Want2BGreat

Hello everyone,

I have returned after a long & painful relapse period. I was sober for a year, and have been relapsing for the last 3, thinking in error that I could somehow master it and be "normal" with it. Today is day 2, and although I am super thankful that I absolutely don't want to drink today, the guilt and shame of the things I've done while drinking lately has got ahold of me, and is a bit overwhelming.

I know the drill, I have "dried out" many times after bingeing, so I know these feelings improve after a few days, and even more the longer I stay sober (the year I was sober was definitely a way better time for me, so I know it works). I am trying to tell myself that it is great that I feel done, that I know I can do it, and that I'm not drinking today, and if there is anything that feels close to good right now it is that, yet I just keep playing my mistakes out in my mind and feeling really sorry and badly about it. Then there's the anxiety too of all that has been left neglected to catch up with and rebuild. I guess I'm just really yearning to get past this point where it's not so excruciatingly uncomfortable.

N

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I can still remember vividly the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. And, wishing that somehow it could just all go away. But, as you said, the only thing that really helps is time, and keeping a positive attitude. If I gave in to my feelings, I would have been back drinking in no time. In fact, I got caught up in the cycle of drinking/remorse and it never ends unless you just get through it.

I'm glad you found us!

Alive

I know it hurts so much...but you can't change the past, no matter what you do..but here's the amazing news...you can be whoever you want to be in the future..you are free...just stay sober..and the guilt will become learning and the shame will become a head up high, of somebody who learned with mistakes and chose to do what you could, you move on and make today happen...

CarolD

Hi and Welcome to SR!


I totally agree with Anna
Time was the key for me.

Also...when I finished my AA steps
4&5 all remorse and guilt vanished.
I should have worked them quicker!

Do let us know how you are doing
Blessings

Want2BGreat

Thanks Anna,

I'm glad too. You all helped me embark on my 1 year last time, so here I am again, and I am so thankful these boards are here! That's one thing I feel good about today is that amidst all the remorse, I DO NOT want to drink, and I know I can do it if I just envision these feelings I'm having & recent events if I'm tempted. I purposefully avoided the grocery store when I went to get videos earlier. I realize that the drinking is really hurting my body as well as my life and the others in it, which I guess is what makes me feel so strongly today about avoiding it.

N

Rowan

I'm glad you made it back to us. Please keep posting - we do care.

Aysha

Yes welcome back..We are all here for you.

ontrackagain

Hey Great!

One year! Wow. I'm jealous. I never made more than like 70 days or so. I know it's frustrating. If your post were a song I'd have you in court for stealing my story. But seriously, I know that guilt/shame all too well. If you let it, it will bury you and your recovery efforts.

If those feelings won't leave, resolve them. I wouldn't give a #%^% about my local grocery store. But if they are friends and people you love/respect, let them know that you are sorry. If they are great friends, let them know what you are dealing with and try to educate them.

You'd be surprised how much support you'll get. I wish you the best.

BTW,

I like your screen name. I too wish to get to my true potential. We just can't let those ultra high goals distract us from the main goal. Sobriety. Because if you're like me, all good, all bad and all potential is directly tied to the use of alcohol.

SaTiT

yeap..i just started writing..didn't know where
it was going to lead to. but at the very least
that stuff wasn't bouncing in head 24/7s.

Sometimes i'll just write about my life in general
or tried to recall all of the good moments in my life.
not just the drinking..just all the good moments
in my life..

other times , i just had to keep it very simple,
becuase I felt like I didn't know who the heck i was.
i just made a simple list of what I like andd dislike.
My favorite color...etc.
i like spinish but dis-like corn
I like sunshine and dis-like rain
i like the sound of screaming electric guitar and
dis like the sound of screaming cellos
I like oranges and dis-like bananas.

it may seem like a wasted of time to others or corny.
but it made a world of difference to me..

Want2BGreat

Well, guys, today is #3. I actually slept last night, my insides are feeling mostly better, slowly but surely, and I'm cool with my job I found out, which I wondered about last week. Although my head is still a little foggy, I feel somewhat normal, and definitely like I am really doing this. I have also had a chance to thank and apologize some of those around me who I recently terrorized with my drinking. I still feel guilty and remorseful, and I know I can't change those things, but I can change now, and I want to, more than anything.

I just had a moment of realness thrown up in my face a few days ago, when I went over some events that happened in the past 3 years, not being sober. When I was sober for that one year, I did not ever make a total ass of myself at work functions & then worry about losing my job, or apologizing to everyone, I did not fall down (at least not from drinking :P)! and/or cry at fancy parties & embarass my friends, I did not scare my daughter with my behavior--or momentarily forget who picked her up from daycare (God help me, holy crap that is just unreal!), I did not disappoint myself or my friends & family members, I did not wake up with injuries or having done things with strangers that I regretted. I did not neglect my job, pets, or anything or anyone in my life--quite the contrary.

I kept things going, I struggled sometimes, but I was happy. I completed things, I was proud of myself, I knew who I was, I felt connected. I bettered myself and made my daughter's life happier. I had more friends. I woke up saying "Hello there Universe", instead of "AH ****!" (seriously!!)

And what I realized is that I guess I needed for some reason to come back to this place, to do all those heinous things, but I really really feel that I never need to do them again. In my heart, I'm done. The disease tried briefly this morning to talk to me while I was in the shower, and I know this all sounds so corny but honestly the first sentence that came in to my head after thinking about alcohol was "I don't believe you anymore, go away." I didn't even have a chance to think it, I just heard it in my head, and I thought, "I'm gonna remember that, and say it every time I need to"!

So yeah, I guess I'm feeling a little better. I don't feel like drinking, I feel like doing whatever I can today. These posts are really helping me, been reading through them feverishly yesterday & today. So THANK YOU! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

N

Hope

I know it hurts. The only way out is through.
It will get better when you work through it.
You are giving yourself a chance today by not drinking.
Be gentle on yourself, you are on a path of healing.