nan07

Hi everybody...
I have decided that today is the day I quit drinking. I was lying awake at three a:m (as usual) and I decided to just do it. I wish that I'd recorded my feelings from last year when I quit for three months...I seem to recall that it was actually pleasant and that despite my fears of being bored or not having fun, my brain chemistry kicked things up a notch and I actually experienced emotional "highs" (at the risk of sounding corny!). I also seem to recall that last year's period of sobriety ushered in a highly creative period for me in which I took art classes and cranked out a lot of really good art work. I am tired of worrying about harming my body. I'm tired of trying to be very quiet when I throw my bottles into the recycling bin so the neighbors don't catch on. I'm tired of being cranky if my evening routine is disturbed by attending a concert or movie. I'm tired of worrying that something might happen to my elderly mother and I am too buzzed to drive to help her in the middle of the night. I want to be a better person for my gf. I want to lose that emptiness inside of me.
So...this probably won't start to be difficult until around suppertime, lol! However, I have made up my mind and I have announced this to all of you, which means I will not go back on my word. Wish me luck...

parentrecovers

one day at a time. you going to get to an aa meeting? blessings, k

ontrackagain

Boy can I relate to your post. I have gone 2 and 3 months before as well. The creativity and lifestyle changes were like quantum leaps! I cranked out short stories, a script and tons of storyboards. How the #@%^# did I start drinking again!!!

Oh well, I did. Never going back again.

BTW, keep it up. Get back there! I'll go with you.

nan07

Well...I wasn't thinking I would go to a meeting. I've been to a few before and I really hated them, lol! I'll come here a lot, though. Thanks for your kindness, you were the first to greet me when I came here a couple of days ago...

nan07

Funny, isn't it? Everybody thinks of the tortured artist with alcohol as his or her muse! I never accomplish anything creative when I'm drinking. Nothing at all. I don't want to go back to drinking, either. You can write a book, I'll illustrate it, lol!

Rowan

Keep posting and be aware of your triggers. If you find suppertime difficult, be ready to do something to take your mind off the urges. Maybe go for a walk? Get moving and breathing, the urges do pass in time.
So glad you're here with us.

nan07

Thanks, Rowan. Unfortunately, the dinner hour is bad for me. I'm heading out today to buy some alternate drinks that I enjoy, juices and what not. I enjoy walking, so I imagine I will be doing a lot of it in the coming weeks. It's just a matter of filling my time with other activities. I'm glad to be here!

Anna

Hi Nan,

I'm glad you made this decision and that you posted about it. Walking is something that has helped me tremendously during sobriety. It's so good to get outside and walk - it's a kind of meditative time for me. And, if you know the dinner hour is hard, then you can plan ahead. For me, it was usually the evening time that was the worst and I made a point of doing different things, so I would avoid the triggers.

GlassPrisoner

nan. not to poke fun at you, but.....If I had a dollar for everytime I saw a post that said "I really want to quit drinking, I' sick, I'm tired, Etc Etc" then goes on to say "But I don't want to go to AA" I'd be rich. And I've only been here since 10-06.

No one wants to go to AA. I sure as h e ll didn't want to, and I didn't. Until there was nothing else left to try, and I tried everything. My way didn't work. I swallowed my pride, walked into those rooms, and nothing has been the same since. It works, it really does.

cali

Nan-you don't have to do it alone. I know you're not too keen on AA but I do hope that you give it a try. If I wasn't an alcoholic, I'd still go LOL...I know it sounds crazy, but it really has taught me how to handle life on life's terms.

*let me also mention that I have been going to meetings on and off since 1989....
I have been a *unity of one* for so long that I took me that long to trust....to let others in....but doing it my way, and alone has kept me drunk plain and simple.
I have learned that nothing changes, if nothing changes....
I wish you peace and happiness

indigo

That's just great and we're all here to cheer you on.
indigo

nan07

GlassPrisoner & cali...
I know this is going to sound weird, but I am deeply afraid to attend an AA meeting. I can be almost pathologically shy in certain situations, a group situation being one of them. Also, I'm afraid I'll see somebody I know. Sounds weird, I know. Thirdly, I have been to a few meetings in the past and I honestly could not relate to anybody there. My "bottom" is really weird...I never got a DUI, I'm terrrified to drive buzzed. I don't have the war stories to share with people, all I have is this emptiness due to my addiction. The more I listened to people's stories, the less I felt I should be there. Finally, I'm an atheist and I'm a lesbian. I may have been paranoid, but I occasionally felt some judgement from others. Not all, by any means. Most people are not atheists, so it was sort of like having some kind of defect. That was a few years ago...maybe things are different now.

Aysha

Hi nan.
Great decision. If your ready..I say get started.
You may want to check out the secular forum here.
There are other programs besides AA for recovery.
Here is the link.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-connections/

I have nothing against AA or NA but it does not work for me either.
I have found the secular forum quite helpful for those of us that dont follow in religion.
But some in the secular use both and it seems to work very well for them.
I wish you the best.

nan07

I love strenuous activity of any kind. I work out monday thru friday. I find some sort of peace out in the world when I'm out hiking or walking. Like you, the entire evening will be hard for me...it just begins at dinnertime, lol! I think I will also go back to my art work...that will be very helpful in getting through the evenings. I don't think the cravings went on too long for me last time...maybe this time will be o.k. Thanks for the advice...

nan07

Doing o.k. I just went on a four mile walk! Getting ready to go to bed.

Rowan

Four miles! Wow good for you!

Surlyredhead

Hi Nan, welcome!! I am glad you are here...it doesn't matter to me, who you believe in, who you choose to love, what you look like, if you are shy or outgoing...all that matters is you want to stop drinking and you asked for help...so here we are...help!! I hope you will read and post often, recovery is a very personal thing, I know that sounds weird..because we all need each other to stay sober, but how we think and feel is strangely familiar and unique at the same time!! You are not alone.

Cathy

livefree

Hey, nan. Just wanted to let you know that I'm happy you want to stop drinking. Personally, I could not stop drinking on my own. I hope you will at least tell your partner that you are trying to quit. You need as much support as you can get. In my area, there is a large gay/lesbian community within AA and NA. They even have gay/lesbian meetings. Perhaps going to one of those may help you to find people to whom you can more readily relate. It's not unusual to be scared to go to meetings. Anyone you meet at a closed meeting is also an alcoholic; so, you're in the same boat- it's not like they can judge you any more than you can (or would) judge them. Everyone's bottom is different. What would have been my bottom two years ago wouldn't have been nearly as bad as it was 84 days ago. Make this your bottom when you can say it's not that bad. Wishing you the very best. You can do it! Sobriety IS possible.

IO Storm

Nan...

I held an AA women's meeting in my home for a couple of years. In a room of

average 15 gals..half were lesbian. Some of the greatest frends to this day!

And atheists are entirely welcome...

The only requirement for AA membership is a DESIRE to stop drinking.

You don't have to believe..you don't have to be "stopped"..

Just have the desire sweetie..

Might just give it a try and see for yourself!

best wishes..

Love,

:

IO

nan07

Thanks for your kind words, everybody. Yesterday was so weird. I went for a two mile walk in the afternoon and felt odd when I returned, like I was supposed to be doing something very different (that would be cracking open a beer!), so I went on a cleaning frenzy. Halfway through dinner, my partner remarked "No wine tonight?" I told her that it was rather obvious that my ability to moderate was non-existent. We then went on a four mile walk together. My gf of course knows that I struggle in this department. She was extremely supportive of me last year when I quit drinking for those three months and she trusted my judgment when I thought I could moderate. She even commented on my waning ability to moderate early on into the experiment. I think because I never get what you could call sloppy drunk, it's easier for her to tolerate my drinking. I don't look like a person who is out of control. I don't behave like I'm out of control, even though my interior is very, very out of control.

I am an insomniac. I always fall asleep easily, but awaken in the wee hours tortured by the thoughts of what I'm doing to my body. Last night? I slept as if I were in the arms of Morpheus. Perfect sleep.

Yesterday I visited the Smart Recovery site, but I confess that it all seemed too "busy" for me and I found the many acronyms very confusing. I coudn't focus. I did kind of pick up that there is a tool box in which you plan for what you will do if you begin to crave a drink. I am going to journal everything that's going on for future reference. Also, at some point when I really start to question how sick I really am and begin to flirt with the idea of moderation...I imagine that on some evenings I will be staying sober not for myself, but for my partner and my mom. To be a better person for them.

But for right now...I have one day behind me!