Jules62

In my offline life.

A friend I've known for 3 years who lives in Australia.

4 weeks ago-in a drunken rage I told her to stay away from me-to never contact me again.....I blamed her for so much.I told her everything I thought was wrong with HER-as a way of avoiding all that was wrong with ME-because I hated that she was getting so close to me and knew something was up.

God-I've pushed away so many wonderful people.I sicken myself.

I expected her-and told her-that I was waiting for her to tell me how much she hated me.

She responded 'Rose-don't you get it after 3 years?I LOVE you.I want to be here for you-no matter what'

And I just cried like a baby.

It's been hard to stop.

She wants to come over here and help me when I go through withdrawal-I'm not sure about that yet.I'm scared of what I might be like.But hell-where do people get off being so effing kind?And forgiving?

I just wanted to share....I'm a mess tonight....

Rosexox

IO Storm

Rose..

See........I told you people cared...

And we love you here also........

Here is something just for you tonite...

Jules62

I just can't stand it......

I can't stop crying.

Thank you-that is so beautiful and I just feel like complete scum right now.

I keep waiting for someone to blast me-and it never happens and I don't know why.

I've said some awful things-and people keep forgiving me.

I've never known this in my life but it gets to me like nothing I've known..

But-thank you.

Rosexox

IO Storm

Rose...

You are not used to it....

You only hear the voices in your head...

The voices that never were.......

Because you are the voices...self blame,shame,and hatred.

For a moment...think of the words your friend said to you..

I said to you...and other friends here....

Please...for a moment..listen to the voices of Grace.

IO

Jules62

Thank you....again....

The thing is-I have some wonderful friends-who won't judge me.

I am blessed-they'd love me regardless of this-but I can't tell them yet.

I told one today and she was so forgiving, loving.....

She knows.she said to me-'You don't believe a word I've said do you?'

I had to laugh-then confess-I do believe you-because you've always been honest with me-but can I accept it?Take it to my heart?Not yet'

She got it and didn't push.

How blessed am I?

Very.

I know this.

I'm just so sad.

But I'll be okay.

I have to go now.

Thank you though.You really are a blessing.

Rosexox

angie9

hey Rose,
great youve told a friend thats what you need as well as us cyber friends a friend who can talk hug and cry with you. alcohilism (sp) is a disease and we didnt ask for it!! We didnt ask to be a flammin p*ss head that cant stop drinking alcohol while others can and do stop. You dont need anger hatred or to be blasted you need to be held or given total support as you fight this ,gosh at 4pm I was screaming inside me "i want a wine I want a wine!!!! NOW!!! but I didnt get a wine its still hard but that demon is getting quieter and quieter and will never be off my back I know that. the future Im scared to death about it Im scared about trying to topp myself again when it gets tough Im scared that Ill through logic away and grab a bottle Im dam scared but all I can do is think one minute at a time. Take care Rose and take your friends offer shes a lovely person.
Ang

Jules62

Angie-I just pray you never give in.You've been a real encouragemnent to me.Don't you dare top yourself-please.You are doing so well.I hope-one day-I can be sober as long as you.Hang in there too-and thank you.

Rosexox

Rowan

SO proud of you, ((((friend))))

parentrecovers

telling your friend was a big step, rose. very proud of you. blessings, k

BehindBlueEyes

Hi Rose,

Nice to meet you. Reading your words...WOW! They sound like I could have written them myself. I know all too well that feeling. I too have pushed many people, good people, loved ones away.

Yes, You are blessed. Try to always remember that!

Wishing you all the best.

GlassPrisoner

Hey Rose, glad you're still here.

Very astute of you.

THE NERVE of them !!!!!

Hang in there. It gets better. Not today, prolly not tommorrow, but it does.

leviathon

Hi Rose, I am so glad that you have someone that cares so much.

I remember when I did that to my best friend... I lost him.

Peace, Levi

livefree

Hi, Rose.
Reading both of your posts really hit home. I've felt that way about things I've done while drunk... things that have made me hate myself. One thing that has helped me to focus on today and not the mistakes I've made in the past is to remember that I was really a different person when I drank. I was mean, I was angry, I hated everyone, I was not myself. You are not a bad person, you are a sick person... those are two very different things. Let your friend help you. Concentrate on loving yourself.

Jules62

Thank you all so much for these responses.I do take in everything you say.

I find it so hard not to think of myself as a bad person-but you're right-I'm a sick person.I know it.

It's a strange thing-since telling my friend-I actually feel relieved-yet scared-if that makes sense.

Someone knows-and they don't hate me?And she had every right to.

She e mailed me tonight-is coming to stay with me in two weeks time.She said'I don't care what state you're in-I just want you to know I'm here for you.Regardless.'

I'm a little overwhelmed.

I wrote back-'You do realise I may tell you to p*** off and leave me alone again don't you?'

She replied-'I'm used to that now.So what?'

Gotta love her. It made my day.

Rosexox

Hope

(((Rose)))

You are loved!

Let your friend help you Rose. You are very blessed to have a friend that will stand by you through everything. That is true friendship and it is a very beautiful thing.