I Caved!!!!!!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I Caved!!!!!!
OMG!!!..Almost 2 mos and I let 2 days of struggling get over on me.
I gave in too easy. I think I wanted to get high. No..I know I did.
And now I am so disappointed and ashamed.
Had to call into work and make something up as to why. SIGH
I have been hiding from my family for 2 days too ashamed to face them.
Especially after seeing my cousins baby born and I missed her welcome home dinner.
Spent what money I had saved and then some.
It's ridiculous.
But I Am going to start at square one...Once again.
I did not enjoy it. It sucked...It was nothing but a bunch of chaotic BS.
I think maybe I should stop focusing on time in and just live it.
I m not collecting numbers. I am trying to survive this crap.
I am at my aunts using her computer because mine is tied up and I cant get online.
Just wanted to share.
I am not giving up.
If I fall a million times...I will always keep trying.
I gave in too easy. I think I wanted to get high. No..I know I did.
And now I am so disappointed and ashamed.
Had to call into work and make something up as to why. SIGH
I have been hiding from my family for 2 days too ashamed to face them.
Especially after seeing my cousins baby born and I missed her welcome home dinner.
Spent what money I had saved and then some.
It's ridiculous.
But I Am going to start at square one...Once again.
I did not enjoy it. It sucked...It was nothing but a bunch of chaotic BS.
I think maybe I should stop focusing on time in and just live it.
I m not collecting numbers. I am trying to survive this crap.
I am at my aunts using her computer because mine is tied up and I cant get online.
Just wanted to share.
I am not giving up.
If I fall a million times...I will always keep trying.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by chiynita 
I am not giving up.
If I fall a million times...I will always keep trying.
If I fall a million times...I will always keep trying.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Chiynita. i gave in yesterday too...I believed the stupid lie that the pain would stop... Glad to see you are starting right away. Join me...let's make it this time with more knowledge...Been missing you on the board...You welcomed me the first day and i never forgot your kind words...particularly the ones that said only i could beat myself down
You know what to do....for you are wiser now. And you know those two months aint lost
you will always inspire me
You know what to do....for you are wiser now. And you know those two months aint lost
you will always inspire me
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Chiynita,
Thank you so much for your honesty. It took courage to come here and to tell the truth. You had 2 solid months of clean time behind you - and you found out that nothing changes when you go back to it - it's still the same old b.s. as you attest.
Try your best to have a plan in place the next time this happens. Urges and cravings come on fast and furious and can suck us in if we aren't vigilant.
I admire your perseverance - you will get through this and come out stronger.
I'm so glad you're here, sweetie.
Rowan
Thank you so much for your honesty. It took courage to come here and to tell the truth. You had 2 solid months of clean time behind you - and you found out that nothing changes when you go back to it - it's still the same old b.s. as you attest.
Try your best to have a plan in place the next time this happens. Urges and cravings come on fast and furious and can suck us in if we aren't vigilant.
I admire your perseverance - you will get through this and come out stronger.
I'm so glad you're here, sweetie.
Rowan
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hey Chiynita and Karim,
everyone's been there...when I think of you both, I think of your many messages of support and inspiration here at SR...don't lose that perspective...get back with the programme and move on past this...
D
everyone's been there...when I think of you both, I think of your many messages of support and inspiration here at SR...don't lose that perspective...get back with the programme and move on past this...
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi Chi,
You will always have the experience of living the two months clean and sober and moving forward in your recovery. You can do this again and and you are right that you must never stop trying.
You will always have the experience of living the two months clean and sober and moving forward in your recovery. You can do this again and and you are right that you must never stop trying.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Ballston Lake, New York
Posts: 79
Chi,
I truly believe what you are going through. I know how it feels to give in. But you are so STRONG. I have been reading your posts and depending on them. I know you can do it.
Theresa
I truly believe what you are going through. I know how it feels to give in. But you are so STRONG. I have been reading your posts and depending on them. I know you can do it.
Theresa
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Oh gosh girl, it took me a lot of those to get to where I am now.
Looking back over my trials and tribulation, it's lol, kind of like
how you would train for a marathon.... Most of us don't just
get up and go the whole 26 miles, we build up to it and then one day,
you are ready to run the 26 miles 385 yards.
You know the word marathon comes from a Greek man who ran to
deliver a message, he ran the whole way, delivered the message,
and then collapsed and died from exhaustion.
Don't give yourself an excuse to relapse but don't beat yourself up,
your path is your path. It took me a lot of little tries to get to my
first length of sobriety, then I fell too. I do believe that is what was
supposed to happen, as the ONLY reason I fell was I found a bag of
meth on the sidewalk on my way home from work....
You are a work in progress....
Never give up, and keep trying, and you will make it...
Focus on the fact that you know you can and will be clean,
and you don't have to use drugs anymore to live life.
Your doing great girl....... Your grandpa would be proud!!!~~
Looking back over my trials and tribulation, it's lol, kind of like
how you would train for a marathon.... Most of us don't just
get up and go the whole 26 miles, we build up to it and then one day,
you are ready to run the 26 miles 385 yards.
You know the word marathon comes from a Greek man who ran to
deliver a message, he ran the whole way, delivered the message,
and then collapsed and died from exhaustion.
Don't give yourself an excuse to relapse but don't beat yourself up,
your path is your path. It took me a lot of little tries to get to my
first length of sobriety, then I fell too. I do believe that is what was
supposed to happen, as the ONLY reason I fell was I found a bag of
meth on the sidewalk on my way home from work....
You are a work in progress....
Never give up, and keep trying, and you will make it...
Focus on the fact that you know you can and will be clean,
and you don't have to use drugs anymore to live life.
Your doing great girl....... Your grandpa would be proud!!!~~
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
I'm sorry that happened but use it as a learning experience. Let that make you stronger.. learn your triggers. It is important to focus on what trips us up in order to avoid them in the future. You can do this. This is only a minor setback in the big picture of it all.
just focus on today, right this moment and tomorrow will take care of itself.
Hugs to ya!
just focus on today, right this moment and tomorrow will take care of itself.
Hugs to ya!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Originally Posted by chiynita
I did not enjoy it. It sucked...It was nothing but a bunch of chaotic BS.
I think this is important, I feel the same now myself about drinking. Put the whip away and be happy you now know for sure it is all BS.
You are going to make it Chi, I really believe that!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
I m not collecting numbers. I am trying to survive this crap.
You know what I'm reminded of, for some reason? Chris Rock's riff on "n*****s always want credit for some s**t they're supposed to do."
Us alcoholics are like that - until we get it right. We want someone - the world, our parents, whatever - to give us credit for ten days, two months, three years sober. All we're doing is taking responsibility for ourselves, for pity's sake. We grow up, and take responsibility for ourselves.
You know I'm not having a go Chinyita. You know of course that all of us here tried and failed repeatedly, so we've all been where you are now. And I think that all of us who got out of the mire, however we did it, have one thing in common. We took personal responsibility for our condition. We stopped counting, and just accepted - "this is the way it is, from now on. I drink, I suffer. So today, I don't pick up that first drink". And for people like me, that meant reaching a crisis where I was forced to surrender to the fact - I can't drink and expect it to be ok. It never will be.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: PHILADELPHIA, PA
Posts: 155
Man , I use my relapses as a learning experience , I try to figure out where I was weakened at and try my best to refortify those areas and I DO NOT KICK MYSELF TOO HARD , it serves no purpose and hurts like hell , Remount the horse and ride on to day TWO , a steel sword can represent our strength to overcome obstacles and we all know that the steel is refined by fire in order to strengthen the sword ,we all become stronger after each refinement , so ladies and gentlemen come out swingin . God bless you both and stay strong .
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