scared. also new.
 

Last night-well, this morning rather, i decided to give up drinking. I know ive said it a million times, ive had the best intentions, but i never DO actually quit. A couple months ago hubby and I quit (for a week or so), no ill effects, felt better, but then he decided that drinking in moderation is ok, and im not able to drink in moderation. so back to the bottle i went.

I dont drink before noon. I dont have hangovers. I do have blanks after drinking.. spots in the night I dont remember, kicking myself for drinking and dialing. I wake up with regret on a regular basis. Last night I started organizing a block party and got a band set up, (but havent invited anyone on the freaking block yet) I drink daily, have for 14 years minus 2 9 month pregger states of being. It started heavily in college, though I drank as a teen too. Now Im a 32 year old with a drinking problem. no, Im a 32 year old with a quitting problem! the drinking i have down pat.

I drink because Im bored. I drink because I worry. I worry because I drink. People know I drink too much. Hubby is upset with me over the last 2 nights, (pretty heavy drinking on my part, more than normal) I think he is an alcoholic too. I know he is. We are different in our habits. He cant go without but can stay in moderation (ive only seen him drunk 2 times in my life) I can go without but cant drink in moderation.

I drink at home to minimize embarassment. If there were a block I could put on the phone so I had no outside contact after 6pm, I would use it ( i start at about 3 pm and am pretty toasty by 6). On the other hand, I dont mind when we have to go somewhere without alcohol. I get tired of drinking, but I just cant seem to quit for good. My grandma sent me a Betty Ford book a couple years ago. I didnt throw it away. I was ashamed of myself that she had noticed, living in another state and never even seeing me. I didnt thow it, but I didnt read it either, till now.

I think Im a functioning alcoholic. whatever that means. I keep it pulled together as best I can to appear to have everything under control. Before I started my own business I avoided company parties specifically because I knew if I drank I would regret every minute. I am a smart drunk. (what an oxymoron) I do feel like I am less than compared to people without a problem. I dont have the self confidence because I think the drink is such a big flaw in me. But I dont feel less than when I actually have a few drinks in me.

Im scared of changes that may come with being sober. Im scared that H and I may not like each other anymore, Im scared of starting over. Im too old to keep starting over again and again.

My kids notice how much I drink.
My kids know to ask if they can have a swig of my cup instead of just taking a swig.

Ive got to change my life. But Im scared to change my life.

Hugs. Ay, I know what you're going through and it's horrible!! Let me tell you, I completely understand what you mean about wanting to put a block on your phone. It is so humiliating to continually drunk dial people. Ugh, I did that so many times, it's not even funny. Anyway, I'm glad that you found yourself this forum. The people here are so nice. I wish you the best.

Welcome Tangaroo, glad you're here and I hope you stick around.

Your story is not unique, many of us have been there and can relate. The question is, are you willing to do whatever it takes to achieve sobriety? AA can help, it's shown me a new way of life. Whatever you choose to do, I can assure you that dealing with life sober is much easier than drinking it away.

Keep reading and posting, this is a wonderful place to learn and share your experience.

Welcome Tangaroo :)

I was afraid of what might happen with my wife too... I was scared... but I also knew that the only chance I had was to quit... it was the only option I saw... as scary as it was...

Good luck Tangaroo... this a a great place for support... stick around... keep posting...

Welcome to the family, Tangaroo. Please keep reading and posting - you don't have to do this alone.

Rowan

Welcome to SR Tangaroo!! :)

Hi tangaroo yup you described me as well seems to affect woman lots eh . years ago I thought alcoholics where people in shabby clothes with a bottle in a paper bag homless destolute!! Its horrible this bloody disease how it sneaks up on you than bang! its got you and your life revolves round the bottle. My habit was two bottles of wine ( once or twice it was three!!) every second night and beacause I could have a break every second night ( in reality recovering!! ) and somethings woohoo I could go for three/four days but my mind was always on booze. Im 40 I have three children 13, 11 and 18 months and like you I stopped while I carried them and breast fed them but started again. Well guess what tangaroo Im coming up week seven!!!! and its fantastic life is soo good!! sure I get bad days hey thats life and I know Im still early to being sober but the mornings are so much nicer no foggy brains, dying brain cells lol. Lovely to meet you post lurk here as often as you can .. this is the first place Im come too when I get on the net!! take care
Ang

Welcome to SR. It's great that you are aware of your problem and that you want to stop. Maybe you and your husband could try going to some meetings together. I'm not married, but I can imagine it would be hard to stop if you're married to an alcoholic. Then again, if he's not willing to stop, you need to do what you need to do to get yourself sober. You can do it. Admitting you are powerless over alcohol is part of the first step.
BTW - and this is in noooo way meant to be mean, but I just have to mention it. I think "I am a smart drunk" is one of the best lines I have ever read on these boards. I know I used to think that way. I did my physics and chem problem sets drunk... positive the alcohol helped me think. I'd go to class with vodka in my water bottle... like no one could smell it. I've given presentations while drunk... certain that I never slurred my words. I'll just say my academic performance was less than stellar... I'm lucky I wan't kicked out of college.

Give AA a try, and see what you think. AA is not for everyone but it sure helped my rear end!

Welcome to SR Tangaroo! You will find so much support and understanding here.Keep posting-we do care,

Rosexox

Welcome Tangaroo......glad you are here. I can totally relate. Wine was my initial weakness. Red, but, it's good for you was my reasoning. Julie

I'm your age with two children and I am an alcoholic addict. I have 60+ days and went into a partial hospitalization in my area. Godsend. It was the best thing I could ever do for my babies and my family. You can PM me or keep posting here.

I struggled and this is my second time in the rooms of AA, but only the first time in treatment. I was ordered by CPS to treatment because I endangered my children. There is a silver lining to that dark cloud. I don't care what happens now, today..I don't have to drink or use to hide my feelings.

I use AA as my religion and it keeps me coming back.

thank you all so much for your words. Its 8:30 and im sober. Its 8:30 and my hubby is sober. He is more than willing to quit with me, and admits that his jangled nerves tonight prove that its a problem. While he soaks in the tub with his bubbles and magazine, ive been busting butt in the garden.
and much wandering around aimlessley ... watering plants even though its going to rain in about 5 minutes.

i am considering AA. There are parts of that program that I dont want to face quite yet. Amends, specifically. Ill get there. But today it was enough just to drink plain diet coke, knowing what the future holds. I cried because i know that Im never going to be one of those people that can have a glass of wine with dinner. I want to be a person who can, but Im not made that way. Ive never really thought about it like that before. I dont care if its something I did to myself, or if its genetics or what the culprit is, the outcome is the same.

Hi Tang..Glad you are here.

Welcome
 

I'm happy that you are here!

I understand how you feel about going to AA...I was very scared too before I went for the first time. But the meetings are a God-send to me now...don't worry so much about what lies ahead (the amends etc), just go to a meeting and I promise you that you'll walk out of there feeling good.

Big hugs

K

welcome tangaroo...thought we had us another Aussie here for a sec !! ;)
this is a good place - hope to see you around !
D

Not personally an "AA person", but I hope you know that "amends" don't come into play until step 8. If you have a good sponsor to work with they will not let you work that step until you are ready. Please don't let that discourage you from giving AA a try.

BTW congrats on your sober day and I'm glad you husband is being supportive. Take care.

Glad to see you here....:)
Welcome!

nice to meet you, tangaroo. keep posting, k