Pilgrim

I just asked someone to tell me where all the pain was coming from. But really, I want to talk about mine because I know that this pain needs to be released if I am going to have a chance at this sobriety lark.

I am Mrs Nice. I was raised to always be polite, my manners are impeccable. I tried to stay invisible when I was little. I was always uptight ever since I can remember. Sort of a Victorian upbringing - like on the Titanic movie. Dad was high ranking military officer and diplomat. I spent my whole life trying to please my parents and avoid conflict. I never shouted at my kids. I never had an argument with my husband. Our marriage just sort of died. I say sorry if I bang into inanimate objects. I smile when I am sad. I make small talk when I want to scream. I am a good little girl. Except that I am an alcoholic and I am 44 tomorrow and it doesn't "fit" anymore.

I am so mad. I know anger is supposed to cover fear but not this time. I am just mad. Grumpy. Mrs Cranky Pants.

I am angry that my son is autistic. I am angry that my ex father in law was a paedophile and hurt my babies. I am angry that I can't drink normally. I am angry that my Mum didn't want me.

Don't get me wrong, I am happier than I have been in a long time. This isn't the sort of anger that makes you feel icky inside and no, I don't want to pick up.

I am angry that I lost so much of my life to this stupid disease. All those years that I couldn't live. I am angry that I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long. I am angry at all the horrible things that have been said to me, all the years and millions of put downs that I believed. All the bad feelings I have had about myself that have stopped my thinking that I deserve to be happy and to have stuff. I have been so successful at work for years and I have no savings.

Or maybe I am just really really sad about all that. I will cry myself to sleep tonight.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 44. I will be 21 days sober. Life will just have to start all over again for me.

I was going to go out to dinner with my children. I explained to them that I haven't been going to many meetings recently and I need to go to my local one tomorrow night to meet up with my sponser. We can go to dinner on Wednesday night instead huh? They are ok with that. Anyhow - they can start picking up their stuff!!!!!!!!

Thanks everyone here for helping me to see things more clearly. Thanks for being there. Sorry about the rant. No - not sorry. But you know....I hope I haven't made anyone feel uncomfortable.... sigh. ..

SaTiT

I'm not uncomfortable. It's familar to me.
Thank for sharing my story...oops your story.
Congrats on your 21 days.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Feelings....yikes.

It's normal what your going through when you're in early sobriety
At least it was for me, or I was like that too.
I tried to read...but I couldn't concentrate worth a darn.
But I did do a lot of reading before I stopped drinking.
You know...it got messy and I was looking for answers.

Anyway...Since we're not numb anymore. We're going to start
feeling our emotions. And being raised in enviornment of not being
able to express/practice/process our feelings...it's a bit tough
at this time. There's a lot of stuffed feelings or we drink to sholve our
feelings. And we're very critical at ourselves.
My father was/is a strick disciplinarian. And is a Vietnam vet.
and i have to join the usaf just to pick the studip dis-ease going.

Anyway....anger are sharp or loud emotions..like neon colors.
peace is calm and not as bright.

So thats why we feel anger at first. it kind of just jump out at ya.
and your mind just tries to make sense of it all.
So the mind creates images to reenforce itself.
But it's just a spin.

So don't be so hard on yorself or try to think or make too much
sense of anything at the moment . Give yourself a break
You've gone through a lot. And your body chemistry is also
going through changes and still withdrawing...pretty much
as your brain is withdrawing also.

Just keep it simple for the moment

Or making a graditue list helps alot, becuase it's also help
break our old mindset and helps in the process of re-wiring
our brain or neuro netwok of the brain. Plus it helps on our attitude
and perception.
This way we can at least feel sometype of comfort instead of
anger or rage

hope3

Welcome to the new you's, I am happy to see

this comming out. It is so healthy to get it all out in the open

so that we can move on and not end up doing the same things over...

At least thats what I think.. I'm so greatful you found this site and are

getting to know the real you, see you on the train..hope3

Talluleh

I can't stay long, I'm supposed to be already heading to work but wanted to say how proud I am of you for your 21 days, that is fantastic! Rant away if you need to sweetie, we'll listen to you.

Have to run but will be back later.

AcristicatAngel

I would like to pass on a heartfelt HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you today!!! And... CONGRATULATIONS too for your 21 days!!! You should be very proud on this special day. Keep up the great work and BE HAPPY : )

Love Angel

lostmdboy

Happy Birthday from me. I think the best present you could give your self is your sobriety. It is hard I know, but keep going to those meetings. keep coming here, and posting. Things will start to even out soon.

stone

(((steph))) Nothing wrong with being angry Miss Crankypants. You might be Mrs. Nice but you have a lot of strength running through you and a wicked sense of humour! :saeek:

:

sunnydaze4

Enjoy your birthday! Smile My background is similar....military dad (Officer), parents divorced when young, had to be independent and strong for a long long time. Success was not an option but a requirement and feelings were not acceptable. Especially negative ones. Still trying to impress father.

Last time I quit for 4mos I relapsed due to trapped feelings and wanting to numb them or let them out with the aid of drink. It has taken me 3 yrs just to post here. I'm 11 days now... My suggestion, vent here, get it out and allow yourself to feel. My counselor suggested starting to express feelings/opinons around family when possible without causing an uproar since they all have the same issue. Exercise, eat right, vent online or to a friend. Get it out or it will eat you up and you will relapse. My opinon. --Sunny

You are worth it....Happy Birthday!

gypsytears

Hi Mrs. Nice Crankypants .

Congrats on 21 days.

Happy Birthday.

Your life is begining all over for you... and you are sober for it. You are getting better every single day. You are allowed to be angry, sad, happy. No explanations needed.

Missymae737

Hi Pilgrim,


I can relate to much of what you said. The anger has always been the hardest, because I have always tried to be the GOOD girl. My anger was always hidden. Somehow, I always felt that showing this emotion was not acceptable.

Anger is a normal emotion and being newly sober, I have had to learn to express it in healthy ways.

Thank you for sharing and a happy birthday to you!

You are in my thoughts.

Pilgrim

Thanks to everyone. I love you all. Waking up and reading these posts and my PMs is the best present a person could ask for. That, and being sober today. Can't stay mad with all this love around!

I woke up and all three children were on my bed. No hangover, no grumpiness, just joy. I got a cup of tea in bed! They saved up and got me a really nice silver necklace. I cried. Maybe it's not too late after all. I prayed and said I didn't deserve it. I almost got kicked. I was told "I decide what you deserve" so I just said that I am grateful but words don't really cover these emotions.

Ayla - several miracles already today and I have only been awake half an hour.

Anna

It's not too late Pilgrim, it's never too late.

It's necessary to feel the anger that you've been holding in and then to release it and to move on and move forward. And, when I look back, I try to not feel bitterness or regrets, because, after all, I wouldn't be where I am now without everything that I went through. And, I like where I am now.

Keep moving forward.

hope3

Glad to hear of your wonderful B-day party

in bed.....You are so worth it.....

And, It's never to late. hugs, hope3

teej

3 weeks baby!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pilgrim

Hi TJ,

I know! Hard to believe. Could never have done this alone.

Ex boyfriend gave me a beautiful painting. Very expensive. I don't want it and I don't want anything to do with him. I wrote to him and asked him to stay away from me and to take it back. He went to the pub. No reply. Why does that still hurt?

My emotions are a bit rocky today. I am all four HALTs. Best I go take care of the H.

No one to go to lunch with on my birthday. I'll have it on the bus in my head I guess.

xx

Golfman

It still hurts because the wounds are pretty fresh. Give yourself the grace and realize that deep wounds, inside and out, take time to heal. "You will know a new freedom and a new happiness."

xx

chrisj728

((((( steph)))))

Your 44 and your getting well! thats the best birthday present that you've given to yourself. WHY!!!! because your worth it!!, and hey your kids think your worth it as well. Cup of tea in bed, necklace great going.

I'll come to lunch with you on the bus, but it's got be curry !

Take care & enjoy your day.

chris

IO Storm

Pilgrim,

Is it 22 days now? Way to go!

Remember, you will have some mood swings, it might help to recall advice you most likely have given others:

Feelings can be uncomfortable but not dangerous.

Seems like the anger is popping up, and humility as the mind clears. Let them flow, pass on through.

"You keep carryin' around that anger, it'll eat you up inside"
Don Henley

Love,
IO Storm
"God keeps me still in the eye of the Storm"

teej

Scoot your butt over chris! I want to eat lunch with dubs too!

Lost Sailor

Dubs-
I think you're experiencing inner turmoil which is common when we stop drinking after so long. We used to drink to forget, to numb and displace those feelings of resentment. Now that the tonic has been taken away, we must deal with them face to face. And it sucks. At first. We're just unaccustomed to coping with life on sober terms. You'll get your mastery of it back eventually and the things that plague you now and seem huge will only be an afterthought.

When I went to rehab, one of the first things I was told, was in the Big Book, and has stuck with me, was that RESENTMENT IS FATAL. I was told if I can't let go, forgive and move on, I was in big trouble. More precisely, my sobriety was endangered. And more bluntly: I wouldn't stay sober.

When I decided to stop drinking, I had a ton of resentment towards several people and even towards myself for the same reasons as you: that I had wasted so much of my life drinking, and the Past. It seemed to grow exponentially with each day I wasn't drinking. I wish I could tell you how I did away with it, but it wasn't a one step procedure. I may have written down each person/act and that I forgive them to start. My mother in law was one that I had recently grown to HATE(I don't like that word, but I really did). She was the hardest. But I learned about them taking up space in my head-living there with me paying the rent and other cliche's. But it worked. Letting go of my resentment towards people and things in my past really freed me, and has not only helped me stay sober but live a happier life in addition. Same with honesty-to myself and others-and other issues prevalent with alcoholics-egocentricity and so on. And to accept I couldn't change the past and dwelling on it was ridiculous. The only thing I can do is act in the present and plan for the future. The past doesn't matter anymore. It's gone, never to return.

Anyway...I would discuss with your sponsor how to get rid of your resentment-it's holding you back and is very detrimental.

On the other hand, it's wonderful you're staying sober and can see the light despite all that. And think how great it's going to be to look back and say you were sober your 44th b-day! I think you're doing a great job!