come ON
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 280
come ON
Hi All. I'm (obviously) new to this forum and thought I should introduce myself a bit - trying not to bore anyone...
"come ON" - This I say(shout) to myself every day. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I am incapable.
My mum was murdered in front of me when I was 11 - she was murdered. Taken away for no reason, that incident took away everything including my own being. I relive it daily, hourly, every minute. I can't come to terms with it even now and I'm 31. It took away my whole identity, I had no direction or point, all I knew was something hurt a lot and I did my best to escape from it at every possible opportunity.
Life is still a haze of pretence - pretending I'm ok, pretending there is nothing wrong, pretending all the time that I want to live, when to be honest I couldn't care less. I have had anorexia, bulimia, I'm an alcoholic, have been addicted to most drugs, legal and illegal, at some point. Alcohol has always been a constant though through it all. Most of my teens and 20's I can barely remember much, except drugs drink and sex.
I lost all sense of myself and to be honest I'm still not sure I've got it back. I'm lucky, I have a boyfriend who loves me (I think, although doesn't understand me), a sister that cares and a dad that I could not live without but if they were not there, if it would not hurt anyone else I would end it all today. The only reason I carry on is because of them, I don't want to ruin their lives too.
Anyway, if anyone out there suffers from the combination of alcoholism, bulimia and drugs (coke habit) I really need to hear from you. As much counselling as you like, no-one really gets it like someone else in the same state of mind. Please write me your story or anyone with advice I'd love to hear from.
Peace is all I want. M
"come ON" - This I say(shout) to myself every day. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I am incapable.
My mum was murdered in front of me when I was 11 - she was murdered. Taken away for no reason, that incident took away everything including my own being. I relive it daily, hourly, every minute. I can't come to terms with it even now and I'm 31. It took away my whole identity, I had no direction or point, all I knew was something hurt a lot and I did my best to escape from it at every possible opportunity.
Life is still a haze of pretence - pretending I'm ok, pretending there is nothing wrong, pretending all the time that I want to live, when to be honest I couldn't care less. I have had anorexia, bulimia, I'm an alcoholic, have been addicted to most drugs, legal and illegal, at some point. Alcohol has always been a constant though through it all. Most of my teens and 20's I can barely remember much, except drugs drink and sex.
I lost all sense of myself and to be honest I'm still not sure I've got it back. I'm lucky, I have a boyfriend who loves me (I think, although doesn't understand me), a sister that cares and a dad that I could not live without but if they were not there, if it would not hurt anyone else I would end it all today. The only reason I carry on is because of them, I don't want to ruin their lives too.
Anyway, if anyone out there suffers from the combination of alcoholism, bulimia and drugs (coke habit) I really need to hear from you. As much counselling as you like, no-one really gets it like someone else in the same state of mind. Please write me your story or anyone with advice I'd love to hear from.
Peace is all I want. M
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: uk
Posts: 104
welcome
i am so sorry that things have turned out like this for you, this forum is helping me i am alcoholic in the very early stages of trying too stop many more members will drop in soon with better advice than i can give hope things improve take care
i love that all i want is peace me too thanks sounds so calming the word peace
i love that all i want is peace me too thanks sounds so calming the word peace
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Hi Mimi..I am sorry to hear what happened to you. I couldnt even begin to imagine what that must be like.
This is a great place for understanding and support. Stick around. Glad you are here.
This is a great place for understanding and support. Stick around. Glad you are here.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome and Hello!
While my life has not had the same path as your...
and I am sorry for your pain...
I can absolutely tell you that addictions only harm.
Do you have a plan?
I use God + AA to live in the joy of recovery.
Blessings
While my life has not had the same path as your...
and I am sorry for your pain...
I can absolutely tell you that addictions only harm.
Do you have a plan?
I use God + AA to live in the joy of recovery.
Blessings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 280
Thanks for all your responses.
I am still drinking (and doing coke when I can) BUT I am going on a supervised detox of librium next week. I've confessed, given up to it, went to see our local Drug and Alcohol Support services. They have been brilliant, as scary as this is I need to do it and I so want to get out of this hell.
When did the normal functions of human survival turn their back on me? I look back and ahead and can't see....but right now when I look ahead I don't see anything except two crossroads:
1. Self-destruct to oblivion like I always have.
2. Change everything, and give myself some peace.
M xx
I am still drinking (and doing coke when I can) BUT I am going on a supervised detox of librium next week. I've confessed, given up to it, went to see our local Drug and Alcohol Support services. They have been brilliant, as scary as this is I need to do it and I so want to get out of this hell.
When did the normal functions of human survival turn their back on me? I look back and ahead and can't see....but right now when I look ahead I don't see anything except two crossroads:
1. Self-destruct to oblivion like I always have.
2. Change everything, and give myself some peace.
M xx
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmmm...I had my God before I started drinking
but drinking made me draw away from Him.
So...in sobriety I simply returned to the God of
my religion.
I have met many many AA members who started recovery
without an earlier spiritual connection.
They found a personal Higher Power
using the program of AA..
nothing to do with a religious sect.
I hope you will explore AA meetings
they help with understanding and support.
Blessings
but drinking made me draw away from Him.
So...in sobriety I simply returned to the God of
my religion.
I have met many many AA members who started recovery
without an earlier spiritual connection.
They found a personal Higher Power
using the program of AA..
nothing to do with a religious sect.
I hope you will explore AA meetings
they help with understanding and support.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
mimi
i find God in nature. There is a force which is awesome and much much greater than the human potential.
One example of a power greater than myself, that could be called God (or not, it doesnt matter) that is made evident in Nature is A lunar eclipse.
Try asking humans, even the brightest at NASA or the like, to co-ordinate the exact alignment at a precise moment in time and space, of 3 huge masses, each in constant yet variable motions, each with their own unique and powerful gravity and electro magnetic force fields. Try letting humans orchestrate the seasons, or the genesis of a life, be it animal, plant or mineral.
I find such beauty and wisdom in this force that it makes life worth living. I hope that you find your own connection to the divine purpose for your life, and that the suffering you have already experience opens your heart to loving yourself into sobriety.
I really do. Sending love~~
i find God in nature. There is a force which is awesome and much much greater than the human potential.
One example of a power greater than myself, that could be called God (or not, it doesnt matter) that is made evident in Nature is A lunar eclipse.
Try asking humans, even the brightest at NASA or the like, to co-ordinate the exact alignment at a precise moment in time and space, of 3 huge masses, each in constant yet variable motions, each with their own unique and powerful gravity and electro magnetic force fields. Try letting humans orchestrate the seasons, or the genesis of a life, be it animal, plant or mineral.
I find such beauty and wisdom in this force that it makes life worth living. I hope that you find your own connection to the divine purpose for your life, and that the suffering you have already experience opens your heart to loving yourself into sobriety.
I really do. Sending love~~
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi Mimi,
I do hope that you keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
It sounds like you have a good plan.
I also had moved far away from God for a long time, and I found, that in early recovery, I was able to find my faith again.
I do hope that you keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
It sounds like you have a good plan.
I also had moved far away from God for a long time, and I found, that in early recovery, I was able to find my faith again.
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