Lost Weekends
 

Hi,

I've been lurking here for quite awhile, and I realized that it was time to get to work.

I'm a weekend drinker. I can go through the workweek without a drink and it doesn't bother me, but at the end of the week, I lose total control. I also lose the entire weekend.

I hate myself for not being able to get a grip on it. I can't understand why I can go without drinking for five days, but can't manage the other two...it makes no sense. I also realize that I need to get some support, and this looks like a good place to find it.

That still, small voice in my head that I have ignored for most of my life is telling me that it is time to get my act together. I know at some level within me that nothing will work if I don't apply the spiritual principles as well as the physical and mental ones. I don't believe that I can think myself well as some recovery programs would have you believe. The same insanity that talks me into drinking isn't going to talk me out of it. I need to find a source of power that is greater than my own crazy thinking.

I have always been able to write out my thoughts better than to speak them, so a message board seems like a good place to start.

Thank you for reading this; I feel as though something has led me here.

Cekiya

Welcome Cekiya! It is a good, good place to be! Lots of help and wisdom here.

I remember lost weekends. Ummmm, I mean I don't remember them. I do remember waking up, going to the liquor store in the AM for my morning pick me up, and looking at the newspapers on the rack to verify what day it was. *whew*, it is Sunday ...

Based on your post, it sounds as if AA would be a good fit for you. It is for me. I've got about 10 months now. I was a daily/hourly drinker that would go into withdraw if I didn't have booze in my system, that lost nearly everything. Now I have reliable transportation (with a license), a good paying job, and the love of my two teenage daughters. (1 lives with me, the other lives 3 doors down).

It works, it really does.

Hi Cekiya,

Welcome!

I don't think you can talk yourself out of drinking either, though positive thoughts do help a lot. I think that getting through each craving and each day (or weekend) without drinking is what works. Each time, I got just a little bit stronger and more confident and got a bit more of a glimpse of the life that I wanted.

Welcome ceikya.You will find alot of support here. Yep-that 'insane thinking' is something we're all familiar with.I do believe recovery isn't just about stopping drinking-it's about healing my emotional/physical and spiritual self as well.When drinking I was so disconnected from my self.I'm slowly finding my way back and I know you can too.

Glad you're here.Keep reading and posting.We're here for you,

Jules :)

Hi Cekiya

I think you're making a good call. Anytimes a good time to work on whatever you think's a problem, but early is good.

Wish I had ackowledged my problem back when I was 'just' a weekend drinker :)

welcome !
D

Hi Cekiya,

I like your name, and sig line! Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you decided to post. I agree that we cannot think ourselves well. Willpower, coupled with my intellect, failed me. Again and again.
Spirituality, God, has been a source of strength for me, although I was reluctant to turn the reins over to Him. When I do, and humbly ask His help, everything seems to run more smoothly.
Please continue to post and share whatever comes to mind.
I was a weekend binger too - I can identify.

Glad you're here :)

Rowan

I was a weekend warrior too. Then it also became a nightly thing. I just decided I had enough and made a commitment to change.

Welcome Cekiya!
Please don't hate yourself. I had (have?) a lot of self-hatred, but I'm learning to like myself again. Getting rid of the alcohol was a big step forward for me. Stick around and keep posting. There are a lot of folks here that have went and are going through the same things. I myself was a daily black-out drinker.

Glad you are here.

LRH

Welcome, although I'm new here as well. I so much related to your story. I knew I was drinking myself to death but for whatever reason I couldn't turn it off. AA helped a ton but I still never even lasted a month (and that only happened one time in 3 years of saying "Monday I'll stop drinking..." (Monday seems to always be when I'm going to start dieting, or begin exercising, or getting my house unpacked :) I will admit I'm a very strong person and never drank, nor was tempted until I was 32 and my girlfriend on her 21st birthday begged me to drink with her. Her wish came true and was my biggest mistake. I don't blame her at all, nor my DH, who I began seriously drinking with. It was all new to me.

I was an extremely high functioning alcoholic. I had a six figure income and was able to cover my ass. It was obvious to my co-workers as I began spiralling deeper. My boss said to me on at least 3 occassions, "I don't care if you're mentally insane, a drug addict, or an alcoholic. All creative geniuses are. We're just lucky to have you."

All this to say, I couldn't stop. In fact, I dreampt ever night about trying to find where I'd hid my liquor, or being on a vacation with my family (who are deeply religious and have never drank) and trying to sneak off for a quick second to run to a bar.

For me it literally took almost dying. Hopefully it won't be as dramatic for you. All I can say is that the ONLY thing that saved my life, is I turned to my higher power and cried and prayed throughout the day for at least two months, begging Him for a second chance. I haven't had a temptation to drink, nor those dreams, once I put my life in His hands.

I'm a very spiritual person and for me, this was the only thing that saved me. Trying to find the light when I was in the dark. AA is the most inspired program I've ever been a part of (in fact, I wish my church was more like an AA meeting.) If you just go, you'll begin to feel it, and soon, you'll crave that love and support much more than alcohol. You could come in after downing a big bottle of Vodka, and people would hug you and tell you they're proud of you for coming to the meeting. It's completely without judgement. I realize only an addict can relate to my insanity with addictions. I master one and find a new one. Last week it was Ibuprofen PM (imagine how embarassing it would be to die from that after surviving kidney and renal failure?) This week I've stayed away from Ibuprofen (it seriously damages your kidneys for those of you who don't know that, I didn't) and now am eating salty foods and sweets from generally 11 p.m. until 1 a.m. even though I have a surgically reduced stomach and the fact that my regaining my health put me at my thinnest EVER, I literally don't recognize myself in the mirror and people don't recognize me so I have to remind them who I am-- all that to say I don't think I'll drink again because I love my new body so much and am so much more comfortable. My DH can actually hold me in his arms and I feel teensy and protected, a feeling so soothing. So why the hell am I not drinking and binging? I don't know. I only know I have a self-destruct button that I need to find and turn off. I haven't been going to AA since I was feeling so "in control", um denial, and am going with my DH tomorrow to ask for input and support.

Feel free to e-mail me anytime, I'm new to sobriety as well, and learn something new every day. But I will say at the risk of coming off too spiritual, that I begin to slowly make teensy mistakes that snowball when I feel "in control" and forget to pray each day and night asking Him to continue holding on to me as I put my life in His. I couldn't control it myself and He's doing a great job!

Still, I'm sure it's different for everyone. At least you posted, seriously, big hurrah for you. That is a major step whether you realize it or not. It's the beginning of regaining control of your life and finding inner serenity.

Good luck and I'll ask the big guy to help you out right now!

:) Jenn

I started off as a weekend user and drinker. I thought it couldn't be that bad if I was only using on the weekends as was managing to stay sober the rest of the week. I lost all my weekends too. I started using in the week even though I had given myself rules about that and that's when it really started to go downhill. I highly recommend AA, go to a meeting (a few actually) and see how you feel. Good luck and keep coming back!

:) I came on just now to do SR service work
and it seems to fit this thread too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-support/

Welcome Cekiya.... Cindys10... Jen

Hi Cekiya and welcome! :)

It sounds like you know something of AA or if you dont you are going to LOVE AA! :)

I am in AA and although I sometimes wonder about it I am glad I am a member. :)

Good Morning, and thanks to all of you for your gracious welcome.

I mentioned that I am only drinking on weekends, and that is currently true. I have had problems with addictions of all sorts for my entire life. Now, in my fifties, it is time to come to terms with all of it. Humility does not come easily to me. I am weary, though, of trying to run the Universe by myself. I finally understand that I can’t do squat about much of anything other than to accept that I can’t do squat about much of anything.

I know that I am not alone in my madness. All I have to do is look around me wherever I am. At work people are posturing and pretending to be something they are not, all because they are afraid, and think that a job is their key to security. On the highway, people are frustrated with their lives and believe that every other driver is put in their way to frustrate them even more, so they take their rage out on one another. In homes, people who are “supposed” to be nurturing and kind family members are fighting and lying and sucking the life out of each other because they are scared. And our political systems and government-- I think we all know what a travesty that is. Everyone is scared, but few will admit it, and even fewer will do the hard work of trying to change themselves. It can be very lonely when one decides to make an attempt to rise above the insanity.

I have tried just about everything to escape my madness—drugs, alcohol, food, sex, spending, if it felt good, I went over the top with it. None of it has worked. After bouts of eating disorders, anxiety attacks from drugs, credit card debt out the whazoo, regular blackouts from drinking, and two divorces, I am ready to give it up. I could pick any of the twelve-step groups and it would apply. I don’t have a problem with just any one behavior or substance; I have a problem with trying to escape from myself.

And—I Know that the answer is spiritual. I have read a bazillion books on spirituality and recovery. Though, helpful, I won’t recover by reading words. I have to live what I know is Truth. That means that I can no longer treat my mind, body and spirit as disposable garbage. That is what I have done all my life. I cannot imagine treating any living being as horribly as I have treated myself. People are put in prison for treating others as badly as I have treated myself.

I have been in a prison—a self-created prison, entrapped by my obsession to try to solve a problem with the same mind that created it. How futile that is. I now am ready to do whatever it takes to get out of jail, and I know that the key is to be found in something much greater than anything on this earth.

I am grateful to you for being here.

Cekiya

:) I too was addicted to More.
And the more I had the less it mattered.

These days I am pocket poor...spiritually rich.
I am a miracle..and so can you be.

Blessings

Cekiya


Sounds like you know what has to be done. NOW, go out and do it. THAT'S the hard part. But it's soooooooo worth it.

Cekiya, I can relate to 100% of what you said as if I was syaing it myself. You know the problem and have stated it. Now you need to get out there and put your money where your mouth is, if you'll pardon the expression. You need to change if you are going to, not just talk about it. I am glad you found us and I hope you get some recovery really soon.

nice to meet you, cekiya! and nice to see other new folks here!

keep coming back!

blessings, k

Your post is very honest and heartfelt and it sounds like you now see the road you need to follow. I, too was exhausted in every way from trying to control everything in my life. It's not easy to let go of it all but it's so very peaceful.

A book that really helped me to grasp the spiritual aspect of addiction is called "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav.

Welcome to SR,

Looking forward to seeing your posts and wishing you all the best on your journey to recovery...

You can do this...