I'm here again...........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sydney,Australia
Posts: 23
I'm here again...........
Saturday afternoon I was bored.I had no computer (as it was getting repaired)
so
I walked to the bottle shop and bought two bottles of wine.The whole way
there I was thinking that this is wrong,that my drinking never ends up well.
I just thought that this time would be different somehow and that I could drink myself
into an alcoholic stupour AND stay home.I've lived on my own just over three months and in that time I have had a binge every month just about.I don't
wake up and need a drink I don't even drink everyday but sometimes I just
need alcohol to stop all the thoughts in my head.My binging starts out happy
I feel excited and renewed.I don't care,I don't worry.Reprieve.
Then I go out.On Saturday I hitched a ride to the pub.I broke a glass there and cut myself.I was ejected from the pub so I caught a cab to another pub met a guy there brought him home and I think we had sex.I post this in shear
desperation and fear.This isn't the first time I have brought someone home.
It was only his choice that he didn't rape or kill me. I am living on borrowed time.I have to stop drinking or I will die.Yesterday (Sunday) I was hungover
tired and very emotional.I went to my parents house nearby and told my
mother everything.She is so worried obviously.She said that she will
support me and that I need to get help right away.I love my mum.She gives
me strength.So tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor who will
refer me to a physchologist.I want to live.I don't want to drink anymore.
I have an addiction to alcohol that I can't control on my own.I have been an alcoholic since I was 19 and at university maybe even earlier.So that's over 10 years of this ****.Punishing myself.Binging and trying to recover over and
over again like a broken record.I need to go to meetings (although they bore me somtimes) but what would I rather.Be bored or dead?
so
I walked to the bottle shop and bought two bottles of wine.The whole way
there I was thinking that this is wrong,that my drinking never ends up well.
I just thought that this time would be different somehow and that I could drink myself
into an alcoholic stupour AND stay home.I've lived on my own just over three months and in that time I have had a binge every month just about.I don't
wake up and need a drink I don't even drink everyday but sometimes I just
need alcohol to stop all the thoughts in my head.My binging starts out happy
I feel excited and renewed.I don't care,I don't worry.Reprieve.
Then I go out.On Saturday I hitched a ride to the pub.I broke a glass there and cut myself.I was ejected from the pub so I caught a cab to another pub met a guy there brought him home and I think we had sex.I post this in shear
desperation and fear.This isn't the first time I have brought someone home.
It was only his choice that he didn't rape or kill me. I am living on borrowed time.I have to stop drinking or I will die.Yesterday (Sunday) I was hungover
tired and very emotional.I went to my parents house nearby and told my
mother everything.She is so worried obviously.She said that she will
support me and that I need to get help right away.I love my mum.She gives
me strength.So tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor who will
refer me to a physchologist.I want to live.I don't want to drink anymore.
I have an addiction to alcohol that I can't control on my own.I have been an alcoholic since I was 19 and at university maybe even earlier.So that's over 10 years of this ****.Punishing myself.Binging and trying to recover over and
over again like a broken record.I need to go to meetings (although they bore me somtimes) but what would I rather.Be bored or dead?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hey there Zara,
Day 7 for me.
What you did on Saturday night sounds like something I did every second night before I stopped. I came to this site after trying moderation. Sometimes it works but mostly it doesn't. I sympathise totally.
It is a huge thing to realise that you absolutely have to stop. Alcohol makes us think we will die without it when really it is the thing that will make us die. I smoke as well and someone told me yesterday I should stop or it will kill me. I replied that I would rather die from smoking making the most of what is left than die drunk. I'll get to smoking later.
I hope you make it this time. Your Mum sounds wonderful. Mine is awful and is an alcoholic herself. I have just written to her to tell her I have stopped and I am expecting some sort of hurtful response. Be grateful for your Mum. Lean on her and come here for support.
Good luck on day 1.
Day 7 for me.
What you did on Saturday night sounds like something I did every second night before I stopped. I came to this site after trying moderation. Sometimes it works but mostly it doesn't. I sympathise totally.
It is a huge thing to realise that you absolutely have to stop. Alcohol makes us think we will die without it when really it is the thing that will make us die. I smoke as well and someone told me yesterday I should stop or it will kill me. I replied that I would rather die from smoking making the most of what is left than die drunk. I'll get to smoking later.
I hope you make it this time. Your Mum sounds wonderful. Mine is awful and is an alcoholic herself. I have just written to her to tell her I have stopped and I am expecting some sort of hurtful response. Be grateful for your Mum. Lean on her and come here for support.
Good luck on day 1.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi Zara,
Welcome back!
I am glad you have support from your family and that you are seeking help with a psychologist.
There is lots of information here and you can read around the forums and get lots of good advice.
Welcome back!
I am glad you have support from your family and that you are seeking help with a psychologist.
There is lots of information here and you can read around the forums and get lots of good advice.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
hi Zara and welcome.
You are a brave soul to ask for help.
Thats great your mum is behind you!
May I suggest when refered to a psychologist, it
is someone who has a lot of experience working with
alcoholics, I mention this because alot of therapist
are behind the times of understanding alcoholism.
Good luck Zara I'm rooting for you.
Hugs, ((((((((((hope3)))))))))))
You are a brave soul to ask for help.
Thats great your mum is behind you!
May I suggest when refered to a psychologist, it
is someone who has a lot of experience working with
alcoholics, I mention this because alot of therapist
are behind the times of understanding alcoholism.
Good luck Zara I'm rooting for you.
Hugs, ((((((((((hope3)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: ENGLAND
Posts: 557
Hi zara, dont get to hard on yourself over what happend,you are still alive and as long as you stay positive about your need to recover things will work out for you.As problem drinkers we all get the urge to try just one last time to see if we have won over alcohol,so you are not alone on that one.
You have a plan for your recovery and it sounds as if you couldn't ask for a better friend in your mother.Go to meetings,like you say sometimes they seem boring,it took a while until I heard my own story being shared, almost to the exact detail.But when I did the weight that lifted of my shoulders was emence.So keep reading & posting here at SR, I wish you well in your quest!
chris.
You have a plan for your recovery and it sounds as if you couldn't ask for a better friend in your mother.Go to meetings,like you say sometimes they seem boring,it took a while until I heard my own story being shared, almost to the exact detail.But when I did the weight that lifted of my shoulders was emence.So keep reading & posting here at SR, I wish you well in your quest!
chris.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sydney,Australia
Posts: 23
Thanks for all of your replies.
I really needed to know that I wasn't some crazy alcoholic that screwed up
AGAIN..!! This time I will gather as many people to support me because last
time I tried to do this on my own and look what happened.My mum is a huge
reason why I want to stop.When I phoned her from work this morning to tell her
that I had made the appointment she started to cry with relief.It breaks my heart that my alcoholic self hurts her so much and worries her sick.
I really needed to know that I wasn't some crazy alcoholic that screwed up
AGAIN..!! This time I will gather as many people to support me because last
time I tried to do this on my own and look what happened.My mum is a huge
reason why I want to stop.When I phoned her from work this morning to tell her
that I had made the appointment she started to cry with relief.It breaks my heart that my alcoholic self hurts her so much and worries her sick.
Raised from the Dead
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago
Posts: 376
i can identify with making family worry. my parents and brother basically didnt sleep for years because of me. my family is all spread out (brother in denver, father in aspen, mother in florida) and on more than one occasion they've had to fly back here for incidents related to me. not pleasant. anyways its great not to live like that today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
it's great that you know how much you need help.....it takes courage to admit you have a problem.....and you can use that same courage to get help and quit for good..
good luck to you
hugs
ayla
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sydney,Australia
Posts: 23
I've just got home from my first AA meeting since last year.
It was definately the warmest,most welcoming group of AA members.When one guy was sharing he actually started directing advice to me.Saying how important it was to keep comming back.I really thought that was nice.Like an acknowledgment of the newbie.I identified as well or whatever because I was within the first 90 days.I stood up when asked and said that I was 48 hours sober and they applauded!!
Afterwards a woman came up to me a told me about another group on Thursday but for beginners so I'll be going to that too.I don't know but during some of the sharing I started to crave an icy cold glass of wine.That's never happened so soon after a binge.Maybe I was in the right place tonight.
I'm just not sure what I will be replacing alcohol with though.This scrares me and makes me feel out of control.I'll simply have to keep going back and learn how to depend on people some times (which I hate) but it will save my life if I work it.
It was definately the warmest,most welcoming group of AA members.When one guy was sharing he actually started directing advice to me.Saying how important it was to keep comming back.I really thought that was nice.Like an acknowledgment of the newbie.I identified as well or whatever because I was within the first 90 days.I stood up when asked and said that I was 48 hours sober and they applauded!!
Afterwards a woman came up to me a told me about another group on Thursday but for beginners so I'll be going to that too.I don't know but during some of the sharing I started to crave an icy cold glass of wine.That's never happened so soon after a binge.Maybe I was in the right place tonight.
I'm just not sure what I will be replacing alcohol with though.This scrares me and makes me feel out of control.I'll simply have to keep going back and learn how to depend on people some times (which I hate) but it will save my life if I work it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
zara a clean'r, healthy'r, happy'r, sane'r life...
glad your trying again zara...
and hey, if this try does not work... maybe start thinking of a long term rehab...
it will not only detox you, it will give you some tools to go back out in life, and with hopefully a new outlook...
a line from the 12&12... "defective relationships are the immeadiate cause of our woes... including our alcoholism"... aint that the truth...
all good wishes zara... were root'n for ya...
xxoo, rz
I'm just not sure what I will be replacing alcohol with though.
glad your trying again zara...
and hey, if this try does not work... maybe start thinking of a long term rehab...
it will not only detox you, it will give you some tools to go back out in life, and with hopefully a new outlook...
a line from the 12&12... "defective relationships are the immeadiate cause of our woes... including our alcoholism"... aint that the truth...
all good wishes zara... were root'n for ya...
xxoo, rz
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Zara you have an excellent beginning, keep going to AA meetings, ask about a temporary sponsor.
Going to see the doctor is a great idea.
The most important part of recovery it looks like to have done, admitted you have a problem.
Please keep in mind always to "Follow Directions", if your doctor says you need to go to detox go!!!! Listen to your temporary sponsor, follow their suggestions.
Hon if this old drunk can do it I know you can, follow directions.
Going to see the doctor is a great idea.
The most important part of recovery it looks like to have done, admitted you have a problem.
Please keep in mind always to "Follow Directions", if your doctor says you need to go to detox go!!!! Listen to your temporary sponsor, follow their suggestions.
Hon if this old drunk can do it I know you can, follow directions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Originally Posted by zara28 
Why do I feel so irratible at work today? I should feel really accomplished.It just feels so heavy today and I can't talk to anyone at work about it.
When I was newly sober, emotions that I felt were intensified ten-fold. This is because when I was using, my emotions were numb. It is normal to feel irritable at times. Get to a meeting today if you can or just come here.
You will be OK. Keep posting.
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