confuzedinva

I've been dating a guy for a little over a year now. He confided that he previously had a drug problem but had not used for over a year. Our relationship was perfect for a while, then it became really inconsistent. Arguments about nothing, for no apparent reason. I surprised him at his home one day, only to find him smoking a laced blunt. Left his house-- he didn't even notice that I was gone until the next day when he called to apologize. He swore it would never happen again. That was 7 months into our relationship, but we decided to move on with the relationship. Relationship continued it's inconsistent pattern (but with no obvious signs of drug use) until finally last week when I couldn't take it anymore and told him that I was finished. I couldn't understand his nonchalant approach to something that I thought was important to us both. Finally when he realized that I was leaving for real, he confided to me that he is using again. We had a long, tearful conversation and I told him that I would do whatever I could to be supportive of him. He agreed that his habit was destructive and that he needed to quit. He also said that he understood that his drug use was not something that I would tolerate or put up with in a relationship. He promised to stop. Six hours later, I'm on the phone with him and I overhear him asking the 7-11 cashier for a pack of Phillies. Exhausted, I finally told him that I no longer had the energy to deal with his lies and deceit and that he should call me when he was serious about getting help. I've made an appointment for counseling (I need to talk with someone!) for tomorrow. I've invited him to come, but he says that while he wants to keep that door open, he wants to try to help himself first. I don't think he will be able to do it on his own, and don't trust him to be honest with me when/if he relapses. I've told him that the only way that we will work is if he agrees to get help. He continues to call and e-mail me until finally yesterday, I asked him not to contact me anymore until he is ready to get help. I'm heartbroken and confused and hoping that I've done the right thing. I feel like I've abandoned him. Did I?

Jwife22

No honey you didn't. You did what you had to do for your peace of mind and sanity. This may be the way it needs to go for him to figure it out and get clean. Whose to say that if he straightens himself out that you guys can't have a future together sometime down the road.

Breakups are always painful. You are a lot stronger than some of us on this site already.

eire rose

You did the right thing.

He will get help if and when he is ready. Get help for yourself.

This also happened to me, looking back I am glad I saw it before the relationship went any further. The guy was a mess and dragging me down with him, I thought I was losing my mind. Checking up on him, looking for signs of drug use, searching pockets etc... was making me more crazy than him.

Be gentle with yourself, I know how difficult this is.

Love, Rose

1_day@_a_time

From my experiecne, seek therapy ONLY with someone who is IN A PROGRAM OF RECOVERY THEMSELVES! (AA or Alanon)

Anybody can have an idea about AA, or have an AA Big Book on their shelf, but their minds DO NOT THINK THE SAME WAY.

Example, not doubt, if YOU are not an addict or alcoholic, you can NOT relate to this behavior, correct?

Suggest you seek out Alanon, EXCELLENT support group!

I promise they will understand your feelings very well.

Tom

livefree

You didn't abandon him. The tactic you used has gotten a fair number of alcoholics sober (including myself.) Whether or not he is ready to get help is entirely up to him. Regardless, living with an alcoholic or addict can be quite unhealthy. You need to take care of yourself. Check out alanon and see if he would be iunterested in AA or NA. Best of luck.

miss communicat

Re: Whether or not you abandoned him:

No.

You would've abandoned YOU if you had continued in this spin cycle.

and

He abandoned himself already by getting back into the insanity of using. Without a whole man, there is no wholeness possible in relationship, so, it can be said that He, not you, has already abandoned the relationship.


You are responding healthily to an unhealthy proposition. Stay strong!

Jersey Nonny

Tough love is not easy...that's why it's called "tough love". Be strong...if you and he are meant to be, it will happen. If not, you may have been spared a lot of misery by taking a stand early in the relationship.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, confused. sounds like a smart decision to me. and good idea to see a counselor. are you going to alanon meetings? i have a daughter who is an alcoholic/addict. i've found private counseling along with alanon meetings to be a real winning combination. blessings, k

confuzedinva

Thank you guys (and gals!) for your advice and well-wishes. We (he actually showed up) went to counseling today. The counselor asked him straight-up if he thought that he was an addict. His answer, "That's a good question." So I guess he's not in complete denial? He says that he's been getting high for more than 20 years now, but was, on his own, able to stop for a year and some months. He thinks that he can stop on his own again. Our counselor disagrees, and I don't know what to think. He did stop smoking cigarettes on his own-- went cold turkey, but now I'm learning that that's when the drug use really picked up. I'm thinking that he has an addictive personality and without help, he's always going to have these issues. He says that his habit is psychologically addictive, but not physically addictive (marijuana laced with cocaine) and thinks that he can overcome it by changing his routine, surroundings, etc. Also he says that he has a friend that he confide in when the urgings get strong-- this friend has been clean for a couple of years. I have my doubts about all of it. Any thoughts? I plan to attend Alanon meetings-- there's so much that I don't understand about this, but he is not interested in NA. He did keep the door open to going back to one-on-one counseling and the counselor gave him some info about another program that the center runs which he said that he would hold on to. I guess that's a start? Do I continue to enforce the no contact rule until he agrees to go for help or is it possible that he could get clean on his own?

miss communicat

it all depends on his idea of what getting clean means.

it sounds like he believes he can get clean occasionally and then get high occasionally and that should be fine. unfortunately for you, he is doing exactly what addicts do, which is make deals so that they can continue getting to do what they want when they want to, without consideration for the big picture.

to get clean, to me, implies staying clean. 100% clean, all the time, 7 days a week. not 70% some of the time on his terms.

CarolD

Yes you did
There is no way love overcomes addiction.

JMO

Dee74

Confuzed,

From experience (both sides)...

think very carefully about committing to someone who, from your posts, doesn't seem totally keen on giving 100% commitment to stopping and seeking professional help...that's a time honoured recipe for trouble and sorrow..someone has to lose in that deal.

D