Scared
 

As you can all no doubt tell, I've just joined the forum after spending literally hours reading blogs etc written by recovering alcoholics. After reading quite a few threads here, I noticed there's some very helpful people here so I though joining would be a good idea.

To give a brief history I'll start when I was 11, the first time I got drunk. My sister, 5 years my senior, was celebrating her birthday and decided to give me some of the bourbon she was drinking. After a few mouthfuls the glow enveloped me and I was humming. About an hour later, I woke up and vomited into an ashtray, not remembering going to sleep. The first blackout of hundreds more to come.

I didn't touch alcohol again until about the age of 14 when I drank around 8 cans of beer and immediately looked for something to destroy. My drinking since then hasn't really ceased; the biggest gap between then and now (I'm 29) would be around 5 months. Also, from 14 until about 20 I smoked marijuana frequently but had to stop as I developed severe anxiety attacks when I was 16. Yes, so determined was I to get high I smoked for 4 more years hoping they'd just go away. Luckily about 18 months ago I managed to finally knock them in the head with a combination of medication and CBT – not to mention a fantastic Buddhist doctor.

For the past 9 years, my drinking has slowly escalated (apart from the aforementioned hiatus) to the point where today was the first day I was actually scared of myself, thinking I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to go and buy something to drink. Luckily I managed to refrain and have been sober all day, the first time in about a week.

I have a genuine desire to stop, as my writing this suggests, but I'm fearful. I keep thinking of the future, my friends, the career I'm wanting to pursue and my seeming lack of ability to enjoy myself whilst sober.

To elaborate, I'm from Australia originally and have lived in the UK for 15 months now, after meeting my now wife online. Our marriage is excellent and she's ever so supportive. Although I love being here, I'm naturally missing my family and friends, both groups being small but close. Whenever I think of stopping, the usual questions arise concerning what I'll do when I go back to visit, surely I'll end up drinking etc. This of course ties in with the bored when sober feeling I mentioned earlier.

The other part that frightens me is my wanting to join a band over here. I've played drums for 15 years and want to pursue that as it's my one true dream. More worries surface and I find myself wondering how I'll do it sober and resisting temptation (as that industry is wont to have). I know I should only concentrate on now as the future doesn't exist but I can't seem to stop myself.

I'm guess what I'm wanting to know is how can I get around all the questions that frankly scare me to death. One half of me yearns for the clean lifestyle yet the other rallies against it, telling myself I'll never do it. This state of mental warring is an everyday thing for me. A respite from the self-doubt would be very welcome.

Thanks all for your time.

Glad you are here with us...Welcome!
:)
Here is a link to a book that convinced
me to find recovery...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Once I got sober...my life choices improved
immensley

My best to you and your wife...:)

That addictive voice will always tell you taht you cant do it or you will never succeed without it.
It is BS.
It is possible and can be done. There is plenty of living proof here to prove that.
You need to take control and shut that AV out. Shut it up.
Glad you are here. Keep posting.
Others will be along soon.

Welcome!

I think that there is a conflict in the mind of addicts because the addict voice is very demanding. My suggestion would be to stop thinking so much about the future and do what you need to do today to not drink. Focus on the moment and how to stay sober now. You're right that will have to make some difficult decisions if you want to stay sober - such as friends and job. Trust that you will make the right choices when the time comes.

If you're an alcoholic, you'll soon have bigger problems than whether or not you should join a band. I always recommend to new people something like this: Forget about the drums, friends, career etc (what will happen afterward) and concentrate on quitting and staying sober.

You mention CBT. Does that mean AA is out of the question ? It worked for me, and millions like me. You're probably going to find quitting drinking (and staying stopped) is a LOT harder than quitting pot.

If so, you can check out the secular connections here, and they can tell you about SMART, LifeRing etc.

Good Luck and God Bless

I think you are thinkink too much? I know how scarey getting sober can be, but all these questions will be answered with a little sober time. Keep it simple. Do it one day at a time. It is your only chance.

I completely forgot to mention that I attended AA about 7 years ago for a couple of months in which time I did stay sober. The only problem these days is that I'm an atheist so a secular solution seems more apt.

Well, I've heard a lot of people substitute the group conscious as their Higher Power. I think the Big Book or the 12 X 12 even suggest this for the atheist.

I was agnostic when I came in.

I suppose that could work. I was thinking I could use the universe or something to that effect. Either way I guess going to a meeting means you're not going to the pub.

Yeah, the perfection of the Universe is good. The precise laws, that if they were just a little different, would preclude life on this planet as we know it ?

True, AND, you gt to think of somethig beside yourself for an hour or so. I don't know about you, but I've got a huge ego. Ego, contrary to popular belief, is not what you think of yourself,but how often you think of youself.

I'm about to head off to bed so I thought I'd let you guys know that I managed to stay sober for another day. I was struggling from lunch time onwards but fought the urge. I've found some AA meetings in my area so I might attend one on Wednesday.

Thanks all so much for your help and kind words.

P.S. To CarolD, I found the book you recommended on Amazon and have ordered it, should be here in a few days.

A little update to say that after my last post (Monday night) and slipped and got rather drunk on Tuesday.

Feeling quite seedy Wednesday, I went to the UK AA website, made some calls and end up contacting some AA members in my area. We had some really good talks and I've arranged to meet one member at the local meeting on Friday afternoon.

I've been coming here every day still, even reading whilst I was drunk and I've been finding the words so helpful. I'm actually starting to look forward to sobriety more than I'm dreading it.

My copy of 'Under the Influence' arrived yesterday which I've started reading. The amount of times I've nodded in recognition must be in triple figures by now.

Thanks for your post. I am 29 and seem to be in a slightly similar situation. I want to be a normal drinker who doesn't black out and act like an idiot. But I have been attempting to be normal drinker since my teen years. It hasn't worked. I need to accept who I really am.

nice to see you on the boards, arcturus - keep posting, k

Thanks for the update, Arcturus - I'm glad you are finding the book helpful, and that you have made some connections in the AA community.
Please let us know how you are doing - we do care.

Rowan