|
I need you to post here and keep on, if you give up then one day I could be here alone and I would not make it without others. Let people in, even I did :) Kevin |
Hey Pilgrim - We need you, no matter the state - Your post was so prophetic, it spoke to me, and I'm sure to others. Stay around, keep posting, let the SR family help you - help yourself TinLizzy |
steph, you're my dubsie....my friend, my sister......i love you unconditionally.....i love you drunk......i love you sober......i love you no matter what, because that's who i am.........i wish i had been here earlier......i'm really tired, sweetheart......so i don't have any grand words of wisdom....but i love you, that's all.....i love you because you are a wonderful women, mother, wife, friend, and yes, daughter.......i love you because you deserve it.....i love you because in this short time that i've known you i feel so close to you, and i don't open up to people easily at all.....i hide behind my humor and my advice......i know what it is to be closed off to people.....i was depressed and lonely from the time i was a very little girl.....i was verbally abused.......and physically abused by my brother.......it is terrifying for me to give my love to anyone because i have been hurt so much.... but i do, i really do love you........ |
I love you too Ayla. So much. This is new territory. I am not used to it and I hear you when you tell me you do not usually open up to people. You are my sister and dear friend too sweetie. I hope you are sleeping well. There are so many people I feel love for here on this site and who love me. I need to apologise to you and to everyone here for any worry I have caused. I have been selfish. I have realised tonight that the way to get through my pain is to stay here and keep helping. That is what will help me through. I am sorry that I drank. It was dumb and I didn't even like it. It made me feel quite sick quite fast. My body has healed a bit and I am back to not being able to cope with the stuff. I used my problems as an excuse. I am an alcoholic after all. Whoa - fancy that! I let my old self absorbed me and my old problems get in the way. I let my Mother get to me when what I should have done is stay here and stay close to you all. It is silly that I am all grown up and she can still do this to me. I asked someone today why, when I have such a strong protective shell, she can still hurt so much. He told me that my heart was never protected - just my head. I still wish with all my heart that she could see some good in me. I should have picked up the phone and rung for help. I should not have closed down. If I had done that, I would not have had a drink. I hope I have learnt. I have been looking desperately for so long for somewhere safe. I have been looking for a well that will not dry up on me. I haven't known where to turn. I went back to the old well with sweet water at the top and poison at the bottom. I drank the sweet water dry a long time ago but I keep thinking that the poison will quench my thirst. Which well do I drink from now? Last night alone I couldn't seem to find one that had any water in it. I didn't look hard enough. I am getting all weird now but you probably get my drift. I have not had a drink today. |
don't be sorry, sweetie......learn.....now you really know it's not worth it....it was a valuable experience for you if you use it and remember this feeling the next time you want to drink..... wrap yourself in your children.....they love you unconditionally, too.....and distance yourself from those toxic people in your life for a while....just don't take their calls....it's that simple......who they are and how they treat you is their problem...and whatever drama they try to stir up, if you must speak to them, just calmly say......i can't speak to you now....i can't be around you....for a while....i know it's hard...but you know it's necessary.........if you need anything....you know i'm here............ your mum is not going to change.......but you can change........and get the hell away from that toxic mess.......she sounds like she is jealous as hell of you......your life, your family, your self esteem, your success......your sobriety......and she will say things to ruin it.......to make you feel like she does.....she is miserable, and can't stand to see you trying to be happy.....i have an aunt just like her, she is like a mother to me, but i'm through with her.....i can't take it anymore......she is cruel and drunk and bitter, and i do not want a person like that in my life.........i love her, but i have to let her go, because she is so bad for me......and i can't change her, or make her care, make her nice........make her sober........so i choose not to watch her grow more bitter and angry and jealous.........those are her issues, and i don't want to deal with them.... well, still awake, sweets....but i'm off to bed, since it's already morning....don't worry, i'm ok......i've always been an insomniac........i get my rest.... hugs, and much love, and i'm so proud of you for your honesty, and the courage it took for you to come here and admit to your past and your slip....welcome back to day 1, honey......now you know what to expect.....so you have an even better chance this time! |
Yup - day 1. Sigh. I just can't stay away. You are my well now. I still want to make this work. Looks like you guys are stuck with me. Ha! |
good to see you posting Steph. Welcome back to a wonderful life of possibilities :) Kevin |
(((dubs'y))) |
Day 1 or day 1,000 it makes no difference steph. I honestly believe you are on the road to sobriety and peace of mind, that is what matters. I am glad we are stuck with you! :Val004: |
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
(Post 1262684)
I bring shame. That is my job. That way she can drink and feel better about hating me. The rest of the family believes her. Maybe I gave my poor famiy reason to worry. I was a mess and I still am. Who wouldn't be? I never went to jail, I never even had a parking ticket. I did well at school and never got detention. I raised 3 beautiful children who love me dearly. I built up a successful business. I work hard. I do. I just came back from a visit to my parents' house and I realized that even though my mother has a year and a half sober she is still exactly the same selfish manipulative tyrant I grew up with; she just doesn't drink now. My parents act like I'm this huge failure as a human being even though I have been nothing but successful. I graduated in the top 10 in my college, put myself through graduate school through fellowships and scholarships and graduated at the top of my class in both computer engineering. I moved to WA and worked for Microsoft where I was finally promoted to a senior architect in their operating systems division. I started my own company and finally retired at 28 years old with enough money to put myself through veterinary school so I could become a doctor when I grew up. I cringe every time my father says "someday you're really going to make something of yourself." I thought I already had Dad. He was my mother's enabler until things got out of control. (He used to buy her the first drink, talk about the family is sicker than the alcoholic!) When I started attending AA meetings he told me I shouldn't bother with it and just drink whenever I felt like it. Lately he seems to time his cravings for vodka with my arrival... and he doesn't drink. (Quote: "It was on sale and it looked good. Don't you like it?" Huh?) I guess the moral is: if your family is toxic to you then, treat them like the poison they are and go on a program of abstinence. Good luck to you. -e |
How are you going Steph? Kevin |
Pilgrim - Your posts have helped me sooo much. Stay strong . . We all can learn from our/others mistakes. Another Day 3 and Proud!! TinLizzy |
where the %&*( are you Steph? Hope your ok. Kevin |
ah silly me I see she has been around :D |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:25 AM. |