I dont know what happened.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I dont know what happened.
Well you guys...I have popped in and out everyday. But didnt feel I really had anything to add.
When I let those 2 days defeat me..my whole outlook changed. Not as bad as before. But we all know it will lead there sooner or later.
I have gotten high 3 times in the past week. With total disregard to my mission to be clen.
Not a thought crossed my mind that this is what I was trying to beat. Back to the same ole routine. I am not justifyng it..Just back to the doper mentality that this is how it has been for so long. So this is who I am.
I know it is not who I am. It is not who I want to be.
I didnt call my dad for his birthday. That would have been 60 days for me. The 12th.
I am really at a loss for words. I was so strong and doing so well. And now..I dont even know.
I have so many good things in my life and good things to come.
But my mind and body seems like they are screaming to get high.
It's like my comfort zone I guess. But I felt quite content clean. Proud and confident in my recovery. And like a flip of a switch. It all went away.
I seen the miracle of birth for the fist time ever. Got my job back for the fourth time. Got an even better one in July with my former boss.
So wtf is the problem?
No clue.
I havent really been to see the new baby much. Stayed home during family dinner on mothers day at my aunts. I have lost interest again in life.
But the ironic part is. After I got high that first time...Bad news started rolling in.
My grams is bleeding internally again. This has happened before twice. She almost died the first time it happened 8 years ago. And last year it happened too. Both times needed a blood tranfusion. ANd now she has pulminary heart disease which my grandfather died from.
My grams is my world. I come home every morning from work and go lay next to her and we just talk about whatever. And I look at her and see age setting in on her. I imagine what my life is going to be like when she does finally leave me.
I am 31 and never moved out. It has been me and her since I was 4 mos old.
I am afraid of life without her. I am afraid I will never be without addiction and have her see me be something before she passes. I am soo afraid that when she does go. I will just self destruct like never before.
I know thats not the way to think. But I know me.
I am not depressed tho. Just ...I dont know. Not ready to face the reality of life I guess.
I am still a kid really. She takes care of me. She is my rock. And I know that day is not too far away. And I dont want her to leave me like this.
Plus I have also learned that I may have cervical cancer once again. It has been a hell of a two weeks. Now is when I need to be the strongest. But it's so much easier to just forget and act like whatever.
I dont want to go there again. I cant go there again.
I have not given up. Dont get me wrong. I am just weakened at the moment.
I need to train my mind again and get back to the way I was when I found all you wonderful people here.
I will get there. And it wont be long. But right now I just need to soak all this crap in and decide what it is I am going to do about it.
Am I going to let drugs defeat me? Or am I gonna do like I do with everything else and fight like a pitbull?
Thank you all for the thread. I saw that and made me cry.
You all are truely amazing.
I will come around again. And it wont be long. I promise.
I am better than that. My grams is going to need me more than ever now.
I just didnt even try the last 2 times. But that is over.
I am in a fight for my life. Litteraly. I will not lose. And no matter what I will never quit.
Well just wanted to vent. Let yall know I am still here. And I love you guys.
I'll be in and out. But until I get my mind right. I probably wont be posting as much.
When you see me posting alot again. You will know I am ready to hit it head on once again.
Wont be long. I can guarantee you that.
But for now..I have just been reading. Have alot on my mind.
Well gotta to go to bed. Early day with grams at the Dr to see where she is bleeding from again. Pray for me guys. And her as well.
I will be back to the crazy graphic posting me again real soon. You will see.
Thanks again..You all are the best.
When I let those 2 days defeat me..my whole outlook changed. Not as bad as before. But we all know it will lead there sooner or later.
I have gotten high 3 times in the past week. With total disregard to my mission to be clen.
Not a thought crossed my mind that this is what I was trying to beat. Back to the same ole routine. I am not justifyng it..Just back to the doper mentality that this is how it has been for so long. So this is who I am.
I know it is not who I am. It is not who I want to be.
I didnt call my dad for his birthday. That would have been 60 days for me. The 12th.
I am really at a loss for words. I was so strong and doing so well. And now..I dont even know.
I have so many good things in my life and good things to come.
But my mind and body seems like they are screaming to get high.
It's like my comfort zone I guess. But I felt quite content clean. Proud and confident in my recovery. And like a flip of a switch. It all went away.
I seen the miracle of birth for the fist time ever. Got my job back for the fourth time. Got an even better one in July with my former boss.
So wtf is the problem?
No clue.
I havent really been to see the new baby much. Stayed home during family dinner on mothers day at my aunts. I have lost interest again in life.
But the ironic part is. After I got high that first time...Bad news started rolling in.
My grams is bleeding internally again. This has happened before twice. She almost died the first time it happened 8 years ago. And last year it happened too. Both times needed a blood tranfusion. ANd now she has pulminary heart disease which my grandfather died from.
My grams is my world. I come home every morning from work and go lay next to her and we just talk about whatever. And I look at her and see age setting in on her. I imagine what my life is going to be like when she does finally leave me.
I am 31 and never moved out. It has been me and her since I was 4 mos old.
I am afraid of life without her. I am afraid I will never be without addiction and have her see me be something before she passes. I am soo afraid that when she does go. I will just self destruct like never before.
I know thats not the way to think. But I know me.
I am not depressed tho. Just ...I dont know. Not ready to face the reality of life I guess.
I am still a kid really. She takes care of me. She is my rock. And I know that day is not too far away. And I dont want her to leave me like this.
Plus I have also learned that I may have cervical cancer once again. It has been a hell of a two weeks. Now is when I need to be the strongest. But it's so much easier to just forget and act like whatever.
I dont want to go there again. I cant go there again.
I have not given up. Dont get me wrong. I am just weakened at the moment.
I need to train my mind again and get back to the way I was when I found all you wonderful people here.
I will get there. And it wont be long. But right now I just need to soak all this crap in and decide what it is I am going to do about it.
Am I going to let drugs defeat me? Or am I gonna do like I do with everything else and fight like a pitbull?
Thank you all for the thread. I saw that and made me cry.
You all are truely amazing.
I will come around again. And it wont be long. I promise.
I am better than that. My grams is going to need me more than ever now.
I just didnt even try the last 2 times. But that is over.
I am in a fight for my life. Litteraly. I will not lose. And no matter what I will never quit.
Well just wanted to vent. Let yall know I am still here. And I love you guys.
I'll be in and out. But until I get my mind right. I probably wont be posting as much.
When you see me posting alot again. You will know I am ready to hit it head on once again.
Wont be long. I can guarantee you that.
But for now..I have just been reading. Have alot on my mind.
Well gotta to go to bed. Early day with grams at the Dr to see where she is bleeding from again. Pray for me guys. And her as well.
I will be back to the crazy graphic posting me again real soon. You will see.
Thanks again..You all are the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Chiynita,
Thanks so much for letting us know what's going on. I sense that strength in you already and hope to see you back and kicking your habit to the curb again. I'm friends with a crack addict who tried for many many years to get clean and she's got nearly 2 years now. So many gave up on her (she was one of them) - but miracles do happen. Don't give up before yours happens.
Rowan
Thanks so much for letting us know what's going on. I sense that strength in you already and hope to see you back and kicking your habit to the curb again. I'm friends with a crack addict who tried for many many years to get clean and she's got nearly 2 years now. So many gave up on her (she was one of them) - but miracles do happen. Don't give up before yours happens.
Rowan
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,501
Hi Chinyta,
I am glad you let us know how you are doing.
What I saw in your post was you talking about being strong and staying strong. That is a good attitude, but I think it is more about changing your attitude than staying strong. It's about trying to find the safe, loving place withing yourself and being able to nurture yourself from within.
I am glad you let us know how you are doing.
What I saw in your post was you talking about being strong and staying strong. That is a good attitude, but I think it is more about changing your attitude than staying strong. It's about trying to find the safe, loving place withing yourself and being able to nurture yourself from within.
Rock-chalk-jayhawk..
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: kansas
Posts: 170
heya there myfriend. i was wondering where you went. now i know. dont beat yourself up. i know when i slipped 8 days ago i slipped hard. seems like when we get a clear head and everything is going good we think hey why not? now i know thats not the right way to think. my why not turned into 200 in bounced checks and 300 in using. those feelings will always be there. in fact i found out some good news just yesterday. and my thought was grab a bottle and just take a few drinks. well i shut up that demond fast. i told myself out loud no! its not worth it. and the craving went away. sometimes you need to talk to yourself like that. we might look crazy but who gives a shiit. we do what we need to do to live. since my slip im on 8 days sober and moved in with my grandma. found out yesterday they rented my place come june 1st so i dont need to waist any more money on rent. things do work out. im in such a good mood lately its really nice for a change. after my slip i was angry. at myself and the fact i know i cant do that crap anymore. plus that rock really isnt that good. takes your money,personality,friends, and your soul. dont be mad you slipped. dont think of it as throwing away 60 days think of it as you know your stronger now and no what signs to look out for. your grandma im sorry to hear about her condition. but she would love to spend the rest of her days with you as a sober person. take this time now and really enjoy it. when your messed up thats like waisted time. enjoy her now and you will be proud you did it sober. and she will be proud too. this is a really tough time for you right now. dont make it worse by doing drugs. believe me drugs just snowballs into bad things and i dont want to think what could happen. im here for you anytime. if you need to talk pm me. much love for you....jason
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hi Chi, thanks for checking in. Talk about additcion and wanting to get fkd, me too. It aint easy at all. I am serious about it but got shocked by how hard it is. Keep strong hun, yes it is hard but you have to be a big girl now. You need to to do it for you gram.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Chiy..baby.....
Sweetie...what Stone said was right. You have to be a big girl now. Things have
changed from Grams always being there for you. She's going to need a lot of
help. And your medical needs...you know need to grow up overnight and handle
this. And you need to be straight to do it.
I know you can...you will find such inner peace and blessing when you are doing
the right thing.
Love you,
IO
Sweetie...what Stone said was right. You have to be a big girl now. Things have
changed from Grams always being there for you. She's going to need a lot of
help. And your medical needs...you know need to grow up overnight and handle
this. And you need to be straight to do it.
I know you can...you will find such inner peace and blessing when you are doing
the right thing.
Love you,
IO
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