Emily2002

K. I thought I'd been so good... Checking in, posting. Day 3 today, maybe 2, but I'm not sure. Went from feeling SO certain I could keep going at 3:00 to to giving in at about 6PM. "It's the Summer." "I'll get back into the whole abstinence thing in the fall." "Once the kids start back." I've had two martini's, the vodka's gone, and my husband's left with the oldest until about 11PM. I basically panicked, gulped down the red cooking wine I found, ate WAY too much (try to lose to lower BP) and feel HORRIBLE.

How many times can I do this?

So sorry to all those I posted to earlier in the day saying "keep it up." I obviously did didn't...

igetallnumb

Dont be sorry .... dont be sorry at all.... :hugs:

We all slip we all fall but you need to pick yourself back up and keep going we got your hand we will help you not to fall again

IO Storm

Leaf...

I did that!

The craving got so bad...once..I ran out of beer money..

I was cooking spaghetti and got the shakes..well..let's say the cooking

wine never made in into the food. Blew up like a blowfish from the sodium..

Don't beat yourself up..

And the thing about keeping up...

Try to get into a program..AA's great!

Love,

:

IO

Emily2002

Thanks. got the buzz going... glad I checked back. I'm wrestling right now with the whole AA thing. First -- I have NO time to myself except for a few minutes off and on -- hence my loving this forum -- but I'm afraid I'm either going to see someone I know at a meeting, someone who knows someone I know, or someone who'll blow my cover. I'm also nrevous about living up to the whole 12 step program. I feel ready to quit, but I don't know if I'm ready for every step of the program. I am so f'ing stressed all of the time. A 17 year old son who's been throwing us for a loop, two 16 year old daughters who are trying to show they're independent of Mom, and a son who's 12 tomorrow who has expressed some concern as to whether or not he likes boys or girls. These kids are heavily involved in high level sports, acting, hours of service learning, and work. As of today none of them drive and at LEAST three out of the four have ADD and can't find their ways out of paper bags.

I'm just freakin' overwhelmed 24/7 and am trying to pull things together to stay healthy, be a better parent, and finally LIKE living.

I stopped meds six months ago for depression because I gained 40 pounds on top of high blood pressure and I feel like I'm treading water.

Reading this forum will be my lifeline, I know. I PRAY I'll end up like many of you who've at least made peace with themselves.

You give me hope.

micepod

((Leaf))

Don't be sorry.

I know how overwhelming eveything can be. Don't beat yourself up.

There definitely is hope.

Karen

stone

Hang in there NewLeaf...

igetallnumb

Darling .... the whole time you were drinking tonight
.... you could have been to a meeting... trust me .... im not an alcoholic but I am an addict...I know you have kids ....

But im sure your kids would benefit from you getting better... all it takes is an hour....

Im sure you have an hour ...

In the name of health

Emily2002

Trying so hard not to get totally obliterated.

omg. I am so tired of trying all the time. I want to be the kind of person I know I am, the person I know I CAN be. Don't really remmeber entirely where I went wrong. What came first, the alchohol or the depression? Acohol brings me up, alcohol brings me down. The meds even me out but they hurt me -- the alchohol makes me feel just right -- but they hurt me too. I feel caught.

I know that once I get through tonight I'll feel tired and (probably) hung over tomorrow. I know also that I have you guys to tap for some insight, forgiveness, ideas.

Emily2002

the free houer -- It usually doesn't exist.

Didn't anticipate drinking.

You're right. Perhaps a meeting would have helped. But again, don't know if I'm ready. Ready to try quitting, but wrestling with AA...

You're right, I know.

Feel bad enough.

Rowan

New Leaf,

You can start over at any time - you can do this, you know. I know it's hard, but the work is worth it.
Please keep posting here.

igetallnumb

when your ready then hunni you go

I hope you didnt think i was judging you im not... im fighting my own temptations belive me

parentrecovers

hugs and support, k

Emily2002

Well - guess this is day 1 again. Kept my breakfast down, so I guess that's the first good thing that happened to me today. Still feel like crap, though, and hope the ibuprofin I just took doesn't make the heartburn than woke me up at 4AM worse...

I did take a look online at AA meeting locations. It sounds like many of you can go just about any day. Do you go to different locations on different days? And what is the difference between all the different types of meetings? Speaker, Discussion, Step, etc. I also see beginners. Can someone like me go to any of them? What is the difference between and open and closed meeting?

Have to meet my dad for lunch today, when all I want to do is stay home and nurse this hangover. Don't want my husband to know I drank more last night after he left with my son. Ashamed. Just want to move forward.

parentrecovers

open meetings are for folks who want to quit drinking and also for anyone else who wants to attend - family members, friends, etc. closed meetings are just for folks who want to quit drinking.

you can go to any of them that fit your schedule - speaker, step, discussion, beginner. they're just different mtg formats, that's all - same message..

i know when i first started going to alanon, i tried different ones for a few months, then settled in with my favorite group.

good luck! k

AcceptingChange

hi newleaf,
welcome to day 1.
Since you're like me, and wanting to escape the pain of daily life,
here's something i use. If it helps, please use it.
You need to associatepain and future agony with alcohol & pills.
You know it will push this moment's pain into the future.
It won't remove the pain, just defer it until later.
The truth is, you MUST deal with the pain. There is no way out.
Temporarily escaping by chemicals right now only leaves you less strong to deal with the greater problem tomorrow.

So, associate the drink with more pain, more agony, more terror, and less control over your life.
I really, truly believe these ideas. I want it to be different. I want the chemicals to make me happy today and all in the future. But i know that's a lie.
My reaction to that truth doesn't change the truthfulness of that fact.

Please keep posting here, and using this wonderful resource.
It's really a warm, helpfilled place.

juliee

NewLeaf,
Good for you on the recognizing the problem and wanting to do something about it. I know all to well the self-hatred....TRY not to let it get the best of you. I am still a newbie and "try again" is my middle name. I know it can be done though cuzz so many here are living witnesses!

Rowan

Good morning New Leaf,

Good to see you sober! I'm glad you're thinking ahead. Please keep posting and let us know what's happening - we care.

Rowan

Missymae737

Good morning New Leaf,

Check in with us and let us know how you are doing...

Thinking of you...

micepod

Good Morning New Leaf

I'm glad to see that you are back. I agree with what AcceptingChange wrote. We have to associate the pain with the alcohol. I try to do this myself. So far it's working pretty well. I have made it to day 6.

We are here for you.

Karen

Emily2002

Thanks to all of you, I'm feeling much better about things in general.

My husband just got in from the grocery store, is pouring the deadly (to me) martini, and I FEEL GREAT about having some tonic water and LOTS of ice. We had a good talk earlier this morning, too, and I told him I may check out an AA meeting. He asked, "Why?" and I tried to explain. He'll support anything I choose, but I don't think he realizes just how much I've been struggling or how hopeless I've felt. It's also the whole "AA" stigma, I'm sure.

Anyway -- I also revisited the whole topic of my trouble with alcohol with my dad, this afternoon. He was wonderful about it all, and we spoke at length about how it affected my mom -- its toxicity for some people.

All in all a good day.