sonas

Hi there, I found these forums a couple of months ago, but have been an occasional reader - thanks for the nuggets of wisdom.
I hope to visit here often now that I'm in the early days of recovery.

It's nearly 4am here on Saturday night and my last binge ended sometime in the small hours of Friday morning. Yesterday, predictably I was extremely ill.

But I'm now finally, finally going to do this and learn to live without alcohol.

I'm 31 now and I've known since around 24 that I was in trouble and that it was all going way beyond just fun or stress relief etc.
2 years ago this month, I bought my first book about recovery. I suppose I thought(naively) that by becoming more educated on the subject and acknowledging to myself that I was an alcoholic that I would be better equipped to manage it and would drink less.
But actually nothing changed, and if anything it got worse.

Later in the year I went from drinking every evening, to involuntary "dry days", and when I'd go back I'd find myself making up for lost time. It became like a swinging pendulum.

A year ago(one of many "lows") I was moving every week into slum temporary accommodation just to delay having to move to my parents until the last of my money was gone. I was drinking wine etc every waking hour.. I'd never been that "free" to drink like that for such a long period of time before then. But needless to say that kind of drinking has happened many times since.
I could go on....
But suffice it to say that the past 9 years or so is littered with hurt feelings, shame and regret, opportunities thrown away, barely making ends meet, lost relationships and friends. And I'm actually lucky to be alive and healthy(actually don't know that for sure...) considering the amount of times I've passed out and the scariest DTs a few weeks ago after a 3 week binge. Oh and yesterday I lost consciousness on the bathroom floor - really scary considering I live alone.

The good times are memories that I'll cherish. But there are no good times any more. I'm pretty much a recluse most of the time. Yeah, after each binge(which is sometimes just forever), I'll clean up my act for a few days and think I'm doing well!! I'll consider starting meetings. But I'm such a procrastinator!!!! And even moreso in-between drinking.
The truth is that I'm just prolonging the addiction by not having a bit more faith that things will get better, and that the main reason I think I need alcohol is because that is how I've conditioned my brain to think.

I need to find a job and get my life on track before I lose everything again, but more importantly I need to get sober beforehand, because my last job in particular was just a joke and an opportunity lost through lateness, absenteeism etc.

I did a lot of thinking last night. Not for the first time, but I think this was different. The next week or so is going to be strange for me, but I'm going to be strong....

Thanks for reading.
:-)

~Troy~

No, thanks for posting.

Dive right in, no need to test the waters of recovery. Sounds like you have a well thought out plan with a positive outlook, put it all into action and amazing things will happen.

Surlyredhead

Welcome Midnightblue, I am glad you are here. There is a lot of wisdom here and I am pretty sure you haven't done anything we wouldn't understand, my own list of "done that"s is far to extensive name all of them. Please read and post often, we are here for you. Sobriety is so worth the work.

cathy

IO Storm

Welcome midnight...

Yep..dive right in! You will not regret it...but please seek

medical care if the withdrawal symptoms become

unmanageable. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Love,



IO

sonas

Had a taste of recovery in the winter when I was sober for 3 whole weeks when I was in plaster.
Although it obviously wasn't the best way to get sober, it was a whole new experience to sleep through the night and wake up early and without a hangover.

I like the way you put it Troy, "no need to test the waters of recovery".
That's cool and makes sense :-)

Anna

Hi Midnightblue,

It really is hard to get out of the cycle of addiction. It gets such a strong hold and makes us believe that life without alcohol would be scary and impossible. But, it isn't and that's just your addiction talking. It sounds like you're ready to take the step to begin living a sober life, so keep reading and posting.

sonas

Hi wander,

Yeah I'm going to start going on Monday.
I went to a few meetings last year during maybe two weeks, but was still drinking in the evenings.
Met some great people there who were very welcoming, but maybe I wasn't really ready.
Will get in touch with them again, I think.
Been stuck in a rut of isolation that I've gotten used to, so it's like a bigger step than it should be to just make contact!!

Thanks for the words of support.
And big congrats on your sobriety. To me, 70 days sounds like a big achievement, so well done :-)

CarolD

Glad to see you here again...
and with a solid plan too!


Blessings

Lilyqr1984

Welcome to the boards! I like what everyone has been saying about jumping into recovery...last year, I started AA and my heart wasn't really in it. Looking back, I really only went for my family--I didn't actually want to stop drinking. But then I've been drinking ever since, and it's been difficult. Finally something clicked inside of me, and I threw myself into AA meetings and Women for Sobriety (another recovery program). For the first time, I WANT to go to the meetings, and that's a great feelings.
As far as reading books on recovery and alcoholism, I would strongly recommend it. I wasn't able to quit just reading these books, but there's so much information that really helped me understand the disease better. The best things to do right now are to educate and take care of yourself.

GlassPrisoner

Welcome !!!!

That's a very good idea. Make sobriety your main priority, everything else will eventually fall into place.

IO Storm

I agree with you and Glass..

Sobriety first before plunging ahead into life...and expecting

good results.

But remember..the only requirement for AA membership

is the (desire) to stop drinking. For me..just knowing this

took the pressure off. all I had to do was "suit up and show up".

I showed up drunk more than a few times..but I had the desire..

and sobriety finally got me.

Love,


IO

sonas

Learning from mistakes. ..I've moved jobs a lot, and always at the end of a period of not working and of course drinking I'd make the mistake of thinking that when I'd start working again, my confidence would go up and I'd have money to do "other things" and I'd work really hard and be too busy to have time to drink.

But I always stopped off for some on the way home. And if the amount of booze was less than what I was used to then sleeping was a big problem.
I didn't know then that the insomnia was withdrawal. Often I went in the next day with little or no sleep and I'd be thinking "so that's my "reward" for not drinking much last night - I'm sooooo going to drink when I get home tonight".

And then there was the "weekends" which would begin early and spill over into the following week :-)

What a viscious circle and what a nightmare!!!