Didn't make it today....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Didn't make it today....
This is my first post, I'm a newbie.
Here's my story. Grew up with two alcoholic parents. My dad was the open drinker and got openly drunk, my mom kept the bottles hidden and got more discreetly drunk. Alcoholism on both sets of grandparent sides. All of us children are alcoholic so God knows if we are going into the 5th, 6th or 10th generation of drinkers, because I sometimes think the drinking has been passed down from generation to generation. Either through some inherited brain problem or just learned behavior.
All of my brothers are heavy drinkers. So am I. So that means that we are all alcoholics. Twins ten years older than me (now in their 60's) and a brother 2 years older than me, mid 50's. One of the twins has had some success with AA and a couple of years of sobriety, but he is clearly the second worst drinker. He has no teeth left.
Probably spent 25 years of his life drinking pure spirits like vodka on a daily basis.
The brother closest to me is the worst drinker. Two weeks ago, he was taken to the VA ER for the 2nd time in the last year for severe alcohol overdose and injuring himself by falling. He has mental illness issues and the mental illness hospital court said if they see him again, he will be committed. They are tired of seeing him at the VA ER and he has these episodes about two times a year. For the last 15 years.
My story is sort of a "lite version" of their's. I never drank like my brothers when I was a young adult. I didn't like "drinking" bars, I liked disco bars. I liked to be active and dance and hated the idea of sitting in a bar and just talking. I had different drinking patterns too. I knew I had "the problem", though. For a decade, I worked "swing shift" at a company, just so I could place an obstacle between myself and alcohol. It kept me away from the clubs and the drinking. Then I got married and my kids kept me busy.
I was no angel though, I did like heavy weekend drinking and remember many a morning making waffles for my kids with an exhausting hangover. But, still, I felt I had control and spent the majority of my days healthy and sober and feeling good.
Then we moved to another country and I couldn't find work. I was getting older, just about to hit that midlife crisis age, and my language skills were an issue. I had also been out of the job market for a few years and my skills were outdated. For the first time in my life, I had no job, nothing to do during the day and my kids were growing up and didn't need me anymore.
I noticed my drinking patterns changed then. I started drinking week nights. I started drinking weekend days as well as the nights.
That scared me. I went to a doctor and said: "I'm an alcoholic and need your help". She put me through a battery of tests. Said I was healthy. No liver probs. That was 10 years ago. I wonder what she would say today? I started with an alcoholic and substance abuse therapist. Started antibuse. I was determined to beat it. The most important moment of that time is when I told my husband I was an alcoholic. My therapist had been pushing for it and I finally did it. When I did it, it felt like the weight of the world was taken from my shoulders. I wasn't alone. He knew. It felt good. I asked him to help support me. I told him I can't have a liquor cabinet in the house. But, I know he likes his moderate and non-alcoholic sip of whiskey now and then. He is not a drinker. I bought a combination lock for the cabinet and gave him the key.
Then I had a few golden years. We moved to another country. I was happy there. I liked my life and found work. I continued with the antibuse, made a sporty friend and spent my weeks exercising. I did start drinking again eventually, but only on weekends. I became a moderate drinker again.
We moved back "home" again (not the states), I couldn't get a job, I was now even older and even more unattractive as a job candidate. The hours of the day loomed before me. I started out with 2.8% beer. I kept telling myself the beer was a placebo, not "really" alcohol, and my stomach ballooned. For a couple of years, I didn't get drunk, you really can't with that kind of low alcohol stuff, and, I finally began to find work. Things were sort of okay for a while.
But, in the last two year, I haven't found any work. And, my self esteem is zero. And I am doing it again. But, I've moved on from the 2.8% beers to the heavier stuff. Once again, I see a deterioration, a plunge of my drinking from not good to worse. Much worse.
I finally decided to do volunteer part time work without pay and that has helped me feel like a slightly normal human being again. But, it's sort of a bandaid on a broken leg.
Today I must have visited a dozen online alcohol therapy websites. But the cravings were screaming in my ear. I broke down and bought a few bottles of beer. Around 1 in the afternoon. I haven't had an alcohol free day for about 3 years.
I know people often blame their environment/their problems/their wife/their husband for their drinking. I'm not trying to do that. I need to find something positive in my environment. But, I won't deny the fact that I hate where I live and I pretty much hate my life. I never in a million years thought I would ever say something like that! I used to be so happy and energetic. I have not been the kind of person that would EVER say something like that. Most of my friends, who do not know I am an alcoholic, would be shocked to hear that statement from me. I'm a few years short of the age 60.
I am glad to find a site where people seem to be honest about themselves and talk about their victories as well as their defeats. I have a real roller coaster time of it-
Here's my story. Grew up with two alcoholic parents. My dad was the open drinker and got openly drunk, my mom kept the bottles hidden and got more discreetly drunk. Alcoholism on both sets of grandparent sides. All of us children are alcoholic so God knows if we are going into the 5th, 6th or 10th generation of drinkers, because I sometimes think the drinking has been passed down from generation to generation. Either through some inherited brain problem or just learned behavior.
All of my brothers are heavy drinkers. So am I. So that means that we are all alcoholics. Twins ten years older than me (now in their 60's) and a brother 2 years older than me, mid 50's. One of the twins has had some success with AA and a couple of years of sobriety, but he is clearly the second worst drinker. He has no teeth left.
Probably spent 25 years of his life drinking pure spirits like vodka on a daily basis.
The brother closest to me is the worst drinker. Two weeks ago, he was taken to the VA ER for the 2nd time in the last year for severe alcohol overdose and injuring himself by falling. He has mental illness issues and the mental illness hospital court said if they see him again, he will be committed. They are tired of seeing him at the VA ER and he has these episodes about two times a year. For the last 15 years.
My story is sort of a "lite version" of their's. I never drank like my brothers when I was a young adult. I didn't like "drinking" bars, I liked disco bars. I liked to be active and dance and hated the idea of sitting in a bar and just talking. I had different drinking patterns too. I knew I had "the problem", though. For a decade, I worked "swing shift" at a company, just so I could place an obstacle between myself and alcohol. It kept me away from the clubs and the drinking. Then I got married and my kids kept me busy.
I was no angel though, I did like heavy weekend drinking and remember many a morning making waffles for my kids with an exhausting hangover. But, still, I felt I had control and spent the majority of my days healthy and sober and feeling good.
Then we moved to another country and I couldn't find work. I was getting older, just about to hit that midlife crisis age, and my language skills were an issue. I had also been out of the job market for a few years and my skills were outdated. For the first time in my life, I had no job, nothing to do during the day and my kids were growing up and didn't need me anymore.
I noticed my drinking patterns changed then. I started drinking week nights. I started drinking weekend days as well as the nights.
That scared me. I went to a doctor and said: "I'm an alcoholic and need your help". She put me through a battery of tests. Said I was healthy. No liver probs. That was 10 years ago. I wonder what she would say today? I started with an alcoholic and substance abuse therapist. Started antibuse. I was determined to beat it. The most important moment of that time is when I told my husband I was an alcoholic. My therapist had been pushing for it and I finally did it. When I did it, it felt like the weight of the world was taken from my shoulders. I wasn't alone. He knew. It felt good. I asked him to help support me. I told him I can't have a liquor cabinet in the house. But, I know he likes his moderate and non-alcoholic sip of whiskey now and then. He is not a drinker. I bought a combination lock for the cabinet and gave him the key.
Then I had a few golden years. We moved to another country. I was happy there. I liked my life and found work. I continued with the antibuse, made a sporty friend and spent my weeks exercising. I did start drinking again eventually, but only on weekends. I became a moderate drinker again.
We moved back "home" again (not the states), I couldn't get a job, I was now even older and even more unattractive as a job candidate. The hours of the day loomed before me. I started out with 2.8% beer. I kept telling myself the beer was a placebo, not "really" alcohol, and my stomach ballooned. For a couple of years, I didn't get drunk, you really can't with that kind of low alcohol stuff, and, I finally began to find work. Things were sort of okay for a while.
But, in the last two year, I haven't found any work. And, my self esteem is zero. And I am doing it again. But, I've moved on from the 2.8% beers to the heavier stuff. Once again, I see a deterioration, a plunge of my drinking from not good to worse. Much worse.
I finally decided to do volunteer part time work without pay and that has helped me feel like a slightly normal human being again. But, it's sort of a bandaid on a broken leg.
Today I must have visited a dozen online alcohol therapy websites. But the cravings were screaming in my ear. I broke down and bought a few bottles of beer. Around 1 in the afternoon. I haven't had an alcohol free day for about 3 years.
I know people often blame their environment/their problems/their wife/their husband for their drinking. I'm not trying to do that. I need to find something positive in my environment. But, I won't deny the fact that I hate where I live and I pretty much hate my life. I never in a million years thought I would ever say something like that! I used to be so happy and energetic. I have not been the kind of person that would EVER say something like that. Most of my friends, who do not know I am an alcoholic, would be shocked to hear that statement from me. I'm a few years short of the age 60.
I am glad to find a site where people seem to be honest about themselves and talk about their victories as well as their defeats. I have a real roller coaster time of it-
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Littlefish,
I'm so glad that you found us - welcome to SR.
I don't know what I could possibly add to your post - you are obviously well informed with regards to alcoholism, and you recognize the pattern that you have again fallen into.
If you're an alcoholic of my type, you know that complete abstinence is necessary to achieve any measure of 'success'.
You didn't mention AA - or maybe you did. Forgive me if that's the case. And you didn't mention spirituality/God/Higher Power. I mention these two things because they are both absolutely vital to my sobriety and spiritual condition.
That's all I will share for now - I especially wanted to welcome you here. Please keep posting. Wonderful place, this.
Rowan
I'm so glad that you found us - welcome to SR.
I don't know what I could possibly add to your post - you are obviously well informed with regards to alcoholism, and you recognize the pattern that you have again fallen into.
If you're an alcoholic of my type, you know that complete abstinence is necessary to achieve any measure of 'success'.
You didn't mention AA - or maybe you did. Forgive me if that's the case. And you didn't mention spirituality/God/Higher Power. I mention these two things because they are both absolutely vital to my sobriety and spiritual condition.
That's all I will share for now - I especially wanted to welcome you here. Please keep posting. Wonderful place, this.
Rowan
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Hi Littlefish,
Welcome and I'm glad you found us!
I'm glad you are seeking help and please know that things can get much better for you. Alcohol is a depressant and your mood may improve once you stop drinking. Doing volunteer work is a really good idea. I started volunteering when I stopped drinking and it really made me step outside of myself and see the world in a different way.
Take a look around and keep reading and posting.
Welcome and I'm glad you found us!
I'm glad you are seeking help and please know that things can get much better for you. Alcohol is a depressant and your mood may improve once you stop drinking. Doing volunteer work is a really good idea. I started volunteering when I stopped drinking and it really made me step outside of myself and see the world in a different way.
Take a look around and keep reading and posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Thanks everyone. I think I will stick around for a while. It occurred to me that I don't talk to ANYONE about my problem. I tried AA and didn't like it and don't have a higher power, I am an athiest, so I am a tough customer in that department. But, I like the discussions I see here and the variety of approaches so I think I will find a lot of support here by just talking about that big elephant in my livingroom that I have been ignoring for a long, long time.
Rock-chalk-jayhawk..
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: kansas
Posts: 170
hello littlefish. and welcome! what a great writer you are. i could really visulize what you were talking about. i wish i had them skills 
n e ways you know what you gotta do. i know its hard to stop drinking but sounds like you have done it befor. sounds like a little bit of depression too. do you take anything for that? i wish i could offer more and better advice but im glad you found us. keep coming back and let us know how your doing...jason
n e ways you know what you gotta do. i know its hard to stop drinking but sounds like you have done it befor. sounds like a little bit of depression too. do you take anything for that? i wish i could offer more and better advice but im glad you found us. keep coming back and let us know how your doing...jason
tangled up in blue
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
I have a real roller coaster time of it-
It occurred to me that I don't talk to ANYONE about my problem. I tried AA and didn't like it and don't have a higher power, I am an athiest, so I am a tough customer in that department.
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