denny

Hello, I am usually on the friends and family boards, but i wanted to pop in and ask a question.Hope ya'll don't mind. My AH and I have been living apart for 2 weeks now due to the fact i finally stuck to a boundry with his binge drinking. we have 2 young children, and he really wants to come back home.he admits now that he has a problem, is going to a counselor,hasn't drank since,i has apologized for past wrongs.
we have had this problem of alcohol in our marriage for 15 years, i want to trust what he says, he seems so sincere, and IS doing everything i asked of him,and says he working on himself, and staying sober.he is irriatated that i wont let him come back home yet,but i don't know when i can trust him to do what he says....so many lies and promises in the past,but he acts like he "gets it".
i know that nobody has the answers, but any suggestions from people in recovery regarding how long does he need to prove himself? what signs say he's not ready,etc.
I am in Al-Anon, he is going to go to AA when his counselor gets him the list of our areas meetings.
I appreciate any advice!!! Thanks!

CarolD

Well...
There is just no specific time line to recovery.

I see the fact that both of you are worling towards
healing as very positive.

Hugs and Prayers for you and your family

SaTiT

Recovery is a life time committment. I dosen't happen over night.
so lower your exectations. He will go through emotional roller coasters.
an out burst here and there..but not all the damn time or everyday.

easy dose it...but do it.

Just not drinking is a start, the trick is to stay stop.
I had to educate myself to the disease of alcoholism.
How it effects me and why it effects me
Wheather i accepted or not, or whatever my hung up are.

The heck with that...he can get the list himself if he's seriouse
about getting sober... hang ups ?
He dosen't need to be told to go to a meetimg by his conselor.
His conselor probably already told him to go..he needs to do the
foot work instead of making excuses.

If he can spend mony on beer..he can buy a big book ..it's only $5
If he dosn't have any problem asking the liquor store clerk to help him
get a bollte of booze..He sure the heck shouldn't have any hang ups
on asking for a sponsor, for help.

I did over 250 meetings in 90 days..I hit bottom and lost everything.
But most people do the 90 in 90..a lot of people still go to meetings
everyday after years and decades of recovery.
gizzz..i don't know...I probably have thousands and thousands of
hours of meetings.

prove himself. ??..nope...he has to do for himself first.
a good relationship with you is just a by product.

Get a meeting schedule. You don't need to go
check up on him...but he shouldn't be sitting at home when there's a meeting.

the book...well if he's reading it..you'll see it in veriouse places from
time to time instead of in the bottom of the draws.
if he's working his program...then he's writing 10-15 mins a night at the least.

barb dwyer

Speaking as an alcoholic who's never had a relationship 'work out' ... my advice (worthless as it may be - heh) is to stick to your Al Anon steps and program, speak with your own sponsor, and follow your own guidance as it develops within your own program. Develop your relationship with your own HP first and formost, then follow that guidance explicitly.

We alcoholics are each unique individuals yet at the same time, we share the same disease ... recovery isn't a race. If it works, it has to be real.

denny

Thanks for the replys, guess I am just wondering since he is still sober after 2 weeks, when to let him back in the house, and we work on it from there.

Spiritual Seeker

You've been married 15 yrs. Two weeks sober is not very long.

mtnmagic

Hi Denny. I am in recovery myself and am also a mom of addicted son. Throw in Co dependent, having parents that were alcoholic and well, you get the idea.

Just some of my thoughts, based on my experience with alcoholism and substance abuse.

You have been dealing with this for 15 years. It is going to take awhile, IMHO to sort this out. Two weeks is teetering on the edge of whatever change may be. I can understand your frustration trying to figure out what is what.

I noted that your husband "wants" to go to AA. Well that is wonderful. My thought would be to step back and watch what happens if he goes. And how about you? How are you getting some support to help you?

Pilgrim

What does his sponsor say? Decisions like this are best referred to my sponsor or HP so early in my recovery. I have been told that changes like moving back in together with my ABF can lead to drama/strong emotions and that are best avoided for a time. It sounds like you are both on a good road today and today is what matters.

Imagine two parcels with two outcomes. One parcel is he moves back in tomorrow and one parcel is that you guys wait a bit longer getting more trust back first. You are only allowed one parcel to open. Then imagine you are given the first parcel.

If you wish you had received the second one instead then there's your answer.

You have to do all that imagining during a quiet time when the children are asleep.

hope3

Hi denny, I'm Hope3 and I am a recovering alcoholic.. The 28th will

mark my 6th month of sobriety. I don't know what would be right for

you two, I am with my partner of 18 years. We don't have children, so our household is allot different than yours...

We stayed in separate bed rooms for a couple of weeks, mutual feelings...

I felt she needed a break from me, and well, I was a basket case crying half the
time anyway....

We share our recoveries, we talk about what we learn about alcoholism and our emotions and discoveries of how we feel about what we learned..

I agree with Pilgram, that maybe his sponser and/or counselor could help him with
the thoughts of moving back..

Maybe your sponser could help you with the altimate decision of what would be right for you, him moving back in or not..

It's a life time committment of self awareness and discoveries, but it doesn;t have to be a sad road all the time..I haven't felt so good about myself for a very long time, (but I didn't realize this untill I was sober for about 3 months) and the best by-product of this is my relationship with my partner....we have always loved each other, but the last 4 years I when I progressed into the middle stages of alcoholism she realized I had a problem, things started to go down hill...It took me about 4 years to believe I had a problem...I really didn't think I did..I never lost a job, got a dui, or did anything that was so outrageous, besides blacking out a couple times...so my denial was pretty strong...

I hope your husband really does get it for his sake..I suggest him and you reading Beyond the Influence by Katherine Ketchem...A great resource for information on alcoholism, how it affects the brain and body, as well as much more helpful information...

I wish you and your family health and happiness, and maybe he would like to join here, this site has helped me tremendously..
Don't forget to tend to your recovery as well denny....
love and hope

Hope3

nogard

I agree with the comment about two weeks not being very long, it takes around a year for recoverying addicts/alkies to come out of the fog according to the literature and that was my experience too. Of course there are marked improvments along the way, but two weeks is barely enough to move through the worst physical withdrawals.

How about focus on your recovery and talk to your sponsor and other members before making any decisions.

I wish you all the best denny.

Love Kevin