mimi54321

OK, I haven't posted for a while because I didn't know what to say. I'm overwhelmed with everything right now.

To summarise, I was always scared that I would lose my boyf through going - or at least trying to - get sober.

I left it too late, he'd gone already, 'because of me' he said. Even though he uses - coke, alcohol, mdma every weekend, he loves to party.

I had 2 weeks sober, was over the moon He wasn't. I split up with him in the end (last saturday - we've been together a year and lived together for 6 months).

I am heartbroken, I did it cos I was high and sick of him treating me lower than he does his mates, he is such a LAD.

It was the right thing to do but now I'm dealing with the consequences, drinking, panic attacks, can't sleep at night thinking 'how can he dismiss me like that' 'I must be a fat ugly witch' etc.

I start my new job tomorrow, I'm relieved that I now have something to focus on, give me back some self-esteem - I'm an Curator for an art gallery...

He's not the one for me (as much as I wish he was), I know that, but how do you deal with being the one to make the desicion to split and then wish you could go back on it.

The way I feel right now is sad, I miss him, I miss my flat (and cat), I am dreading the near future (finding somewhere to live etc), I have no money, I get really angry, can't sleep, my heart feels like it's coming out of my chest, my head feels like it's going to explode, I want to get trashed - booze, coked up, switch off, etc but I can't, new job tmw.

Thanks all

Needed to rant.

M xx

Lollipop

(((((Mimi))))))

Congrats on the job!!!!!

I am so sorry you are down. I am in a very similar situation, I am starting a new job and have lost my husband of 23 years.....to make it worse, he is now dating a 26 year old little bomb shell that babysat for us 10 years ago at 16!!!!! I can relate to the low self esteem and lack of sleep!!!! I also know that with lack of sleep, after awhile, thinking can become distorted, throw in some pills or booze and it starts the cycle......"I drink because I am unhappy, yet I am unhappy because I drink" dont allow yourself to do this sweetie!!!! FOCUS!!! You are growing as a person, you are strong and know your life needs to change.....with him it will NOT.

Do some soul searching and just when you think the answers are clear, search some more!! Remember the unhappiness you felt and the reasons you decided to make the break in the first place!!! Right now you are mourning the loss of your boyfriend, but you are also mourning the old routine and lifestyle!!! Every day you will grow stronger and the pain will lesson. Sleep will come and then you will start to feel it. Just fight until it hits!! You will be so thankful that you did!!!!

~HUGS!~ Liss

parentrecovers

sometimes the best decisions are not always the easiest. sounds like you are putting yourself first, and that is positive. new jobs can open up a lot of beginnings, be grateful for that? good luck, and let us know how that goes? blessings, k

Alive

A new job is a good way to start over.... i can understand your sadness...but like parent recovers said it's wonderful to see you are making the right changes!

wish you much success in that job, and peace in your soul

Karim

Rowan

I'm glad you posted, Mimi, I've been thinking of you.

You've gone through a lot in the last little while - try your best to keep it simple, if you can. Stay clean and sober today - and good luck with the new job.

Nothing outside of ourselves can make us whole - not a boyfriend, not a car, not a beautiful house, not a drink or a drug. It takes courage to go through life without them - if we believe otherwise. You can do this. Baby steps ...

Rowan
p.s. and please keep posting - we need you here.

miss communicat

Hi Mimi,

Life changes are sometimes really rocky, and scary. Thats why your mind is telling you that you want to go back on your decision...it is seeking any way to reduce the turbulunce in your life and somehow, the familar seems safer than the unknown.

Just know and trust: the BEST is yet to come!!!!!

You are not alone, you never have to be alone and you never have to drink/get trashed/shut off again.

For today, wrap your mind around sobriety.

We are here for you! Congrats on the new beginning. Curating artwork is highly rewarding.

Missymae737

Hi Mimi,

You are going through some major changes right now...These types of changes set off alarms of "I do not want to feel this anymore". So we go through an internal fight within ourselves to USE...

You are doing the right thing by focusing on your new job and coming here for support.

You will be ok, keep posting..
Thinking of you...

mimi54321

Thanks guys, as always you have great advice. I'll let you know how it goes.

Been ignoring calls from HIM all day. Funny isn't it. As soon as you start getting your own life, they want to be a part of it.

M xx

Alive

Wow, had to say wow. deeeeeeeeep! nothing outside of us, so true, thank you for that post Rowan!If we believe there is something positive in us it will be true!

Mimi once again stay strong, sorry for interrupting the posts with a commentary but it was stronger than me!

Dee74

yes, annoying...but congrats on the new life, the attitude and the curator's job, Mimi!

keep posting when u can

D

livefree

Mimi,
Why is that doing the right thing has to be so hard? You do know you are doing the right thing, right? Because you are... and I'm proud of you! Even though I'm sure it can be frustrating having that feeling like "I want to drink or use but I can't because I have no money and I have work tomorrow"... that seems like a blessing in disguise to me. Stay strong... you're doing the right thing. AND many congrats on the job... it sounds realy cool.

BigSis

((Mimi)) You have one very good thing right in front of you - the new job.

Hope you can "stay in today" and just take the next right step.

((hugs))

mimi54321

Thanks again guys.

New job all good

I miss my boyf more than anything but rereading your posts helps keep me focussed.

But, I am feeling positive, trying to keep off the booze (one bottle of beer a night at the moment, although I had a glass of champagne at lunch as it was my new boss' birthday, not that I'm making excuses....)

OK, I know I shouldn't be drinking at all. I feel numb at the moment and find it very difficult to eat without a drink, I've lost weight and the numbness is worse than I've had for a while - like I'm an actor.

Sorry, sounds wierd but does anyone identify?

M x

Rowan

You always seem to post just when I am thinking of you, Mimi!

I'm glad the job is good.

I'm not going to chastise you for drinking - you know that abstinence is necessary, and that controlled drinking only lasts for so long. When you're ready, you'll give it up, I hope.

I can always identify with numbness, whether in the same context, I'm not sure. I felt like a fraud everywhere I went, because I never accepted myself and wanted everyone to like me. Getting sober, it took me a long time to figure out who I was and what I liked, believed in, etc.

Please keep posting, Mimi.

tad4871

Congratulations on the job honey.

Losing my boyfriend was the thing that frightened me most when I told everyone about my problem (for the umpteenth time). But in the long run, I decided that if he couldn't stick with me and support me, I had to look out for myself. I hate being alone, have always had a boyfriend so I know how much it sucks.

You did the right thing and your on the right track. I'm headed back that way myself, slowly, but that's the way I'm headed.

Getting sober was one of the hardest things I've ever done, staying sober is still just a little out of reach - but I'm still trying :-) The numbness will go away (along with all the other fun stuff that comes with getting sober) and you will be where you've wanted to be for a long time.

Don't know if I'm making sense (I do to myself LOL), but I figured I'd drop a line.

mimi54321

Hey cool.

Rowan, thanks again as always for your support and kind words. And Tad, cheers for the post.

I know what I need to do - walk away - but I'm so scared. I feel so small and pointless, I want to feel comforted again and surrounded with what I know and feel familiar with. I'm finding this whole new life really cold and depressing.

I don't know what to fill it with. OK, the classic answers: go to galleries, go to the cinema, meet people for coffee, paintballing, bowling etc etc.

Its easier said than done. Of course galleries are part of my life but not the whole of it. I liked the escapism of getting trashed, sitting with my feelings is bloody horrendous, I can't sleep at night my heart is pounding even though I'm exhausted all day.

I know I've said this all before but HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE!!??

That's my main problem, I want a quick fix as always Am so numb that I almost could break a bone and I wouldn't notice. Sometimes I even think I have.....this is the feeling I used to get and the only thing that helped (apart from booze and drugs) was SI - but I'm NOT going back there.

Well, thank god I have you guys to rant to.

As always, thanks

M x

mimi54321

Also just realised how often I say 'I' in my posts....

Am I self-obsessed? Me, me meeeee??

LOL

M x

Rowan

LOL - you're in good company - we are a self-obsessed lot!

The pain is bloody horrendous, you're right on the money with that one. But it does get better, it really does, or I wouldn't be sitting here telling you otherwise. I've been through it, and I relapsed a couple of times, and I tried again, and eventually I got enough sobriety that I didn't want to go back to the old ways.

Did you ever go through something that you thought would destroy you? Think back -maybe a particularly bad breakup, losing someone close to you - remember the pain and hurt and devastation? I'll bet it doesn't hurt as bad today. All pain eventually subsides - and lets face it, you've been drinking and using to mask your feelings for a long time - so it's going to take a while to get over the pain of losing a relationship, and to be able to face life clean and sober.

Hang in, friend.

Rowan

mimi54321

I understand.

The problem is my mum was murdered in front of me when I was 11. That is the most painful thing I've had to experience, and unfortunately I never allowed myself to feel that. That was what I think sparked me off running away from all feelings, it was too painful so I refused to feel it - hence my current situation.

I guess its learning how to feel again.

Rowan

Oh I'm so sorry that you had to go through that! My own daughter is 11 - I cannot imagine!
You can heal from whatever is in your past, though, I promise you. You can break this cycle.