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Old 04-11-2007, 08:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
KC1
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I am a total loser.........


Well, I have to admit. I am a total loser. I have let you all down. I do not deserve to be a member of these boards.

I write to you as I sit here "sipping" my 2nd glass of chardonnay. Ready to go on to the 3rd glass. What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop? I was doing so well..........My husband does not support this idea that I drink too much at all. HE bought us a bottle of chardonnay to go with our dinner and here I sit. Yes, I know, it is not his fault. I did not HAVE to drink it, but I did. I poured the first glass as well as the second glass and soon to be third glass. This is no one's fault but my own. I am so very sorry.

I am sorry for letting you all down. I know you have all been here, done that..........and you have all supported me the past week or so. I am so very sorry.

I did find out that the painting I bought last week in my drunken stupor/blackout is hideous. Our CEO (whose a$$ I grabbed while drunk) came over to talk to me today, to see how I was doing, and said he heard that I had "won" the painting. He asked me if I remembered what I bid on and I truthfully told him I did not. He said he did and it is a painting of a bi-plane flying over a cornfield. What the fu**?????????

This is such a dreadful disease. I hope that when I bring the painting home (now happening on Tuesday instead of tomorrow), that it is SO hiddeous that I put it right in my bedroom where I can see it every single day.

For now, I remain a hopeless alcoholic who hopes to recover one day soon. I hope you can all forgive me. I will keep trying. I need to and want to. I won't waste your time as you are all strong and trying to recover. I'll come back when I think I am ready for good..........it's just not now......unfortunately. God Speed.

KC (big time loser)
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You are NOT a loser, we are a group of people with an evil disease....sometimes we fall....brush yourself off and try again. It is when we quit quitting that we fail...please give youself a break. Possibly you can put that third glass down the drain and get some sleep...tomorrow will be better....hugs to you ((((KC1))))

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Old 04-11-2007, 08:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Well, I have to admit. I am a total loser. I have let you all down. I do not deserve to be a member of these boards.

I write to you as I sit here "sipping" my 2nd glass of chardonnay. Ready to go on to the 3rd glass. What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop? I was doing so well..........My husband does not support this idea that I drink too much at all. HE bought us a bottle of chardonnay to go with our dinner and here I sit. Yes, I know, it is not his fault. I did not HAVE to drink it, but I did. I poured the first glass as well as the second glass and soon to be third glass. This is no one's fault but my own. I am so very sorry.

I am sorry for letting you all down. I know you have all been here, done that..........and you have all supported me the past week or so. I am so very sorry.

I did find out that the painting I bought last week in my drunken stupor/blackout is hideous. Our CEO (whose a$$ I grabbed while drunk) came over to talk to me today, to see how I was doing, and said he heard that I had "won" the painting. He asked me if I remembered what I bid on and I truthfully told him I did not. He said he did and it is a painting of a bi-plane flying over a cornfield. What the fu**?????????

This is such a dreadful disease. I hope that when I bring the painting home (now happening on Tuesday instead of tomorrow), that it is SO hiddeous that I put it right in my bedroom where I can see it every single day.

For now, I remain a hopeless alcoholic who hopes to recover one day soon. I hope you can all forgive me. I will keep trying. I need to and want to. I won't waste your time as you are all strong and trying to recover. I'll come back when I think I am ready for good..........it's just not now......unfortunately. God Speed.

KC (big time loser)

dear kc,
don't be too hard on yourself, there's always tomorrow.
we have a new start everyday.
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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OK. I dumped the third glass down the drain and am going to bed. I still feel like a total loser and a total a$$hole. What the fu** is wrong with me? I feel like I can beat this one moment and the next I am falling off the wagon so bad, I can't see straight. I hate this right now. But I just can't stop. The wine is screaming my name. ONe more won't hurt. Just try one more. You can do it. God tells me you have all been there, done that. But how on earth did you stop? I do not want to end up 6 feet under because of booze!!!

One is too much, and one hundred is not enough. God help me and thank you all for your support. I will try to NEVER let you down again. Your pathetic friend,

KC
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Old 04-11-2007, 09:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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good on you for stopping, welcome back and sleep well

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Old 04-11-2007, 09:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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OK. I dumped the third glass down the drain and am going to bed. I still feel like a total loser and a total a$$hole. What the fu** is wrong with me? I feel like I can beat this one moment and the next I am falling off the wagon so bad, I can't see straight. I hate this right now. But I just can't stop. The wine is screaming my name. ONe more won't hurt. Just try one more. You can do it. God tells me you have all been there, done that. But how on earth did you stop? I do not want to end up 6 feet under because of booze!!!

One is too much, and one hundred is not enough. God help me and thank you all for your support. I will try to NEVER let you down again. Your pathetic friend,

KC

KC1,

Okay then, what would you like to do? Sit in your s**t because it's warm? Or stand up and be the beautiful lady that you are? Oh, you didn't know that? Well, you are, you just don't know it.

KC, GOD DOES NOT MAKE JUNK!!! YOU ARE NOT DEFECTIVE!!!!

Your hubby doesn't want to admit he's married to an alcoholic so he's trying to convince you you're not. By the way, you didn't let SR down, you simply let yourself down. But that's what we do. We let ourselves down and then feel that we don't deserve anything, or anyone.

Would you say a cancer patient doesn't deserve anything and is a loser? How about someone with diabetes? Of course not. KC, please know this, you have a disease, just like cancer. What's so incideous about this disease though is that no one understands it, everyone's embarassed about it, and no one wants to admit it. It's not socially acceptable. Yet how many "bluebloods" do you think have a substance abuse problem? How many CEO's do you think have a substance abuse problem? Scientific evidence says that somewhere between 20%-25% of the people have a substance abuse problem of some sort. That means that out of 10 CEO's, at least two are affected. Out of 20 people walking on the street, 4 or 5 are affected.

Give yourself a break. You haven't lost anything until you stop trying. But when you finally surrender, guess what, you win. Why, because that's when God can be most effective in your life. When you finally say...s**t, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." When you finally wave the white flag and say, "I give up." Then, and only then, will you begin your recovery. Until then, while you rely on yourself to keep you sober, you might as well p**s into the wind. And you better wear a raincoat cause you're get some on ya' for sure.

Your friend in sobriety,
steady eddie
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Old 04-12-2007, 12:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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man, KC, I don't believe *anyone* is a loser...but I've met a few folks who skid a whole lot closer to it than you do...

you're not hopeless, and you haven't let any down (outside yourself and your own expectations anyway)

it's tough, it's hard, and we've got this little part somewhere inside us that'll find any excuse, any reason, any rationalisation to drink...it's a long road to hoe, a long battle to fight, and we're all still on it, everyone of us.

I cahnged my sig recently - I really really believe it BTW - you *can't* lose if you're still in there fighting.

keep posting !
D
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Old 04-12-2007, 02:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi kc, you aren't a loser. You just have the same problem we all have, addiction.
Tomorrow is another day, it might be time to add something else to your rcovery like rehab or some sort of support group.
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Old 04-12-2007, 03:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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you're stronger than you think

KC....you're not a loser....and the only person you dissappointed is yourself....i feel like a pathetic loser every time i try to quit....i feel pathetic now,just knowing i allow the bottle to have such power over me.....it calls my name too.....every day.

i've been told that there is no shame in having any addiction.....the only shame comes from knowing you have the addiction,and choosing to do nothing to change it.....i never could've done what you did last night.....dumping out glass #3.....i could only dump out the last few drops left in the bottle from the night before......but i could NEVER stop myself after glass #2......so,you are already stronger than me......

i've been coming here every morning for a month now.....even when i was drinking....just to read the posts,and the advice.....so,don't stop coming here,even if all you do is read.....you pick up alittle strength from everyone else's stories...their sucesses and their dissappointments.....

today is a new day for you......for all of us.....i am two weeks sober now...and i am struggling every day too....keep intouch,ok?
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Old 04-12-2007, 05:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks for all of your kind words. I feel like sh** this morning, obviously. So I will start again. And yes, maybe it's time I tried to get some additional help with this, rather than going it alone. Bye for now.
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Old 04-12-2007, 05:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi KC,

As long as you keep trying, you can never be a loser.

What worked for me, was making plans and varying daily routines. Plan what you will do next time your husband brings home a bottle of wine. Work it out in your mind and stick with it. You can also change your daily routines. One of the things I did was simple. Right after dinnertime was a tough time for me. So, I quickly cleaned up the dishes and headed outside for a long walk. It worked wonders. You know that changing one thing leads to many other changes. Just change one thing.
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Old 04-12-2007, 06:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
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i've been told that there is no shame in having any addiction.....the only shame comes from knowing you have the addiction,and choosing to do nothing to change it.....i never could've done what you did last night.....dumping out glass #3.....i could only dump out the last few drops left in the bottle from the night before......but i could NEVER stop myself after glass #2......so,you are already stronger than me......today is a new day for you......for all of us.....i am two weeks sober now...and i am struggling every day too....keep intouch,ok?
What karrotop says goes ditto for me...in 15 years or so, I could *never* bear to tip any out...so you're ahead of me there too KC...oh, and hey karrotop, congrats on 2 weeks !! brilliant !

peace to both of you
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Old 04-12-2007, 06:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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keep coming back no matter what, KC
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Old 04-12-2007, 09:11 AM   #14 (permalink)
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not a loser, just challenged by a tough disease. hang in there, and keep posting! blessings, k
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Old 04-12-2007, 09:13 AM   #15 (permalink)
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KC

Like all the others have said before me, you are not a loser, a bad person...I have had to try and get that thought out of my mind many times.
Stand up and be proud-thats what people tell me who KNOW me despite my disease. I am sure you can be tenacious about other things in your life-try and be tenacious about not drinking. I know that when the wanting to NOT drink became stronger than the Want to drink, I was able to make the commitment.
I hate to hear you say that you are pathetic. You are NOT!

I would suggest reading an older thread on this forum site regarding quotes from "Beyond the Influence", a book that accurately describes what we go through-it will help you understand that this is not all in your head-well, in a way it is I guess-your brain chemistry is , in a kind way, Upset!! But what I mean is the quotes help one understand that this is not just a matter of self control-
I printed off some of these things to send to my mother and I hopnestly think she is starting to "get it".
Good luck-find an AA meeting and talk with someone. It will help immensely!
Melissa
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Old 04-12-2007, 09:24 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Well you'll have to fight for the loser title....I'm starting over today....I know exactly how you feel--expected someone to kick me out------apparently there is some wonderful people here.......YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE YOU"LL RUN INTO ONE OF GODS ANGELS..........Good luck.........
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Old 04-12-2007, 11:38 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Hi KC,

I've been here on & off for over a year, and refuse to consider myself a looser until I stop coming, stop caring, and resign myself to drinking all I want, whenever I want, until my liver explodes.

Recently, March was good, April, not so good so far, but I'm on day 2 here with lots of hope.

Stick around, we'll get it right someday soon.

S
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Old 04-12-2007, 12:56 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Glad you decided to stick around, KC. It wasn't so very long ago that I was where you are, and couldn't FATHOM the idea of living even one day without my booze. I understand that you want to be able to quit NOW and to stay stopped, but alcoholism is a disease and it's very difficult to do this using willpower alone.
And so you begin again - a little more cautious, and a little wiser, perhaps. We care, and will be here to support you.

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Old 04-12-2007, 02:57 PM   #19 (permalink)
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KC I am a loser................ a 2 time loser!!!!

I first lost my battle against alcohol, I drank for 40 years, the last 10 of those were spent trying to quit, I got tired of hating myself, I hated being weak and having to drink so I surrendered to alcohol.

Now let us skip forward a few months, everything was right at the point of blowing up in my face, I easily visualized my eventual lonely death and the hands of my 40 year love!!!

I once again surrendered, but this time I surrendered my pride, I gave up and understood this was the one battle I could not win alone! I had no idea what to do but I was willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober!

I put myself into detox, in detox they told me that if I wanted to have a chance at long term sobriety my best bet was to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor!

Well I did as they suggested because nothing else I had tried on my own had worked. Here it is now 205 days later, I have not had the urge or need to drink in almost 5 months, I am happier then I have been in over 30 years and my life did not blow up in my face!

I have my Higher Power, AA, the steps of AA, the fellowship of AA to thank for all of this.

You are not alone, AA will welcome you with open arms no matter if you are drunk or sober when you walk into the door, you do not have to do a thing to be a member except a desire to stop drinking, you do not have to pay for anything nor do you have to do anything.

You will find rooms full of people who will love you until you start to love your self, I do not care what you have done or how crazy you think you are, there is not a single person there that will judge you because they have been right where you are at now or worse.
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Old 04-12-2007, 06:59 PM   #20 (permalink)
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KC there are no losers here. Just us sickies trying to do a little better one day at a time. Please keep fighting trust me it gets better.
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