Newcomer...

Over the weekend I was faced with a horrible decision. Leave my live in boyfriend, get a restraining order and sit back and watch him slowly kill himself, or do something.
And yesterday I went to court with a few family members of his and had him committed to a 30 day state alcohol and substance abuse center. I feel awful. Even though I know all the facts and I know logically that I did what I had to do to keep him safe, I know that he hates me more than anything or anyone right now. All I can do is hope and pray that in the next 30 days he's able to get clear headed enough to see why we had to do this - and how bad he really was.
As of yesterday he was in COMPLETE denial. Even after I took his car keys Friday night, he took a friend's car and got a DUI on Saturday - he blames me for that, for calling his family, for taking any pills in the first place, and now for sending him away. He thinks I turned the whole world against him - and really all I did was pull together the people who love him the most and were willing to do something in some attempt to save him.
I keep questioning if I should have let him sober up and tried to talk him into treatment - even though i know this never would have happened. It's an awful thing to see someone you love in handcuffs and ankle chains being brought into a courtroom. And to have to watch him while he listens to the testimony you gave to put him where he was. And then to listen to him lie on the stand and say that the only reason I am doing this is because he broke up with me (which he didn't, unless you count his drug induced rage when he told me he wanted nothing to do with me again).
I know he must be so scared where he is. It's a state run facility run by the department of correction. I basically sent him to jail. Stupid things, like, I wonder if they gave him an extra pillow because I know how he likes to pile them up to go to sleep. Or what to do with all the food in our fridge I bought for him at the grocery store last week. Or if I should start packing up his things and talk to the apartment company about breaking our lease we signed only 2 months ago.
I know all the answers - I work in mental health and have professional experience with substance abuse. I know I need to give him time to get past the denial and the anger, and hope he comes around. But it's a lot easier to give that advice than it is to live it.
Please, if anyone has had to do this to a family member, or has had it done to them, it would really help to hear the success stories. The stories where it worked and the person came home. I know it's not always the case. I just have to hope and pray that he comes around. He's the greatest guy in the world - when he's sober. When pills and alcohol enter the picture, he's someone I don't recognize.

I love him and would do anything for him. And now I did - I locked him up for 30 days to try to save his life.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, newcomer. i am surprised that screen name was not ever taken!!!

your boyfriend is lucky to have so many caring people in his life.

i'm the mom of an alcoholic/addict, so i sure understand your pain. i have to remind myself everyday - i didn't cause it, i can't cure it, and i cannot control it. i do have choices, however, how i let it affect my daily life.

we (husband, family, docs, lawyers, therapists) have "nudged" my daughter into several treatments and halfway houses. she relapses. she's out today - after walking out of an inpatient program last week - trying to find her own solution. i am offering moral support and asked for guidance. other than that, she is homeless and broke and doing the best she can to do for herself - what only she can do. and i am leaning on my support system to stay in my own recovery.

if i get out the way, she may figure it out? her consequences. her accomplishments.

you going to alanon?

glad you found us - keep posting! blessings, k

blessings, k

Newcomer...

Thank you so much for your quick response. No, I haven't looked into Al-Anon. Not yet anyway. I know I need something - I can't see him at all for the next 30 days. He can call me collect and he can send/receive mail. I sent him a letter today and some self addressed stamped envelopes. I hope he reads it and doesn't just throw it away. I'll write him every day anyway - maybe someday he'll remember that and realize how much I care.
I can't even bring him clothes - he's in hospital issued scrubs, shoes too. He can't smoke either - I'm sure he is miserable.
Good luck with your daughter and your own recovery.
I've never been particularly religious, but I feel like all I have done for the past 4 days is pray. I guess that's all I can do until he takes the next step to contact me. I just hope I want to hear what he has to say...
Thanks again.

Aysha

Hi Newcomer..Glad you are here.
I havent had anyone commit me or turn me in.
But i have already been and been left to face the consequences when I otherwise would get out of everything.
I was very hurt..angry..resentful.
It lasted a long time. But you know..Now that I am in a better state of mind. I know it was the best thing for me.
Thats how we learn.
I know now it was out of love and not hate.
I know it is hard ..very hard to have to do that. My grams was the one who left me to face my mess. And she has always been the one running to my rescue no matter what.
I couldnt believe she would leave me there like that.
But she had to. And I learned to accept it for what it really was after awhile.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do for the people you care about AND for yourself.
Thats the big one. Take care of yourself too.
I'm sure the last thing on his mind is an extra pillow.
But I get what you mean.
I wish you all the best.
And he should be thanking his lucky stars he has so many people who care and are willing to stand by him.

Hope to see you posting more.

parentrecovers

try 5 or 6 alanon meetings this month - see where it leads you. he needs to focus on himself to recover. and you will be best served be doing the same.

good luck! k

CarolD

Welcome!

Here is a forum that is full of spport and info

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

BTW...those collect calls are very expensive.
They also upset both of us for no reason.
Better to use the money for your lease or to move.

Jersey Nonny

I, myself, am a recovering alcoholic with over 27 years of continued sobriety. My oldest son had been living with me for the past 10 years. We get along very well, and I love him dearly. The only thing wrong with our relationship is that he's a heroin addict; and, he had become so bad in the last couple of years, he stole thousands of dollars from my checking account...to the point we were on the verge of being evicted. Even after we got things straightened out, things continued to get worse for both of us...I became disabled and convinced myself that I needed him to take care of me, and without having a place to live with me, he would become homeless. Talk about denial!!!

I finally had to come to the realization that, as long as I continued enabling him, there was no chance he would ever quit using. I asked my sister and niece to find a nursing home where I could be admitted immediately, and I gave the landlord a month's notice. In effect, my son was now homeless; but, he was given a week in which to empty the apartment and get himself admitted to a VA hospital.

They were probably the most difficult decisions for both of us; but, he's now four months clean and has just transferred from one VA hospital to another closer to home. He just spent the past weekend at my daughter's home, and she says he looks wonderful...four months ago, he looked like a refugee from a concentration camp, and I cried almost every time I looked at him.

Your boyfriend may not appreciate what you've done right now, but he has a good chance at recovery. Let the miracle happen. I wish you both well.

Newcomer...

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Both me and my boyfriend are fortunate that things did not escalate to heroin. Although - I'm afraid we may have been pretty close as he tore apart the apartment on Sunday trying to find an oxycontin. I knew then, in addition to some other things, that things were totally and completely out of control. Although I know he has used drugs recreationally since high school (not that this is acceptable - but it hadn't taken over his life), I know that things have only been REALLY bad for the past few months, and I've only truly feared for his safety during past few days. I'm glad that he is getting treatment before things got so bad that he had nothing to come home to. We're just all praying he wants to come home when it's over...

Thank you again

Change4life

Welcome newcomer. Glad you posted. As a person who wasin the same boat as your boyfriend I really need you to understand that you shouldnt feel bad.

Maybe if someone did for me what you did for him I wouldnt have spent so many years in turmoil.

It might not seem like it now to him that this is a good thing, but eventually he will have to let go of the denial. it might take some time, but IMO he will be thanking you in the future.

If he gets the help he needs now you are probably saving him years of suffering.

Addicts are experts at munipulation. Hold your ground, follow your heart and do what you think is right.

I wish you the best

Newcomer...

Thank you so much.
He just tried to call his mother collect (she petitioned with me). Something happened with the phone though and it was disconnected before she could talk to him. I hope he calls her back - or maybe I don't. I guess I hope he calls her back and tells her he's not mad. I know it's probably too soon for that - but I can hope.
I know he doesn't know our home number - even on his most sober of days he doesn't know anyone's number, they are all stored in his cell phone. Maybe that's good right now. I just miss hearing his voice.
I'm so exhausted from the past few days but I know I need to get some sleep. I just dread going into the bedroom to go to bed without him. I have a tough time cooking too, not that I have any appetite at the moment - it's hard to see all the food he loved me to cook and cook for just one.
I just miss him so much. The only thing that is a little comforting is that he's safe. I just want him to come home.

IO Storm

Newcomer...

Bless your heart...

My ex alcoholic boyfriend was sent to rehab...the first time..

I went to visit and he was a hard, cold, uncommunicative

shell. I had such hope that it would work..but each phone

call or visit was the same.."All I want to do is get out of here

and get drunk and play some rock'n'roll"..

I eventually went into the disease myself. I wish I had tried

tough love and Alanon...

However..I know how it is..he is not a bad person..just a very

sick person. And no one knows when it will be their "time"

for recovery..or if it will ever be..we just pray and take care

of ourselves.

NC..I strongly suggest you get to an Alanon meeting and just

listen..it will stop your spinning head and you will find friends

and suggestions how to keep our sanity through this.

Love,

IO

Newcomer...

Thank you. I might print your response and carry it with me. I will go to Al Anon tomorrow night. No excuses.
I just miss him so much. I hope he doesn't hate me forever.

Thank you

Jersey Nonny

That's exactly the way I used to feel when either of my sons was locked up...drug-related charges, of course. At least I was able to sleep at night without fearing that awful call during the night...locked up, accident, or worse. I found my consolation by going to my AA meetings. I sincerely hope you will follow through with that Al-Anon meeting tonight.

If he were in a regular rehabilitation center, he wouldn't be allowed any contact for a while...there's a reason for that...he's supposed to be concentrating on program/recovery for now...nothing else should take precedence.

Newcomer...

Thank you again. It helps to know that others know how I feel. I've cried a little less today. Not much - but a little. He should be getting the first letter I sent him today. I hope he reads it and doesn't just throw it away. I want to hear from him so bad - but I know I probably dont' want to hear what he has to say just yet. He must still be so angry with me. I just keep going back to the last time I heard him tell me he loved me - even though I know he was high when he did, I know that he meant it. I'd do anything to hear it again... or read it for that matter. I might even feel better if I know he's angry with me - at least I'll know where I stand for the moment. This wondering what's going on in his head is killing me. Does he love me or hate me? Will he come home to me or am I gone to him forever? I am so sorry for having to do this to him, but I know if I hadn't things wouldn't have even a chance of getting better. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I have sent him a few letters, but even in the letters I don't know what to say. I try to talk about our puppy, who he loves like she were a child. I figure even if he's angry at me, he wants to hear about her. I'm going to send him some pictures of her - I figure he's not ready for any pictures of me yet. I'll send some if he asks for them. But I doubt he will - for a while at least. I guess if he does, it's a good sign, it means he doesn't hate me.
I'm sorry, I know this is all over the place - it's just how my thoughts are at the moment. I felt so numb all day Monday. I do well in a crisis - I know that. I can shut down all the feelings and do what needs to get done. It's the aftermath I'm bad at. The questions and what if's and wondering if I did the right thing. Wondering about him - if he loves me or hates me, if he's too hot or cold, if he likes the food (he loves my cooking...). I don't know if I've said this before, but he's only 25 years old. He's got so much ahead of him. We're planning on getting married (or we were before he started spending all our money on drugs), we have kids names picked out, we wanted to buy a condo when the lease was up. There are so many things we want to do together. Plus the stupid plans - like the 4th of July. If i could go to sleep on the 3rd and wake up on the 5th, I would. I'm dreading the weekend. We're supposed to go to the batting cages and the driving range. He's going to teach me to play golf. He's never seen a giraffe (which I can NOT believe...) and we're supposed to go to the zoo to see the new baby giraffe that was just born there. We were supposed to the zoo on Saturday. Instead I was deciding whether or not to bail him out of jail (which I didn't - he bailed himself out).
I know the answers to all these racing thoughts - worry about myself, he's safe and where he needs to be. Let time decide whether he calls, or writes, or comes home. But it doesn't stop them from coming - and it doesn't stop me from crying.

Jersey Nonny

In spite of the turmoil your thoughts are in, you seem to be thinking pretty clearly...which is more than can probably be said for him right now. Remember, he's still going through withdrawal. It's natural for both of you to be feeling a lot of mixed emotions...anger, regret, sadness, loss, etc. One of the wisest sayings in AA is "This, too, shall pass." Believe it!

You've done the right thing for all the right reasons. If he's angry, he'll get over it. If not, he'll probably drink again...which, unfortunately, you will have to accept as a possibility. But, if he stays sober, there is still the rest of your lives to enjoy all those wonderful plans you made together. And, won't it be wonderful to bring children into a marriage where they never see their father "under the influence"? It can happen...just keep the faith.

Newcomer...

Thank you. I know you are right. The past few months have been awful. And a thousand times I have thought to myself that there's no way I can have children with him if this is the environment they will be brought into. I hadn't thought of it that way - that if it works, we have the rest of our lives. I'm just so focused on NOT having the rest of our lives if it doesn't work. It's just such a scary place to be. It feels like I'm in limbo. Waiting to see what direction the entire rest of my life is going to go in. He either comes home, and, we "live happily ever after..." or he doesn't. And I need to move out of my apartment, figure out how to get out of a lease..., and start over. But for at least the next 27 days I'm in this middle ground, a purgatory of sort. Not knowing is the hardest part. I can't start getting over him and I can't plan our lives together. I just need to wait. And waiting is awful.
Walking around the apartment, I don't want to touch anything. The coffee table is filthy from his cigarette ashes when he was too drunk or high to make them into the ash tray. Yet I can't clean them up. He can't even smoke where he is! IF he comes home, he'll be nicotine free - and I STILL can't bring myself to clean up the ashes. And forget the laundry - I'm going to have to buy new clothes because I can't go through the laundry basket.
I am going to go to that meeting tonight. I feel bad about leaving my puppy - but she'll live. I need to print your posts to read before I walk in the door so I don't chicken out at the last minute.
Thank you for all your support - it means so much to me.

Newcomer...

Ok, so I had a change of plans for tonight. I'm not going to Al Anon - but it's only because I'm going to a Family and Friends program run by the facility where he is. I think it will be helpful. I hope that a lot of my questions and wondering will be answered. Also - the whole facility is for people who have been committed by someone. So I hope I will be able to meet other people in the same boat as me. His mom is going to go with me as well.
I will follow up on Al Anon though. I figured they will give us more info about it tonight too.

Thank you all again.

Anna

I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself Newcomer.

Newcomer...

He called. His mother anyway - but at least he called. And he wasn't yelling and screaming and calling me names. The opposite in fact. He apologized to his step father. He told her that he loves me. He even asked his mother to talk to his uncle, who he works for, and have his paycheck signed over to me so that I can pay the bills. Which I take to mean he wants to be able to come home.
Thank you all for your support during the worst few days of my entire life. Although I still have to wait for him to be ready to call me, it's at least bearable knowing that he doesn't hate me. I miss him more than anything - and I will for the next 27 days. But at least now I have some hope.

Thank you.

Jersey Nonny

Attending the Family & Friends meeting at the facility was a good idea...it shows them and him that you're in this for the long haul. But, don't forget about Al-Anon...it will be important for you to have a program for yourself that will compliment his AA program when he comes home.