sending you back in for the scotch, at least you have class, I'd be floating down the street with the beer ; )
As far as body memory sending you back in for the scotch, at least you have class, I'd be floating down the street with the beer ; )
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 21
Well, I may not be sleeping but I'm in a much better mood than I was earlier. I'm glad I'm not the only no-goodnik out there - lol. Wow, Saul hating, ex-beer drinking women... I'm pretty sure we're in the minority : ) Ok, hating is way too strong, but somehow I'm in 'overwrite' and can't backspace, so Saul intolerant is more what I meant to say. lol, thanks Dee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 21
Dee - I’m an idiot.. Your posts were so simpatico, I made an ass out of just me, lol. We have to be in the same age range at least… you did say you knew Lynyrd Skynyrd on another thread (?) boy, I hope I’m not putting my foot in my mouth twice!
Kristy
Kristy
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