Any Moms Out There Keeping Sane While Not Using? Part 16
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere over the Rainbow
Posts: 195
Pookie - that is an amazing book! One of the counselors at my treatment center was reading it and he let me borrow it on the weekends.....I hated the weekends because I missed my son SO MUCH. I was 3,000 miles away from him and I could only talk to him once a week...it was more like boot camp than a treatment facility. Anyway, it got me through some tough weekends being able to read that book.
I remember in treatment that I would swear off drinking and using forever. I could not even look at my sons picture because I missed every little detail. I missed his fingers and his toes....I missed his eyes and I missed his cheeks......and I had to stay there for three months (missing his bday, thanksgiving and my original wedding date). And I remember journaling through it all that I would NEVER EVER pick up again........that if I just took this time for my self to get healthy that I would never have to take a pill or a drink again. I could not fathom relapse.....and I judged those who did. After I got home and was reunited with my son and my life got back to "normal".....six months went by and I relapsed. It took me six months to forget everything that I had sworn to my self and the prayers that I would pray at night when I was there. I had been going to meetings almost every day, I had got a sponsor and I was doing everything that I was told to do...working the steps.....everything! As soon as I started going to less and less meetings......my urges got really strong and I stopped praying and I stopped journaling. I remember my first (of two) relapses. It was in June and we were house hunting. The realtor was taking us to house after house. My wedding was coming up in October (from being cancelled the past November) and I was totally stressed and doing NOTHING about it. I was working on step four which was the moral inventory and I was feeling crappy about my self and my character defects as well as everything SHI*&Y that had ever happened in my life. I was falling into a deep hole and could not crawl out by my self.
Anyway...we were in this house that our realtor was showing us and I found my self in the bathroom.......I opened the medicine cabinet and it was a virtual pharmacy........I took exactly four pills from a bottle of VIC and put them in my pocket and this sense of CALM came over me.......like I had found my self once again......it is so hard to describe.....I just felt in control again.
I kept those pills in my pocket all day.....and it was not until the next day that I took them....and then from there it went out of control!!!!!! Worse than it had before I went into treatment. As if treatment had never happened and then the guilt would take over (we had spent our own money on treatment and my son was still not emotionally right after my having to leave him for that long)...so the guilt about relapse kept me using for a long time.
Then I got clean for six months and a few weeks ago relapsed again.......it is a journey......every single time we relapse we learn something new about ourselves. It never did me any good to beat my self up........the disease did that for me.....I have to continually learn to have patience with my self and look in the mirror and do positive affirmations......
Recovering people are so strong and so amazing. If someone is recovering in a healthy way I would trust my sons life to them. Because I know how much character and strength it takes to stay sober.......and it takes going through hell to get there and some of our hell is relapse.......it is not a part of everyone's journey but I have learned that it is a part of most poeples journey into sobriety. I trust that my relapses have occurred because something was missing from my recovery.......and if I don't put those pieces into my recovery than I will continue to relapse.
Don't judge......accept yourself and love yourself......ACCEPT ACCEPT ACCEPT!!!!!
I don't know why all of that just came out but maybe it had to so I won't question it and I won't apologize for it
Love to all of you.....love and compassion!!!
I remember in treatment that I would swear off drinking and using forever. I could not even look at my sons picture because I missed every little detail. I missed his fingers and his toes....I missed his eyes and I missed his cheeks......and I had to stay there for three months (missing his bday, thanksgiving and my original wedding date). And I remember journaling through it all that I would NEVER EVER pick up again........that if I just took this time for my self to get healthy that I would never have to take a pill or a drink again. I could not fathom relapse.....and I judged those who did. After I got home and was reunited with my son and my life got back to "normal".....six months went by and I relapsed. It took me six months to forget everything that I had sworn to my self and the prayers that I would pray at night when I was there. I had been going to meetings almost every day, I had got a sponsor and I was doing everything that I was told to do...working the steps.....everything! As soon as I started going to less and less meetings......my urges got really strong and I stopped praying and I stopped journaling. I remember my first (of two) relapses. It was in June and we were house hunting. The realtor was taking us to house after house. My wedding was coming up in October (from being cancelled the past November) and I was totally stressed and doing NOTHING about it. I was working on step four which was the moral inventory and I was feeling crappy about my self and my character defects as well as everything SHI*&Y that had ever happened in my life. I was falling into a deep hole and could not crawl out by my self.
Anyway...we were in this house that our realtor was showing us and I found my self in the bathroom.......I opened the medicine cabinet and it was a virtual pharmacy........I took exactly four pills from a bottle of VIC and put them in my pocket and this sense of CALM came over me.......like I had found my self once again......it is so hard to describe.....I just felt in control again.
I kept those pills in my pocket all day.....and it was not until the next day that I took them....and then from there it went out of control!!!!!! Worse than it had before I went into treatment. As if treatment had never happened and then the guilt would take over (we had spent our own money on treatment and my son was still not emotionally right after my having to leave him for that long)...so the guilt about relapse kept me using for a long time.
Then I got clean for six months and a few weeks ago relapsed again.......it is a journey......every single time we relapse we learn something new about ourselves. It never did me any good to beat my self up........the disease did that for me.....I have to continually learn to have patience with my self and look in the mirror and do positive affirmations......
Recovering people are so strong and so amazing. If someone is recovering in a healthy way I would trust my sons life to them. Because I know how much character and strength it takes to stay sober.......and it takes going through hell to get there and some of our hell is relapse.......it is not a part of everyone's journey but I have learned that it is a part of most poeples journey into sobriety. I trust that my relapses have occurred because something was missing from my recovery.......and if I don't put those pieces into my recovery than I will continue to relapse.
Don't judge......accept yourself and love yourself......ACCEPT ACCEPT ACCEPT!!!!!
I don't know why all of that just came out but maybe it had to so I won't question it and I won't apologize for it
Love to all of you.....love and compassion!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
good to see you found us, astro.......you are a brave man.......we may say we'll keep the hormone talk to a minimum....but let those hormones act up, and watch out.....hehe
love my girls.....i need to catch up here.....
hugs
ayla
love my girls.....i need to catch up here.....
hugs
ayla
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Finding out what I have been missing!
Posts: 1,011
Hi all, just stopped in to say hi, hubby is picking up the kids from gymnastics and I am on dinner detail... yep we really eat this late... 7:45 on the east coast... I'll read up later, hope all is well!
Rinnie's Grandpa
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
Originally Posted by Astro 
I love the new look, ayla!
Is it OK if a single father jumps in on this thread? Are Dads allowed?
Is it OK if a single father jumps in on this thread? Are Dads allowed?
The ladies welcomed this ol Grandpa with open arms...
What a GREAT bunch here.
Steve
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Middle Ga
Posts: 1,515
I'm home!!!
I missed you all tons.
I'm going to watch American Idol and try to catchup- can't believe we're on 16.......
Know I love you ALL!!
Hi Dev! Look forward to getting to know you better.
**Big** I was able to sit at the bar at Margaritaville while my friend had a couple of drinks and I was FINE!!!! Fine is a good way! Very relaxed, enjoying my surroundings. Drank my club soda with a teensy splash of cranberry jc and a big squeeze of lime. Being comfortable there was a huge thing for me mentally. It's all good.
Talk to you all later. xoxo T
I missed you all tons.
I'm going to watch American Idol and try to catchup- can't believe we're on 16.......
Know I love you ALL!!
Hi Dev! Look forward to getting to know you better.
**Big** I was able to sit at the bar at Margaritaville while my friend had a couple of drinks and I was FINE!!!! Fine is a good way! Very relaxed, enjoying my surroundings. Drank my club soda with a teensy splash of cranberry jc and a big squeeze of lime. Being comfortable there was a huge thing for me mentally. It's all good.
Talk to you all later. xoxo T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Middle Ga
Posts: 1,515
Glad to be 'home'!!
I'll get caught up tomorrow. I was trying to post a pic of me and the kids, but I'm being ********...
DH missed me so............ gotta go
CDTE and CUTE
Sleep well and sweet dreams!!
I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xoxo T
I'll get caught up tomorrow. I was trying to post a pic of me and the kids, but I'm being ********...
DH missed me so............ gotta go
CDTE and CUTE
Sleep well and sweet dreams!!
I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xoxo T
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