xXBacktoBlackXx

I am SO mad at myself for relapsing and now I'm back to square one. The anxiety and paranoia is back in full force and I keep thinking about things I could've done while on the drug.

I really think I've ruined a lot of peoples' lives in some way with the things I have said and done while on drugs and while drunk. I don't know how I'll ever make it up to anyone. This stress is back to square one.

GlassPrisoner

Back to square one ?

This is a graphical representation of my cycles when I was still drinking

xXBacktoBlackXx

Thank you for that chart.

I just really feel like I can never live any of this down.

rabye

hey back to black. dont give up. i have read many of your threads, u must have faith in yourself sweetie. be strong dont let it get the best of u.
good luck and pray to god.

Surlyredhead

Well, it sucks that you relapsed, but right now there is nothing to do but try again. You can't change yesterday, but you sure can waste today trying to redo the past. Give yourself a break, you are here right now and not out on a two year bender...never quit quitting!!!!

Cathy

xXBacktoBlackXx

I'm sorry, I'm just realizing all of the stupid things I've done while drunk. I've ruined someone's relationship. I've ruined myself. I've ruined friendships with people. I've interfered with peoples' lives. I can't handle it.

Surlyredhead

You have no choice but to handle it. But you don't have to beat yourself up. Take a deep breath, get some rest and tomorrow things will look a bit brighter. At this point, some clean time will be the best way to start amends to your loved ones.

rabye

u r feeling like this cause you are drunk now. get sober and try one day at a time to stay sober and these awful feelings will go and become positive.

dont give up quitting, we r all here to support u.

SaTiT

B2B...
Just keep coming back...

it ain't working no more..beucase if you feel like sheit when you're buzzing
...it ain't working.

xXBacktoBlackXx

I'm sorry, i don't mean to be dramatic but **** this. I just need to get my thoughts out and im not gonna start a new thread. I used to want so much out of life.

die tryin

You can do this..Its possible...I know it seems hard and so far away,but you can do it.I found myself it the same situation last year on a few differant occations.I thought there was no way my family and friends would accept what I had done.I drove myselgf crazy trying to figure out ways to change everything that had happened and how everyone felt,including me.It was terrible.
I finally realized that I couldn't do nothing about it and tried to focus on changing my ways so it didn't happen again.I reccomend that you try do do the same..Try to focus on things that you can do in the future rather than feeling guilty about the past...Focus on the solution..

Dee74

I'm coming up to 7 weeks sober tomorrow...that's basically the longest I've gone sober for *15* years...yet I tried almost every single week to quit...and I failed again and again, and again.

Yesterday is gone, BtB.
Tomorrow's not here yet.

Today is what matters.

don't give up.

D

rabye

back to black - is the amy winehouse cd worth buying, i saw it yesterday and thought of you. u must love her music. shall i buy it?????????

Rumi

Be dramatic if you need to express yourself. Just say what's on your mind. How have you ruined other people's lives? I think you are being too hard on yourself. perhaps you give yourself too much "credit" for other people's "failures" and your impact...Please elaborate.

rabye

true, stop thinking about what your friends think, i did that two yrs ago, when they discovered howmuch i used, and you know what??? they made me feel so so bad like i was nothing, and cause of that i got worse and sheltered myself away from everyone cause i was made to feel ashamed of myself. I hated them for doing that, and I was right.

Friends and real ones, never make you feel ashamed or bad, addiction is just another problem people have to deal with and its very common and nothing to feel ashamed off.

just count how many meetings are in your area in one day and how many people go and then multiply that by thousands, there you go, the world is full of addicts of many sorts, and its ok, its human nature.

So forget these friends, when u r ready and sober apologise to those that matter, and believe me the others dont matter, cause if theycared they would support you right now and u would have to be writing this thread.

we are all here to listen to u so dont worry and none of us will judge you, u have a chance to start fresh so pls pls take it, and dump the others.

xXBacktoBlackXx

You're right. Thank you for your words. I'm too embarrassed to say the things I've done...=( I'm just ashamed.

And rabye, you should definitely check out "Back to Black", it's the name of Amy Winehouse's second CD. It's amazing. I love it.

Rumi

Please do not think you are the center of everyone's world and therefore you have ruined them, you do not have the power. None of us are/do, we sure could hurt others with our actions however our behavior short of "criminal mayhem" does not ruin anyone's life per se....Believe it or not B2B!!...

xXBacktoBlackXx

Thank you for that Rumi. You're right...I think it's more that I feel really humiliated. But, I think it will pass it just feels so hurtful right now.

Rumi

If you are into poetry, look up Rumi's peoms on the net. They may help you get in touch with your innerself....Poems are always subject to one's intrepretation but I hope they help most of us get to be kind to ourselves first and then to others.

I think they will help you since you have an artistic nature and a creative mind....

http://www.khamush.com/poetry/

Jules62

You know I care about you.

I have huge shame too.We all do.It's okay.

Sending you much love,

Rosexox