Today I am feeling really guilty
 

I tried to share at tonights NA meeting but no one called on me. So I decided to share here after I read 51Anna's post here saying "Anxiety and guilt can effect recovery", and I do not want this guilt to effect my recovery.

At the meeting I was going to say this: I'm Dominick and I am an addict. Today I feel extreme guilt. I feel as though I have not hurt myself (yet), but I cannot stop thinking about how I hurt my loved ones. I have hurt them more than I ever imagined. They cannot believe that their son, nephew, and grandson could be a heroin addict. Thanks for letting me share.

That's all I wanted to say! Some people go on, and on, and ON. Hehe. I do love going to meetings though.

Last wednesday we watched a video in my outpatient facility, and while watching the video I got a flashback, of seeing a very similar video in high school. That night before I went to sleep I cried. I remembered my life before drugs. I said to myself I would never touch drugs, they were very bad. I was slowly sucked into the life, I became an addict, and now that I have a clear head, I regret every moment of my use.

Just for today, I never have to use drugs again.

Dom,
I share you guilt. It consumes my body and soul, every day. I don't think I could ever forgive myself for all the pain and suffering I have caused my loved-ones. All I have is guilt and regrets. But I am finding hope in 34 days clean. Each day I have clean will heal myself and my loved ones.
Keep coming back!

(((Hugs)))

Had I been there ... I wold have told you

"All my gult left when I did Steps 4&5..
see if that works for you too

Thanks for sharing Dominick...You too can find peace"

Hi Dom..I have never been to a meeting before. But I can say this to you.
The past is the past. You cant change that. But here you are clean and sober I presume? You have possibilities in front of you and they are endless.

I am sure your family is very proud of you TODAY.
How will you ever get where you want to go when you keep looking back?

Let it go. Celebrate where you are NOW.

i agree with chiynita......i hope you can work on letting the guilt go.......guilt serves only one purpose, it holds you back......it doesn't effect the people you have hurt, except to hold you back from facing your issues with them and making ammends the best you can........letting go of it, knowing that each day you are sober you are farther away from being the person who did those things.....

hugs
ayla

Even though you didn't get to speak at your meeting, coming here tonight and sharing your thoughts speaks volumes about you and your character.

You have the power within yourself to change. You just need to believe it.

~ Michele

I agree!!!!! My biggest hang up when drinking was always thinking about the past. Once I realized how important it was to let go. To purge everything that happened before, with anything, allowed me to think "future" rather than being stuck on "past."

Now I can only think about the positive things I can do moving forward. You will too!!!!

I know a way out of the pain game of the past ... live better ... today.

Do something for someone else. And you probably have, sharing here. There's a crowd of people who don't ever post - only read.

We are as stones cast into a still pond.

We never know which action of ours today - will affect someone else's life.
Make that action ... a positive one.

Thanks for sharing Dom!

For once, I am speechless. You two are clean. What you

are feeling is newfound humility, not the humiliation you

suffered while using. We all have been right where you

are. Stay with us. It's gets better.


We love you.

IO

What Storm said. We love you. We love that you have found us. We are all the same and we understand.

"I know a way out of the pain game of the past ... live better ... today."

Wise words, indeed from Barb, Dom. I felt just like you. I couldn't forgive myself. When I went to my family to make amends, to say I was sorry, I asked everyone what I could do to make up for my mistakes. To a person, they all said, "Keep doing what you're doing. Stay sober." That's all they wanted. I'm trying to oblige.
Mike

dom, this might be of some help.. it help'd me loads.. stil does...

its a little lenght'y, so were my years of activity...

.................................................. .................................................. .......

Feeling guilty should not be confused with taking responsibility for our past. Taking responsibility means that we actively address the consequences of our actions in whatever way we can, in particular changing our behavior patterns. Taking responsibility also includes moving on by making peace with the past.

Unlike taking responsibility, which is redeeming and positive, guilt has absolutely no value. Guilt does not encourage us to change in positive ways but debilitates us, leaving us unable to take the action we need to bring about change.

Breaking Out Of The Guilt Cycle

As a behavior pattern, guilt often becomes a self-perpetuating cycle: we do something, we feel guilty about it, we punish ourselves and, because we feel bad, we end up repeating our behavior at the next available opportunity.

The debilitating cycle of guilt continues largely because we do not take full responsibility for our actions or for changing our behavior. But how do we start the process of taking responsibility? By considering, with complete honesty, the part we play in any situation and accepting our role in creating events.

The purpose of this self-examination is to evaluate truthfully whatever occurred so that we can learn how we contributed. Through learning and honest self-assessment, we change our thinking and behavior. We can also forgive ourselves and move on with experience and wisdom.

Real Forgiveness

In this process, forgiveness is vital. However, forgiveness is not what we generally believe it to be.

The Toltec approach holds that real forgiveness has nothing to do with feeling sorry or apologizing — neither of which actually changes anything. True forgiveness is contained in its literal meaning. The word "forgive" is very old, and the prefix "for" means literally "to reject." So the word as a whole means "to reject the giving."

We need "to reject the giving" because, if we think we have wronged someone, we use our sense of guilt to "give" to that person. By giving, we hope to make it better, and to exonerate ourselves from our actions. Conversely, if we feel that someone has wronged us, we will continue to demand payment for that offense.

But giving from a sense of guilt can never lead to forgiveness. Neither can forgiveness be bestowed by another; it has to be brought about by ourselves. In the end, unless we can reject all this giving and truly forgive ourselves, we can never really move on and be free of the past.

How does forgiveness work in practice? Say that you have taken responsibility for your past by changing your behavior. The reality is that you can still have unresolved feelings about what you have done.

By simply feeling bad about the past, we never really move on. What's more, we imply that the past is meaningless and has no value. What a waste. For, if we have caused harm, surely we should try to learn from our actions rather than living with a heap of regrets? The process of forgiveness enables you to resolve unresolved feelings so that you can move on.

Forgiving ourselves means finding value in any experience. Instead of just writing off an experience as a painful episode, we should look for the value in that experience and try to take out of the experience whatever we can learn.

Toltecs look upon life as a journey of learning, and say that all true learning is experiential. Much of our learning does come about through painful experiences, but in order to move on it is important to focus on the learning rather than the pain.

By searching for learning and value from our past, we ensure that there is no more need to give or demand payment; we can, indeed, "reject the giving" and so forgive.

To take meaning and value out of any situation, simply ask, "What has this taught me? What lessons can I learn: about myself, about others and about my life? How can I use this new knowledge to change my thinking and behavior and help others avoid the same trap?"

In this light our past, instead of being meaningless and shameful, has a positive and life-enhancing value. By learning to handle our past, and by taking the steps to forgive ourselves in the true sense of the word, we can let go of the debilitating consequences of guilt, and finally move on.



theun mares

Hi Dom,

I hope that expressing your feelings can lead to letting go of your guilt. To forgive yourself is the greatest gift of recovery and it is something that you can have and that you deserve to have.

anna amen to that...

i have been there. i know exactly what your talking about. my step work has taken away the guilt. i no longer regret the past. i see how my experiences can benefit others and possibly save lives.

Each post touched me. To answer one poster YES I am abstinent, but I feel that due to my unresolved feelings I am not sober.

Each day I will I try to forgive myself, I write down my feelings and I find re-reading them causes me much guilt.

Thanks everyone, Rusty, I know I am going to read your post many times in the months to come. I have admitted step 1, realized a Greater Conciousness in step 2, and now working on step 3. Really looking forward to steps 4 and 5. :)

Chicago, every post of yours I can relate to. I even search under your name and read your past posts. You are an inspiration for me. I hope I can someday be as good a sponsor as you are.

Chicago's got it. 4th step Dom. Clean all that JUNK out of your closet.

And remember, "We do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...."

Just so happened that this afternoons meeting was on Step 3 with a speaker. I'm on my way. :)

Good job Dom. So glad to hear it. Keep it up.