ajb

Hi, my name is Amanda, and I am an alcoholic.

This is my first post - sorry for not doing introductions, but I'm desperate to hear other alcoholics experiences. I've looked for an existing thread on this theme (and I'm guessing that there is one, I can't be the only one, surely I'm not that special!!!!!), I thought I'd go ahead and ask, as I am unable to come to a conclusion by myself, my sponser has given me all of the advice that she can, and that little voice at the back of my head has made a sudden come back, telling me 'Whats the point? You've achieved nothing, why even try?', and its getting progressively louder. I know that the only way to shut it up is to speak to another alcoholic.

I am 57 days sober, have been attending AA meetings every day, got a sponser early on, and honestly thought I was making progress. For the first time in my life, from the second I entered the rooms this time, I have felt understood. I am not evil, I am not a *****, I am an alcoholic, and by the Grace Of God, I can recover. I have made friends where i believed myself incapable of doing so, been able to honestly air my feelings without feeling judged, and was starting to see a future ahead of me. I am rapidly regaining my health, I look and feel like a different person, and my family and friends (but not my husband, sadly) are amazed by the positive changes, and I am welcome in their company again. I love my AA home group, I love the people I have met in there, and know without it, this alcoholic cannot stay sober.

But, though I was honest with my sponser about the fact that I have abused drugs (cannabis, cocaine, ephadrine, alphrazolam) for almost as long as I have alcohol, and told her that my living arrangements meant that alcohol and drugs are still often in my house, I did not tell her that since putting down the drink I had occasionally picked up a spliff, or done a line, as I reasoned with myself that, unlike alcohol, I have always been able to stop taking drugs when I have realised that there was a problem. After a night at the weekend when one spliff with my house mates while they were drinking became a line, which became an all night session, followed by an overwhelming compulsion to steal and do another gram over the next few days, the guilt and shame were back (though I did not pick up a drink), and I felt I had to admit to myself that I cannot touch any mind altering substance, and admitted all to my sponser. My sponser has given me the best advice that she can, but she thinks I need to seek out another sponser who is dually addicted (but I do not think that I am!!!). And though I called NA and am going to go to the local meeting on Thursday (my 60 days) to hopefully find others like me, I don't believe that I am an addict (I KNOW I am an alcoholic), and know that in all honesty I cannot take the first step with NA. What I do know is that I can put down the spliff, and have, but I feel like a total fake when I go to my AA meetings now

I have been to 3 AA meetings since this coke slip, and have avoided talking to people about it, as it is not about alcohol, but now feel guilty for being there. It has also been suggested to me that I should not meantion my sobriety, as 50% of my group will probably not see it that way. I feel as if I have alienated myself from not only my sponser, but from my entire home group, and that I have no right to be there. Most of all, I am devistated to think that my sober days count for nothing, and that I will be judged in the one place I felt I belonged. I honestly felt that my complusion to drink had been lifted, but it is back, along with the voice feeling me I might as well give up.

I feel more lost and confused that I ever did, and am terrified of what might happen (I had an alcohol slip 58 days ago, after 21 days sobriety, and I don't want to go back to that place again every). I would welcome any advice (or redirection to an existing post on this subject).

Anna

Hi ajb and welcome,

It sounds like you recognize that doing drugs, which might not have been a problem for you in the past, is now something that leads you back to that horrible dark place of addiction. I would answer your question of, can I be sober, if not clean by saying no, in my opinion you can't. Meds prescribed by your dr and taken as prescribed are, of course, an exception.

I am not an AA person, but I do think that honesty is always best. If you feel judged by the people in your group, my suggestion would be to find another group. One of the main things I've learned on this journey is to not judge and I will not spend my time with people who judge others.

nan07

I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that you already know the answer to your question...especially in light of the fact that you did not divulge all of your activities to your sponsor. I hope that you can come clean with her and give sobriety another try, this time excluding all drugs. Try that for a while and then see how you feel...my two cent's worth. Please take care...

stone

Hi ajb, I used to smoke pot everyday morning till night for years, I used coke and extacy too and drank but not like I have for the last 10 years. I would be worried about replacing one addiction with another if I were you, I did that with alcohol with shockingly bad results.
Do you want to stop doing the drugs? You have done brilliantly quitting drinking!

calabash

I am like you, but a chronic drug addict, and a alcoholic. I struggle with being an alcoholic, because like you, I can take a drink, and then leave it. I see myself as a preventative alcoholic. While I control it today, I am not sure I will be able to control it in a months time, years time etc. See, Drugs made my life absolutely unmanagable. Alcohol - noy YET. I understand myself now though. I am also a gambling addict. So I know for sure, any activity or substance that changes my chemical make up is risky for me.

I do take the occasional drink. Only ever on special occasions with my wife. Last time was out wedding anniversary. As a rule, especially on my own or in a party setting, I do not drink.

I go to AA. I never talk about my clean time. At NA I never collect 90 day 6 months chip whatever.

I will never have a birthday, because I do not stay 100% of all mind asltering substances.

I probably have 10 units of alcohol a year. Why not just quit.
Not sure really- maybe feel like I quit so much already.

I am enjoying socialisng sober. But that occasional glass of wine with a fine meal and my wonderful wife is appealing.

But I know I am an alki - no doubt in my miond. Unchecked, I would binge drink with time.

My sponsor struggles with me on this. He is dual addicted and says I flirt dangerously closde to the edge. He may be right.

But for now, I have not touched my DOC in 18 months. I have not been drunk in 18 months.

The dogmatism of the programme means I am not clean. But my life is one of sobriety, and recovery.

SaTiT

I'm the opposite. I've always been able to put down the
drink but the drugs i just like a little bit more..
I started out in AA then made my to NA.

i relasped on alcohol only after 11 years of being clean
and sober, just for a couple of weeks..nothing bad happened..
But it was best that I pick up my oneday NA chip.
i knew better and it was eating me up insdie.
To continue my recovery..I admitted my relapsed
to my NA group. After all..i did get clean and sober
for me. it was the greatest thing I could have done
for myself..it took a lot of courage.

If you read the Big Book, there's plenty of anwers in there
pretaining to drugs. In the chapter..
"there is a salution" ..in the first 154 pages..
it pretty much identified an alcoholic like me to the key..
abusing drugs too....

In chapter 16 " acceptence is the anwers"..
A doctor wrote about how hard it was to stop drinking,
but it was harder for him to put down the pills or
whatever else he was sticking in his body.

There's plenty of other chapters that in the BB
with drugs mention..people sharing their ESH
about putting down the drugs after putting down
the alcohol to continue in thier recovery..or actaully
to come clean...

"We stand at the truning piont...half measures avail us
nothing".....

i think that sentence was written for alki like me that
likes to get high too...

alsoholism...is cunning, baffling ,powerful..
it tells you..it's okay to get wacked...then after
you get wacked..it tells ya.."you f-up..so you might
as will..get really, really..f-up, you don't deserve to be
happy".....to try to pull you back down again.

Please keep going back to your meetings.
Don't listen to the disease..

You deserve to be happy, and free

Luckyv2

First off welcome and Keep Coming Back....

Alcohol

Drugs

Sex

Gambling

Whatever

Is what we have is called the disease of addiction. Define Addiction....Obsessive/Compulsive Behavior. Once we start something we are not able to stop. A Drug is a Drug is a Drug. I know plenty of people in AA that use drugs because they say that there Problem was alcohol. Do they have sobriety? Well not in my book. But hey I have to work on Vic.

I think that most people (including myself) can use anything to escape how they are feeling. That is when you are in active addiction. Now it might not be drug addiction....but like I said before obsessive/compulsive behavior. If I am not feeling right inside, and I decided to go to Walley World to buy something to make me feel better than I am trying to escape the reality in which life is handing me. If I am doing that then I am in fact still in that old behavior.

Focus on what is within and you and I both will find the answers.

cookconfay

I was told if I wanted to quit one I had to quit them all. I originally went to my first AA meeting thinking I only had a problem with cocaine. Well, in my mind I was going to smoke pot & drink on the weekends and return to my job at the bar! HA, what they said was true. . .I got worse within 6 days after 1 month without drinking. That was in 1986 or 1987. In 1989 I made it to treatment for the first time and by now I was addicted to Heroin. Well I thought it did some good cuz I lost the desire to smoke pot & drink due to the Heroin. HA again. That time didn't stick, I wasn't willing then or for the next several times. But. . .because a few times in between I hung around long enough to get some sanity back, work some steps etc. . .This time I've been clean & sober. . .NO MIND OR MOOD ALTERING CHEMICALS WHATSOEVER. . .since 8/23/97. It boils down to how willing are you?

PaperDolls

My DOC was alcohol. Luckily I was mostly too scared to try much else. What few other drugs I've tried never really did it for me like a 6-pack of beer (or case, or whatever).

I think you're on the right track and you're definitely in the right place. Best wishes to you!

Hugs.

1_day@_a_time

My last drink was May, 2001 yet I continued smoking dope for the next 14 months.

After one yr of not drinking, I took a cake in AA.

My BEST thinking was, I was sober, yet not clean.

HUH????

After having a better understanding of sobriety & recovery, I realized being sober was not taking anything which affects you from the neck up.

I reset my sobriety date to the 4th of July, 2002.

The only thing in my way, was my EGO!!!! Oh, and denial......

Tom

PS I can tell you, there is a good chance I would not have been able to quit the drinking if it weren't for the dope smoking, it helped me make the transition after 25+yrs of drinking and using.

The above was my experience, but, you are on the right path but not drinking, and coming here to seek out answers!!!!!!

Lineman

Amanda, there is only ONE requirement for AA....The desire to quit. I know that you have the desire. Hang in there.

Rowan

I started abusing pills after two years sober. My sponsor said one was booze, the other pills, and that it was a personal decision.
I changed my sobriety date and started over. It sounds like your conscience is giving you the answers you seek - if you will but listen.
Although a different drug, I used the pills the way I used the booze - to numb out, and to cease feeling. That's what decided it for me.
Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.
Follow your heart, Amanda.

ajb

Thank you all for sharing your experiences - every single one of you has given me something positive, and already the cloud of hopelessness has begun to lift. In all honesty, looking back I have to admit that I've been trying to hide it from myself as much as any body else, I have always felt that I was cheating by smoking but I suppose, like always, I had to wait for a bottom before I could see the truth. Just because it isn't banned, doesn't mean is ok, and I know I can't even do coffee resposibily! It is such a relief to know that other people know exactly where I'm coming from (something I was terrified of losing from my meetings, and have doubts that I will find at NA), and confirmation that the road I see in front of me if I carry on as I have, is the experience that others have had, and that it is inevitable.

My next AA meeting is in a few hours, and I intend to be there. I intend to hand in my chips, quietly, but be honest if asked about it. I may be sober, but I am not clean yet - the chips are not important to me, I know what an achievement it is for me not to have drank in 57 days - but coming clean to the people in my group and not needing to feel guilty for being there is. I also need to come clean to the people that I live with, (who also mistakenly believe that I am making an amazing recovery), that I have stolen their coke, and please can they not bring it into the house again because I will be unable to resist stealing it if I see it (I have to admit that I now know why I never asked them before - I'd have asked them if I wasn't secretly waiting for the opertunity to get wasted). I need to accept what I am, and pray for the willingness to let go of all of these defects. I don't want to do any of these things, but that very fact tells me its exactly what I need to do.

I cannot tell you all how grateful I am for your E S H, I am so thankful that I found this site in time.

Rowan

I'm very grateful that you found us, Amanda, and am proud of you. You're doing better than even you know.
I hope that you keep posting and let us know how everything goes.

Jersey Nonny

The expression is "Clean and Sober"...you can't be one without the other...and, you really already knew that in your heart of hearts. You were just looking for some reinforcement from others who've been there...and, you got what you were seeking. Now, follow through with your decision to get honest...you'll feel so much better for it.

Hope

For me, I'm not sober unless I'm clean and I'm not clean unless I'm sober. I have found that using one increases my chances of using the other. Using any mind altering substance opens the door for addictive thinking.

Also, if you continue to use a substance after stopping alcohol, you will more than likely trade addictions and go on to abuse it.
Addiction is addiction and it will get you to pick up anything in order to keep itself alive.

I put down drugs and kept drinking and alcohol lead me straight to hell too.
I feel at home in both AA/NA. I've been to hell with both drugs and alcohol.


Honesty is the best thing for you and your recovery. You have come so far.

Hope you will stick around and continue posting.

Dee74

I had a similar choice to make. Could I have 'the odd spliff' to 'get me through' not drinking ?

I decided it was time I let go of all my 'outs' and all my 'crutches'...it was a good choice...it would have been thin ice otherwise I think.

D

lostmdboy

Good luck tonight. I think you made the right desision. I know for me that the other drugs have and would lead me back to the crazy thinking in that bottle.

ajb

Thank you all for sharing your experiences - in light of the replies that I received, I did go to my AA meeting tonight, I returned my chips discretely, removed my name from the birthday board, and explained to a few members my reasons. When I got home, I called my sponser to tell her what I had decided to do, and what I had done so far, far from sacking me, as I'd convinced myself she would, she told me that I'd done the right thing, and that she was proud. She was also delighted that I had discovered this site because I'd been able to talk to peope who could share on subjects that she had no experience of.

I still have alot of work to do, but I've made a start, thank you all again x

Rowan

Right ON, Amanda. You did the right thing.

I hope that you continue to post - new members always welcome!