Heartbroken
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 20
Heartbroken
Hello,
I am new here but I really need somewhere to go !!
I have always been an out of control drunk... I loose control !!! I have up til now been able to cope at work. I don't drink during the week IF I have work the following day, but for the last few months I have been drinking out of control and getting myself in situations that I can't remember getting into. Blackouts !!!
This past weekend my life was turned upside down because I got so drunk that I ended up doing something that has hurt my husband very very much. It has turned both our lives upside down and we want to stay together but I just can't drink anymore. I just don't know how I am going to go about all of this ? I have gotten in touch with AA and will be attending my first meeting tomorrow but I am so scared, and so ashamed of the things I have done to my husband, myself and US.
I am just coming to the realization that I have a problem but when I think about it it has been going on for years. I have been drinking myself into oblivion on more than one occasion and I just don't want it anymore. I am scared of losing people in my life and their respect, but I already know that a lot of people think I'm a clown.
Most of all I just don't want to lose my husband but I know that once I drink... I might get myself in another situation. Does any of this make any sense to anyone ??? It's as if drinking turns me into a demon... and my personality changes. I just don't think... PERIOD !!!
I am just so heartbroken because I have hurt my husband. He has not once told me that he is going to leave me. He wants us to work this out, but I am so sad because I am such a pathetic loser !!!
Both my parents have had issues with alcohol but have never admitted to having problems. I just feel so scared and empty. I don't want to let myself or my husband down again, but I really need to find the strength. I just can't touch another drink again !!!
Yasmin 1970
I am new here but I really need somewhere to go !!
I have always been an out of control drunk... I loose control !!! I have up til now been able to cope at work. I don't drink during the week IF I have work the following day, but for the last few months I have been drinking out of control and getting myself in situations that I can't remember getting into. Blackouts !!!
This past weekend my life was turned upside down because I got so drunk that I ended up doing something that has hurt my husband very very much. It has turned both our lives upside down and we want to stay together but I just can't drink anymore. I just don't know how I am going to go about all of this ? I have gotten in touch with AA and will be attending my first meeting tomorrow but I am so scared, and so ashamed of the things I have done to my husband, myself and US.
I am just coming to the realization that I have a problem but when I think about it it has been going on for years. I have been drinking myself into oblivion on more than one occasion and I just don't want it anymore. I am scared of losing people in my life and their respect, but I already know that a lot of people think I'm a clown.
Most of all I just don't want to lose my husband but I know that once I drink... I might get myself in another situation. Does any of this make any sense to anyone ??? It's as if drinking turns me into a demon... and my personality changes. I just don't think... PERIOD !!!
I am just so heartbroken because I have hurt my husband. He has not once told me that he is going to leave me. He wants us to work this out, but I am so sad because I am such a pathetic loser !!!
Both my parents have had issues with alcohol but have never admitted to having problems. I just feel so scared and empty. I don't want to let myself or my husband down again, but I really need to find the strength. I just can't touch another drink again !!!
Yasmin 1970
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hi and welcome Yasmin! I think you have done the right thing getting in touch with AA and finding this forum.
Yes!!!!!!!! It makes total sense to me and everyone else with a drinking problem/alcoholism.
You might want to check out the 'stickies' at the top of the alcoholism forum, there is some good info there.
Does any of this make any sense to anyone ??? It's as if drinking turns me into a demon... and my personality changes.
You might want to check out the 'stickies' at the top of the alcoholism forum, there is some good info there.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Yes, Yasmin, I understand the loss of control you are talking about.
I definitely became a different person when I drank and it was horrible.
It's very hard when you know that you are hurting your family, but you still can't stop drinking. I am glad you have decided to live a sober life and please know that you can find lots of support here.
I definitely became a different person when I drank and it was horrible.
It's very hard when you know that you are hurting your family, but you still can't stop drinking. I am glad you have decided to live a sober life and please know that you can find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: To the East
Posts: 81
WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME, you are in the right place, so many of us have felt the same way you do and have been where you are right now as a result of our drinking. Go to a meeting today and reach out your hand and say you are new and willing to go to any lengths to stay sober a day at a time. I was in your same situation years ago and was a daily drinker and caused so much havoc you have no idea. People will not judge you or look down on you or make you feel bad at AA. THe program will teach you how to live without alcohol, you are worth it - take care of yourself and please please keep reaching out, it is the first step. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable".
You have taken the first step. I am an alcoholic but a day at a time I stay sober. It is possible!!! It works!!
I am thinking about you and wishing you all the luck in the world...
Loreena
You have taken the first step. I am an alcoholic but a day at a time I stay sober. It is possible!!! It works!!
I am thinking about you and wishing you all the luck in the world...
Loreena
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Yasmin
I think most of us, if not all of us, have been there, or something simlar. It's horrible it's soul destroying but at least it's bought you to a decision. I used to think I was weak and a loser and a terrible person. I know now it was my addiction and its effect on me.
I wish you the best.
welcome to ya
D
I think most of us, if not all of us, have been there, or something simlar. It's horrible it's soul destroying but at least it's bought you to a decision. I used to think I was weak and a loser and a terrible person. I know now it was my addiction and its effect on me.
I wish you the best.
welcome to ya
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 20
Thank you for responding !!
I love life... you know ??? My problem is that I have forgotten how to have fun without drinking... is it possible ??? ( deep down I know that it is )
I am just disgusted by myself and who I have become !!! I have NOT had anything to drink since Sunday.
I love life... you know ??? My problem is that I have forgotten how to have fun without drinking... is it possible ??? ( deep down I know that it is )
I am just disgusted by myself and who I have become !!! I have NOT had anything to drink since Sunday.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Yasmin,
Here is a great link as to what to expect at your first AA meeting. I know I wish I had read this before I ever went. This is very accurate for America, I assume it would be very close to accurate in your part of the world:
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/F...0AA%20Meetings
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
Here is a great link as to what to expect at your first AA meeting. I know I wish I had read this before I ever went. This is very accurate for America, I assume it would be very close to accurate in your part of the world:
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/F...0AA%20Meetings
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 20
Thank you Loreena
I just know that I have to do this !!!!
The worst part is talking to a lot of my friends who say... well if you just drink wine and beer....then, it's easier. It's the stronger spirits that are bad. My problem is that when I drink beer and wine... I tend to lose judgement end will start drinking stronger stuff... that again causes me to have the blackouts. I woke up on Sunday and I knew that I just can't handle alcohol AT ALL, but god I wanted to drink so bad. I have tried to stay off the harder stuff before and it's a battle I lose every time !!!!
I have been trying to be open and honest to some of the people around me in the last few days and it's as if they don't want to admit to themselves that I can't drink. My husband and I sat up talking for hours last night and he is remembering so many situations now. It's as if he has been in denial about it too. I have done silly things before, like falling over and behaving like a total crazy person, but I am guessing that most of you understand that this time... I crossed the line to such an extent that I am having problems talking about it. Makes me sick !!!!!!
Is it ok to tell people around you... listen, I am an alcoholic. I abuse alcohol to such an extent that I hurt myself and others. I am trying to stay off this stuff, so please respect me and understand me !!! I have been trying to tell some of my friends but I feel as if they are in denial about it.
Sorry... I am venting here, but a part of me wants to scream it out to the world... I am a drunk and an alcoholic, leave me alone and please don't stop loving me !!!!
Yasmin
The worst part is talking to a lot of my friends who say... well if you just drink wine and beer....then, it's easier. It's the stronger spirits that are bad. My problem is that when I drink beer and wine... I tend to lose judgement end will start drinking stronger stuff... that again causes me to have the blackouts. I woke up on Sunday and I knew that I just can't handle alcohol AT ALL, but god I wanted to drink so bad. I have tried to stay off the harder stuff before and it's a battle I lose every time !!!!
I have been trying to be open and honest to some of the people around me in the last few days and it's as if they don't want to admit to themselves that I can't drink. My husband and I sat up talking for hours last night and he is remembering so many situations now. It's as if he has been in denial about it too. I have done silly things before, like falling over and behaving like a total crazy person, but I am guessing that most of you understand that this time... I crossed the line to such an extent that I am having problems talking about it. Makes me sick !!!!!!
Is it ok to tell people around you... listen, I am an alcoholic. I abuse alcohol to such an extent that I hurt myself and others. I am trying to stay off this stuff, so please respect me and understand me !!! I have been trying to tell some of my friends but I feel as if they are in denial about it.
Sorry... I am venting here, but a part of me wants to scream it out to the world... I am a drunk and an alcoholic, leave me alone and please don't stop loving me !!!!
Yasmin
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
AA will give you the solution to a life that is serene, happy, productive and without shame. you can do it. get to your first meeting and take it from there. i hear you i've been there too - adn there IS a solution.
good luck - and well done!
cathy31
x
good luck - and well done!
cathy31
x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 118
Hi Yasmin - Welcome
So much of what you wrote I can relate to - so you're not alone. My partner tells me that when I drink it's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, it hurts when he sais that, but I know it's true. Alcohol alters our personalities so much it's scary.
Last valentines day I screwed up big time with my partner! But a good thing came out of it because I stopped drinking for three months (I'm struggling a bit now, but I want to be sober again) maybe this will do it for you and it's the kick you need to stop completely!
Don't be ashamed when you go to AA - one time when I went, I hardly said a word, I just cried through the whole thing - but everyone was so supportive. They all know what you're going through - so don't feel ashamed or embarassed!
I hope that works out for you - I know what a struggle staying sober can be. Anytime you want to talk, or feel like you wanna drink... just come here and post. There is always support here.
Take Care Yasmin!
FallGirl
So much of what you wrote I can relate to - so you're not alone. My partner tells me that when I drink it's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, it hurts when he sais that, but I know it's true. Alcohol alters our personalities so much it's scary.
Last valentines day I screwed up big time with my partner! But a good thing came out of it because I stopped drinking for three months (I'm struggling a bit now, but I want to be sober again) maybe this will do it for you and it's the kick you need to stop completely!
Don't be ashamed when you go to AA - one time when I went, I hardly said a word, I just cried through the whole thing - but everyone was so supportive. They all know what you're going through - so don't feel ashamed or embarassed!
I hope that works out for you - I know what a struggle staying sober can be. Anytime you want to talk, or feel like you wanna drink... just come here and post. There is always support here.
Take Care Yasmin!
FallGirl
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Welcome Yasmin . I feel the pain in your post. I also see that you already know what to start doing... which is to stop drinking. This forum is a great source of info and support.If you stick around you'll find out you're not alone and you can do this.
. I feel the pain in your post. I also see that you already know what to start doing... which is to stop drinking. This forum is a great source of info and support.If you stick around you'll find out you're not alone and you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: www.ericwhitfieldart.com
Posts: 114
welcome. It sounds to me that your husband knows someting you don't. Take a lesson from him - YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
Let us know how your meeting goes. I am so glad you are here - Thank you for sharing.
Let us know how your meeting goes. I am so glad you are here - Thank you for sharing.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Hello Yasmin, and welcome! You have found the right places. This website is a good supplement to AA meetings, (but its not a substitute). You'll find lots of support and good help here too.
First of all, you are not alone... Its not just a trite saying. We've all been exactly where you're at right now, and we all hated it just as much as you do. You aren't crazy, or evil, or a loser. Like us, you got caught up in something that's been trying to kill you.
"...Its not that I wanted to die, its just that I had forgotten how to live..."
That statement certainly applied to me. Part of my own "personality disintegration" included suicidal thoughts. I thought that I had "pushed the envelope" too far in one direction (drinking) so that it wasn't possible anymore for me to feel happy or good about "normal" (non-drinking) things anymore. What a lie. Its another example of how alcohol had taken over.
Here's a link to a thread you might find interesting.
Excerpts...
Don't worry about "...never drinking again...", its not about that... What its about is "...not drinking right now..." and "...not drinking just for today...". Sometimes its day to day -- sometimes its hour to hour -- sometimes it can even be minute to minute.
An old-timer once said, "...Just don't drink between meetings... and come to a meeting every day..."
You've taken the first step. Remember what you're feeling right now so you can think about it later, when you AREN'T feeling this way. What you're going through is only temporary, no matter how crummy it feels.
You can get through this. You are not alone!
...And oh yeah, when people ask me, I usually say "...No thanks, alcohol gives me nightmares..."
First of all, you are not alone... Its not just a trite saying. We've all been exactly where you're at right now, and we all hated it just as much as you do. You aren't crazy, or evil, or a loser. Like us, you got caught up in something that's been trying to kill you.
"...Its not that I wanted to die, its just that I had forgotten how to live..."
That statement certainly applied to me. Part of my own "personality disintegration" included suicidal thoughts. I thought that I had "pushed the envelope" too far in one direction (drinking) so that it wasn't possible anymore for me to feel happy or good about "normal" (non-drinking) things anymore. What a lie. Its another example of how alcohol had taken over.
Here's a link to a thread you might find interesting.
Excerpts...
Don't worry about "...never drinking again...", its not about that... What its about is "...not drinking right now..." and "...not drinking just for today...". Sometimes its day to day -- sometimes its hour to hour -- sometimes it can even be minute to minute.
An old-timer once said, "...Just don't drink between meetings... and come to a meeting every day..."
You've taken the first step. Remember what you're feeling right now so you can think about it later, when you AREN'T feeling this way. What you're going through is only temporary, no matter how crummy it feels.
You can get through this. You are not alone!
...And oh yeah, when people ask me, I usually say "...No thanks, alcohol gives me nightmares..."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Welcome yasmin,
Someone told me yesterday that when I drank, I lost self respect...Drinking put me into the land of oblivion...My last drinking episode was like this...Drink to pass out....I didn't want to feel life anymore...How tragic is this???
So, you are not alone, but the good thing is we don't have to live in the addiction, be active in the addiction. There is so much hope. So, latch on to all the support you can.
Keep posting, we are here for you...
Someone told me yesterday that when I drank, I lost self respect...Drinking put me into the land of oblivion...My last drinking episode was like this...Drink to pass out....I didn't want to feel life anymore...How tragic is this???
So, you are not alone, but the good thing is we don't have to live in the addiction, be active in the addiction. There is so much hope. So, latch on to all the support you can.
Keep posting, we are here for you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 20
Everyone,
Thank you so much for responding to me ! I am glad I have found you all !!!! I know it's early days for me... but somehow... I hope that this is the first day of the rest my life... a better path.
I am very nervous about tomorrow(1 st meeting) My husband is being such a wonderful person and I can't believe what I have done to him..... and myself ! How do I face people after this ??? Questions questions....
I suppose things might become clearer as time goes by, but I am just lost for words at the moment. TRUTH HURTS SO MUCH and the lie I have lived is just as painful. Feels like no matter what I do... there's going to be a lof of pain involved !!!!
I will continue to come here, and I feel very blessed to have my husband. He has seen everything that I have written here and he knows the truth.. the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I want it that way from now on.
Thank you so much for all your kind words of support and wisdom.
Thank you so much for responding to me ! I am glad I have found you all !!!! I know it's early days for me... but somehow... I hope that this is the first day of the rest my life... a better path.
I am very nervous about tomorrow(1 st meeting) My husband is being such a wonderful person and I can't believe what I have done to him..... and myself ! How do I face people after this ??? Questions questions....
I suppose things might become clearer as time goes by, but I am just lost for words at the moment. TRUTH HURTS SO MUCH and the lie I have lived is just as painful. Feels like no matter what I do... there's going to be a lof of pain involved !!!!
I will continue to come here, and I feel very blessed to have my husband. He has seen everything that I have written here and he knows the truth.. the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I want it that way from now on.
Thank you so much for all your kind words of support and wisdom.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Welcome to SR. You're in the right place. I totally understand when you talk about losing control and feeling ashamed. You're making the right steps calling AA and being here at the boards.
Keep us posted! And keep posting.
hugs
Keep us posted! And keep posting.
hugs
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi Yasmin
"Is it ok to tell people around you... listen, I am an alcoholic. I abuse alcohol to such an extent that I hurt myself and others. I am trying to stay off this stuff, so please respect me and understand me !!!"
Heck yeah its ok!
Heck yeah its ok!
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