topetah

seems i cant do it myfriends. i had almost 20 days sober yet again and now im back on day two. started off last friday. i had the whole weekend alone to do nothing. i was lonely i guess. so i started to drink some malt liq. soon after that i had a craving for some coke. my friday turned out to be two days of drinking and drugging again. sunday came and i told myself no more! but i was feeling so crappy i drank some beer to numb the pain. stupid i know. no one made me do this i did it on my own. im thinking this is never going to stop. i spent too much money. gonna get paid back half on friday from a friend who i was partying with but that doesnt take away the pain. i spent my car tag money on dope. now i dont have tags for my ride untill my buddy pays me back this friday. why did i do that. waist money i knew i had to spend on my car. im so stupid! who knows if i will ever get totally sober one day. i keep trying tho. guess thats all we can do. im tired of always letting myself down. but im getting pretty good at it tho witch scares me also. life sucks right now. but im dealing with it sober today.

NYCGirl

I have many day two's I just never told anyone... If I had a dollar for every time I said enough is enough....

.... after almost 10 months I still prayer i never see another day 2...

Just keep trying... maybe something different this time, though I ahve kept my life pretty much the same... still enjoying concerts, parties etc... I now avoid all of my "toxic friends" they were really only party buddies anyway!

parentrecovers

hey topetah - i admire you for seeing and admitting the consequences you are suffering from this week's drinking/using. i think your days of recovery shows through that. you can do this. just don't give up, or quit reaching out for support. blessings, k

escape2day

i think the 20 day part is awesome!!! how did you do that??? was there some things or thoughts that you did or had in those 20 days to keep you going?
applause for getting in 20 days and applause for hoppin back on the wagon!!

Dom

20 days is proof enough that you CAN do it. Don't worry about the numbers, begin to live the program, and the days will take care of themselves.

topetah

i do so good at first. but then when i dont have my son for a couple days i feel the need to drink because im so lonely. i have had thoughts about when i do wanna drink do some push ups, go for a walk, get in shape instead of waisting away. that sounds like a good plan. if you have the urge to drink/use go work out. get those thoughts outta your head while you improve your body. thats my plan now. i have always thought of doing positive things while im sober and now im gonna get off my lazy a§§ and really do it. or atleast try. its the lonelyness that gets me every time. thats why i keep going back to drinking and drugging.

escape2day

i live by myself (and my 2 furbabies) so i really understand about the loneliness part. and also when i'm by myself there's no one to say anything about how much i'm drinking.
it helps me to come here and post and communicate with other people--that helps the lonely part some for me.

Hope

Keep on going forward. Learn from it and put down that 2X4. Don't beat yourself up anymore.

Today is a new day!

Wind

When you were a baby learning to walk, you fell hundreds of times. You weren't harsh with yourself then were you? Become like the child again, just rise up and try it again. If you fall again, repeat the process. Soon, you will get tired of the spills and walk. Blessings.
~Wind

Aysha

Jason..You said it yourself already. Keep trying. Although the numbers sound good...today is all we really have. You'll get it eventually..I know you will. You still have the right idea in wanting to keep moving forward. So just focus on the here and now. We are not collecting numbers. We are seeking recovery. There are people with years under their belts that still struggle.
So when it comes down to it...numbers are really only numbers.
You willingness to keep moving forward is what will eventually get you on the right path. I respect that you can still think that way even after slipping.
I have always said " I may never get anywhere.But I will never quit."
Never quit trying to quit.

mimi54321

""i was lonely i guess. so i started to drink some malt liq. soon after that i had a craving for some coke.""

I TOTALLY understand this. I could go a week drinking and doing coke every day, dreading the come down so carrying on. And shutting myself off from everyone apart from the people that would come and do it with me.

Boredom is a difficult thing to deal with, especially when there is no-one there to judge you (except yourself). Like everyone else says, don't be harsh on yourself, congratulations on 20 days - I'm only on Day 8!

What is helping me is posting on here, going to AA and NA as much as possible and yes, trying to learn to take care of myself, something that is an alien concept right now.

Give yourself a break, so you messed up a bit. Brush yourself off and keep going, the more times you stumble the less likely you are to do it again. Try keeping a journal of your feelings when you are doing good and look back on them if you feel tempted to get wrecked again.

Anyway, good luck, I only dream for 20 days sober, so you're doing so well

M x

Rowan

Be really careful distracting yourself with working out instead of using - I speak from experience - my first time in I got away from meetings, and decided it was time to work on my body instead. Sure, it was a great outlet (and is today) but it can't replace recovery. Are you going to meetings? Do you have an addictions counsellor? Do you have any clean friends you can hang out with? You've got to take steps so that when you're lonely or bored, you've got something there to hang on to. You've proven that you can't do this alone. I understand that you are discouraged, but if getting clean and sober is your priority, you will make whatever sacrifices are necessary.

Rowan

Aysha

I also think you should consider moving from that area if at all possible. Do you have other family around? That is what has been helping me alot. I was never open to them baout my use. I also hid it from tjem except my grams. But noe they all know and I talk about it frequently with them. It helps to open up and let them know you need support.

kb615sb

Great advice around here...I agree..I had to dump all theold friends...can not hang with the friend sthat want to get high or drunk..stay away from the old places and just work on sobriety.....so when you were alone why did you not look for a meeting or a soberfriend? do you have either?

You did 20 days that is great....concentrate on what you can do and brush off the mistake......

Tazman53

You know Topetah as someone else already said put the stick down and quit beating yourself up, if you are an alcoholic like me you have a disease!

I spent 10 years trying to quit and all I did was succeed in going from being drunk to hating myself and getting drunk and hating myself for getting drunk and then getting drunk and then........ you get the picture!

I finally did as so many other alcoholics finally do, I admitted that I could not stop drinking by myself.

Topetah do you have a face to face support group?

I do AA.

Topetah do you have a phone list of people you can call 24 X 7 when you feel like using?

I have my AA network, fellow alcoholics that are sober that I can call any time.

Topetah do you have a mentor/sponsor to help you with your program and to just call and BS with if you want to?

I do in AA.

Topetah do you go to meetings with fellow users and alcoholics?

I go to AA meetings at least 4 times a week and more if I am lonely or feel like drinking?

Topetah do you work with other alcoholics to help them get or stay sober?

I do in AA, it helps me stay sober.

AA does not cost a dime, there are no rules and the only requirement to join is a desire to stop drinking.

You do not have to be sober or clean to go to meetings, all you have to do is show up, if you do not want to say anything don't.

Topetah you are not alone, there are support programs out there to help you get and stay sober, I use AA because it has helped more alcoholics get and stay sober then all other programs combined, but all of the support programs work if you are willing to work the programs.

If you are really willing to do the work a recovery program ask of you to quit drinking then I strongly urge you to find one.

stone

I like that! Hi Tope, I know exactly how you feel bud. Keep trying, it is all we can do.