Don't want to loose my mind!
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Don't want to loose my mind!
Ok so i am going through a really hard time...Just personal..of confusion and fear of myself..of what i can do...I never though i'd be here at this age.I though i'd have a degree, a life, a car. I have nothing.That's what i'm left with after a self-destruction addiction has swept away all my good roots.
When a craving for destruction comes i think about what is the reason to keep myself sober.And although i know the reasons, i put it in a scale and it looks like i am ready to give up all for a life of destruction.I can't get it tough.How can you be so positive and so down at the same time.I am completely out of balance in everything.Forget it, this is not about one or two addictions, this is a completely unbalanced form of life.
i've seen people lose it.I do want to clean my life up but i don't know how to create self love inside....
Anybody here has ever felt like your going to lose your mind because of all the damage of the addiction?i'm so afraid that i just poof...one day wake up and can't turn back....
I am young and i can't remember sometimes what i had for lunch or what film i watched last night.....and when it's time to study sometimes when i am focused i nail it. i went to this test i didn't study and i passed, but most of the times i just skip classes and tests.I've visited mental houses to see familiar people, it's the worst place in the world...i am afraid,so afraid of that....I remember the people in houses with bars on the window.One time i entered the wrong house on the mental institution and everybody came to the door...i felt like they were treated like animals...like animals running to the door to get out...so sad....i mean i do love and respect people in that situation but i really wanna keep my sanity...i prize it so much...it's the saddest thing in the world...i can't help myself to destruct, it's not right....i am needing some friends today....sorry....
I know this dude that lives on the street.Everyday he's on a different street of the neighborhood...i can't imagine what he went through...sometimes he throws rocks at people..he eats from the garbage...and if there's something i know is that anybody in the world can loose its mind...it just depends on the amount of hurt at a certain time.
I have to stop, i don't want to walk on the street and don't remember who i am.
When a craving for destruction comes i think about what is the reason to keep myself sober.And although i know the reasons, i put it in a scale and it looks like i am ready to give up all for a life of destruction.I can't get it tough.How can you be so positive and so down at the same time.I am completely out of balance in everything.Forget it, this is not about one or two addictions, this is a completely unbalanced form of life.
i've seen people lose it.I do want to clean my life up but i don't know how to create self love inside....
Anybody here has ever felt like your going to lose your mind because of all the damage of the addiction?i'm so afraid that i just poof...one day wake up and can't turn back....
I am young and i can't remember sometimes what i had for lunch or what film i watched last night.....and when it's time to study sometimes when i am focused i nail it. i went to this test i didn't study and i passed, but most of the times i just skip classes and tests.I've visited mental houses to see familiar people, it's the worst place in the world...i am afraid,so afraid of that....I remember the people in houses with bars on the window.One time i entered the wrong house on the mental institution and everybody came to the door...i felt like they were treated like animals...like animals running to the door to get out...so sad....i mean i do love and respect people in that situation but i really wanna keep my sanity...i prize it so much...it's the saddest thing in the world...i can't help myself to destruct, it's not right....i am needing some friends today....sorry....
I know this dude that lives on the street.Everyday he's on a different street of the neighborhood...i can't imagine what he went through...sometimes he throws rocks at people..he eats from the garbage...and if there's something i know is that anybody in the world can loose its mind...it just depends on the amount of hurt at a certain time.
I have to stop, i don't want to walk on the street and don't remember who i am.
came-came to-came to believe
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,116
"there's nothing i can do but fight....."
actually, there is only one thing to do except fight---
and that is, "surrender"
put the plug in the jug and join all us other odaat'ers
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
******** Karim}}}}.
I am so Sorry to hear you are having a rough time today. There seems to be alot of that going around lately.
I have the same fears aout waking up one day and just being completely gone forever.
If you are in need of a friend you always have one here. I wish I had some advice togive you, but I am in the same boat and cant get it together.
The best I can do is let you know you are not alone.
Your friend,
Beth
I am so Sorry to hear you are having a rough time today. There seems to be alot of that going around lately.
I have the same fears aout waking up one day and just being completely gone forever.
If you are in need of a friend you always have one here. I wish I had some advice togive you, but I am in the same boat and cant get it together.
The best I can do is let you know you are not alone.
Your friend,
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
hey
Your doing well........... you are recognising the signs
Im not sure if you are still using but by facing up to stuff you are more than halfway there
through being sober you can rebuild your brain and your life but maybe you need to talk to some one who can offer more personal help
the inner voice can be harsh and by using (enter drug of choice) We can all block that voice out but it only comes back louder
Dont be so hard on yourself by now I should have car, partner,degree get on track now and everything else will follow.
In five years you could have all the stuff you want if you make the right choice today
take time out and make a plan
good luck
x
Im not sure if you are still using but by facing up to stuff you are more than halfway there
through being sober you can rebuild your brain and your life but maybe you need to talk to some one who can offer more personal help
the inner voice can be harsh and by using (enter drug of choice) We can all block that voice out but it only comes back louder
Dont be so hard on yourself by now I should have car, partner,degree get on track now and everything else will follow.
In five years you could have all the stuff you want if you make the right choice today
take time out and make a plan
good luck
x
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Feeling good and bad at the same time.
Boy you nailed it.
Yea pretty confusing isnt it.
I feel like that too.
I feel good because I have another chance to get this crap right. I didnt mess up my big job coming up in July and it still gives me time to get myself a little with it before then. I am going to need all focus on this job and I can not fail this time. My friend / ex boss has stood by me and keeps believing in me. He knows what I am capable of and is risking his ass at a new company by bringing me in with him.
He stood up for me every time at the last job. 4 times they hired me back. Mostly because he has senority and the respect and did alot of talking for me.
So I cant do what I have dome at the last place. He is giving me a good opportunity here and is putting his faith in me.
Even tho he doesnt know I am an addict. He knows I aint right. He just doesnt know exactly what it is. I dont think he cares. He just knows I am a good person and I bust my ass and am very dedicated when I want to be.
I got a great family. I have a nice home and car.
I have emenities in my home.
i am far from suffering.
But I like misery sometimes I think. I do really good then all of a sudden there I go messin up again.
Senseless. I feel like kickin my own butt. I am so hard headed.
I have felt like I was going to lose my mind so many times. I believe I did 2 weeks ago.
And I dont remember really any of it. But i heard plenty of what I did and said. Things that are just way out there and crazy.
It is all a part of this crap.
It sucks we have to go through this.
I wish it was as easy to get it together as it was to tear it up.
But it just isnt.
All we can do is grow the best we can and learn to cope.
I really dont know myself.
I am just trying to get by one day at a time.
I'm sorry your feeling like this.
We are here for you. I know I cant give a shoulder to lean on like I would like. But I can give some words of comfort.
I'll be thinking of you.
Boy you nailed it.
Yea pretty confusing isnt it.
I feel like that too.
I feel good because I have another chance to get this crap right. I didnt mess up my big job coming up in July and it still gives me time to get myself a little with it before then. I am going to need all focus on this job and I can not fail this time. My friend / ex boss has stood by me and keeps believing in me. He knows what I am capable of and is risking his ass at a new company by bringing me in with him.
He stood up for me every time at the last job. 4 times they hired me back. Mostly because he has senority and the respect and did alot of talking for me.
So I cant do what I have dome at the last place. He is giving me a good opportunity here and is putting his faith in me.
Even tho he doesnt know I am an addict. He knows I aint right. He just doesnt know exactly what it is. I dont think he cares. He just knows I am a good person and I bust my ass and am very dedicated when I want to be.
I got a great family. I have a nice home and car.
I have emenities in my home.
i am far from suffering.
But I like misery sometimes I think. I do really good then all of a sudden there I go messin up again.
Senseless. I feel like kickin my own butt. I am so hard headed.
I have felt like I was going to lose my mind so many times. I believe I did 2 weeks ago.
And I dont remember really any of it. But i heard plenty of what I did and said. Things that are just way out there and crazy.
It is all a part of this crap.
It sucks we have to go through this.
I wish it was as easy to get it together as it was to tear it up.
But it just isnt.
All we can do is grow the best we can and learn to cope.
I really dont know myself.
I am just trying to get by one day at a time.
I'm sorry your feeling like this.
We are here for you. I know I cant give a shoulder to lean on like I would like. But I can give some words of comfort.
I'll be thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Originally Posted by cali 
actually, there is only one thing to do except fight---
and that is, "surrender"
put the plug in the jug and join all us other odaat'ers
and that is, "surrender"
put the plug in the jug and join all us other odaat'ers
came-came to-came to believe
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,116
Thanks Glass--
I sometimes "re-read" what I type and worry that it comes out "wrong" or too hard etc..
I have only love and compassion to pass on-I know what it is to struggle, that's for sure----
and Inever want it to come across that I don't.
take care all
I sometimes "re-read" what I type and worry that it comes out "wrong" or too hard etc..
I have only love and compassion to pass on-I know what it is to struggle, that's for sure----
and Inever want it to come across that I don't.
take care all
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Karim,
I am sorry that you are having a rough time.
None of us expected to be in this position, I know I sure didn't . But, here we are and all we can do is to take care of ourselves today and try to live a good life and move forward. Be kind to yourself and just do what you can do. Things will fall into place as you continue your sobriety.
I am sorry that you are having a rough time.
None of us expected to be in this position, I know I sure didn't . But, here we are and all we can do is to take care of ourselves today and try to live a good life and move forward. Be kind to yourself and just do what you can do. Things will fall into place as you continue your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Hi Kari....Thanks so much for sharing....
What u did here by coming forth and talking
about ur situation is exactly how to work
ur program....it goes to show me that u
are taking care of YOU by asking for help.
There are so many of us that have walked
in ur shoes feeling the same way as u and
we certainly understand....
No ur not crazy....not at all....
Being crazy is continueing to destoy
ones self by drinking and using....
When i had my accident back in Feb 90
...then healed quite well....then in Aug 90
picked up a drink again to then try and
end my miserable life....well...i was taken to
the crazy ward the first night....with bars
on the windows...sockets filled in with
plaster...all my belonging taken away
so i wouldnt hurt myself.....how could
they do that to me...what do they think...
im gonna drink my colgne,,,or hurt myself....
Well that was the impression i gave
everone when i took a hand full of pills
the night before downing it with
alcohol....
It took a day to dry out as i passed
all the test they gave me....i knew
after spending a day and night in
that place ....wondering around
scared half to death as i passed
those shuffling across the floor,
pacing up and down.....hugging the
wall.....i wasnt like those people
at all....
But u know what...once i was sent
to the right dept....Silkworth...for
alcoholism....i recieved the tools
and knowledge of my disease and
thus knew i wasnt crazy at all....
I had this disease that was cunning
baffling and powerful and i was
powerless over it....
So each day i learned and i listened
to the words...the ESH of those
before me ...to guide me as i began
my recovery journey....
Sure 16 yrs is a long time to be
sober and i have gone thru many
changes....no im not cured and
yes i remain teachable....
As long as i have you and u have me
to help each other along the way....
i know im not crazy and neither r u.
What u did here by coming forth and talking
about ur situation is exactly how to work
ur program....it goes to show me that u
are taking care of YOU by asking for help.
There are so many of us that have walked
in ur shoes feeling the same way as u and
we certainly understand....
No ur not crazy....not at all....
Being crazy is continueing to destoy
ones self by drinking and using....
When i had my accident back in Feb 90
...then healed quite well....then in Aug 90
picked up a drink again to then try and
end my miserable life....well...i was taken to
the crazy ward the first night....with bars
on the windows...sockets filled in with
plaster...all my belonging taken away
so i wouldnt hurt myself.....how could
they do that to me...what do they think...
im gonna drink my colgne,,,or hurt myself....
Well that was the impression i gave
everone when i took a hand full of pills
the night before downing it with
alcohol....
It took a day to dry out as i passed
all the test they gave me....i knew
after spending a day and night in
that place ....wondering around
scared half to death as i passed
those shuffling across the floor,
pacing up and down.....hugging the
wall.....i wasnt like those people
at all....
But u know what...once i was sent
to the right dept....Silkworth...for
alcoholism....i recieved the tools
and knowledge of my disease and
thus knew i wasnt crazy at all....
I had this disease that was cunning
baffling and powerful and i was
powerless over it....
So each day i learned and i listened
to the words...the ESH of those
before me ...to guide me as i began
my recovery journey....
Sure 16 yrs is a long time to be
sober and i have gone thru many
changes....no im not cured and
yes i remain teachable....
As long as i have you and u have me
to help each other along the way....
i know im not crazy and neither r u.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
[QUOTE=karimpatim;1354716]Ok so i am going through a really hard time...Just personal..of confusion and fear of myself..of what i can do...I never though i'd be here at this age.I though i'd have a degree, a life, a car. I have nothing.
[QUOTE]
Karim,
this is just off the top of my head from your posts...you have a great voice, an amazing talent, a good brain, a compassionate soul, a good sense of humor, a strong spiritual faith and a mother who loves you.
These things are not nothing, man !!!!
knowing you I'm confident you must have a lot of gifts I don't know about...
Concentrate on the good things in you...learn to love yourself - this vessel which God has made...let love return when it will and remember all the cars and houses and all the other material stuff are just trappings...
very metaphysical of me I know, but I believe this
D
[QUOTE]
Karim,
this is just off the top of my head from your posts...you have a great voice, an amazing talent, a good brain, a compassionate soul, a good sense of humor, a strong spiritual faith and a mother who loves you.
These things are not nothing, man !!!!
knowing you I'm confident you must have a lot of gifts I don't know about...
Concentrate on the good things in you...learn to love yourself - this vessel which God has made...let love return when it will and remember all the cars and houses and all the other material stuff are just trappings...
very metaphysical of me I know, but I believe this
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hi Karim,
As I was reading your post I thought-He's having a 'There but for the grace of God, go I' moment.This is a good thing-but I understand the fear too.You have been aware of what you don't what to have happen to you-and this just shows me that you will do what you need to in order for it NOT to happen.
You strike me as an intelligent, thoughtful soul.Just keep doing what you're doing in order to stay sober.I believe in you and it's obvious so many others do too.Hang in there ((((((Karim))))))
As I was reading your post I thought-He's having a 'There but for the grace of God, go I' moment.This is a good thing-but I understand the fear too.You have been aware of what you don't what to have happen to you-and this just shows me that you will do what you need to in order for it NOT to happen.
You strike me as an intelligent, thoughtful soul.Just keep doing what you're doing in order to stay sober.I believe in you and it's obvious so many others do too.Hang in there ((((((Karim))))))
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Man, what a wonderful thing it is to have all of you support me. It completely amazes me that i get to have people( sometimes we forget there are people behind the screens) actually caring for me....It is priceless...to me...i won't forget neither the support, neither the attention!And all your good energy is pouring on this thread.I think that's what support is about.
Cali,Bfree,Temperance, Chiy,Glass,Anna,Sharon,Dee,Rowan,Rose
thanks much.to each and everyone, all of you in all your posts amaze me!
Cali,Bfree,Temperance, Chiy,Glass,Anna,Sharon,Dee,Rowan,Rose
thanks much.to each and everyone, all of you in all your posts amaze me!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Kirim...
I lost my marbles for reasons...lmao.
I kid you not.. my ass fell off once..so I went to go talk to my sponsor.
I whined for like a half an hour...but i still didn't have enough yet..
so when i was leaving...my sponsor told me that could screw off
my head and leave it with him for a while...lol
he told me he take good care of it for me..
he told me it would be the shortest distance to my heart if i didn't think so much..
I lost my marbles for reasons...lmao.
I kid you not.. my ass fell off once..so I went to go talk to my sponsor.
I whined for like a half an hour...but i still didn't have enough yet..
so when i was leaving...my sponsor told me that could screw off
my head and leave it with him for a while...lol
he told me he take good care of it for me..
he told me it would be the shortest distance to my heart if i didn't think so much..
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
(((((Kari)))))
You will be okay as long as you don't use. The material things you thought you would have will come with sobriety. Just focus on healing yourself, and the rest will fall into place. As for your memory, that will probably return in time, my short term memory was totally shot when I first got sober....slowly it returned and today I feel as "normal" as this old surlyredhead can feel.
Cathy
You will be okay as long as you don't use. The material things you thought you would have will come with sobriety. Just focus on healing yourself, and the rest will fall into place. As for your memory, that will probably return in time, my short term memory was totally shot when I first got sober....slowly it returned and today I feel as "normal" as this old surlyredhead can feel.
Cathy
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