Newly sober (and gratefull!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Rancho Cordova, CA
Posts: 12
Newly sober (and gratefull!)
Hello all! I have to admit, I've never posted on a forum before, so bear with me...
First off, I'd like to introduce myself as a recovering alcoholic & addict. I now have 5 solid days of sobriety under my belt (woo-hoo!) and am working on my 6th. I have a little story to tell, and would appreciate any comments or feedback on my situation.
I have been drinking off & on for 9 years now. Only in the past few years has it become a problem. I would get in frequent fights with my now ex-husband, vomit nearly every time, and most recently became one of those pass-out, black-out drunks. The person I have been seeing for the past year refused to be around when I was drinking. he said that the line between me drinking and being drunk was very, very fine. I apparently would "check out" on these evenings, becoming someone else. I never noticed, but everyone else did. I would off & on "gain control" of my alcohol abuse, but then get back into the binge drinking I was so accustomed to. I am sure this is quite a common occurence for most alcoholics.
About a week and a half ago I moved back to the Sacramento area, where I had grown up, from Colorado. I began hanging out with a new circle of friends who I knew were heavy drinkers & recreational drug users, but I thought I had myself under control. WRONG! The 3rd night of being back, I smoked meth. This was my DOC 9 years ago, and I had been avoiding it like the black plague since. My b/f at the time said that although we were going to his tweeker friend's house, it would be OK because he wouldn't let me do it, which was OK with me since I knew I wouldn't ask for it. Unfortunately, he made the choice to hand me the pipe, and I spent the rest of the night & much of the next day spun out of my mind. This was Sunday night. Monday I spent the whole day sick as a dog, vomitting, crying, unable to focus on any one thought for more than a few seconds. Baaaaad day.
Tuesday I went to a house party with him & a few of our friends. I, as usual, got blasted, drove our friends home, and went back for more booze. After making out with multiple people I did not know, having jewelry stolen from me (and almost my purse for that matter), we drove home. No, I do not remember that drive at all.
Then comes Wednesday. Wednesday was the day it all broke for me. We met up with some friends, got a bottle of rum, and headed to the park, where we were chased off by the threat of cops being called. We headed to our friend's house and proceeded to drink in the driveway. Here is the last of my solid memory: sitting in the driveway, sharing the bottle of rum with my b/f's fiance (don't ask- long story), and him coming outside to tell us it was time to go. That's it. I get flashes of driving wild, laughing as I sped through red lights at high traffic intersections, and intentionally hitting light poles and a fire hydrant. I remembered none of this the next morning, and only got some memories back upon asking him what in the holy hell happened, and him informing me that I was trying to kill them with my car. I recall her curled up in a ball on the sidewalk, crying her eyes out as he shouted something at me, slammed the door, and I sped off. Now, thank God someone was looking out for me, because shortly after getting on the freeway, my clutch gave out & I was unable to drive any further. It was, in my opinion, the most miraculous thing that could have happened. My friend came and got me, and we left my car on the side of the freeway (overnight, no less), to thankfully find that it was still there for the tow truck and clutch shop the next morning.
Now, I have to say, this is not like me AT ALL! I am not a dangerous person, I do not put others in danger, and I am not quite THAT crazy. But I believe that due to all my recent stress & the combination of WAY too much alcohol, I mentally snapped. The funny thing is, I remember emotions & thoughts with the flashes of images, and most of this drive to me was a video game (I really thought it was!)- a fun time. I really didn't think I would harm anyone. I was doing it all on purpose, and once I was no longer TRYING to run into things, I had back control of my car (well, as much control as you can with a slow reaction speed).
I have been counting my blessings that I did not kill any pedestrians, crash into any other cars, or do any physical damage to my passengers (although they obviously will not talk to me now). I was lucky in that all that was wrong with my car was a destroyed bumper & a dead clutch (thanks to whoever had my back that day).
The whole next day was awful. I have never been so suicidal in my life. I just wanted to remove myself as a burden to my friends & society. Then I took a walk, thought things over thoroughly, and decided that the only way to make it up to everyone was not to just take, take, take then leave. No, I had to do things to redeem my life.
I have now been accepted to college, have my car back & fixed, have done my best to straighten things out with my now ex-boyfriend & his fiance, and began working. Yes, all this in a week and a half.
I suppose I don't really know why I felt the need to post all this on here. Maybe I'm looking for advice or kudos, or maybe I hope someone will read it and it will give them some sort of inspiration. Anyway, I appreciate your taking the time to read this, and good luck to each of you on your journeys!
First off, I'd like to introduce myself as a recovering alcoholic & addict. I now have 5 solid days of sobriety under my belt (woo-hoo!) and am working on my 6th. I have a little story to tell, and would appreciate any comments or feedback on my situation.
I have been drinking off & on for 9 years now. Only in the past few years has it become a problem. I would get in frequent fights with my now ex-husband, vomit nearly every time, and most recently became one of those pass-out, black-out drunks. The person I have been seeing for the past year refused to be around when I was drinking. he said that the line between me drinking and being drunk was very, very fine. I apparently would "check out" on these evenings, becoming someone else. I never noticed, but everyone else did. I would off & on "gain control" of my alcohol abuse, but then get back into the binge drinking I was so accustomed to. I am sure this is quite a common occurence for most alcoholics.
About a week and a half ago I moved back to the Sacramento area, where I had grown up, from Colorado. I began hanging out with a new circle of friends who I knew were heavy drinkers & recreational drug users, but I thought I had myself under control. WRONG! The 3rd night of being back, I smoked meth. This was my DOC 9 years ago, and I had been avoiding it like the black plague since. My b/f at the time said that although we were going to his tweeker friend's house, it would be OK because he wouldn't let me do it, which was OK with me since I knew I wouldn't ask for it. Unfortunately, he made the choice to hand me the pipe, and I spent the rest of the night & much of the next day spun out of my mind. This was Sunday night. Monday I spent the whole day sick as a dog, vomitting, crying, unable to focus on any one thought for more than a few seconds. Baaaaad day.
Tuesday I went to a house party with him & a few of our friends. I, as usual, got blasted, drove our friends home, and went back for more booze. After making out with multiple people I did not know, having jewelry stolen from me (and almost my purse for that matter), we drove home. No, I do not remember that drive at all.
Then comes Wednesday. Wednesday was the day it all broke for me. We met up with some friends, got a bottle of rum, and headed to the park, where we were chased off by the threat of cops being called. We headed to our friend's house and proceeded to drink in the driveway. Here is the last of my solid memory: sitting in the driveway, sharing the bottle of rum with my b/f's fiance (don't ask- long story), and him coming outside to tell us it was time to go. That's it. I get flashes of driving wild, laughing as I sped through red lights at high traffic intersections, and intentionally hitting light poles and a fire hydrant. I remembered none of this the next morning, and only got some memories back upon asking him what in the holy hell happened, and him informing me that I was trying to kill them with my car. I recall her curled up in a ball on the sidewalk, crying her eyes out as he shouted something at me, slammed the door, and I sped off. Now, thank God someone was looking out for me, because shortly after getting on the freeway, my clutch gave out & I was unable to drive any further. It was, in my opinion, the most miraculous thing that could have happened. My friend came and got me, and we left my car on the side of the freeway (overnight, no less), to thankfully find that it was still there for the tow truck and clutch shop the next morning.
Now, I have to say, this is not like me AT ALL! I am not a dangerous person, I do not put others in danger, and I am not quite THAT crazy. But I believe that due to all my recent stress & the combination of WAY too much alcohol, I mentally snapped. The funny thing is, I remember emotions & thoughts with the flashes of images, and most of this drive to me was a video game (I really thought it was!)- a fun time. I really didn't think I would harm anyone. I was doing it all on purpose, and once I was no longer TRYING to run into things, I had back control of my car (well, as much control as you can with a slow reaction speed).
I have been counting my blessings that I did not kill any pedestrians, crash into any other cars, or do any physical damage to my passengers (although they obviously will not talk to me now). I was lucky in that all that was wrong with my car was a destroyed bumper & a dead clutch (thanks to whoever had my back that day).
The whole next day was awful. I have never been so suicidal in my life. I just wanted to remove myself as a burden to my friends & society. Then I took a walk, thought things over thoroughly, and decided that the only way to make it up to everyone was not to just take, take, take then leave. No, I had to do things to redeem my life.
I have now been accepted to college, have my car back & fixed, have done my best to straighten things out with my now ex-boyfriend & his fiance, and began working. Yes, all this in a week and a half.
I suppose I don't really know why I felt the need to post all this on here. Maybe I'm looking for advice or kudos, or maybe I hope someone will read it and it will give them some sort of inspiration. Anyway, I appreciate your taking the time to read this, and good luck to each of you on your journeys!
Rock-chalk-jayhawk..
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: kansas
Posts: 170
first off i want to say hello and congrats on making a big change in your new life. i read your post. wow that sounds like a hell of a week. i was hooked on coke a long time ago. it was about 10 years befor i grabbed the pipe again and started useing. but you know what. after 9 years it was like i never stopped. all the crap and problems seems to come to a head again. dont ever think your safe around drugs. you can pick up right where you left off. and prob this time it will be even worse. sounds like you NEED to find new friends for sure. you will never completely get sober when you hang around people who drink and use. you will just be kidding yourself. believe me ive done the same. your not alone here. from your post it sounds like you live a care free life. nothing wrong with that as long as you stay sober. and for the driving. please look at this as a warning. you could have killed someone or yourself. how would you feel if you were just venting and driving crazy and suddenly you kill a familly. maybe a few kids and parents. how would you feel? think about that. because if you keep this up your odds of that happening will increase and i wish that on nobody. you may have dodged the bullet this time. make sure there isnt a next time. im not trying to be mean. no no not at all. ive just been there when ive woke up and didnt know how i got home or if i wrecked my new truck. its a scary feeling that no one should go threw. as for the 5 days sober that is fantastic. i dont know you but im proud of you. thats a big deal and you should be proud. you are on the right path. and you found a great place here. please come back and tell us how your doing. i wish you the best....jason
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi and Welcome,
That was quite a week! I am so glad that you found us and have decided to make changes in your life. It's a hard decision to make, to stop drinking, but it will be worth it.
My suggestion would be to think about changes you will need to make in your life in order to stay sober. The most obvious to me sounds like the friends/socializing aspect of your life. For me, I couldn't be around people who were drinking for quite a long time. I just couldn't.
There is lots of support and inspiration here, so keep posting.
That was quite a week! I am so glad that you found us and have decided to make changes in your life. It's a hard decision to make, to stop drinking, but it will be worth it.
My suggestion would be to think about changes you will need to make in your life in order to stay sober. The most obvious to me sounds like the friends/socializing aspect of your life. For me, I couldn't be around people who were drinking for quite a long time. I just couldn't.
There is lots of support and inspiration here, so keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Rancho Cordova, CA
Posts: 12
topetah~ Thank you for your feedback & advice.
I felt the exact same way that night I did meth. Then and the whole next day, as sick as I was, all I wanted was more. That was all I could think of- my brain just would NOT let it go. It was quite scary. I intend to stay far, far away from it in the future. Yet another reason to go back to Colorado- my entire family is either tweekers or alcoholics.
I understand where you’re coming from on the fact that I could have killed a family. I think that is what freaked me out the most the next morning- the fact that I HADN’T killed anyone was a miracle, and I felt sooooo bad for it. This is the reason I found it most urgent to quit drinking. If I could not control my actions or thought process while intoxicated, even for super dangerous things, I will NOT intake ever again.
Thanks for the support!
I felt the exact same way that night I did meth. Then and the whole next day, as sick as I was, all I wanted was more. That was all I could think of- my brain just would NOT let it go. It was quite scary. I intend to stay far, far away from it in the future. Yet another reason to go back to Colorado- my entire family is either tweekers or alcoholics.
I understand where you’re coming from on the fact that I could have killed a family. I think that is what freaked me out the most the next morning- the fact that I HADN’T killed anyone was a miracle, and I felt sooooo bad for it. This is the reason I found it most urgent to quit drinking. If I could not control my actions or thought process while intoxicated, even for super dangerous things, I will NOT intake ever again.
Thanks for the support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Rancho Cordova, CA
Posts: 12
51anna~ Yes, I am deffinitely changing my social scene. Gratefully, I have friends who also do not drink or have agreed not to drink around me. Those are who I will be spending my time with. Now I just have to find sober activities to share with my drinking friends.... 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
welcome to sr, climbing out......i'm glad you found us, and i hope you keep posting......this place is full of kind, compassionate people who know what you are going through.......good luck to you.....
ayla
ayla
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