Is there no hope for me at all?

Old 05-22-2007, 04:27 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
61'st day sober as of:12/18/07
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Casper, Wyoming U.S.
Posts: 241
Unhappy Is there no hope for me at all?

Hi everyone (sorry this is so long)

I can barely type right now because of lacerations on several of my fingers. I had gone 2 days without drinking but yesterday I was feeling so gloomy, depressed and bored that I decided to have a gin and sprite to "cheer myself up" even though the very thought of drinking repulsed me.

Well, that one drink lead to another one. Then another and another...

After about the 5'th gin and sprite I was so drunk that I ended up cutting myself really bad on a glass light fixture. I was dripping blood all over the place and I was so drunk that I was actually laughing about it and intentionally slinging blood all over the place. At one point I even sucked on my bloody finger in front of my room mate and laughed about that too.

All the while my roommate was screaming for me to get in the car so he could drive me to the emergency room. I refused and continued drinking, laughing and acting completely crazy and out of control. At some point I sat down and tried to eat dinner but became paranoid about the roaches getting into my food (we have a terrible roach problem here) and so when it was all over and done with, I had only taken a few bites and was afraid to eat anymore. The idea that roaches had destroyed my dinner by possibly crawling all over it enraged me and so I went on this big tirade that lasted about 15 minutes. My room mate was kind enough to make me another dinner (God bless him) but by that time I was so drunk and out-of-it that I didn't eat that one either. In fact, after he was nice enough to make me the extra dinner I repaid his kindness by accusing him of "poisoning" me. Why oh why do we always hurt our friends and family?.

At some point I made a phone call to someone I knew and shouted "How can anyone question the authority of our commander in chief?!?!" and then hung up...laughing. I don't know why I did such a stupid thing nor can I even remember who I called. I guess I was just being goofy and repeating something I had heard on TV.

Later, My room mate did end up driving me to the local clinic and a good friend of his who had just gone through liver surgery happened to be there. My room mate introduced me but instead of just shaking his hand and saying "hi" I hugged him (twice) and said a bunch of really stupid things that no doubt made my room mate feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed.

I finally fell asleep and woke up at about 4:00AM this morning with bloody fingers, blood and glass all over the place, my bedroom door and part of the wall chewed up from where my dog became terrified as I was ranting and raving in my drunken state and a HUGE hangover. I felt terrible, guilty, hopeless and ashamed of what I put my room mate through (he's a very good and loyal friend and a victim of my alcoholism and I feel so bad for him).

Anyway, I probably have some of the events mentioned above in the wrong order or backwards because the whole evening was basically a blur. I cleaned up the aftermath from last night as best I could and I'll probably have to go to the clinic again to get stitches and an antibiotic. Why do we do this to ourselves and has anyone else here had a similar experience while they were really drunk?. I hate drinking so much and the collateral damage it causes to relationships. It's driving myself and those around me mad and it's slowly killing me no doubt. I want my life back more than anything but sometimes I feel like it's slowly slipping away from me.

Thanks for listening, Need4Change

Last edited by Need4Change; 05-22-2007 at 04:54 AM.
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Old 05-22-2007, 04:30 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
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I have been there too.Know it is possible to get out of that situation. I know you feel terrible, but the only way is keep trying...What more can i tell you other than sobriety is worth it and that keep trying is positive!And you have a real friend. that is priceless....
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Old 05-22-2007, 04:37 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
There is lots of hope for you. Your honesty and openness will be your strength. I for one think you will make it!!
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Old 05-22-2007, 04:55 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
Hi need4achange,

I've had a very a similar experience to u, I do self harm myself but only when I have been drinking and whilst i'm doing it I will laugh, the more I laugh the more I cut and the deeper I cut, the next morning when I see the cut and realise what I've done I feel so guilty. I've spoken to my counsellor about this, and she believes that the laughter is fear (as I do that alot in counselling as well)..and because drink is a depressive the more I drink the more depressed I get, the more the urge to cut is. To cleanse myself, to get rid of the dirty feelings I feel inside. I don't know if this is the same for u.

All I can suggest is that, u work out why u cut last nite and what feelings it released, then u can work on putting other mechinisms in place..its not easy, but has to be possible.

Sorry not much help but ur not alone in how u feel and react.

Thinking of u

Lost x
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Old 05-22-2007, 05:38 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Finding out what I have been missing!
Posts: 1,011
There is much hope for you!!! You recognize you have a problem, I and many I know drank for years and many still do totally oblivious to the existence of a problem. Me myself, wreck cars, beat up friends, broke windows, ran from cops and often just plain old made and a$$ of myself all the time thinking I was just a normal person who had a few too many drinks and stayed away from anyone who though otherwise.

You have taken the very important first step, you know your drinking sucks and you want to stop.

Have you enlisted the help of others outside of this forum? Maybe individual or group counseling for A abuse or AA if you think that could be your next step.

Your on the right track you just need to get the train rolling.
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Old 05-22-2007, 06:07 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: decatur, ga.
Posts: 33 indeed may feel the need for change yet we must know that "freedom" comes with a price. And the truth in the matter is are you really ready; do you honestly desire what this new way of living and God desires for you. You Never Have To Use again. But its going to take a lot of hard work on your part too to make this maricle be alive for you and those who are dear to you.....the storm has finally past!
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Old 05-22-2007, 06:14 AM
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61'st day sober as of:12/18/07
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Location: Casper, Wyoming U.S.
Posts: 241
Thank you for all of the support and encouragement. I really appreciate that a lot because I feel so alone, desperate and depressed right now. When I reflect back, it seems like every bad thing that has happened in my life occurred while I was drunk and yet I can't take Naltrexone or Campral due to side effects. Also, I am very agoraphobic so an AA meeting would terrify me so I feel like all the doors are closed and I've run out of every option except to stay a drunk, alienate all of my friends and family and eventually die a slow and miserable death. What kind of life is that?.

To make matters all the more worse, I suffer from a number of medical and psycological conditions which predispose me to drinking plus several members of my family members are (or were) alcoholics so there's a genetic link. Anyway, here's what I'm dealing with almost every day...

* Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
* Panic Attacks
* Depression
* Frequent bouts of prostatitis
* Hypochondria
* Agoraphobia
* Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD)
* Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
* Chronic Sinusitis
* Allergic Rhinitis
* Tourette's Syndrome (with vocalizations and everything)
* Lactose Intolerance
* A TERRIBLE addiction to alcohol!

Anyway, I just thought I'd share. I'm sure there are lots of people who are far worse off than me but some of these conditions make me want to drink just to drown out the pain and misery.

Thanks again to ALL of you!

- Need4Change
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Old 05-22-2007, 06:20 AM
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Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
need4... yep some way worse off...

need, ahve to been truthful with your docs about your drinking?

a few of the above may be booze related...

wish'n you all the best...

xxoo, rz
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Old 05-22-2007, 07:10 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
If you've had enough, there is a solution...

I know plenty of people who have had experiences like these. I met them, sober, in the rooms of AA. Some of them have 10 years sobriety or more. So, no, it is not a hopeless case.

This is going to sound crazy but the fact that you feel it is hopeless is actually a good sign. That is the first step of recovery:

"Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanagable."

Does that click anywhere with you? If so you may want to check out AA. It's kept me sober for the past (almost) 18 months. You don't have to stand up and say anything, you can just go to listen.

I wish you all the best! There is hope. Promise.

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