im new and im lost

Old 06-06-2007, 03:33 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: kansas
Posts: 18
im new and im lost

i was sober for 5 yrs until last summer. ive been drinking for the last 11 months trying to control it. hasnt gone very well, im going to end up dead or in jail again. im a miserable shameful person. i hate drinking and i hate not drinking. we live in a world where everyone drinks, just not quite like me. i dont fit in anywhere, not sober and not drunk. im desperate for help,but dont know how to get it. i went to aa for the first 2 yrs of my sobriety because the law said i had to. then i made it 3 more yrs on my own. but ive never been happy, i walk around feeling all tense on the inside and the only way to make it go away is to drink. i hate being an alcoholic i hate not being normal and i wonder if anyone else out there feels the same
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Old 06-06-2007, 11:17 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome. Can ya take time off from the kids and other responsibilites and go into residential treatment to get it sorted out. Can you depend on family for awhile.
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Old 06-07-2007, 12:05 AM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to sR!...

Have you discussed your situation with a doctor?
That is always a wise move

Are you planning to atend AA again?
I find meetings vital to my serenity.

Hugs and Prayers
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Old 06-07-2007, 12:19 AM
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Location: Dancing in the Light
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Hi insanebrain,

Welcome to SR!

Congratulations on 5 sober years. You sound frustrated with your situation and you say you don't fit in anywhere. Maybe you should try to love and like yourself and not worry about fitting in. Take a look at yourself and find a way to connect with your soul and to care about yourself. Once that happens, the rest will fall into place.
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Old 06-07-2007, 03:53 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi insanebrain,

Welcome! I used to hate being an alcoholic, too. That changed, for me, through attending AA and working the Steps.
Whatever you decide, I wish you well. Please keep reading and posting, we are glad you found us.

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Old 06-07-2007, 04:47 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: NC
Posts: 42
Thank you for your post! You really pinned it down for me, that sobriety can seem an empty prize even after you've worked so hard for it. Five years! (I never made it that long - about 100 days was my max) - at the very least you are obviously an extremely strong person, especially since you weren't happy doing it.
I'm not really clever about giving advice like a lot of the great folks here, but maybe one thought might help. Taking alcohol out of your life leaves a HUGE hole - not just drinking time, but planning to drink time, buying drinks, etc. - I was starting in mid-afternoon and staying drunk for the evening, then waking up the next day and planning the next binge, dinner menu and all! Unless you find something or someone to help fill that hole you won't be happy. AA folks seem to do it spiritually and communally - maybe that will work for you or maybe not. Try to use your sober time to learn a new hobby - something you've "always wanted to do". Subscribe to Netflix and watch a different movie each night. Do volunteer work. Just try to find something that can enrich your life - you've been in mourning for your lost best friend and won't be happy until you fill your life again.
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Old 06-07-2007, 04:58 AM
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Five years is awesome, lot's of people don't drink for many reasons. I found out that I can have a much better time not drinking and I don't have blackouts or hangovers, if I feel tested I remember the bad old days, and I know I never want to go back there. Welcome to SR lot's of great people here.
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Old 06-07-2007, 07:07 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central California
Posts: 246

Hi insanebrain...glad to have you here with us. 5 years of sobriety is awesome! Keep coming here to SR and posting. The people here are wonderul. Are you currently going to AA meetings?
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Old 06-07-2007, 07:12 AM
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: MN
Posts: 65
Welcome, fellow Newbie to SR!
5 years is a lot to be proud of. WOW! That shows how much tenacity you have. Sounds like deep down you really have the desire to be sober again... and you can do it. You've already proved that. Try to remember how good it felt when you weren't using. Have you tried looking around for an AA group that was a good fit for you? I have found that some are for me, and some aren't. ...just a suggestion.

keep posting. Lots a wonderful folks here to offer support!
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Old 06-07-2007, 07:36 AM
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let it grow!
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Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
welcome! keep posting! you thinking about getting back into aa and working the steps? blessings, k
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Old 06-07-2007, 08:30 AM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: kansas
Posts: 18
thanks to all

i went to aa last night and everyone thanked me for stepping out and proving it can never work. i want to be sober but i want to find happiness there. i have been drinking since i was 12, come from both sided alcoholics. im in an empty marriage with someone who really loves me, i have 3 kids, and i cant afford treatment again. i know what i need to do, but in the dark hours i need to figure out how to care. my brain can forget really quick the millions of bad times but recall the good automatically. im a blackout drunk, and maybe thats why i cant recall the horror of the things ive done. anyway ill quit rambling, thank you for listening,it helps to know that others know exactly how i feel
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Old 06-07-2007, 08:36 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Glad you got yourself to a meeting. Go to another .. and another .. things will work out. It sounds like you've got a family who love you very much.
Treatment might be nice, but if you can't afford it, don't fret - meetings are free, and teach you how to live in the real world, a day at a time.
Don't give up. Ever!
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