xXBacktoBlackXx

Hi everyone! =) I haven't posted in awhile, but I still read everyone's posts. I've been trying to make a lot of positive changes in my life and thought I would make an update post. I went to my first therapy appointment since school ended on Monday. It was in Indy and it actually went really well. I'm going once a week. I know that I need to join AA and I've been saying on this board for I don't know how long that I would. I finally got up the oomph to look up when meetings were in my town. There's a meeting tonight but there's a meeting tomorrow specifically for women, which I think would be better. Not that I have anything against men--not at all-- but, I don't want any funny stuff going on (haha, I don't know how else to word that), cause my heart can't take it right now.

I have no idea why I've been having so many positive changes, but I've been handling things a lot better. Yesterday, I went to visit one of my best friends that was in town. Her son and I used to date and he was there with his newly-wed wife and her kids. Normally, I would have freaked out about the situation, but I felt fine. It was a little sad, but that's it.

I also joined a runner's club with my mom to try and get my mind off of everything and our first meeting is tonight. AND my whole family is going to a Bob Dylan concert in July, which I'm way excited for AND an Amy Winehouse concert in August for Lollapalooza (Sp). I can't wait. And I recently started a diet that is a lot healthier than what I was eating when I was trying to curb cravings. I don't need to lose weight, but I want to get more energy. Typical alcoholic, though--I'm going all out for it. Always so extreme.

I hope everyone else has been doing well. I wanted to apologize for my "flip out" posts as I know they could be very extreme and over-dramatic. I feel like that was really self-centered and I apologize for that. I wish everyone the best. I'm happy to see the uplifting posts here and my heart goes out to those that are struggling, cause every day is also a struggle for me. Hugs.

Astro

Apology accepted, but not really necessary! Drama's my middle name;-)

I hope your meeting goes well, and think it's fantastic you're going to a womens meeting. Be sure to get some phone numbers and introduce yourself, and try to leave some extra time before and after the meeting to chat with others.

Sounds like you're doing much better and have a positive attitude. Keep it up!

stone

Hi B2B, it is so nice to hear you sounding happier! Get to whichever meeting you feel comfortable with but do get there, it honestly helps me even though I only just started going myself.
*cough* have you told your mum yet? *cough*

Rowan

B2B,

I am sincerely happy for you - you sound like you have a lot of focus, and I'm glad you're working hard at finding a balance in all areas.
My women's meeting has become very important to me - I hope it's as gratifying for you. Please let us know how it goes.
And there is no need to apologize - we've all been there.

Hugs.
Rowan xoxox

Spiritual Seeker

Oh my, what a difference a week makes. You are taking positive action and getting out of your head. Yea for YOU!! You sound amazing today. Sounds like you are heading out of the problem and into the solution. Fantastic.
That's great that you can make amends when you think you were wrong in some way. I did read some of your "poor me" "There's nothing to do but use" threads.

CarolD

Sounds like you are doing great!!...

BTW Many alcoholics follow an eating plan for hypoglycemia

Blessings

Aysha

B2b...I am so happy for you.
You already sound so positive.
No need to apologize. We have all been there I am sure.
You are on your way.
Stay strong. You deserve this.

xXBacktoBlackXx

Thanks guys. =) =)

Stone, I haven't told my Mom yet. It's like the elephant in the room...everyone knows it's there but nobody talks about it. Maybe after my meeting, I will get up the courage.

livefree

Proud of you! I'm so happy you've found a meeting... choosing a specific one can help keep procrastination at bay.

That's great that you're finding distractions and focusing on taking care of you. Running is a great healthy outlet... it helps me when I start dwelling on stupid things I did when drunk and I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Good for you for eating right... I tend to think of alcohol as sucking all the vitamins and nutrients out of my body... it' so bad for you when you think about it.

Also, my friend just saw Amy Winehouse in concert and said it was awesome AND he's in AA and he said that not everyone was drinking.

Keep it up. You're on the right track!

Jules62

This is just so wonderful B2B! I am proud of you-talk about turning things around!Your post brought a huge smile to my face.You so deserve this.and as others have said-no need to apologise-we understand only too well!

Much love,

Rosexox

caileesnana

Glad to hear you sounding better! You seem happy.
your in my prayers,
susan

Dee74

great to hear all is going well, BtB...come back again when you can !
enjoy the Dylan and the Amy (got Frank today !)
D

parentrecovers

be patient with yourself, b2b. recovery is a process. blessings, k

stone

Hi again B2B, I feel I was a bit intrusive asking you but I do think you will feel better when you have told her. Sorry if I was too intrusive, how did the meeting go? or is it tonight?

xXBacktoBlackXx

Thanks for the support. Ugh, I feel really stupid for writing that post yesterday because I didn't go to the meeting this afternoon. I was really intending to do it, but I felt so much anxiety...sweating, panic attack. I don't know why I'm so nervous about it. I felt all of this anxiety the night before, too. I called and set up an appointment with a therapist in my town for anxiety because I feel like I need to take something for it. I'm going to try and go to the next women's meeting. I don't know what keeps holding me back...well, I do know. Myself! But, I'm going to try and deal with this. I don't know why, but I've been feeling so dehydrated and maybe that's partly what's contributing to the anxiety? I'm trying to drink a lot of water.

Dee74

'scool...little steps...so long as you are moving

D

Rowan

Fear and anxiety are normal - you're right to talk to your therapist - it's hard to push through the fear initially, but like aunt Dee says, so long as you are moving, you'll be okay. Please keep posting. We care.

Rowan xoxo

xXBacktoBlackXx

Yeah, I'll just be relieved when tomorrow comes...I feel a lot better than I did when I used to post here a lot but whenever I get these anxiety attacks, my mind plays so many tricks on me. I convinced myself that I drank yesterday even though I know that I didn't. I convinced myself that I just can't remember doing it. I know that sounds really crazy, but sometimes I have overwhelming anxiety about memory and not remembering what I do. Honestly, I think it's from the blackouts I used to have when I drink. It's so hard for me to believe that I don't have to deal with this anymore since I'm sober that I really don't know how to deal with it. I convince myself that I still have blackouts. Everytime the phone rings, I cringe for fear that someone will tell me something bad I did yesterday. Odd. It's hard to adjust to this new life.

Rowan

It's a huge adjustment, and it takes time, that's for sure. Slow down as best you can, and live moment by moment.
I had more problems with depression than anxiety, but the few times that I experienced it (anxiety) it was absolutely overwhelming. I know you mentioned maybe taking something for it but be careful - I got prescribed clonazepam (benzo) and got hooked. Maybe ask your therapist about some natural stuff you can use breathing techniques, meditation, anything like that which can maybe help you to slow down.

Keep us posted.

Rowan xoxo

livefree

I understand what you mean about adjusting to not being blacked out. It feels really good to actually remember what happened yesterday. Speaking of thinking you used, I had a drunk dream last night. I haven't had one in a while, but it was so vivid. Like, I'd run out of alcohol and I was with my best friend and I was trying to get to the liquor store before it closed without her noticing and I was flipping out because I didn't want to be without alcohol for the night. It felt so real... it was scary. The emotions, the kind that can't be conveyed in words because they are everything - panic, fear, obsession, anxiety, guilt... they were all swarming around in my head. I can't believe I lived like that not too long ago. I'm just so glad I don't feel that way anymore.