stone

Good post Lost Sailor, I like the way you give the Past a capital 'P'! Great stuff.

TamTam

Hey! I want to go to lunch, too! There is nothing better than going out to lunch with good friends!!

Steph, thank you for this thread- from one good girl to another- I'll be a sober 44 this month, too!!

xoxo Tammy

Pilgrim

Hi Tam Tam, Stone, Sailor, TJ, Storm, Chris and Ed. Thanks for being there and keeping me company.

I am home now. The girls are going to make pizza for dinner. The kitchen is a frenzy of happy activity. Then AA. Then home for supper.

Guess I should close this thread down. Maybe I can let it go if I write it all down and burn the paper or something. I know I need to move on and I feel ready to do that now. I felt more peaceful after I wrote last night.

I know what you mean about the inability to cope with emotions. I know in my head that they are normal but they feel so alien. I know I tell others what is happening and I can tell you in a text book sort of way what is happening. Sometimes though, it hits with power and I kind of forget the textbook stuff.

It is definitely improving. Remember how I was two weeks ago? Total panic and terror. Nowadays it's more like really unpleasant. Let's see how I get on next week. One day at a time.

I still have that voice telling me in a really logical way that I can go back to drinking. I just agree with it now rather than have a big fight with it. But then, after agreeing with it, I say to it that I will just finish today sober.

Thanks for the advice and the warnings. I will definitely talk to my sponsor.

teej

I agree with sailor. I think he is very smart, and there's a lot of information in what he just said.
Hang in there, it WILL get better.
love you sweetie!!

Pilgrim

How bad is this. I have totally lost any brain power. I am only 43.

stone

Nice one steph! You dozey bugger lol.

Tazman53

Pilgrim my dear, I went through everything you have described, in regards to the anger it is a good idea to let it out. I have had it build up inside me so intensely that I felt like I was going to burst!!!

Here is one thing that helps but make sure there is no one near by or they may call the men in the white coats to come pick you up. If no one is home I will scream at the top of my voice every thing I am mad about at the moment and will continue to do so until suddenly for some reason I feel tired, but better! Sounds stupid I know, but it works for me.

I am working on my 4th step right now and just realized that I need to write down that I had a resentment against myself, for more reasons then you all want to hear, but the wasted years was the biggest one.

Good night I am an idiot!!!! Happy Birthday youngster!!!!

Thanks Pilgrim for helping me with my 4th step!!! I have found in my short sobriety that shares from people with less or more sobriety then me all have a value of some sort.

One of the most important things I have learned about shares is that all of them are useful, some help me to get where I want to be and others show me where I do not want to go! LOL

Golfman

Funny, I'd swear you don't look a day over 30. HeHe

Pilgrim

Taz, it's funny isn't it? Even the negative posts can help people. I don't know if I could do the scream thing. I can imagine it would help but I am like the British - stiff upper lip, uptight and retentive. Maybe I will join a gym and workout hard with loud music. Do you think that might have a similar effect?

Stone - thanks for reminding me and being so negative and blunt. Love you too.

Ed - you charmer! Mr Silver Tongue. (((((Ed)))))

You know this stuff with emotions? I am not coping all that well. It started yesterday and was really bad in the night and this morning it is still there. I am trying to find that serenity.

I asked ex to read something. I bought him a book. He sucked me in again being all nicey wicey. I told him that he would need to be sober to read it. He promised. Yeah right. Why does that still bother me? Why can't I LET IT GO? Enough already. That control part of me is so dangerous. I can't seem to be able to turn my back on helping someone I know needs help when I know how to help. He says he wants it and needs it but then his actions are completely the opposite. Why do I keep believing him? Isn't five years of lying enough already? This is the most nutty thing and it is not nice to face. I feel really insane about it.

I know what I should do. I know I should concentrate on me. It's just real hard to put into practice.

One thing that helped was hearing at a meeting last night that mentioning to someone they need help and need to go to AA can set them back 2 years because they will do the opposite. Is that really true? That will definitely help me stop trying.

teej

Hi dubsi!!!
I've never heard that. But I DO know that he will only quit when he wants to. I know you want him to follow you into sobriety so bad it makes your heart hurt. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. But as you know, I'm still learning, myself.
You are doing great though with YOUR sobriety and you should be very proud of yourself!!

Talluleh

Hiya, I'm with TJ, "You are doing great though with YOUR sobriety and you should be very proud of yourself!!"

Hugs!

Lost Sailor

Dubs- Time for some amateur psychology: It seems to me you are a "people pleaser" type of person (helper/giver; several names for it)-many, many alcoholics are, and many women are. Some are enablers, but it stems from wanting to feel needed and valued, validated, avoid conflict, and you value relationships and emotions. You obviously care a lot for the ex and want to help him and he rejects your attempts.

I see the people I know who are people-pleasers set themselves up for what you seem to be going through right now with him, because they bust their butt/(bum-for you) helping others and then when they ask for something in return and are rebuked, the resentment starts and begins to grow. We know how dangerous that is.

I think as you progress with your sobriety, you'll start to realize people truly love you for who you are, not what you can or have done for them. You'll realize everyone's not a project, and even though you sincerely want the best for them and it's currently frustrating when they don't accept or appreciate your efforts, oftentimes (and especially right now when you are very vulnerable) it's best to work on yourself first-that's enough work without taking on extra! Your ex is a big boy and should certainly be able to take care of himself without being babied, and make his own decisions and deal with the consequences of those decisions. If he's not, or isn't ready, that shouldn't be your problem, and personally I see that as a threat to your sobriety, which should always be #1.

I know it's hard-I had to tell people goodbye forever when I became sober (for the record, I didn't tell them "forever" and as I am sober longer, I wouldn't have a problem being around them again, in controlled settings). But the last thing I needed was dealing with their BS on top of everything else I was having to contend with, including all the emotional and personal chaos you seem to be having as well. Selfish? Yes, but I was trying to think long-term success with short-term actions. And I'm now seeing the dividends.

As far as telling someone they need help setting them back "2 years", I've never heard that, and question the research that went into that factoid but I do think certain people, depending on their maturity level will go the other way when confronted, like a little kid. Tell them to do something they don't want to do, and they do the opposite. Like read a book. And I do think a lot of alcoholics think that way.

So....sorry for the threadjack and amateur attempt at psychoanalysis. I don't know you and didn't mean to imply anything if I'm off-base. I just picked up on a common lament I've heard before.

Pilgrim

Hi TJ, Tal and Sailor,

Thanks so much for replying and for your support. I do feel that my sobriety is in danger and I am willing to fight hard to keep it so here is what I am thinking.

Sailor - that helps thanks. Please don't apologise. I need to find some practical ways to deal with this. I have seen my counsellor, been to AA, prayed, asked for help and understanding from SR. I am not sitting on my butt waiting for this to get worse.

It really doesn't help that I work with him and have to see him all day every day. That is the understatement of my day.

I am definitely that person you describe. He is a project but it is deeper than that. I saw him as a protector when I needed one. I gave my will to him. He is abusive like my Mother. I am in a bit of a bind because I know how to yearn and strive for something I want badly and can never have. That is my comfort zone. This is new territory and it feels really scary. I know it is progress for me to get where I am already. I have to try to take it in small chunks.

I am going to see him as an addiction that I don't seem to be able to manage. I am going to admit defeat and leave it to my HP to help me.

teej

Excellent idea!!!!

Golfman

There you go! You're doing everything it takes to get past this. An inspiration to us all.

xxoo

IO Storm

Hello.

I just have to jump in. That person who told you that telling an A anything that would effect their sobriety either way for 2 years?

What a jack ass.

I sure hope they just did not know any better.

If every A had a person in their life with that much power none of us would need God.

Step 1.

I admitted I was powerless over alcohol-
that my life had become unmanageable.

Step2.

I came to believe that a power greater than
myself could restore me to sanity.

Simplifying and simplifying more has helped my Higher
Power keep me sober now for 13 months.

Wild horses or any other human being could not have done so.

Love you so much Pilgrim.

IO Storm
"Gold holds me still in the eye of the Storm"

Pilgrim

Hi Storm,

Love you too mate.

Maybe he exaggerated about the two years. It was said by a really nice A chap whose Mum is a recovering A who has succeeded to stay sober until now with help from AA. He was trying to explain that his Mum just had to watch him slide, knowing that if she tried to push him into going to AA, he would have done the opposite and stayed away longer. I will try to be more careful with my explanations.

Jump right in anytime.

xx

c'est la vie

happy birthday, dubs. You really are sounding quite wise here on the boards. Your 21 days sober are suiting you well.

Brownie

Hi Pilgrim - Just wanted to say "Hello" - enjoy your birthday dinner tonight - lostmdboy is right - sobriety would be your best birthday gift to yourself. Be good to yourself and keep us posted.

Pilgrim

I am astounded. I have no idea how I got here. As one of my loved SR family wrote to me - WTF??? Where am I?

All I know is that I have been sober for 28 days. I have no idea how it happened except that I have been following instructions. If someone had told me 30 days ago that I would be sitting here writing this, I would have thought they were insane.

I had absolutely no ability to control my drinking before coming here and going to AA.

This is truely a miracle. I was never religious and I never believed in that stuff. Now I am convinced that there must be something or someone that cares looking out for me. There is absolutely no other explanation my friends!!! The mouse helped too. What is this??? Whatever it is, I hope it sticks around.

Time after time my will has tried to make me drink. Minute by minute and day by day, I have reached 28 days without giving in to myself.

So there you go.

Huh!

Love to you all today.