mimi54321

Or seems to be. I need to talk out loud for a bit.

I started a new job, split up with my addict boyfriend, had to move out, I move into a new flat tomorrow.

I have very mixed feelings. Sadness and relief.

I miss him but I don't miss everything he comes with. I have such extreme emotions about myself, I either feel totally in control, no-one messes, I get what I want (generally at work), and then there is the scared, insecure me that wants to get trashed and out of it so she doesn't have to think.

So, I got leathered tonight. Boredom and cos I had a few drinks on my own. How the hell am I going to cope living on my own?

M

Alive

I have to see the positive....I wish i could start over and move in alone at the same time.A brand new start, a brand new life, with mistakes turned into wisdom.You have an awesome chance Mimi....Scared...i know...but you can so do this.....I found out one thing today..Sometimes i am scared to be happy....because i am not used to it...Please don't be scared...fears only exist to be turned into courage and then in victory...

take care

p.s: it does get consistent. in the sense everything falls into place.You already took the first step...

Anna

Hi Mimi,

Change is always hard and I know I always resist any kind of change in my life. But, growth comes out of change. You can get used to living on your own, but don't feel like you have to work it all out and cope with everything right now. Just take it slow and do what you need to do.

CarolD

You are wise to dump the toxic man.
Kudos to you!

I know you will settle in your more positive
lifestyle quickly and thrive...

Mega Hugs

Change4life

mimi, change is hard because we all fear the unknown.

I bet in a few weeks or even days you will be asking yourself why you ever worried about how you would be able to cope living on your own.

SaTiT

It is the most natural thing in the world to have emotional roller coasters.
it hust becuase you care...you are aware enough to know that it's
unhealthy..All I know is everytime i go through a break up ..my ass falls off,
unhealhty or not. All of my freind arss falls off when they go through
a break up.

Drinking and using never took away my pain. All it did was cuased
more chaos...ultimately, I had to embrace that pain. Today or ten
years from now..I embrace my pain..No, i don't not enjoy pain, but
the sooner i face it, the sooner i can get past it

well..you can look on the bright side...
you can kill two birds in one stone of how in the hell are you going to live
without your BF and alcohol

By finding yourself...well, that's how i did it..

mimi54321

Thanks guys.

I feel like a broken record sometimes.

Still drinking/using but at least I know I should stop. Is that ok?

M x

SaTiT

I don't know....

it's not okay from me..becuase i get freaken crazy when i drink and use.lol

mimi54321

Hey ST

I mean, it is a good thing that at least I acknowledge that I should stop both. I'm also addicted to a million prescription drugs too.

How the hell did I get into this state?

Anna

Acknowledging that you have an addiction is a good first step. If you live in denial, it's going to be really hard to get better. The next step is to take action and take the first step towards stopping drinking and taking drugs. Have you talked to your dr and gotten his advice?

nogard

glad your here and talking about recovery mimi.

Kevin

mimi54321

I've been in and out of rehab over the last couple of years. I have chronic depression (probably made 10x worse by booze and drugs).

I speak to my doctor a lot as I tried to kill myself again a few weeks ago.

So I've detoxed 3x in the last 2 years, stopped everything, determined to sort things out. But I was treated like an outsider by my (ex)boyfriend if I tried to not get totally trashed.

Hey!! Thanks for the support darling. (I'm being sarcastic)

What a d*ck, but then again his d*ck wasn't something to brag about.

Sorry just had to let it out.

Mx

serina

Mimi, good for you for getting out of that relationship. I have decided to put aside relationships right now until I get straightened out myself. i dont' attract the right kind of person. and I'm tired of piling up ex-boyfriends and baggage....unfortuately I do get lonely and suffer from depression too so I know how you feel. I trying to find the courage to reach out and make some friends - hopefully some women in recovey. i don't make friends easily b/c I don't like to open up to people but i'm working towards that with counseling. do you go to any support groups? i'm looking for something now. i missed the women's meeting this past week...maybe next week. its even harder when you feel depressed to put yourself out there. i have thougth my depression and lonliness would be better if I found a relationship but I have come to the conclusion that no one can make me feel good about myself i need to work on some things myself first. and then i will attract the right person. i know i have been lonely inside relationships just as much as on my own. boy i am a slow learner. however, i have a strong desire to make some meaningful female friendships where I can really share and discover who i am. i know AA would be a good place for me to start that process i just feel so scared and vulnerable to go to a meeting when i haven't been to one in years. good luck with your new beginning.

SaTiT

it didn't happened over night...just build up from years and years.
Plus it just seem like it was the normal thing to do..

well..of course your BF would treat like crap or an outside..you didn't
want to live that life anymore, so he kind of drag you down too.
It was easier to slip back into your comfort zone...that's all.
Plus you knew how to function in chaos...
Kind of like a job a had..very stressful , very chaotic..but I prefromed great in it.lol
You been living like that for so long you actaully forgot you can live
without him or drugs...Well, you did it as a child or as a kid before
drugs and boys come into the picture..so it's not impossiable or you
havn't done it before..you just forgot..That's how it was for me.
i simply had to find that kid/person inside of me and start loving him again.
I found a picture of me when I was a kid...he had a great smile on him
and was full of life.

anyway..getting clean and sober is like going against the grain.
Oh..there's plenty of fish in the sea. Your self esteme is just a bit
low at the moment.

IO Storm

Mimi...

I relapsed over a broken relationship three years ago...it went on and on...

I tired to kill myself too. More pain for everyone..mostly for me. The reason

we do it? It hurts like hell to lose someone. It makes us so freaken angry that we

are not cherished...but Mimi..you see that shows us that there IS something inside

of us no matter how sick we are that says.."I AM worthy of a happy relationship".

Serina hit it right on the head here...

I have come to the conclusion that no one can make me feel good about myself i need to work on some things myself first. and then i will attract the right person.

Wise wise words Serina..I am so glad to see you are still here and workin' it!

Mimi..it does not seem possible to right now...but "this too shall pass".

Put yourself and your recovery first and watch the "good stuff" start coming

to you.

Your sister in recovery..

Love,

IO

Dee74

Boredom was always a killer for me, Mimi...these days, I try and keep busy...some days it feels like I'd go to the opening of an envelope ...

but seriously keep busy at home too, cos you can't avoid being at home alone sometimes, so best to deal with it...I read, cook, play music, surf this thing, watch a DVD, or TV if there's anything on...whatever it takes really....if you have anything you're interested in, or were interested in hobbywise, get back into it.

D

indigo

It will get easier, when I left an abusive relationship, I found I had nothing to hole onto except my sorrow, I have since learned that it just wasn't worth being around this toxic person. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

indigo