cant stop crying today
 

Hi everyone! I have a little more than 2 months clean and I have been doing fairly well without to many bouts of depression, but today I just cant get a grip. I have court again tomarrow and I am worried. I have already acceptred the fact that I have to face the consequences of my actions so I dont think it is that. I dont know what it is. It might be because a user friend of mine stopped over yesterday and we spoke for a little while and then she left, but that brief conversation kicked in thoughts of using. I think the realization of how vulnerable I am to relapsing is what is bothering me. I am also missing my non user friends that still want nothing to do with me. My best, best friend in the world has started to come around again after swearing she would never speak to me again, but other than her I have no contact with anyone else. I am also depressed because I have a guy I have been friends with for over 15 years now and I found out he has been using and not telling me which means I have to stay away. I have to cut him off and it is really bothering me. I have been talking to him on the phone and he keeps asking me to come visit and I want to, but I know it is the wrong thing to do. I am so torn over this and I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. If anyone has anything uplifting to say or any advice I could really use it.

Beth

Hi Beth,

I've been depressed today too - finally coming out of it.

2 months clean - well done. You seem to have a lot of people in your life who are still using and that must be very difficult. I'm impressed that you are ready to cut certain people off - your recovery is so worth it.

Do you go to any NA meetings? I go to AA myself, but they always help me to feel less lonely, and it's vital (for me) to connect with other drunks regularly.

I strongly suggest not talking to this guy on the phone anymore - sounds like he wants someone to use with.

Do whatever you need to do for yourself that is good for you - a nice hot bubble bath, a scented candle or two, a glass of cool water or hot cup of herbal tea, and just breathe. This is exactly what I had to do today, and I finally feel a little more grounded.

Tomorrow will be a better day, Beth. Just get through today as best you can.
Hang on to that precious clean time - you've worked hard for it.

Love, Rowan

I Know you are so right about my friend, but it is so hard. The friends I have cut off so far I havent known that long so it wasnt easy, but it didnt bother me as much as this situation. 15 years is a long time to be friends with someone and then just walk away. It is especially hard because his son died from an overdose and I know HE has never gotten over that, we went through that and many other things together and I am just as afraid of leaving him on his own as I am to hang with him. He has very few friends and I have always been there for him, I fear for his life. His health isnt very good and I was doing alot of things for him. I want to take care of him, but I know I have to take care of myself first. THIS IS SO HARD.

thinking about you, bfree - stay strong and just try to relax. blessings, k

I'll tell you what I was told, and that was that tears are good...
It means you are healing.....

I wasn't really pleased with that answer, and it wasn't what
I wanted to hear.... But you can feal again... That is good.
That means you can feel joy again, it will come.
New friends will come, good times, new memories......
With the bad also comes the good.... Just keep that in mind...

~ Recently I've been kind of house cleaning, I'm almost at
my year and a half mark, but still feel like I need changes
in my life, I'm not sure why, but I'm still letting go of friends,
not because of them being users, but just because I need change..
Reach out and grasp what's out there..... it's hard but new
things are always good.... It forces you to grow, and find out
who you are, find out different things about you....

Time to grow your wings Beth... You already are, Keep Flying....

Beth, you're right, it is hard, there is no question about it.

Sometimes getting through the stuff of life is just plain hard.

But, tomorrow will be better. I have days like that too, when it just seems like things are dark, but the light always shines again.

Hang in there Beth and keep reading and posting.

Good luck tomorrow Beth.

2 months clean is fantastic stuff, well done! Wow, you are doing great to get clean and stay sober for that amount of time! I know how hard it is and I know how hard it can sometimes feel to put recovery first but it is important because you're doing so well right now & have been so strong to get to where you are today. Hey, who knows what you could achieve if you keep at it? We all deserve & get another chance, in sobriety. We've been sick and have to keep taking our medicine which, I guess, for me, is meetings and sticking with people who are not using/drinking. Sometimes that don't taste so good, I know, hon but remember that you still have sweet hope right now.
I have to remember that I have hope now. I have hope all the while I don't pick up. The second I start again, that hope is gone.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

as someone else who's not feeling the best today, Beth, this quote is really
helping me today

Live in the present. Do the things that need to be done. Do all the good you can each day. The future will unfold.

little steps. Things'll be cool.

peacen'hugs
D

Hi Bfree..I really dont have too much to add because i have a hard time letting go of the ones I met while using. But I have known them for years and they are like family and goes beyond drug use. But they are lifers and they understand what I need to do. They are pulling for me but they get it.
As for old ones before using..I am just getting them back. They all say they thought I was dead. And things are going good so far. My one friend I grew up..we were inseperable then fell out because of me using. I just found her talked to her for the first time in 7 years. She is flyong me out to visit her in Sept.
So there is hope. Just give it time. And do what you need to for you.

Tears are a sign of strength not weakness. Once we allow ourselves to feel that is when we start to grow. I know it isn't easy at all Beth but look at it like this "If there isn't any pain than what would we gain!" So true that it takes pain for us to grow but if we look at it like a good thing than the other it makes it easier to deal with. I will keep you in my thoughts

With Love and Respect

Vic

Feelings and experiencing them are sure signs of healing and possibly growth.

Kevin

bfree..........it is so hard to cut off the people you care about....but your life is so important....i know it hurts, but it is dangerous for you to be around them, as you know.....

i hope tomorrow is a better day.....i hope your court date goes well for you, you are in my thoughts tonight......

hugs
ayla

Thanks for reinforcing what I already know I have to do.
I just dont know how to go about it. I want him to stop also, but by trying to help him puts me at risk.
Court was torture today. After 8 hours of waiitng in the court room and worrying about going to jail, not to mention the months of worrying before the court date they postponed the case. The day was STRESSFUL, and I had a few more crying bouts. When I left I thought about using but didnt. I didnt go to jail and didnt use so I guess I made it through for today.

Oh that is so frustrating for you. It seems so unfair to have to wait so long and then be told that it's postponed. But, you did great by getting through the day.

Sorry for your stress but I'm glad that you got through the day.

About your friend, always remember that you have to put yourself and your recovery first.

I'm proud of you sweetie.

congrats on making it through today Beth - sounded really tough. Sorry you had to go through that. My day was better today. Hope yours is tomorrow.

hugs'n'stuff
D

I woke up a little while ago. Last night was the firsr semi good nights sleep I have had in awhile. Sleep has been a staranger to me since I stopped taking my zanax. Feeling better than I have in the past 2 days. im off to work for a few hours. I will probably check in later. Hope everyone has a good day

I just responded to your reply on my post about cognetive behavioural thereapy. Just read this and wanted to say that your feelings are NORMAL! worrying about what may happen, or what if??? is very normal. the fact that you are facing your fears is awesome! let us know how court goes!

as for the friend.... well I had a male friend of 7 years ... he was always there for me. but he would feed my addiction. he wanted me to stay down and out so i 'needed' him. I eventually got rid of him, missed him dearly but it was about what I needed, and I needed to sort my life out and he was draggin me down and making me relapse so often.

Make the changes you need to to better yourself. Everyone else is big enough and ugly enough to look after there own crap.

it took me quite a few years to realise that I was people pleasing. Now I am self pleasing to get out of this horrid hole I have dug for myself with the addictions.

keep in touch!

misslisa