Aysha

Ok here I go thinking again.
Yea..I dont learn.
I just feel lonely lately I guess.
I had a dream about my ex. And although I would never get back into that toxic relationship again. We had our moments. But how we met and what went on in the 4 years we were together just will always forever be burned in both our minds. Not to mention he is an illegal mexican who got deported back to Mexico in March. And he is an abusive alcoholic. Plus I met him in the streets as a dealer and met him under shameful circumstances back in the day.
We tried to have a normal life together and between me still getting high and him drinking all the time. It was a bad situation. Absolutely no trust at all. He stopped dealing when he moved from Florida to Ny with me. I havent seen him in almost 3 years but think about him sometimes. Most of the time he makes my skin crawl and very rarely do I miss the good times we had.
Last talked to him a few weeks ago in Mexico.
He wants to come back but we will never be able to have a life together like I want. He will never be able to become legal with his record here. Lots of Sale and possesion charges. He hardly speaks english and he will never be able to establish anything here. Plus we are not good for each other.
Anyway..I feel like I will never be ready for a relationship. I have changed so much over the years from being in the streets. Theres alot in my mind that wont allow me to be completely open with someone. I've done things that make certain situations hard to stomach now. Plus I look so different. I have gained alot of weight and I just dont feel like I will ever be comfortable to be in a relationship ever again.
But I do miss how it was before I got turned out.
All it has been is drug dealers for the past 10 years.
That to me wasnt really a real thing. No matter what we did. It was all about the drugs and money and game.
I dont know why I am even posting this.
I need to stop listening to these dam slow jams.
I know this tho.
I definately need to get myself together before I even attempt a relationship with anyone.
Sorry yall.
I am just randomly thinking out loud and just letting things out.

best

A good place to start....

You know you have changed and now you need accept the fact... You are worth it.
You are worth so much more then a half hearted relationship with a drug dealer.
I know it is tough but we need to start accepting the facts and once we start accepting the facts, we find more growth.

A fact or two....
You have changed.
Your changes have made you worth so much more.
Because of your changes you have more to offer others.
Give yourself a hug. Wrap your arms around yourself right this moment and tell yourself... I am worth it.

*HUG*

chicago

yep i know all about feeling lonely. felt lonely since i was 19. in sobriety i talked to my sponsor alot about being lonely alot. he would tell me im never alone with God in my life. now with some time in the program ive finally discovered what he's talking about. he's absolutely right. in this program ive developed a tight connection with God (which only happened through constant activity in AA). for everything that happens to me in sobriety, i work the 11th step and its such a peaceful state to be in. that said, consistently showing up to AA for an extended period has given me a pretty decent network too. this has also helped tremendously. i still definitely have my moments but i havent had this many people in my life since i was 18. the cliche "keep coming back" applies to you because its so true. if you consistently show up for AA, lonely feelings will disappear.

barb dwyer

chiynthia -

*hug*

We're here. You're not alone.

Just wanted you to know that this is also very common in early recovery. We don't always 'see' the positive changes we're making ... and we're not used to looking at a future. Those thoughts are scary. We'd rather go back to the 'bad' that we were used to, rather than face the unknown ... even when we 'know' what we are doing is the right thing.

I'm starting my 9th month sober, and this topic is one of the most common that I hear in the women's rooms. Besides having these feelings myself from time to time.

Mainly, I just wanted you to know that these feelings are apparently 'normal' ... if any of us can be 'normal', that is.

And we all know how it is.

We're here.

IO Storm

Yeah Chiy...

That ol' addiction feels normal and more comfortable at first.....

And the people involved...it is a strong strong pull..

But with time you will see with "new eyes" the true nature

of this time and (him)...

Time....it seems far away now but there is a beautiful man out there

for you..that deserves you.

Love,

Sherry

barb dwyer

how about -

there's a beautiful woman in here
*taps chest*
that we don't even know yet?

I'd rather get to know her ... first.

northbelle

Hey beautiful lady!!!..yeah I am talking to YOU!!
I hear you about the loneliness!! At least you have us here!! I know you have made yourself a space in my heart!!
How is your injury healing up?? I have thought alot about you this week knowing what you ahve went through..
love north

Rusty Zipper

chiy our sweety seeing the reality of your past also lady... and thats whats going to help bring you into a new, way better today and future for that wonderfull person called chiynita...

someday, maybe real soon you will look back at the past and say... "what wasnt i think'n" lol

xxoo & blessings out to you hun...

xxoo, rz

Alive

i am giving myself some time too.i don't want to go into a relation now..i think i need to love myself first.i am in a relation my self love now!lol

take care...digging in is good, makes you grow, as long as we learn something new, as long as we put another brick in the wall!

stay strong

expenguin

I am putting in a few pennies to help you out.............

HUGS.....are the first on my list and plenty of them...........you are ok and friends are always here at SR........I find the best friends here that totally understand.........

Think positive each day and know that God is out there watching over you.............especially when you think you are left behind and the loneliness sets in.........................

I have advise about that guy you are no longer with..........get rid of him and move on with your life.............you don't need that kind of guy.....nor do you need to keep in touch...............

He is never going to change even though you think he might..............he is nothing but trouble..............

Life is so much better when you have recovery with you.........get to some meetings and talk to your real freinds in the program.....................You can do it and I trust in you.......

Hang in there and I will also pray for you today.................

Lots of Hugs are here for you anytime.......................

Little Penguin

serina

I have felt/feel so lonely sometimes too. I had to end a destructive relationship and spent the next 5 years mourning the loss and stuck....wanting so much to find a relationship but in denial over my alcoholism, not working a recovery program, just "dry" and depressed. In a constant self-pity over being alone but not willing to put myself out there to meet anyone because I've been such a mess. I have just made the decision to go back to AA and actually work on recovery. This time my focus is on finding a relationship with my HP and letting him guide me, finding out who I am, and forming friendship with other recovering women. Last time I focused on how many men I could find to date. Once I am ok with me and my HP and have that strong support system, I may actually date again who knows.

I just realized I've been waiting on a man to come and fix me and it just doesn't work that way. I actually feel a sense of relief like a weight was lifted on that expectation. Also I have always felt a certain stigma about my singleness when I visit a church or social event. I don't feel that in AA. It just doesn't feel like the focus. I guess because there is such a wide range of people there and even if they are a couple they usually come to meetings on their own. also there are many singles b/c like me they don't do relationships very well. I also remember that I have been lonely in relationships and even when I was married so there has to be a better way.

Aysha

Thanks for all your posts.
I am definately in no way thinking of ever getting back with the ex. He sickens me more than anything.
And I really dont mind being by myself.
I dont need or want anymore dramam in my life right now.
I just remember what it was like to have real feelings for someone before I put myself out there.
Things that I have done and been through over the years have killed those feelings.
Certain things will never have the meaning they did before.
I hate being touched or complimented.
Makes me sick sometimes.
I guess like everything else that too shall pass.

Surlyredhead

I understand that feeling also, I get all squishy inside from time to time, when I think about my ex-husband (have been divorced for almost 15 years) I know in my mind that it was a toxic relationship for both of us, but when I am in that "certain" mood, I feel sad for the loss....I realize now it is the loss of something that was once good that is making me sad, not the "ex" himself....that doesn't usually help my heart much when I am feeling that way, but it makes more sense in my mind. We are here for you....a big cyber hug is on its way...

Cathy