weatherfreak

...then 19 days later my brain has activated and I feel like an open wound, raw and emotional. I went to 2 AA meetings last night(fri) and got some wisdom but I can't seem to shut off my brain. I'm really struggling again but this time it's way different. The withdrawal is pretty much over now, except for some tremors and itching, but now it's time to deal with the life I have wasted, the friends I have lost and the havoc I have caused to myself and others. Feeling lost like this sucks but I'm off to another meeting. All I know at this point in time is that I will not pick up a drink today. What have I done to myself??????????

Anna

Oh Weatherfreak, I remember those feelings very well. It was almost impossible to come to terms with the mistakes I had made and the hurt I had caused. What kind of a person had I become? And, I think there's no way around it. It's something you have to go through to get to the place of peace. Just know that you are not alone, and that it will get easier as days go by. And try to be kind to yourself.

weatherfreak

thanks anna, I needed to hear that, I really appreciate it

Rowan

I'm feeling pretty raw tonight too, weatherfreak. It's hard to live sober when we feel this way, but it ain't nothing a drink will cure. Lets just ride it out - I'm glad you're going to meetings and reaching out - things ease in time, and become easier to bear.
Thanks for posting.

Pilgrim

Hi Weather,

I know where you are too. I found that what rose to the surface during early sobriety was very hard to deal with. I know that if I am to succeed this time, I want to have some mechanisms in place to avoid being overwhelmed by that stuff. 19 days is fantastic.

You have my total support and understanding.

Grizzled

Just keep going to meetigs. Early sobriety is tough, but it's well worth it. Get a sponser, that will help immensely.

And don't leave before the miracle happens.

TenPacks

For myself (don't know whether it will ring true with you, weatherfreak), I plan to just hammer one nail at a time. Hammer it straight and true, and right up the the head of the nail. Then I'll hammer one more.

Someday I will have the whole thing built - someday. Then I just have to take care of it....

hope3

I will tell you what you have done to yourself!

You have waken in an oblivion of your life, and said, hold on

now, wait aminute, this is not what I have to end out my legacy with....

I am so much more............NO, I can't change the past, but I can live each

new day to the fullest, and get back what I deserve by doing just that..

Hope3

scootinbabe

i've been there too. it sucks.
then, i was there again. it sucked too.
and again. and again.

this happens. life comes and kicks you in the gut and you can't go off and anesthesize. that is what sucks the most. you have to wear those feelings. live with them. allow yourself to be humbled by them. and ask for help in getting through them.

out of those painful times, you grow. you stretch. you learn. you "grow up" a little more. you can get though it. it sucks. but it will pass and you will feel so much lighter and brighter for awhile. then, it hits again. but, that is life. and, you are finally feeling it.

the good news is that YOU DIDN'T PICK UP! That alone is a miracle and indicative of great growth.

you are doing the right things. going to meetings. asking for help. coming here. you are doing it. you really are. hang in there.


--and i love what anna wrote. you do have to walk through this. once you do, it loses its power over you. the shame and the guilt will lift from you.

and do take care of yourself. ask your hp to take care of you.

i had a horrible pit-of-despair night earlier this week and all i could do was picture a giant hand holding me in its palm. i just kept asking that hp would care for me. this is all step 3 stuff (i think). it's good character and soul-building stuff. not easy, but good. can i say it completely sucks? did i say it completely sucks? it totally, absolutely, completely sucks, but it's so worth it to get through it. you can do it.

CarolD

Way to go on your sober time!

Here is info for you to check out

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

When I did my formal AA Steps 4&5
all the remorse and shame vanished.

A good reason to begin your step work!

Blessings

weatherfreak

Thanks for all your replies! I just have to get use to this freaky ride which I do know will get better with time. It just sucks and I'm the only one who can fix it. All your words of support make it bearable and for that I thank you all. My moods and thought processes are screwed. I'm scared, confused, manic and lethargic all within the span of 2 minutes. I'm so afraid of myself because I have no idea who I really am. I know I'm an alcoholic, that much is for sure, but who the hell am I right now. I feel like a scared little boy cowering in the corner about to p*ss himself, then 5 minutes later I'll walk down the street feeling on top of the world, invincible. The rollercoaster won't stop. It keeps ploughing through the station and up to the top of the first hill, over and over again. This time it's tears of terror followed by laughter then silence before my brain starts screaming back at me YOU ARE A TOTAL F**K UP. You are useless, you're pathetic, who would ever want to know you. He's that drunk I see staggering around at night trying to get home, worthless, crazy ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

Phew, I just took 5 minutes out. What a rant, that's how I was feeling before. I really needed to vent that one. I hope I haven't offended anyone but I need to post it anyway

weatherfreak

thanks carol, I was posting that last reply before I read that link you put up. Lets just say it's calmed me down a lot and I'm seeing my Dr first thing monday morning at 9am. My valium runs out this weekend and I think I'm going to lose it when it does. I know for a fact that I can't keep on taking it and it's time to deal with things properly now.

chicago

oh my God this was me 12-14 months ago. those were my exact feelings! i remember crying in meetings because the pain was so raw. i couldnt deal with some major trauma (introduced friends to drugs who died from OD, stealing/hurting family, lying/manipulating/losing friends, OD'ing myself, getting robbed at gunpoint, etc). i was spiritually CRIPPLED and physically/emotionally/psychologically CRUSHED. after i did my 4th step a weight lifted and now after making amends the hole iin my soul has been filled with love, spiritual peace, God, AA, tolerance, faith and acceptence. i have been were you are at and i am forever grateful that there is a solution to these raw emotions. it is the 12-step program of AA and it will heal your soul. if your feeling intense raw pain, it means you are starting to heal.

xXBacktoBlackXx

weatherfreak, the pain of feeling how much you've ****** up and dealing with this pain while sober is horrible. So many people here can relate to this feeling. In my experience, I know that I often drank to mask how I was really feeling inside, so once becoming sober I didn't have this thing that numbed me anymore. You know that it's better for you not to have it but it's so hard to get used to feeling everything while being so aware. It's like a huge punch in the gut and slap in the face now. But I think it's beautiful to really feel now, even though in the beginning it's so painful.

The best of luck to you.

Dee74

can't really add anything to the excellent advice here mate - but hope you're doing better now...I know what you mean with the rollercoaster ride, and especially the regrets, but I'm finding a lot of satisfaction in making amends for past wrongs...it can't cancel out my past mistakes but putting into practice what I've learned might help atone for them...

hang in there
D

Surlyredhead

I also remember those feelings, as if it was yesterday. I used to wake up in the middle of the night is a cold sweat feeling sick about all I had done, it was so bad, I had to get up and stay up, even if it was 2am!!!! Then one day, I woke up and was able to thank God that I wasn't that person anymore....then roll over and go back to sleep!!!! I remember that day like it was yesterday too!!! Just don't use WF, I promise it will get better with time. You are doing just fine....Cathy

SaTiT

hangon2urarss
don't pick up no matter what

nogard

one day at a time.

lazydays

okay here is my story. I grew up with an alcoholic dad. He also abused drugs and made our life hell. He dies when I was a teenager due to drugs and As I have gotten older I also used drugs but, thank GOD stopped. Now, I am realizing how bad my drinking is to. Okay I work and go to school and have a family. I also go to church. The thing is when I drink whether its beer or wine or liquor I always have this urge to drank more and more. I have had blackouts before. I always tell myself that I will quit but I always trick myself into thinking I can handle it. IMy husband and I have had serious fights and arguements over how much I drank and how I act. I have hit him several times before and rold him I didnt love him. I know that I do. It's really a prblem in our family. The thing is I dont drink except Fri and Saturdays and if I get drunk one night I dont drink again. Why can't I be like other ppl and not have that urge to keep drinking mire and more? I never enjoy my buzz because I drink so much I almost pass out. I have a wonderful and I pray and I go to church but I still wind up drinking. Maybe I just need to never go out but I love going out I just have a hard time going completely sober. I told my husband I might be an alsoholic and he just says that I should just stop and he thinks it is a bunch of BS. He just yells and argues and thinks that is an exscuse. He says I have just drank one or two and stopped, but he doesnt realize how hard stopping is. I want help. I want to be a better wife but my conscience is killling me. Whats wrong with me and why can't I just have one or two? Its hard to say I'll never drink because I dont feel comfy going out and being around pp,l not drinking? Please tell what u think. What do I do? What do say to my hubby. Im suprised he hasnt left me because I would leave me. He just yells and he is very controlling. I dont know what to do.

teej

Hang in there weather!