Alive

Today i was thinking after another let down....although i relapsed i was talking to somebody...not right for me....i was completely lost...and i had the 1% of my soul still working say a brave thing...somebody asked me..do you want to...my response after a split second ...was no i don't want to......
There is still the real me somewhere in this body of mine...I am so lost but still my spirit isn't completely dead..Forgive me for sharing but i need to..i really do...It's really hard and although it seems silly to people i do need to share..
Tough i was on a destructive spiral, i still have some self love left...and no i can't take my life to a certain level...I don't know if God will forgive me for all my life, i am very religious and i promise everytime to God i will stop..i 've broken so many promises to God, i've surrendered so many times and i feel like i've been fighting something that's not human...i really get on my knees all the time...but there must be something i am not doing right...Since i am not an alkie or a codie...since i am a blend of every little thing a man can harm himself with..I am so tired...I don't understand why i am two things....two dark and two bright....I feel like i failed everybody...Went to the eye doctor and mom is really needing me...We weren't expecting..She's had a whole life of surgeries on the eyes and she needs me now..She has lenses deep inside the eyes( they "glue" it in there)....I can't fail her...oh my God....The doctor has warned us if she doesn't stop any physical effort and if she doesn't take these shots in the eyes, the worst can happen....I feel like a traitor because i am not fighting enough for her...I have changed my life just a little..I am walking the dog and waking up early early to carry her bags to the car..She can't do gardening anymore, at least for some monts.....but i failed today...i relapsed..I can't stop thinking God is punishing me because i've been away from God for two years...We already had a huge tragedy in the past with my bro, people said there was no hope...and a miracle happened...I am so tired...oh Lord i am so sorry, i really love you Lord, but i might not have the strength to do this..I will have that strength..she needs me...I will win this fight...I also did some exams myself....I am very healthy on the eyes in terms of vision, but i have a problem with the convergence of the eyes...i have a convergence of 15% while most people have a convergence of 45%, therefore i have 1/3 of normal.It is completely correctable by surgery or by exercises( which i am doing)....My dad just told me i am not going to do nothing with my life...I don't want him to be right...He says i am behind everybody, basically a loser and that my life will always be like that...and that i am too attached to my mother...Well i just wanted to protect her...had he treated her right..i could be at peace with that and i could've actually had a life of my own......I just which i had the strength to rub in his face that i am a successful man...Monday we arrived from the voyage to the doctor( after 5 hours of bus- 2,5 up, 2,5 down) and dad went to dinner at 10 pm and we took another bus home and ate alone. he did not pick us up...Plus i ate some old seafood and that didn't go down very well.lol....But it's like i am making the haters happy...it's ridiculous..I am all my mom has in this house...and i need to be with her at the interventions...i have college exams back to back on those dates...what i need is to stop forever..How do i do that...Got a Management test in 4 days...haven't studied yet....My dad always says that i am dysfunctional, that i haven't done nothing right..i should be graduating this year..I know i am such a screw up..and that is damn fine, just as long as i am sober...Granny just had surgery yesterday and i wasn't there..grandfather fell at 85 and he's struggling because the broken leg is not healing fast..Everything is happening and i am so tired....My mom's family is so good that they rented a house for 15 bucks a month since 20 years ago.Now the dude is suing us, because he wants a better house..lol...His son drives a BMW..lol..we don't have money....and he wants us to support him..Laws here are kind of ridiculous..You can't put somebody out of your house unless they don't pay...well he pays 15 bucks..and he wants the house renewed and called the court....My whole family is down...and i need to get up...so bad.....We are waiting for the verdict...Wanna laugh? My lawyer is 82...LOL...She lost a couple of evidences but still she has been an amazing help....She offered once to send me to Florida...she's like the first woman in the district to practice law...
I know in me there is a great man...i know i have the character dad doesn't have..but i am so destructive sometimes that if i did not love God i would put a gun to my head..I won't do that...My uncle died that way ten years ago and i can't put people through that again...Plus i love living...
It's just f**up that i dropped music class...that's how low i got..i never skipped a class in the first year...but the depression became bigger than my love...
And i am not going to counseling because my brother got to the point of having to take 50 pills a day..I heard a shrink once said to my mom, she should give up on my brother and take care of me...Well God didn't give up and made him healthy..That is our biggest victory...we spent 1000 dollars a month on a doctor..but it was worth it..i mean any money, all money is worth for peace..believe me...This doctor said dad and momy should split because it's a terrible, terrible ambiance in the house...I mean at Christmas we all eat like two at a time. An in new year, he stays on the couch while we celebrate....It's so funny dad is loaded and i am completely broke...lol..He does give me like 250 dollars a months, but with college books, it isn't enough..He told me he won't support me for much longer...And that he's tired of having me in the house...I am 22....Mom never worked after she married him. She was my dad's company's employee.She started working when she was 14.she worked till midnight.....He fell in love with her so he could irritate my grandfather....His whole family hated she was poor..Funny fact..One of the priests didn't show up to the wedding....probably scared of the family...lol...Mom married alone plus two witnesses...I've always carried the guilt that i was the reason why people did not accept us...But the reason is because i don't suck up to dad...We go to a family lunch and they spend 3 hours saying how great and intelligent he is..so they get free gas and perks..it's hilarious...He told me once..he did not support me because i am not on his side..see he is always on his latest Mercedes and i ride the bus..lol...actually two buses. the newbie bus and the actual bus...lol...he keeps comparing me to other peoples kids and how successfully they are...I was watching that series brothers and sisters, everybody is f***up but they still love each other.I am all alone...all alone...completely alone...my friends always call me when they need something, but never check on me....it's alright, i believe you need to know the truth...but it's lonely and i've been fighting against dad since 15 and it has killed me.plus i have all the regular problems an adult has...i wish i was cold, damn it, i would be fine....ahhhhhh...damn emotions...maybe that's my blessing....maybe that's what sets me apart...but that is always the reason why i can't see pain and walk away....

My friends i will be ok..I'm sorry for being all lover the place...But this is the only place i can come too in a time like this..I am not sure God wants me anymore.....just need to get my own negativity out...Do you believe we aren't ourselves in addiction? Or it's just the worst of us?Did i fail my mother?

i am glad you all are an inspiration to this man here on the screen.keep staying strong.

paulmh

This isn't about success or failure K. What goes on inside us - lots of us, some addicts, some alcoholics, some none of the above - is that for some reason we are at war with ourselves. Inside us is just conflict.

Keep your eye on the prize brother. We aren't seeking material wealth, social acceptance, family harmony, whatever. We're looking for some peace. We're looking for an end to the war we're in inside.

xXBacktoBlackXx

K, I hear you. I've really had thoughts before about just ending it all, but I know how devestating that would be for my family and I don't want to put people through that guilt. One of the parts of your post that I felt strongly about was when you said that your addictions are a little bit of everything...that's how I feel, too. It's such a strange feeling when you realize that. Hugs.

Alive

yes..i pray for him...i tried...i had long talks with him...never had answers...it's not disturbing like it used too..they are not good people.i mean my mom had just had her uterus taken a week before he pushed her so.....i am just in a really bad day...i am usually very positive but today was just..i am tired of trying, you know....i am so tired...i literally have to drag myself through the house, that is one of the reasons why i lost my focus today..i tried to pick my books but i am too tired to even read..i mean, yesterday i slept three times and i hate sleeping...today i just lost it....i run in the morning and then i come back to bed cuz i am too tired...my strength is on the limit...
but i will be ok...i always do..quitting is not an option..so i'll be here...i'll be ok..i just need peace, that's all i need....i need to give myself a chance to be happy...it's nobody's fault i got to this situation, i could have been stronger...i could have had more pride...i wouldn't be alive if I couldn't survive through this..

teej

Hang in there karim, just keep trying.

Rowan

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, Karim. I know it's a very painful place. Please try to take some comfort in knowing that you aren't truly alone. We are all in this together, in spirit. Don't be so hard on yourself (((((Karim)))))

Anna

Hi Karim,

I am so sorry for your pain.

First of all, my advice is to stop listening to your father. He is not telling you anything that can possibly be helpful to you in recovery or in living your life. I find it frustrating that you would even consider to believe he is right in what he says.

You are a good person and you will find your way. God has not deserted you, nor have we. Try to stay focused on yourself and your recovery and then the rest will fall into place.

Jules62

Hey K,

I am so sorry you're feeling like this. *hugs*

I just wanted to say-God will ALWAYS want you.He will never abandon you.He is the shepherd who leaves the 99 of his flock to go and seek out the one lost sheep.He will never forsake you and we will always be here for you too.

Sending you much love and prayers too,

Rosexox

cmc

Hey Karim,
I saw your thread and just had to let you know what a great person you are and I agree with what Anna said about your dad. I've had to stay away from toxic people whenever possible and when I am around them I have to constantly tell myself that what they say or do belongs to them, not to me.
My son reminds me what he has learned in recovery:"If it doesn't apply, let it fly." and that's really helped me with letting go of what others think or say about me. Stay focused on what you know is true.
hugs,
cmc

Alive

=>

stone

Hi Karim, I agree with what everyone else has said! Sending you some positive vibes friend

CarolD

Your Mom is receiving the best treatment possible.
The implants never give pain and the shots keep
her eye disease from progressing.

She is fortunate to have both the procedure
and to have your love and assistance.

God is always with us ..

IO Storm

karim...

There is so much I could say to you my friend...

But what I hear the most in your thread is conderning how much God is willing to

forgive..and the feelings of worthlesness you carry.

I believe the feelings are from a life where you were made to feel this.

Not true..not true...

How many times does God forgive?

A man asked Christ if he should forgive 7 times.

Christ replied "Forgive not 7 times but 70 times seven."

Now if finite man is told to forgive one person 490 times...

How much more will infinite God forgive us?

You could never count the infinite number.

You ARE a strong man...with infinite love for others..

Turn that inward toward yourself.

Don't believe any more lies.

Love,

IO

Alive

Turning love in..that is deep....

thanks all! it really mean it..i really do.i'm feeling me today.

Alive

So today i found another reason for my addictive behavior...the loneliness...ahhh..that's quite hard...i was searching for love all this time, funny hum? i guess a lot of us feel that way, not loved and we search something to hold us.how many times did i need somebody to hold me....so i went to destructive things because i couldn't take it...So this means i am gonna give love a chance in the near future, but not now...i am too confused, so a relationship has to wait till i am lucid and clear...and i used to be obsessed with new starts...and i did so many things wrong...i always tried to erase the old me, that is wrong, there is a reason why i got where i got..because i felt alone..and there is a learning experience from that.....i can't do a new me, i have to take the me i have and start over....I found it...i just wanted a person to hold me all this time..It hurts like hell but i have to go through it without things that make it seem easier.I am lonely and alone.It's hard for a man to admit this...It's like we aren't supposed to say we need love, but it's true, we are not animals, we are hearts inside bodys .i just need to learn to be alone and not lonely....and maybe one day God will be great and give me somebody that really treats me nice.But for that to happen i need to treat myself nice....I don't really know....but i am in my early twenties and i feel so confused about life..i really don't know what i'll be..the funny thing is i always knew..how can you discover that what you think you wanted is not what you really need....I lived in search of complementation in people, but they can't fill me...i never thought i would go through this at this age..i should be partying and i am soul searching...lol...well it can't be wrong....i am going to be fine...it just takes time...to know who i am now, because i became a man, without knowing, because i was being destructive....some days ago...i looked in the mirror of an elevator and i was like...wait...there's a man in the mirror..lol...and now sometimes older women actually check me out and i'm like...wooo...i'm not your age...ok....i remember i went to this store where i know somebody and there was a woman there and she said...you have to marry my daughter ...i was like, who is she talking to?lol.i never thought anybody could ever like me...because of my past of hurting of lack of self love..someway i still feel like the little kid trying to be loved so hard......in a man's body...sometimes i have conversations with people and we are talking bout a topic and i can't remember about an actual situation and people always find it so odd...it's like i've been asleep for all this time...i haven't been really living, i've been depressed for 8 years..i only realized a couple of months ago we are almost at the end of the decade, you know?..i was dead while living...you know...i really do feel sad i didn't do the things people my age did..but i can still live...i have 7,5 years before 30...i got to rock this one....roflmfao..i wish i went on a trip around Europe, that would be awesome...lol..just not like that Hostel movie(Q. Tarantino)...roflmfao!

i am feeling good today...

parentrecovers

hugs and support to you, karim - k

Dee74

hang in there my friend, the trick about life is that things don't always come along when we want them, but they usually do when we need them. You are a good man, you'll be fine !

D

Alive

thanks k and Dee..i just found my new sig...lol...

stone

Hi Karim, your doing fine mate-do what you have to do and don't worry about what you think you should be doing.

Be glad you are young, you could be like me-38 and cant remember the last 10 years hardly, in fact it is more than that, I also cant remember my childhood cos I blocked it all out.

I was in an AA meeting and this guy was 'sharing' he said he was 71 and got sober at 65 and he felt like his emotions were that of a child because all those years of drinking he was just numbing himself, made me feel lucky I am 'only' 38!

You will be fine Karim, I can just tell-cos I am so old and wise lol

Alive

(((stone)))

i hope these ((( mean hugs...i am really not nerdy when it comes to intel language.lol...