MamaOf2

I've known for a long time that I was a problem drinker, but I've finally come to accept that I'm an alcoholic and my life has become unmanageable. After a long talk with my husband, following a bender on Sunday, I've decided that I can't drink - at all. I can't stop when I do.

Monday night (day 1) went OK (still feeling hungover, so any thought of alcohol wasn't very appealing) and I was still dealing with the shame and guilt (aftermath of Sunday.) Day 2 was fine, worked out, did my normal thing, etc - but by Tuesday night I was overwhelmed by anxiety. I began to have some insight as to WHY I've been drinking so much - I liked being able to turn off my brain - to just "be" without thinking and worrying so much.

Last night I sat down with some tea to watch TV and was struck by how mindless everything seemed - and then got caught up in thoughts that someday I'd be dead and gone (I have huge fears of death) and that I wasn't doing everything I could to live each day to the fullest. Problem is that I can't think of what I need to be doing, but I just felt overwhelmed with inadequacy, fear, and I felt like jumping out of my own skin. I went upstairs, alone and just cried (and I'm not a crier, normally.)

I understand that I've most likely been self-medicating with alcohol, that that's what I've used to erase that stress and existentialistic anxiety, and that I *need* to work through these feelings - that drinking them away isn't healthy...but does it get easier? I feel better this morning, but I dread those thoughts and anxiety again.

Anna

Hi Mama,

I was overwhelmed emotionally when I stopped drinking. I know I had been self-medicating for several years with alcohol. Stopping drinking brought to the surface all the emotions that I had been running away from - they were still there and the only choice I had was to work through them. It's okay to be unsure of what to do next at this point in early sobriety. Just try to listen to your heart and get through each day. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually every day and it will get better.

Rowan

Hi Mama,

I'm glad that you decided to post, and that you're sober today. I drank to numb all those feelings, and it was pretty overwhelming when I stopped. I understand how out of control you might feel right now, especially with the anxiety, fear and tears, but it DOES get better. The physical stuff (withdrawals etc) was peanuts compared to the emotional stuff I had to work through.
I hope you keep posting - life is so much better sober.

Rowan

leviathon

Hey Mama, ahhh the sober thought process... I realized I was drinking to shut off my own thoughts... I have a stressful job that leads to a lot of decisions on behalf of other people, etc. It is tough. I drank to shut it all down.

At least that is what I thought. With further clear time I realized I drank for more reasons than just that. They include: shutting down thoughts, not dealing with my own feelings, confidence in social settings, depression, anger, etc.

With a lot of sober time, things are more in perspective. At times it can be difficult to deal with all these thoughts, but now I do what I did before drinking, work out, go play golf (ok this is new), walking, TALKING, etc.

Peace, Levi

CarolD

I felt a sense of futility and doom until I connected with
AA.....it lifted within a few weeks.

For me...AA meetings are a classroom for how to live sober
with joy and purpose.

Blessings

livefree

Woah... I just wrote almost those exact words (about wanting to jump out of my skin when thinking) in another post! I feel like the hardest part of staying sober is dealing with thoughts/fears without picking up a drink to allay the self-hatred/anxieties. I also deal with the fear that I'm wasting (or already have wasted) my life. You're not alone. Sometimes (like when I'm trying to sleep!) these thoughts become overwhelming. I have to stop myself and say "no matter what, as long as I didn't drink today, it was a good day." It's my experience that the anxiety slowly lessens in intensity.

karrotop

hi...i've felt that way too...funny,though,i never thought i had an anxiety problem when i was drinking....I too was self medicating with alchohol.....the bottle gave me a false sense of security.Now that i have been sober for just over 2 months,I am suffering from anxiety and stress from normal everyday stuff....My therapist says that when you quit drinking,it's like walking through life naked....unprotected...and she is right...So, now i am learning new ways of dealing with the anxiety....without crawling into a bottle everynight.....So,yes,what you're feeling now is normal,and it does get easier....if you stay sober.KT

SaTiT

I went to AA to get me with semilar issues. The 12 steps helped me
through stuff like that.

Bascially life is not with out pain but suffering is optional.

an analogy would be..
When i was drinking and using..

I was always standing on the edge of a cliff.
I didn't jump nor step back...i was always hanging on the cliff
livng in constant fear or suffering.
Drinking and using was just me closing me eyes, but it nevered
took me off of the cliff.