angie9

what the hell is wrong with me Im a bloody loser I want to give up on everything !!
I have well and truely fallen off the wagon with two bottles of wine and then I had a couple of glasses of rum!! Its every second night and the way Im going Im going to lose my kids !! Im so dam angry with myself I just want to run run away from this dreadful person I have become I despise me!! Im going to a AA meeting this thursday with hubby as I havent being there for three months and yes I need to go back. Why the hell cant I not see it that I cant have any alcohol none at all. Im feeling sorry for myself which is fustrating I put the dam booze in my mouth no one else does. What is terrifying is the fact tomorrow when I feel better Ill be wanting to drink again.
Sorry for rambling just wanted to tlak to people that knew what I was going through.
Ang

LeftBehind

It's just my opinion but the fact you care so much is really good imho on many levels (even though it hurts). Your conscience, feelings, and intellect are working like their supposed to. That's all good.

I'm not the best person or most experienced to offer advice so I just want to say simply that God loves you despite your addiction and compulsive behavior. Your post shows that you care deeply about yourself and your family. Awesome. Keep working toward the goal. Keep seeking the solution. Ask God to help you regularly and never ever give up. This alcoholism is a sneaky thief who wants to rob us. But God is more powerful than the sneak thief. That's why God is recognized in the program (even if people don't know who He is). Try a different meeting. Try Celebrate Recovery. Mix it up. You are worth it. Peace.

Dee74

Angie,
I've tried and failed and tried and failed for 15 years...I would always never ever admit I had a problem - 'This time I can control, this time I can cut back' - I didn't want to be different, I didn't want to have a problem...and so, I got so deep, I'd drink til I got sick, then as soon as I was well, back I'd go....

You're not a loser...by your post, you know you're doing yourself no favours...and you're not a horrible person...you're just locked into a behaviour pattern that's bloody hard to break...but I sincerely believe we can do it.

I'm on day 12 of being sober...I can barely remember another 12 days when I was off the booze, except if I was sick or injured or too poor to buy alcohol or whatever...this place has helped me a lot. Finally I feel as if there are folks out there who understand, and I finally feel as if I don't have to try and beat this alone.

my thoughts and very best wishes go with you - hope you post some more
D

angie9

thankyou so very much for the lovely lovely words.
Ive being battling this horrible problem for over 12 years and Im nearly 40 well actually next week.
Trouble is I have 0 self esteem and well drinking made me feel like I was another person are more confidant person ( yeah right a idiot!! more likely)
ond day at a time so very very true
Ang

Dee74

Best wishes for the 40th Angie...facing that myself in a couple of months...

I know exactly what you mean about no self esteem and how alcohol seems to fix that...only thing is, as you said, it doesn't...it only seems that way...it's part of the devious way alcohol can work on you...part of the process that fools us and keeps us coming back...

and, hey, even if it did actually work, it'd still be too high a price to pay with the other crap addiction brings. Trying to fix self -esteem with alcohol is just so self-defeating, because in the end all alcohol abuse makes you do is hate yourself.

hang in there -
D

angie9

Tnanks Dee what gets me scares me is I know in the next few days Ill be wanting to drink just dont have that switch to stop drinking. Why oh why couldnt I have a cigarette addiction at least you dont hurt other people and what hacks me off is that I love the taste of wine so I drink beacause I enjoy it . Ill lurk here as it makes me feel better just really wanting to go and sit with somebody at the moment ( home alone with the children no booze in the house thank goodness) feel very empty

Dee74

I didn't have a switch either...but eventually I'd gotten to a place where everything piled up - I'd lost everything - friends, family, love, job - and I was constantly sick, blacking out and/or falling over and hurting myself. I used to love drinking...by the end, I hated the taste, but still had to do it....

I came here, read all the great posts, and finally admitted I was an alcoholic (like I couldn't have worked that out LOL but no, I was a just 'heavy drinker'....) it was simply try to quit...and *really* try, or fall deeper and deeper into places I just didn't want to go...


It's a hard one - booze was a big part of my life - I haven't quite worked out how to fill it completely yet - this place helps, but you can't sit in front of a computer all day...thank goodness most of my old friends have come back since I admitted my problem...I feel very lucky...

hang in there Angie
D

parentrecovers

prayers to you, angie9. glad to hear you're going to make a mtg. blessings, k

Golfman

Angie,

You stated the solution to your problem in what you wrote above. Read it again!!!!!! Now, read it again!!!!!! The solution to your problem is right in front of you. I've not know anyone who has consistently gone to AA, worked the twelves steps of AA, and enlarged their spiritual relationship with their Higher Power that has now stayed sober.

Simple, but not easy. Go, go, go...again, and again, and again. Go every day...no matter what. "If you want what we have and are willing to go to ANY length to get it." The question remains..."Are you willing to go to ANY length it?" If so, you WILL get it.

Your friend in sobriety,
Ed

wiscgirl30

(((hugs))))