I'm sorry. I need to get this out.
tangled up in blue
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
I'm sorry. I need to get this out.
I really am at the end of my rope. Even when I'm sober, it's like I have nothing left. It feels like everyone is gone from my life. I used to be a very kind person but I've changed that. I've been hurt so many times in my life. I just wanted to be able to trust people, but I realize I can't do that anymore. And no amount of drinking or not drinking is going to solve that. I'm sorry, it's just doesn't it all ever seem so desperate to you? I really don't have much of anything left. I have few friends, if any genuine ones. I have no money. I don't have a college degree. When I start my job, it will be minimum wage and I can't change that. I have the scars left from people that have been abusive to me. I know I'm being very personal right now, but it's just because I feel I have nothing left to lose. I used to think I had so much, but I lost it all. I've pushed everyone away. And everyone that was a friend was just a fraud. Even when I'm sober, it's still the same emptiness. I know I need to change things, but even when I do change things, I'm still in the same situation as before.
Without going into too much detail, I'm tired of dealing with the abuse people have left me. I'm so tired of being used. I'm sick of people in my real life caring and then hurting me and then leaving. I'm really tired of this pain. I have nothing left to lose. I've told my parents so many times that I need help and that I'm depressed. I've told them that I thought about ending everything. I don't know how to get the help that I need. Don't worry; this isn't me saying I'm going to attempt to end it all, because I'm not going to right now. I don't want to leave such a pathetic legacy behind. But, I really just don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand the minutes in the day anymore. It's no longer getting through hour to hour, it's second by second. I'm going to go for a drive and clear my head a bit. Thank you for reading. I know this sounds desperate, but I generally have a lot to say when I reach this place.
Without going into too much detail, I'm tired of dealing with the abuse people have left me. I'm so tired of being used. I'm sick of people in my real life caring and then hurting me and then leaving. I'm really tired of this pain. I have nothing left to lose. I've told my parents so many times that I need help and that I'm depressed. I've told them that I thought about ending everything. I don't know how to get the help that I need. Don't worry; this isn't me saying I'm going to attempt to end it all, because I'm not going to right now. I don't want to leave such a pathetic legacy behind. But, I really just don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand the minutes in the day anymore. It's no longer getting through hour to hour, it's second by second. I'm going to go for a drive and clear my head a bit. Thank you for reading. I know this sounds desperate, but I generally have a lot to say when I reach this place.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
That's a familiar place, alright. Have a...
You've wrapped up all the feelings in my 4½ years of sobriety. It all seems so totally pointless sometimes, but I keep trudging onward. I continue even when I don't want to ... I can't stop.
You've wrapped up all the feelings in my 4½ years of sobriety. It all seems so totally pointless sometimes, but I keep trudging onward. I continue even when I don't want to ... I can't stop.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Hi.
First of all, a big ((((Hug))) to you. Sounds like you could use one.
I too wonder how I will ever heal from the wreckage of my past. But, looking back to the "me" I was 18 months ago, when I was still drinking... there is a HUGE difference.
I am fortunate in that the career I had lost came back to me better than before. But this did not happen for over a year. Along the way I had lots of frustration and rejection.
It seems tough to solve it all at once, overwhelming. I treated myself and others so badly over the years that I need to learn to be kind again. To love. I knew how when I was a child, all children do. But I was fairly traumatizied by a family where both parents were alcoholic and a series of abusive relationships. That was all I knew. How do I heal? I don't know. However, I do have friends in the program I trust. I love myself, today.
My favorite color used to be black. Remember that Morrissey song, "I wear black on the outside, cos black is how I feel on the inside"? That was me. I would never wear any other color. Now I am remembering how much I loved purple and green, as a very little girl, and I want to do some art in those colors. I just bought myself a handbag that has those colors. Guess what, this amazing woman I met in recovery (with 22 years!) invited me over to her house... it is ALL PURPLE AND GREEN AND RED, just beautiful colors. Amazing bold beaded sculptures, shiny and iridescent. I want to be like her someday.
I don't know if I will ever be Little Miss Pink Twin Set but I don't see the world as dark anymore. Eve in the hopeless situations I have tools now other than a drink. 18 months ago all I would do is drink over it.
I do know that there is no problem so bad, a drink can't make it worse.
I just wanted to send you some love and encouragement. I may not have made any sense at all but please know I care. xo
First of all, a big ((((Hug))) to you. Sounds like you could use one.
I too wonder how I will ever heal from the wreckage of my past. But, looking back to the "me" I was 18 months ago, when I was still drinking... there is a HUGE difference.
I am fortunate in that the career I had lost came back to me better than before. But this did not happen for over a year. Along the way I had lots of frustration and rejection.
It seems tough to solve it all at once, overwhelming. I treated myself and others so badly over the years that I need to learn to be kind again. To love. I knew how when I was a child, all children do. But I was fairly traumatizied by a family where both parents were alcoholic and a series of abusive relationships. That was all I knew. How do I heal? I don't know. However, I do have friends in the program I trust. I love myself, today.
My favorite color used to be black. Remember that Morrissey song, "I wear black on the outside, cos black is how I feel on the inside"? That was me. I would never wear any other color. Now I am remembering how much I loved purple and green, as a very little girl, and I want to do some art in those colors. I just bought myself a handbag that has those colors. Guess what, this amazing woman I met in recovery (with 22 years!) invited me over to her house... it is ALL PURPLE AND GREEN AND RED, just beautiful colors. Amazing bold beaded sculptures, shiny and iridescent. I want to be like her someday.
I don't know if I will ever be Little Miss Pink Twin Set but I don't see the world as dark anymore. Eve in the hopeless situations I have tools now other than a drink. 18 months ago all I would do is drink over it.
I do know that there is no problem so bad, a drink can't make it worse.
I just wanted to send you some love and encouragement. I may not have made any sense at all but please know I care. xo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
You are worth more than you know! Try to talk to your parents again, if they wont listen, find someone you trust and respect. Depression is easily treated and can make the world of difference in your life. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.
You're in my prayers,
susan
You're in my prayers,
susan
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
btob,
I think you did the first right thing by sharing how you feel. That honesty takes courage and also opens the door for you to find a better way.
I'm from the codie side of this disease of addiction/alcoholism, and it's amazing the many similarities that people on both sides face.
One thing that helps me get through my many ups and downs is to remember that 'this too will pass' and over many years this has always proved to be true for me.
I don't know you or much about your plan of recovery but I came to a place where I had to learn to set boundaries and make better choices about relationships in my life. It took reading, meetings, some counseling and coming here to unlearn and relearn better ways to live and interact with people. I have had to learn to take better care of myself and insist that others treat me with respect and proper consideration.
You deserve so much better than the things you have described in your post. I hope you will continue to stay close with people who care and can help you.
I'm no expert on the phases of recovery but my son who is an addict in recovery tells me that his drug use was just the symptom and that his disease is biological, social and physiological.
There are so many great people who have lived through what you are facing and I believe that they will be able to walk with you through this time of trouble.
hugs,
cmc
I think you did the first right thing by sharing how you feel. That honesty takes courage and also opens the door for you to find a better way.
I'm from the codie side of this disease of addiction/alcoholism, and it's amazing the many similarities that people on both sides face.
One thing that helps me get through my many ups and downs is to remember that 'this too will pass' and over many years this has always proved to be true for me.
I don't know you or much about your plan of recovery but I came to a place where I had to learn to set boundaries and make better choices about relationships in my life. It took reading, meetings, some counseling and coming here to unlearn and relearn better ways to live and interact with people. I have had to learn to take better care of myself and insist that others treat me with respect and proper consideration.
You deserve so much better than the things you have described in your post. I hope you will continue to stay close with people who care and can help you.
I'm no expert on the phases of recovery but my son who is an addict in recovery tells me that his drug use was just the symptom and that his disease is biological, social and physiological.
There are so many great people who have lived through what you are facing and I believe that they will be able to walk with you through this time of trouble.
hugs,
cmc
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
B2B
Been there , done that.
almost there..B2B...almost there.
Sometime it's darkest before light.
I felt I traveled to the edge of my mind
as if i was going out of my mind
For I no longer had hope.
I was beyound depair. I felt lost and alone.
there lay a door in front of me, for I could not reach it.
Broken I was broken. not that I didn't have the will to do so
but I just couldn't do it.
I scream and shout but there was nothing nothing at all.
I cried all my tears until there was no more tears to cry.
I became tire of it all. nothing I did matter right or wrong it didn't matter.
I gave up everything, I gave up the fight.
I became still and surrender, I surrender it all.
for a while, just for a while there was nothing.
then everything stepped in, I felt more love than I could ever imagine.
Been there , done that.
almost there..B2B...almost there.
Sometime it's darkest before light.
I felt I traveled to the edge of my mind
as if i was going out of my mind
For I no longer had hope.
I was beyound depair. I felt lost and alone.
there lay a door in front of me, for I could not reach it.
Broken I was broken. not that I didn't have the will to do so
but I just couldn't do it.
I scream and shout but there was nothing nothing at all.
I cried all my tears until there was no more tears to cry.
I became tire of it all. nothing I did matter right or wrong it didn't matter.
I gave up everything, I gave up the fight.
I became still and surrender, I surrender it all.
for a while, just for a while there was nothing.
then everything stepped in, I felt more love than I could ever imagine.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
B2B...
I had to come to the end...of myself.
I tried to do away with myself....not knowing that I was so close.....so close to a
miracle.
My Higher Power protected me through two car crashes that totalled three vehicles..
An overdose of benzo's in a blackout...
Cutting my wrist in a blackout...
And countless nights driving drunk in in miserable blackout drunks...sometimes
awakening and getting into my car finding the gas tank empty .... not recalling
driving the night before....it was insane to relapse but I tried to run from the
pain by relapsing over and over.
Then..the miracle happened to me.
The same force that protected me is watching you and reaching out to you whether
you "feel" it or not.
It happened for me as it happened for SaTit...
I surrendered..and Love stepped in.
And has not let me go.
I pray the same for you.
Love,
IO
I had to come to the end...of myself.
I tried to do away with myself....not knowing that I was so close.....so close to a
miracle.
My Higher Power protected me through two car crashes that totalled three vehicles..
An overdose of benzo's in a blackout...
Cutting my wrist in a blackout...
And countless nights driving drunk in in miserable blackout drunks...sometimes
awakening and getting into my car finding the gas tank empty .... not recalling
driving the night before....it was insane to relapse but I tried to run from the
pain by relapsing over and over.
Then..the miracle happened to me.
The same force that protected me is watching you and reaching out to you whether
you "feel" it or not.
It happened for me as it happened for SaTit...
I surrendered..and Love stepped in.
And has not let me go.
I pray the same for you.
Love,
IO
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 48
If you do go to an inpatient facility, try to find one that is reputable. I got lucky in the sense that I stumbled across one of the better ones. I heard all kinds of horror stories about what the bad ones are like, so make sure it's the right program for you.
Best of luck.
Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: cdale, Mississippi
Posts: 6
That sounds so familiar to my life. It seems its so easy to grab some alcohol and makes you so happy and you can forget how crappy everything has gotton. Alcohol has ruined my life from duis to getting me kicked out of college. I feel I might as well let what has killed my life go ahead and kill me. I wonder sometimes where would I be if I had never met this stuff?
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I cant say anyone has hurt me except me. But you are right. When it is all said and done. Sober or not. The damage is done. But thats where you need to learn to take pride in the simple things. Drinking definately isnt helping the situation. Ok on to the next step. Let go sweety. Time to move forward and make it where there is something left in the wake.
We all have to start somewhere. And if your like me. Thats all the time.
Minimum wage sux. But you know what. It is better than zero. And it is a start. What are your parents doing when you tell them these things?
If that is you in the pic..You are a beautiful girl. And I can tell by the posts you have made in my moments of weakness that you have something special in you.
You need to find it and let go of the past. You will never get where you need to go looking in the rearview. Thats a wreck waiting to happen.
Youll be ok. You have us. But you need to find what works for you. Depression is not something to take lightly and I would hope your parents are listening to you.
We all have to start somewhere. And if your like me. Thats all the time.
Minimum wage sux. But you know what. It is better than zero. And it is a start. What are your parents doing when you tell them these things?
If that is you in the pic..You are a beautiful girl. And I can tell by the posts you have made in my moments of weakness that you have something special in you.
You need to find it and let go of the past. You will never get where you need to go looking in the rearview. Thats a wreck waiting to happen.
Youll be ok. You have us. But you need to find what works for you. Depression is not something to take lightly and I would hope your parents are listening to you.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
B2B i think not only not to leave a bad legacy but also so you can know all that you can be. There are no impossible things when sober. I believe that, maybe i am crazy...So if one day you choose to go back to college why can't you?Your drive will let you do anything with your life....You can do anything....My mom graduated after 40 in a college filled with 18 year old kids....And the pain, ahhh, it's grueling, the fact that people don't get it....I mean..i decided not to go to this concert and people don't get it....i'm like this now: I am doing this for me, who ever loves me after my recovery count on me, but i am not gonna dwell on the past. You know what i do now? Every time i start feeling guilty, i start thinking about the future...i start planing..writing down what i can do...and i pray...
I know it's hard realizing the driving force in this is our decision and that distances us from a lot of people.But who loves you will love you.My Dad won't love me in every struggle.It hurts.I can't count on him.He will support those who are against me....It's ok.It's not right but it's ok.Because i love me!
And i am seeing you are digging....I am confident you will find a degree you love and one day, soon, you will get back to it.I quit college when i was 19.I am back now and i can tell you that the best thing i've learned there is how to think, how to make a logic deduction of knowledge...
Take care....
I know it's hard realizing the driving force in this is our decision and that distances us from a lot of people.But who loves you will love you.My Dad won't love me in every struggle.It hurts.I can't count on him.He will support those who are against me....It's ok.It's not right but it's ok.Because i love me!
And i am seeing you are digging....I am confident you will find a degree you love and one day, soon, you will get back to it.I quit college when i was 19.I am back now and i can tell you that the best thing i've learned there is how to think, how to make a logic deduction of knowledge...
Take care....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
hugs of all hugs xX... 
for me, the blame game is over... what worked is accepting, and being accoutable for me...
its my recovery, my life, and my future...
someone the other day said to another.. i'm awfull sorry, i just cant be around negativity...
to a degree, i'm the same way... not at the fully tell it like it is stage yet, or never may be... ut oh, projection... a no no...
xxoo & blessings xX
for me, the blame game is over... what worked is accepting, and being accoutable for me...
its my recovery, my life, and my future...
someone the other day said to another.. i'm awfull sorry, i just cant be around negativity...
to a degree, i'm the same way... not at the fully tell it like it is stage yet, or never may be... ut oh, projection... a no no...
xxoo & blessings xX
tangled up in blue
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
Thanks for all the support. It really, really helped me immensely last night. I can't stress that enough. You all are so kind. I looked up info about inpatient today and even if I wanted to do it, it's way too expensive. That's a little bit frustrating but I expected as much...isn't it kind of ridiculous how expensive these programs are?? I don't always feel the way that I felt when I posted this post, but it seems like every day, one minute I'll be feeling fine and then the next minute I'll convince myself that I ruined my life. It's really strange. It's never a calm mood.
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