youngirish

Maybe some people remember me. Maybe some eyes are rolling. Can't blame anyone. I have absolutley no faith in my ability to remain sober.

Gonna go to AA a few towns away tomorrow I think. Over the past few years I've been in and out so many times it would be mortifying to go back. Last time I went some girl walked up to me and said "wow, you're really the poster child for keep coming back". Stuff like that hurts. It's like people think you're just there to lick your wounds from your last drunk. Maybe that is what it is though, who knows. But this is truly hell. I'm gonna be 24 in March. Been drunk 2 weeks straight now. Today I thought I was going to loose my mind and I was begging it to go and just not come back. Wouldnt miss it at all :-) I was a pathetic slob. Just wanted a hug from anyone or anything. The eliptical trainer was looking cuddly. Wanted to run out and grab any old stranger and ask them to just hold me for a few minutes. Pretty friggen lame and pathetic for an adult. Soberly I get like that too. Constantly have to be around people and preferably drunk too.

There's this feeling of deep disgust. Soberly I'm not that bad. Just feel lonely all the time. Just cant seem to put the bottle down. I wanted to go into a rehab or something but I'm a nurse in a psych hospital, its hard to do stuff without people finding out. I've become this very ugly trashy person. To tell you the truth I always kind of was, just would save it for weekends. Swore I wouldnt drink during the week, or past a certain time, etc. I'm lying to work constantly saying I'm "sick" or going in shaking (and im sure smelling of booze) and sweating. Constant lying and bs. Cant believe how big of a liar I've become. Today I lied and told my friends I fell, thought I broke my foot and had to go to the hospital just to get out of going out (which equals drinking). Its pretty lonely when everythings a lie.

Anyway, gonna go to a meeting far away tomorrow. Hopefully wont know anybody.

Midas

Welcome back, Youngirish! We kept a seat warm for ya.

ayla zaire

welcome back.....

you know you have a problem...so many are in denial, that being able to admit your problem takes a great deal of courage.....it also takes courage to walk into a meeting where you think people are judging you...(which, btw....most probably aren't.....in my experience alcoholics and addicts are some of the least judgemental people i know....been there, done that...you know?)

i want to wish you good luck....and success in your goal of sobriety....

Rusty Zipper

welcome back ish.. suggestion.. forget everything you know, or dont know... start anew to recovery...

as you never tried it before...

ish, it worked for a sponsee of mine...

good wishes ish...

xxoo, zip

Sheryl85

Hey, I remember you.... Welcome back! I'm glad you are the poster child for keep coming back! I wish more people would be. At least you are trying. The important part is that you are back. I know one guy who had been in and out of the program so many times that on his one year birthday the last time he came in instead of getting a lighter with his name and sobriety date engraved on it, he got a matchbook with it penciled in! They nick-named him “The Silver Slipper.” He died sober and had 25 years. (He would have had over 45 if it had taken the first time.) I always think that some people just have a higher pain threshold or something.

After you go to your out-of-town meetings for awhile, think seriously about getting your hometown situation resolved. You need a place to cut and run to immediately when the situation warrants it and you don't want to have to drive all over the countryside to do it either.

Last but not least I want to share what the gentleman mentioned above shared with me, “It’s none of your business what other people think about you. What is your business is what you think of other people and what you think about yourself.” No one’s opinion counts more than your own. You have to live with yourself 24/7. Know what I mean?

NYCGirl

Welcome back,

It takes more guts come back and admit it, than it does to stay away, you rock!

mike_mass

Yeah, that was a pretty mean thing to say. It sounds like you are sensitive to criticism. Try to find a compassionate and non-judgemental person in the halls who you can confide in. Who knows, in the future you may actually be able to laugh about what she said to you.

Cam5e

I'm a returnee to the world of sobriety (48 hours). I've been out and back a few times and have had some great years of sobriety in between. I know it's out there for me again and I want it back. Sounds like you do too. Best of luck and god Bless.

UncleEarl

You might try to keep the above in mind when you're having those down times. The sober part, that is. I sure hated my lying self as a drunk! My self-loathing came from the fact that I became a liar and because I didn't think I was strong enough to quit drinking, not to mention that alcohol is a chemical depressant, particularly for alcoholics.

An important thing for me was to get over the shame that can accompany both drinking and relapsing. I've been sober for 36 days now (a record in over 25 year) and still have the occasional person say, "Uh-uh, SUuure you quit drinking. I've heard that one before." What I say is: Screw 'em! I create my own autobiography and if someone will not support positive steps I'm taking, I want nothing to do with them.

Your past does not have to dictate your future. Keep trying and I'm sure you know that you have a LOT of love and unconditional support around here. A cyber hug is better than no hug at all (or better than some of the, erm, "hugs" I used to seek while drinking...ever hear of 'coyote arm?')

Earl