scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
scared
I couldn't reach out, I couldn't explain
why I was feeling depressed and insane
the thoughts that were set inside my mind
I couldn't share, nor leave behind.
I held onto the last bit of hope
praying someone would throw me a rope
I couldn't reach out nor find that friend
somehow I had to find an end
The phone calls I made late at night,
were my cry for help from troubles and fright
yet still I couldn't explain, couldn't reach out
so alone I lived with my own fears and doubt.
Thinking about life and how I would end my fears
I started looking back through all the years
trying to remember a time I felt loved
but instead finding & feeling so unloved
I couldn't explain, I couldn't reach out
I couldn't even scream and shout.
If I could have found that voice
maybe now I would have a choice.
I wished the pain would go away
why was it there and why did it stay
The silence I knew had to be broken
but I couldn't do it, I was to heartbroken.
Then when I told Mum I was going to die
She wanted to form some tears in her eye
if she had loved me or even showed she cared
maybe then I could have been repaired.
She never loved me, She never cared
She left me alone frightened and scared
She watched, llistened and she knew
and yet to her abuse was taboo.
so now the demons that held me for so long in their grasp
the good old Lord decided to take me at last.
so now you can think about me in your head
Because when you read this I will be dead
The day is monday, the day I was conceived
the day and month was when I was due
28 years ago, I should have been born
yet 10 days later I entered the world.
Goodbye and fairwell my friend
i loved you all from the start to the end
Be strong, be kind, and never look to far behind
always live for your own peace of mind.
I just want the feelings to ease, the thoughts to stop..
why I was feeling depressed and insane
the thoughts that were set inside my mind
I couldn't share, nor leave behind.
I held onto the last bit of hope
praying someone would throw me a rope
I couldn't reach out nor find that friend
somehow I had to find an end
The phone calls I made late at night,
were my cry for help from troubles and fright
yet still I couldn't explain, couldn't reach out
so alone I lived with my own fears and doubt.
Thinking about life and how I would end my fears
I started looking back through all the years
trying to remember a time I felt loved
but instead finding & feeling so unloved
I couldn't explain, I couldn't reach out
I couldn't even scream and shout.
If I could have found that voice
maybe now I would have a choice.
I wished the pain would go away
why was it there and why did it stay
The silence I knew had to be broken
but I couldn't do it, I was to heartbroken.
Then when I told Mum I was going to die
She wanted to form some tears in her eye
if she had loved me or even showed she cared
maybe then I could have been repaired.
She never loved me, She never cared
She left me alone frightened and scared
She watched, llistened and she knew
and yet to her abuse was taboo.
so now the demons that held me for so long in their grasp
the good old Lord decided to take me at last.
so now you can think about me in your head
Because when you read this I will be dead
The day is monday, the day I was conceived
the day and month was when I was due
28 years ago, I should have been born
yet 10 days later I entered the world.
Goodbye and fairwell my friend
i loved you all from the start to the end
Be strong, be kind, and never look to far behind
always live for your own peace of mind.
I just want the feelings to ease, the thoughts to stop..
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Lost you need to get the guilt out of your body or it will win over you.Doesn't matter who you talk to but do talk to somebody and start over...The dwelling won't help...You need to free yourself from the negativity...you need to be able to live freely without demons...
please take care, because we care....
please take care, because we care....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi lostchild - I'm sorry for all the pain you're feeling; however, I'm glad you came back to post again. Having a plan doesn't mean you have to go through with it, okay? Is there any chance you could get yourself admitted to hospital for a few days to get you through this current crisis? Have you spoken to a doctor or other mental health professional about your feelings? Have you tried any medications for your depression? Have you called a crisis line and talked to someone? Does your mom know that you are feeling suicidal? I ask you all these questions because your life is worth saving and there are alternatives to suicide. As long as you are alive there is still hope for you. You may not have much room to think about the pain your suicide may cause others because your own pain is so big right now, but I want to share with you that I have been affected by suicide three times in my life - my father and two brothers - and it f*cked me up worse than anything else, ever. I would have crawled through broken glass to help my loved ones had I known how they were suffering and I can guarantee you there is at least one person in your life who would do the same for you, who would help you in any way possible. I know it's a cliche, lostchild, and I am no way trying to minimize your pain, but it really is true that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please reach out to someone today who can help you get the help you need.
Praying for you.
Praying for you.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((LostChild))) Something we can do to take charge in our lives is remove ourselves from toxic people... even those who are supposed to love us and cherish us.
Outside help - through a social services agency - might be able to direct you to a self-help group that is face to face. When we can SEE with our own eyes, others who have survived events that we believe are no survivable... it gives us strength.
There are those here on this board who have survived childhood physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse... they are not just surviving... they are THRIVING. You can have a life - a very good, satsifying life.
Please believe this is true and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I believe in you... ((hugs))
Outside help - through a social services agency - might be able to direct you to a self-help group that is face to face. When we can SEE with our own eyes, others who have survived events that we believe are no survivable... it gives us strength.
There are those here on this board who have survived childhood physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse... they are not just surviving... they are THRIVING. You can have a life - a very good, satsifying life.
Please believe this is true and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I believe in you... ((hugs))
Determined
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the verge of insanity
Posts: 330
Woah Lost,
What a talent, those words are amazing, they make me sad they make me cry, they make me glad (to be me) they make me think, they make me want to help, they make me angry (not with you) they make me emotional, they make me think......
Gee what power you have.
Pleaae use that power to fight those demons and as for reaching out as I have said pm me anytime, I am not with you I am miles away we will never meet but if sharing your pain can help then please share away. Where you are right now is dark, its black as night but as sre as tick follows tock (sorry to use alcohol analogy - guiness advert) light follows dark. And without the deepest darkest night we cannot appreciate the beautiful sunrise.
I and so many others want to help you lost, please let us. What is there to lose?
Sending you hugs hope and love
CW
What a talent, those words are amazing, they make me sad they make me cry, they make me glad (to be me) they make me think, they make me want to help, they make me angry (not with you) they make me emotional, they make me think......
Gee what power you have.
Pleaae use that power to fight those demons and as for reaching out as I have said pm me anytime, I am not with you I am miles away we will never meet but if sharing your pain can help then please share away. Where you are right now is dark, its black as night but as sre as tick follows tock (sorry to use alcohol analogy - guiness advert) light follows dark. And without the deepest darkest night we cannot appreciate the beautiful sunrise.
I and so many others want to help you lost, please let us. What is there to lose?
Sending you hugs hope and love
CW
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
what wolfy said!!!
ya know? You are a very good writer and I've just forgot to mention it. Why not write a book and publish it? You would do so good in that field! You can play out your plans, only in a book, make money, be alive and possibly lose the demons by writing it out?? Please dont hurt yourself, I for 1, need you here.
ya know? You are a very good writer and I've just forgot to mention it. Why not write a book and publish it? You would do so good in that field! You can play out your plans, only in a book, make money, be alive and possibly lose the demons by writing it out?? Please dont hurt yourself, I for 1, need you here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
i'm struggling, i've takrn more thrn i should, i just want my mum to love me. is that so bad.. please its wieerd cause i need a mum. i want a mum. pleasecan u talk to me, and not be mad
tangled up in blue
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
I think you're scared to die because you know that you have something to live for. (((Hugs))). We're here for you lost_child. Is there any way that you could get rid of the pills? I really think you have such potential and that the future is a very bright thing for you.
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