Pilgrim

My time zones are probably different from yours. I just woke up to these wonderful messages.

They will help me to get through today. Just today. Thank you.

I have just asked my partner to move out. As you say, I need to try to survive this. I asked him to come home early yesterday because I am in a very dark place right now and any human around is a goooood thing. He rang from work to say he just had a couple of things to do. He was sober then. A couple of hours later he came home drunk and passed out.

The thing is, I don't think I can survive another night when he uses, when I have to be so careful of what I do and say, when he leaves because I ask him not to shout, when I look for a drink and can't find one so I go to the store, when I decide that I am better off dead than having a drink. I sit and look at the stupid horrible glass for a while but by then it is too late.

The reason I had to stop the drink was because I hit the sidewalk - literally. Hurt myself quite badly. Lying on the ground. On the street. The reason I have to ask my partner to leave is that I really think I will die next time. And it is likely to be tonight!

Anyhow, on the newbie bus I get. Just for today my friends. Wish me luck.

xxxxx

Pilgrim

By the way, I have to tell you all about the mouse. On Monday night, while I was sitting on the floor of my front room and in the darkest place possible, a baby mouse came inside from my porch and came right up to me. Tiny and cute. He crossed the room and sat at my feet. I had to stop trying to kill myself and look after him. I have him with me still. Who ever heard of such a thing?

Hivemind

you've got a Friend in me if you need

teej

Hang in there dubs!!

Here is a thread you might read about having suicidal thoughts. I haven't read it, but have seen the forum leader CarolD refer people to it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html

Pilgrim

Yes please Hivemind.

The baby mouse died last night. He saved my life first though.

Pilgrim

I am at work now. I will stay online if that is OK. Just in case.

CarolD

It is for me. It keeps me from depression.
That is a very important goal for me.

I found my new AA friends to be a unexpected
treasure. I went to AA for my drinking
and Wow! how much more I have learned.

Good to see you are making positive changes!

Blessings

ayla zaire

how you doin' today, dubs???? so sorry about your relationship troubles, and your poor mouse....

hope you have a good day...

hugs
ayla

Pilgrim

Hi again Carol and Ayla,

Doing ok right now.

Finding small things a bit hard to cope with though. Seems like the whole world needs me to hold its hand and all I want to do is concentrate on me and getting well.

I am scared about lunch. An old drinking friend wants to catch up and tell me all about his broken marriage.

I will keep you all with me.

Pilgrim

Had lunch. Didn't drink. Organised the friend to talk to my partner to convince him to move out.

Go me!!!

Feeling pretty sad and lonely though.

australia

well done dubs!!! Geez thats fantastic! Sad and lonely hey? I am in touch with that emotion. And when you have given the old 'best friend' away things can be tough I guess? Am still struggling with that. Am still struggling to say goodbye to my friend booze. I'll be your friend so you are not lonely ...
big kiss
here's a joke...to cheer you up.
Whats Bob the builders name going to be when he retires?

Give up?

Bob! he he ha ha ho ho hmmm...
love karla

Pilgrim

I was reading about people's stories. The one about feeling small and vulnerable is really true for me. I use drink to make myself more "interesting" and outgoing.

That joke was reaaaaalllllyyyyy bad Karla!!

Dev_angel

And yet another friend here if you need....I am in sort of the same boat as you...one day for me and then I failed on day #2 but tomorrow I will start again...I will not give up...
I am up all hours of the night on and off during the day etc...people don't know how I survive...little do they know!
If u need someone to talk to , just to listen I am here. I may not be able to give very good advice from experience as I'm trying to conquer addiction myself but we can work thru it together if you'd like...Or I can just be a listening "non-judgemental" ear...
This place is awesome here! All the people have made me feel so at home and I don't think I'll ever leave...they are stuck with me!!

Pilgrim

Thanks for the hand of friendship. You are right. This place is awesome. I think if I didn't have it I would have had a drink this lunchtime. And it's never one is it? Winston Churchill - one of his speeches - all he said was "never never never give up".

australia

oh, I think we match here hey? I am so much better with drink. I am the life of the party..
(no one knows how much i suffer for that though. How much that costs me. Because everyone depends on me to liven things up. Because that is what I do...thats why I am there1)
Who am I without it? How can I ever survive without it?
Does this sound at all familiar...or have I gone off on yet another undecipherable tangent
Karla

australia

DONT GIVE UP BECAUSE YOUR NOT BEATEN YET.

two blondes walked into a bar....
you'd think one of them would have seen it...!

he he ha ha hho hoh ...hmmm....
karla

Pilgrim

OK - I actually laughed at that one!!!

Life of the party - that used to be me. It got kinda seedy though and there was no party needed.

I am usually in a bar in the afternoons. Surrounded by drinking buddies.

It's wierd out here. I just went for a smoke (smoking more lately) and looked at everyone. They are not proud but they should be. There they all are being sober and normal and not even thinking about it.

Normal needs re-defining.

Also wondering how on earth I used to manage. I have quite an important job and three children (one is autistic). I am so organised!

Feeling a bit sick in my stomach. Not hangover type sick. Just ickky. Seeing reality is hard. Miss my man already. Sigh. Don't miss the angry drinking though.

Dev_angel

I guess you'd call it low self-esteem or whatever but I can't for the life of me be able to even call a friend to bs or answer the phone to talk to anyone if I'm not on anything...I am so outspoken, outgoing, etc. I feel like if I don't have the pills to be on I have nothing to give to anyone, no conversation, nothing worthwhile...
But of course that is so not true. We are all very special people, unique in all our own ways and have so much to offer if only we'd realize it.
"I am my own worst critic"

australia

I know! Not thinking about drinking...having a couple and going back to work! Having a couple and not thinking it a complete waste if you dont keep drinking! Whats with that?
...they should be proud...but they dont need to be because that is their that is normality... we are in a different world...a far different place...at least, thats what i think...
I have been known to be wrong.

A blonde and a brunette are out doing some shopping when they see the brunettes boyfriend walking out of a shop with two dozen long stemmed red roses. The brunette turns to the blonde and says 'god bless him, i love him but i hate it when he does this. It means i'll spend the next two weeks flat on my back with my legs in the air'
and the blonde turns to the brunette and says 'what? dont you have a vase?'...

think about it it..

xxxx

australia

I know exactly what you mean...EXACTLY. I wouldnt be me...and id let everyone down...and I couldnt supply what others needed...because i dont think I could be bothered without being off my face...I wouldnt know what to say. Is that bad.....?