scared
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
I am so sorry that you are so caught up in the disease! I want you to know that nothing is worth dieing over. I for one have been there. I wanted death more than life! However something happened a year ago my friend, I found people who understood me and people who loved me for me.
I found this here at SR and in the rooms of NA. We are here and You can always email me if you need to talk. I hope my friend that you reach out to someone there with some professional status and get the help that you deserve. You are worth living and being loved. Everyone is.
With Love and Respect
Vic
I found this here at SR and in the rooms of NA. We are here and You can always email me if you need to talk. I hope my friend that you reach out to someone there with some professional status and get the help that you deserve. You are worth living and being loved. Everyone is.
With Love and Respect
Vic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
I'm sorry. I wish that those demons would go away, would ease and let me live in peace, let me try and get a new life. I want to start again, I want the past to be where it belongs left in the past, yet everyday its with me in my present. I can't seem to get rid of the negative feelins. I need to break the silence, I have to break the silence or the destruction will continue I know. I just don't know where to start. I feel as though all the time I live behind my own fears, the pain will end up killing me. I know right here and now, that when i get really low I will take everything that I can get my hands on I'm living on a tight rope, and it takes just one false move and I fall and then its over.
I'm really sorry, Thank you for ur support and understanding. I really do appreicate it, thank u.
I'm really sorry, Thank you for ur support and understanding. I really do appreicate it, thank u.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
All i can say is that it's worth the fight.Life is all we know...we are not sure what's on the other side but on this one there is love, there is nature, beauty, arts, professional achievements and again love.
take care
take care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Lost
My mother didn't love me either. That is something hard to bear. I would give anything for just seeing what it is like. Half an hour of a real mother's love. I yearn for it.
When I stopped drinking, it came crushing in on me. All I could do was curl up in a ball on the floor and rock.
I understand. You are not alone.
As I go to counselling and talk things through, I am learning to nurture myself. We can mother ourselves. It may sound silly right now but it's true. It can happen.
When you learn to do that, you need never be scared again.
Accepting myself as an alcoholic has helped me to learn acceptance in other areas. I have to accept that my mother may never love me and wants to hurt me. I stay away from the pain of that. She is not welcome to keep hurting me. That is what I learnt to do when I started to love myself. I stopped hoping she would give me what I always craved - 43 years into my life.
I have a long way to go but I can see now that it need not ruin my life.
When it comes, it can happen quite fast.
I want you to have some hope.
Someone once wrote to me - when you are walking through hell - don't stop.
I spent so long trying to cover up the intense pain. Now I can't cover it up. This is something we have to go through in order to live a happy life. It will be different and way better.
Keep going Lost. We are here to light your way.
I am praying for you to find some peace.
My mother didn't love me either. That is something hard to bear. I would give anything for just seeing what it is like. Half an hour of a real mother's love. I yearn for it.
When I stopped drinking, it came crushing in on me. All I could do was curl up in a ball on the floor and rock.
I understand. You are not alone.
As I go to counselling and talk things through, I am learning to nurture myself. We can mother ourselves. It may sound silly right now but it's true. It can happen.
When you learn to do that, you need never be scared again.
Accepting myself as an alcoholic has helped me to learn acceptance in other areas. I have to accept that my mother may never love me and wants to hurt me. I stay away from the pain of that. She is not welcome to keep hurting me. That is what I learnt to do when I started to love myself. I stopped hoping she would give me what I always craved - 43 years into my life.
I have a long way to go but I can see now that it need not ruin my life.
When it comes, it can happen quite fast.
I want you to have some hope.
Someone once wrote to me - when you are walking through hell - don't stop.
I spent so long trying to cover up the intense pain. Now I can't cover it up. This is something we have to go through in order to live a happy life. It will be different and way better.
Keep going Lost. We are here to light your way.
I am praying for you to find some peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
I have read the links and information that CW gave to me. I will read them again and seek advice I do appreicate all the support.
My counsellor says I've started to open up recentely, but I still haven't been able to talk about the real issues, more why I've not been able to speak. My mum is able to love and care for my sisters and brother and yet she can't me that makes it more difficult to accept because she is able to do it, just not to me. I know it stems from the physical abuse my old man done to them, but he excluded me and never once hit me he sa me, but never hit me.They blame me for it all. Sorry I can't continue. I just don't understand why it hurts so much sorry.
My counsellor says I've started to open up recentely, but I still haven't been able to talk about the real issues, more why I've not been able to speak. My mum is able to love and care for my sisters and brother and yet she can't me that makes it more difficult to accept because she is able to do it, just not to me. I know it stems from the physical abuse my old man done to them, but he excluded me and never once hit me he sa me, but never hit me.They blame me for it all. Sorry I can't continue. I just don't understand why it hurts so much sorry.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
My mother loved my sister. She bonded with her as a child but it went wrong with me. Our family problems have always been blamed on me too.
This is not your fault. You haven't done anything to deserve this.
When you were born you were perfect.
You may be experiencing the reactions of a baby. They can feel completely out of control. IO Storm wrote me a post about it that really helped me.
Would you like me to find it and copy it here for you?
This is not your fault. You haven't done anything to deserve this.
When you were born you were perfect.
You may be experiencing the reactions of a baby. They can feel completely out of control. IO Storm wrote me a post about it that really helped me.
Would you like me to find it and copy it here for you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
Yes please Steph, Sorry to be a pain.
I'm not the eldest or youngest, I'm the middle child, well the 3rd of 4 so I don't really understand why she couldn't be there for me. She used to tuck the others into bed but not me, she wouldn't even read a book to me yet she could to them. i know its just trivia stuff but it hurts I never felt a connection with her, or anyone.
I'm not the eldest or youngest, I'm the middle child, well the 3rd of 4 so I don't really understand why she couldn't be there for me. She used to tuck the others into bed but not me, she wouldn't even read a book to me yet she could to them. i know its just trivia stuff but it hurts I never felt a connection with her, or anyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hey Lost! You are not a pain. When I do this, it helps me stay sober so thank you.
I fell asleep. It's 7am here now. Here is the quote. It came from my thread with the same title as yours = scared. IO Storm wrote it and it helped me heaps. Insert Lost where Steph is written.
Steph:
Last year before I took medical leave as a social worker
for Children and Families, I attended a training on
Abandonment/Bonding in early childhood. I am sure
your therapist has explained all this... I was so excited
about this particular newer view...that very young children
aged 1-5 and were not able to bond with their mother
(or)... loving consistent stable caretaker..during the
critical age..have a lifelong chemical "longing" that is
not resolved. When the caretaker leaves...the baby cries
because as you know..they think the person is gone
forever. A chemical reaction begins...caretaker returns..
the chemicals quiet down..and baby is soothed.
Now, when there is prolonged absence, abuse, or
inconsistency in care providers the child is in an almost
constant state of arousal...longing...and the chemical state
is "set" in layman's terms. The baby will not be soothed,
and everyone has left them.
Steph: You sweet soul...you are not crazy, and you are
not psychotic in feeling these feelings...you were
conditioned as a very young child that youwould be alone
forever.
Maybe you can talk to your therapist about how to go about
changing this chemical state. I am biploar...I take
medication.. but I still must work diligently each day..
on letting go of...fear..my great enemy. I have tools
I use to (help) my medications...breathing, imagery
work well for me.
However, the most critical thing I do for my sanity is repeating
Steps 1,2, and 3, depending on a Higher power to help me.
For me sobriety comes first. Has to, or this is no me.
Hope some of this helps, Steph.
Your good friend,
Sherry
I fell asleep. It's 7am here now. Here is the quote. It came from my thread with the same title as yours = scared. IO Storm wrote it and it helped me heaps. Insert Lost where Steph is written.
Steph:
Last year before I took medical leave as a social worker
for Children and Families, I attended a training on
Abandonment/Bonding in early childhood. I am sure
your therapist has explained all this... I was so excited
about this particular newer view...that very young children
aged 1-5 and were not able to bond with their mother
(or)... loving consistent stable caretaker..during the
critical age..have a lifelong chemical "longing" that is
not resolved. When the caretaker leaves...the baby cries
because as you know..they think the person is gone
forever. A chemical reaction begins...caretaker returns..
the chemicals quiet down..and baby is soothed.
Now, when there is prolonged absence, abuse, or
inconsistency in care providers the child is in an almost
constant state of arousal...longing...and the chemical state
is "set" in layman's terms. The baby will not be soothed,
and everyone has left them.
Steph: You sweet soul...you are not crazy, and you are
not psychotic in feeling these feelings...you were
conditioned as a very young child that youwould be alone
forever.
Maybe you can talk to your therapist about how to go about
changing this chemical state. I am biploar...I take
medication.. but I still must work diligently each day..
on letting go of...fear..my great enemy. I have tools
I use to (help) my medications...breathing, imagery
work well for me.
However, the most critical thing I do for my sanity is repeating
Steps 1,2, and 3, depending on a Higher power to help me.
For me sobriety comes first. Has to, or this is no me.
Hope some of this helps, Steph.
Your good friend,
Sherry
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