UnusedPortion

Well I'll do my best to make this short...I'm sorry I haven't been around much I've been trying to clean up after my disease and hit lots of meetings.

I'm gonna share some disturbing, possibly striggering stuff and it's hard so if you don't want to spoil a pink cloud don't read on.

I'm a 29 year old SAHM, alcoholic, with two kids K and 1st grade. I have 5 months and a week of sobriety. I don't know exactly what is going on with them but they are in the office in trouble alot since I started AA. My drinking didn't cause that much turmoil in the house and the ONLY reason I can think they are acting out is because I am going to AA at least 5 nights a week. I'm getting 4 hours a day with them. They are seeing me on AA nights leave at 7:30, 6:30 on Mondays, and not come home til after they are in bed. I am trying so hard to find a balance. There are some noon meetings too but the night meetings are just so much better. I feel as if in trying to put recovery first I have damaged my kids somehow and I'm just now seeing it.

About a month ago my estranged father died. He was very physically abusive to my mother and mentally to me. I have every anxiety disorder known to man and I am not on medication because what works for me is addictive. I haven't even begun to get past this. I am in this emotionally numb stage. I haven't had the right kind of grieving process at all. I hadn't seen him this past Xmas, hadn't seen him at all since the Xmas before last, because I was afraid it would trigger a relapse. My sponsor says "thank God he didn't mess up Xmas" but I'm sorry he always did when I was a kid and I have the pain of remembering how my last chance to see him I didn't. He too was an alcoholic and I found the same brand I used to drink next to his couch. I loved him and forgave him in sharing his disease, just couldn't get to the reconciliation. He had a wet brain so badly I don't know what was possible anyway. I had never been to his apartment and I had to walk in smelling his death. He was only 56 so I thought I had all this time...

So now I am dealing with all this post traumatic crap and I don't know what to do. My mother is spewing all this vitriol, my husband doesn't get how I really feel because I am not crying hysterically, nobody gets it. That's not including the little stuff like my check engine light, my appearance, my friendships radically altering, messy house, ect.

I hadn't started my fourth step and now my sponsor is commanding me to drop everything and do it. I am following this format where I am writing things I feel guilty about. I am four pages in and I am stuck in a mental tape of images of childhood. I want to drink so badly I don't know what to do. I weigh 200 pounds now because I eat for sobriety insurance and feel like I did a good job if I can't imagine liquor getting through all the food.

Don't get me wrong I am struggling to turn it over and work the first three steps on this, I am powerless over all this crap, I'm surrendering, I do believe God can help me if only I turn my will over. But all of my defenses are getting so thin. I want to get loaded so f'ing bad I could scream.

I feel as if the only hope is putting a temporary hold on step 4 and my sponsor is insisting I do it. I don't think she knows what it is like to have the time you stopped your mother from killing him in your head over and over. This chick is a righteous awe inspiring 20+year AA guru and I really feel privleged to have her as a sponsor. She is dead on most of the time other than giving me the pat excuse "they don't have a program" one too many times. I feel genuine love for her. But I am reeling from this. Is this normal? Do I have to suck it up and deal? Or should I just do what I think I must to stay sober? I don't think I can take this right now.

Please help and advise me. I absolutely don't know what to do.

Tazman53

Hon if I was in your shoes right now I would be calling my sponsor and bending her ear real good, if you can not get a hold of her call someone else in the program you can trust and bend their ear.

Step 4 I have heard is a real bear, but it leads to further steps will will povide you huge relief and strength.

I will pray for you to have the strength to hang in there, remember we are not alone, we love you and care for you too.

I will say this do what you have to do to stay sober, but if that involves delaying step 4 do not put it off to long, the pain will linger longer as well until you get through it.

TINLIZZY

Unused -

I'm not the correct person to give you advice as I am only on Day 7.

However, I can emphathize with your situation. I have three children - 23, 18, and 17. I know what a trial they can be (and believe me, it only gets harder as they grow older!). I have an estranged mother and stepfather, and an alcoholic father. I have a husband who works a lot, a full time job, and all the responsibilities of keeping a home. It can be overwhelming.

Just know that you are not alone!

TinLizzy

mike_mass

Go to the noontime meetings. Be with your family at night.

CarolD

I totally agree.

Have you considered counseling to deal
with your childhood?

Congratulations on your sober days.

tubesk

*nods* i'd also ask about counseling... esp once emotions & grief do come up strong it might help to have some plans in place & ways of dealing that you've worked on...

good luck with the sponsor stuff =)

luv2all

Just don't take that first drink, no matter what!!! I remember in the beginning of my sobriety, everything seemed so overwhelming to me and God bless my sponsor, she knew I wasn't emotionally ready for the 4th Step yet and she kept me going to lots of meetings, including Step-Study groups. I do believe that the more meetings I attended, the faster was my growth and recovery, and the more I wanted to work through and live the 12-Steps..

My motto and mantra then was "Just For Today".... I hope you'll try to read it.

Good Luck to you and "keep it simple," "one day at a time!" And please keep coming back to share with us. I care.
luv2all

kpnewlife

To me, that seems a little troubling. To my knowledge, the big book says nothing about writing what we feel guilty about. Step 4 begins with writing down the people, principles, and institutions we are angry with. Perhaps this is not the right sponsor for you or might be good temporarily. Personally, I want my sponsor to be a hardcore big book thumper that does things literally by the book. That's just me though. If you're honestly not ready for the 4th step, then I don't know that you should be doing it. Please don't take anything I say as gospel (I'm smart enough to know I don't know much), just something to think about.

Also, I'll agree with luv2all. The most important thing for you right now is to not pick up the first drink.

SeekSobriety

Firstly I would highly recommend finding a good therapist to talk to and help you deal with the emotional issues, I see a therapist weekly in addition to meetings etc and for me it has been a lifesaver. Secondly I would ask your higher power for guidance and courage to start the 4th step,
It will come to you. It is going to be like standing on a diving board above the water and being a bit afraid to jump in, but once you do it you realize that it actually feels great to be getting through it.
Keep up the good work!

Rusty Zipper

UP that cloud can last a lifetime...its all in the atitude...

listen to your sponser... not yourself... step four, as long as you keep that part of step three... made that decision to turn all the crap over...


for me, action = growth... wasnt the easiest to do, my alfiction did not like that... the ism's...

all good wishes UP...

xxoo, rz

scootinbabe

hi! oh **{sweetie}} don't beat yourself up. it sounds like you are at the end of your rope and lots of stress.

be proud of your successes in the midst of all that change.

can you talk to your sponsor to see if you can keep working the earlier steps before digging into step 4? sounds like you might benefit from staying there. you certainly don't need the stress of some self-imposed deadline for working the steps. take good care of yourself.

visit the moms thread--most of us there are sahm with little kids too. i have three--two of whom are close in age to yours. i also am eating too much right now and am working on that. you are NOT alone. you CAN make it.

i don't know what would work for you but for me, i only get to 2-3 meetings per week. i know it isn't the same as f2f, but i had a child acting up in school as well and needed to really focus some attention there during the hours not in school. i also have little one at home and hubbie who works lots of hours. you do what you can. put your sobriety first. you may have to tweak your program so that you are able to work it. i read a lot (AA and Hazelden literature), post here, and speak with sponsor by phone to supplement my meetings. talk to her and try to come up with something that would work better for you.

and i totally agree with the others above that, if you are able, try some counselling. it really does help. if you can't now, keep it in mind for future.

hugs and keep coming back!

scootinbabe

oh, i should add that my sponsor is wonderful. a daily aa meeting maker with years and years of sobriety and her approach with me is the same as luv2all's. i want to go ahead with step 4 and sponsor wants me to make sure that i do step 3 completely and throroughly do as well as the first two before moving on. she wanted me to add step meetings as well to my weekly program.

i wanted to clarify because you are getting conflicting advice. the only person who knows what is best for your situation is your hp. talk to him/her/it and discuss it with your sponsor. you will come up with a solution.

the important thing that you are already doing is realizing that you are getting into a situation and you are asking for help. that's big. keep on keeping on.

BrandiK

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) You've got TONS of advise, just wanted to put some more love out there for you.

I am a SAHM with 3 girls, one homeschooled the others young. I noticed, pretty quickly, that my recovery brought on issues at home. Talk about added guilt! My husband and I talked about it, and we came up with a few ideas. 1) kids run on the energy of the house. They feel it even if they dont understand it 2) I let them get away with more while I was drinking. I am just starting to see that now. They suddenly have new bounderies to learn and 3) emotions are much different for me now, as I feel things again. I don't handle situations as I once did. The girls feel this transition happening and can't understand why.

They didn't see much of my drinking, though they saw me drunk. Don't suppose I hid that as well as I thought I did. They certainly see changes now though.

We just have to keep going, and doing what we can, and get to the other side together. It's a transition, but in the end I know it is better to have me sober and go through this then to have me drunk and absent.

My father is also estranged. Grew up in a cocaine hot house with him as a kid, lots of 'joyful' memories. Luckily, when my mother got custody in my early pre-teen years, she tossed me directly into therepy. I know there is still more to work through, as memories still resurface from time to time. I wonder if he's alive out there in the world, but figure my sister or brother would let me when he passes from this world. Then again, they don't talk much to me either. So who knows? Not compairing stories by any means, just saying "I hear you sister!" Therepy is something you should really consider. I have no idea how I would have gotten anywhere with out those needed tools.

Not much advice to give, but here with love and support none the less.

UnusedPortion

Thanks so much for your advice and support and prayers! You can't know how much it means to me. I'm stil sober, well dry I guess.

I did therapy consistently for four years and since I got sober I go once a month or so. It was rational/emotive therapy and it really helped my thoughts and actions, but not so much dealing with my feelings, at least in my case. AA helped me get over the "terminal uniqueness" as does everyone who shares with me. I wonder if our parents knew each other, BrandiK!

I'm still so depressed, I slept for 11 or 12 hours yesterday altogether. My daughter got referred to the office again and I haven't been to AA yet since Monday night. I shared alot at that one and got lots of support but everyone is making me feel like I can't make it if I don't do the 4th but I am just still reeling from starting it yesterday. Its starting to get to the point where I am paranoid about it. I am in literal pain over all this bearing down.

Now I am starting to wonder if my husband is somehow out of line too. My kids weren't this bad with me loaded half the time, what is going on at home while I am gone??? Grilling the kids isn't giving me any insight.

I agree that I shouldn't focus on guilt but I don't want to be out of line with my sponsor. She uses lots of non-GSC lit and I am not sure I can deal with this guilt thing right now. I don't know if she realizes how bad it is or was. I'm gonna call her now. I am actually scared to.

sober..finally

I am not a sahm, I am a male with just short of 60 days and a staunch big book thumper.

1. pg 63 sentence right after the 3rd step prayer," We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves to Him utterly."

Both words utterly and abondon mean completely, without reservation. When I first took step three had some pretty bad stuff going on, and in a meeting one day this sentence came to me like a neon sign, and I realized that I hadn't completly and utterly given myself to Him.

Top of page 64 says "Though our decision was a vital and crucial step it could have little permanent effect unless AT ONCE followed by a strenuous effort to face, and rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us."

This would be the 4th step. All this is, is a list of people institutions and principles were mad at. All you do is make a list of these things, leaving a few spaces below. Then we make a list of why we were angry at them. Then we look at what they affected. Was it my self-esteem my personal relationships my security or sex instincts. These are the basic instincts in life. When one of these are threatened, we usually get angry.

Most stop there, as that is what the book shows however there is still more to do. In the fourth column beside each name, we look at what have we done. sometimes we might not have done anything, as I had a boss who was truely not good, but I revealed that I had usually done something to instigate.

And finally we ask ourselves in the 5th column, we look to see where had we been selfish, self-centered, self-seeking and frightened, or even inconsiderate. These are the 4 basic shortcomings we are going to be asking to remove in later steps.

In closing we make a list with 5 columns and from this we gain much knowledge of ourselves. I found that alot of my resentments once I got to looking at them were really pretty foolish. The 4th step isn't difficult, go down in each column, who we were mad at, why, what it affected, what did we do, and why we did those things.

I hope I've helped some. All of this is in the Big Book, pg 63-67.

Scoty

NYCGirl

Hi Unused,

I am in my seventh month now, my life is finally starting to settle down. I found durring the first few months my 9 & 11 year old fignting more and alot of tension at home. I know I had many..many mood swings. All of a sudden latley I have noticed more laughter and sincere hugs, I am actully starting to enjoy my children. I work, so everyday is overwhleming but it starting to get easier to manage. my house is a bit (a lot) messier because i am no longer trying to prove alcohol does not affect my ability to fuction... but that's okay. I choose not to do AA. I, though very out going am very intrisically motavated once I set my mind to something, and I really don't do well with others setting goals for me... not to mention finding time to make meetings would add sooooo much stress it would surely make matters worse... so I really can't help wiht the AA sponser, step thing.

All I can say is hang in there it will get better, your kids will benifit in the end.

UnusedPortion

My sponsor didn't call me back. I think she thought we were going to see each other at the meeting last night and she knows I have some great phone numbers so I guess that's it...

Yeah I am starting to think I could deal with even the guilt better in the format of the BB. The format I got from my sponsor is really tough for me. I am doing alot better today, the "tape" stopped, I am just getting a physical sensation of not being ready to go down certain roads. I am going to try more superficial things that are still relevant when I try to work on it today... It's only 10:20 here but I feel sane today...a short morning meditiation helped.

Intuiting the will of God in childrearing is very difficult. Sorting His will out in ambiguous situations is a challenge for me. I go through cycles of being in tune with it. I, like scootinbabe, am having to really tweak the program lately.

Yeah NYCgirl, it is really stressful to deal with in honesty. I am having a hard time with putting AA first. Some say to put AA even before God in your life. Well, I have to confess my kids will always come before AA. It just plain isn't the right path for some people. I personally love AA nearly all of the time but when I have an issue with something about it, that's a real challenge.

Thanks again to everyone, support like this is awesome!

parentrecovers

hello, unusedportion. recovery is hard and rewarding work. blessings, k

Tazman53

Hello again unused,

AA does not come first, your sobriety does, AA fits in where it is needed on your priorities high enough to stay sober. I am not doubting that some folks may say AA comes ahead of everything, but I have never heard it in the rooms in my area.

If you have a serenity chip take a look at the triangle, the triangle is balanced and that is what you need to try and do is maintain balance, sobriety is heavy so depending upon how well you are doing in your sobriety it amy take up the whole side, which means that a part of the otherside may need to have AA and work, but you need to always make sure that a big portion of oneside of that triangle is family.

As long as you are working all sides of the triangle things will get better, but if one lets the sobriety slide the balance is lost and the triangle falls.