Hi, I know I need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Dayton Ohio area
Posts: 8
Hi, I know I need help
I've actually known I've needed help for some time now, but just didn't want it I guess. Until now. Let me tell you guys a little about myself. I have been drinking 12 plus "ice" beers a day (more bang for the buck) for well over three years. Every day. Before that I was drinking 16-20 beers a day, every day since the early 90's. I used to joke that the only day I didn't drink was the day that doesn't end in Y. Thats not funny anymore.
I have been reading posts on here for a week or so now and finally got the nerve to make my own post. I've even been deleting my history on my computer so my wife couldn't find that I've been here. You see, I want to suprise her that I can do this on my own, not because she told me to. I have quit before, but I didn't want to. I did it for her. I started again with a promise of "only 6 a day". That didn't last long. I started hiding it when I promised her I wouldn't because that would mean I had a problem. Then I didn't hide it anymore. You won't find any hidden bottles or cans in my house, car, garage, or shed. But I want to quit now.
I don't know if I can go to meetings, because I have a herniated disk in my back and have to go to therapy for that (maybe even surgery in the near future) and shes not all that supportive about that either. From what I've read on here, it's my fault in the long run about her feelings towards me. I agree. I agree I need help. I told her the other day I was going to make a Dr's appointment for something stupid,(I was going to talk to her about qiutting drinking) and she told me I was crazy and lent our other car to her brother. I have to cancel my appt. for tomorrow. But its OK, I can try to reschedule for Friday.
I've read posts on here about wives and ex-wives and how they feel about living with an alcoholic. They described me. Hateful, hard headed, only cared about themselves, the list goes on. Thats me. Add the 20 year old step-daughter who makes my blood boil every time she walks in the room because of her disrespectfull way she talks to her Mom and myself, and our three year old son that is learning our dysfunctional ways, you have me. My wife and I have even commented that the reason that we're still together is because of AJ (our son).
Will stopping drinking make my wife look at me like the husband that the courts say I am? Or continue like the roomate that I feel I am. Shes a "What about me?" person. I know she wont go to counceling because shes always right. Maybe thats rude, but its true. I want to quit drinking.
Andy
I have been reading posts on here for a week or so now and finally got the nerve to make my own post. I've even been deleting my history on my computer so my wife couldn't find that I've been here. You see, I want to suprise her that I can do this on my own, not because she told me to. I have quit before, but I didn't want to. I did it for her. I started again with a promise of "only 6 a day". That didn't last long. I started hiding it when I promised her I wouldn't because that would mean I had a problem. Then I didn't hide it anymore. You won't find any hidden bottles or cans in my house, car, garage, or shed. But I want to quit now.
I don't know if I can go to meetings, because I have a herniated disk in my back and have to go to therapy for that (maybe even surgery in the near future) and shes not all that supportive about that either. From what I've read on here, it's my fault in the long run about her feelings towards me. I agree. I agree I need help. I told her the other day I was going to make a Dr's appointment for something stupid,(I was going to talk to her about qiutting drinking) and she told me I was crazy and lent our other car to her brother. I have to cancel my appt. for tomorrow. But its OK, I can try to reschedule for Friday.
I've read posts on here about wives and ex-wives and how they feel about living with an alcoholic. They described me. Hateful, hard headed, only cared about themselves, the list goes on. Thats me. Add the 20 year old step-daughter who makes my blood boil every time she walks in the room because of her disrespectfull way she talks to her Mom and myself, and our three year old son that is learning our dysfunctional ways, you have me. My wife and I have even commented that the reason that we're still together is because of AJ (our son).
Will stopping drinking make my wife look at me like the husband that the courts say I am? Or continue like the roomate that I feel I am. Shes a "What about me?" person. I know she wont go to counceling because shes always right. Maybe thats rude, but its true. I want to quit drinking.
Andy
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Hello Andy
Welcome.
You asked a lot of questions, I will start with the last one for now.
My wife and your wife will be the same... needed time and seeing my proper actions over time before she started to change. We need remember how long we treated them in a negative way. Women need time to get past such things (just who they are) while us guys can get over things in a day at times.
So the good news...Yes she will get over it. The not as good news... it may take time. We need give them that time and be grateful that they are allowing us the time to show them we mean business.
Now another question... can't do meeting or don't want to do meeting?
We need do what ever it takes. If meetings are part of that...you will do them if you truly want to stop.
Who would go out and buy your beer? bad back or not... if you answer you, your back worked well enough to buy beer, it should work well enough to get you to a meeting. There are no excuses when we want to stop.
You stopped before...You can do it again.
Meetings and the things you can learn at them will help you stay the course.
I was able to do it...You can do it also.
Welcome.
You asked a lot of questions, I will start with the last one for now.
My wife and your wife will be the same... needed time and seeing my proper actions over time before she started to change. We need remember how long we treated them in a negative way. Women need time to get past such things (just who they are) while us guys can get over things in a day at times.
So the good news...Yes she will get over it. The not as good news... it may take time. We need give them that time and be grateful that they are allowing us the time to show them we mean business.
Now another question... can't do meeting or don't want to do meeting?
We need do what ever it takes. If meetings are part of that...you will do them if you truly want to stop.
Who would go out and buy your beer? bad back or not... if you answer you, your back worked well enough to buy beer, it should work well enough to get you to a meeting. There are no excuses when we want to stop.
You stopped before...You can do it again.
Meetings and the things you can learn at them will help you stay the course.
I was able to do it...You can do it also.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by beerWASmyfriend 
I know she wont go to counceling because shes always right.
Andy
Andy
Thing is though... she will let me find out on my own that she is right.
Your taking the bike? It is going to rain. I take the bike and it rains.
She stopped telling me when it will rain...now I ask *LOL* and don't take the bike.
I think she may have enjoyed watching me come home wet and cold a time or two *LOL*
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi Andy...Welcome!
The best suggestion I can give you
start attending AA meetings.
That is where I learned how to deal
with my addiction and how to live in
peaceful harmony with others.
Blessings to you and your family
The best suggestion I can give you
start attending AA meetings.
That is where I learned how to deal
with my addiction and how to live in
peaceful harmony with others.
Blessings to you and your family
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hello andy, welcome.
it's great that you are making your decision to quit drinking. don't be afraid to ask for the help you need - from your doctors, the folks here, and at aa.
relationships are tough when they are complicated by addiction. time and recovery helps mend things.
blessings, k
it's great that you are making your decision to quit drinking. don't be afraid to ask for the help you need - from your doctors, the folks here, and at aa.
relationships are tough when they are complicated by addiction. time and recovery helps mend things.
blessings, k
Lurker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Western NC
Posts: 783
Welcome Andy. You and I are very a like. I loved My "ice" Beer too. Just could not get enough of it. It was not till after I quit drinking ( I am still very yougn in my recovery 30days) that I began to see what effect my drinking was having on the entire famally. Who knows you may even see a change in your step daughter. Get to AA meetings any way you can. You will find so much peace there that at points it will over welm you. Good luck, and visit often.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi Andy,
I am glad you made the decision to stop drinking.
Do whatever you need to do to stop and allow your wife to see the changes in you. That's all you can do. When I stopped drinking, there was no support from my family either because they had pretty much given up on me. I was frustrated and alone, but I got through it. It takes time and patience, but all you can do is focus on yourself and get better.
I am glad you made the decision to stop drinking.
Do whatever you need to do to stop and allow your wife to see the changes in you. That's all you can do. When I stopped drinking, there was no support from my family either because they had pretty much given up on me. I was frustrated and alone, but I got through it. It takes time and patience, but all you can do is focus on yourself and get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Dayton Ohio area
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone for your support. I really appreciate it. I guess best asked the best question back to me. If I can get my beer, why can't I go to a meeting? (sorry, havent figured how to do that quote thingy yet) Like many or all of you were, I'm one that says meetings are for quitters. This is honestly the first thing I've ever quit or even wanted to. (Except jobs I had in High School. I've had my job now for 17 years.) I'm all for the meetings, I'm not so sure my wife will be. I'm even for the 90 meetings in 90 days if thats what it takes. I'm just not so sure she'll be for it. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am. I'll ask her tomorrow. Is there any information as to where to find an AA meeting in my area on the internet, or should I ask my Dr.? (I couldnt reschedule because of the PT on my back tomorrow until Monday) I'm ready, I have to quit.
Andy
Andy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: God's Country
Posts: 35
HI BeerWASmyfriend
Welcome. I am new too. Into my third month. You can check here http://anonpress.org/phone/ for meetings in your area.
Congrats on your wanting to stop. I am the female version of you to a degree. Beer was my friend too, or so I thought. This is my second attempt at quitting in a long, long time of drinking. I am 43. My family is somewhat the opposite (accept for my daughter) with respects that no one brings up the "drinking" subject since I quit. I made no mention I was going too, but by a strange opportunity that came my way (long story in another post I have out here on this board somewhere), I took advantage of and quit. Lord knows that I was ready and willing. I laugh to myself at times to how cute it appears when no one ever brings it up. But then the sadness of it slams into me like a 2x4. I spent many years working and drinking and "in a minute...." as I chugged one more that I lost many precious moments. But we have today. Give your wife some time to get used to you not drinking. before you know it, she will forget how much you did and so will you. Time fades so much. Reach out for support as much as you can, and wherever you can. Bring your wife to a meeting with you? I think when she sees how much support and help you have there, she will be all for it. You are lucky you have not lost your wife, home and family before quitting. Many do. Best of luck to you.
Congrats on your wanting to stop. I am the female version of you to a degree. Beer was my friend too, or so I thought. This is my second attempt at quitting in a long, long time of drinking. I am 43. My family is somewhat the opposite (accept for my daughter) with respects that no one brings up the "drinking" subject since I quit. I made no mention I was going too, but by a strange opportunity that came my way (long story in another post I have out here on this board somewhere), I took advantage of and quit. Lord knows that I was ready and willing. I laugh to myself at times to how cute it appears when no one ever brings it up. But then the sadness of it slams into me like a 2x4. I spent many years working and drinking and "in a minute...." as I chugged one more that I lost many precious moments. But we have today. Give your wife some time to get used to you not drinking. before you know it, she will forget how much you did and so will you. Time fades so much. Reach out for support as much as you can, and wherever you can. Bring your wife to a meeting with you? I think when she sees how much support and help you have there, she will be all for it. You are lucky you have not lost your wife, home and family before quitting. Many do. Best of luck to you.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Andy
Here is a listing for your area. Dayton area web site.
http://www.aadayton.org/
If she doesn't agree...softly explain that you need do this for you.
By doing for you, you will be doing for the both of you as well.
Here is a listing for your area. Dayton area web site.
http://www.aadayton.org/
If she doesn't agree...softly explain that you need do this for you.
By doing for you, you will be doing for the both of you as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Dayton Ohio area
Posts: 8
Thank you all for responding. I have still been reading the posts on here, just haven't responded to my own. Sorry about that. I've kind of taken a lot of advice from here, rolled it all in a ball, and tried a new concoction. (for me that is) Let me fill you in on my old routine. I'd pick my son up from pre-school at 4:30 and get upset if my wife wasnt home by 5:30. If she was, I was standing in the garage with my first beer of the night. If not, I was a bear to live with until I calmed down, and she always called it right when she said "Youre only mad because you can't drink!". I told her she was sooo wrong then, now I know she was right. ( I knew that then too but didn't want to admit it to her) The other day she called me from work and told me she was going to be late, I told her to take her time and that AJ and I would be fine. She thanked me and I asked her why she did that. She thought I would be mad. I wasn't mad at all.
Like I've said I've been reading on here. I haven't told her about me trying to quit yet, but I think shes catching on. I have cut down on my drinking so much that my in laws have noticed and pointed it out to my wife. She said she noticed too, but didn't show it until it was shown to her that others saw it too. But thats OK. I told her the other day that I only had 3 beers the night before and she gave me hug and a kiss and told me she was proud of me. That was in the middle of a store. I wish it was the bedroom.
I have also gone to bed without any beer. That waking up without that feeling like crap feeling is AWESOME. Who cares where that water is, or KOOL-AID, just get up and go. Besides that, if she needs me to run to the store for her at 8pm, I can go, because shes not cutting into my drinking time.
I still have plans to talk to my Dr about my problem, but I feel good about my progress. Besides that, my wife have been getting along a lot better too. My only fear is that if I tell my wife I want to quit drinking all together, and fail, what then. Can I do it by myself?
Andy
Like I've said I've been reading on here. I haven't told her about me trying to quit yet, but I think shes catching on. I have cut down on my drinking so much that my in laws have noticed and pointed it out to my wife. She said she noticed too, but didn't show it until it was shown to her that others saw it too. But thats OK. I told her the other day that I only had 3 beers the night before and she gave me hug and a kiss and told me she was proud of me. That was in the middle of a store. I wish it was the bedroom.
I have also gone to bed without any beer. That waking up without that feeling like crap feeling is AWESOME. Who cares where that water is, or KOOL-AID, just get up and go. Besides that, if she needs me to run to the store for her at 8pm, I can go, because shes not cutting into my drinking time.
I still have plans to talk to my Dr about my problem, but I feel good about my progress. Besides that, my wife have been getting along a lot better too. My only fear is that if I tell my wife I want to quit drinking all together, and fail, what then. Can I do it by myself?
Andy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Can I do it by myself
Find, and work a good program. There are plenty out there. I've found AA works for me. After 10 years of drinking, the last 3 24 x 7, I've managed to put together over 100 days of sobriety. Good sobriety. I have found serenity, and it's better than any buzz.
Keep coming back and let us know how things go. One warning, if you be alcoholic, the moderation is gonna bite you in the a** eventually. At least that is how it was for me.
Good Luck & God Bless.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Andy in many respects you sound like me, I was a beer man, Natural Light, cheap but not to bad a taste. I drank for 40 years, I tried the cutting back and stopping for the last 10 years of my drinking career by myself and always failed.
Like you my wife would get all excited because she thought I hadn't been drinking at all when in reality I had already slammed 6-8 in the garage before she got home. Then of course I would wind up getting plowed and she would be dissappointed in me again.
It finally reached the point where she was out hunting for a house for her and the kids and let me know that as soon as she found one her and the kids were gone.
I sat in the garage with a cold one in my hand thinking about life with out them..... I saw death! I knew that I was going to wind up drinking myself to a slow alcoholic death if they left because they were the only thing that kept me from getting plowed every night. I knew I had to quit or die, being a chicken crap of a slow alcoholic death I decided I had to stop but had no idea how.
I went in the house and called Kaiser my health care provider and told them I needed to see a doctor ASAP about my drinking. I was at the point where I was willing to do anything to stop so when the doctor said I should go into detox I did.
In detox after the fog started to lift (3-4 days) I learned in detox that if I wanted to stay sober the best way to do it was go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
If you notice my sig is "Follow Directions", I learned that from a guy who relapsed after 10 years sober, when asked why he relapsed he said "I quit following directions", he quit going to meetings, he quit calling his sponsor, and he quit working his program. When they asked him what he was going to do to not relapse again he just looked at us and said "Follow Directions"!
What I am trying to get across is, my experience is that by following directions, going to at least 90 meetings in 90 days, getting a sponsor and continuing to "Follow Directions" I have now been sober 142 days straight with out a single relapse, I am happier then I have been in over 30 years, my wife and kids (including my 20 year old step daughter) love and respect me again, it took time but it was well worth it, I am happy with myself, and amazingly enough the urge/need to drink has been lifted from me. All I did was follow directions.
Andy I know you are thinking "My God where did he find the time to do all that stuff?", beleive it or not it takes me less time to stay sober and happy then it did for me to stay drunk and miserable and cost a whole lot less money!
Like you my wife would get all excited because she thought I hadn't been drinking at all when in reality I had already slammed 6-8 in the garage before she got home. Then of course I would wind up getting plowed and she would be dissappointed in me again.
It finally reached the point where she was out hunting for a house for her and the kids and let me know that as soon as she found one her and the kids were gone.
I sat in the garage with a cold one in my hand thinking about life with out them..... I saw death! I knew that I was going to wind up drinking myself to a slow alcoholic death if they left because they were the only thing that kept me from getting plowed every night. I knew I had to quit or die, being a chicken crap of a slow alcoholic death I decided I had to stop but had no idea how.
I went in the house and called Kaiser my health care provider and told them I needed to see a doctor ASAP about my drinking. I was at the point where I was willing to do anything to stop so when the doctor said I should go into detox I did.
In detox after the fog started to lift (3-4 days) I learned in detox that if I wanted to stay sober the best way to do it was go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
If you notice my sig is "Follow Directions", I learned that from a guy who relapsed after 10 years sober, when asked why he relapsed he said "I quit following directions", he quit going to meetings, he quit calling his sponsor, and he quit working his program. When they asked him what he was going to do to not relapse again he just looked at us and said "Follow Directions"!
What I am trying to get across is, my experience is that by following directions, going to at least 90 meetings in 90 days, getting a sponsor and continuing to "Follow Directions" I have now been sober 142 days straight with out a single relapse, I am happier then I have been in over 30 years, my wife and kids (including my 20 year old step daughter) love and respect me again, it took time but it was well worth it, I am happy with myself, and amazingly enough the urge/need to drink has been lifted from me. All I did was follow directions.
Andy I know you are thinking "My God where did he find the time to do all that stuff?", beleive it or not it takes me less time to stay sober and happy then it did for me to stay drunk and miserable and cost a whole lot less money!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
Can I do it by myself
if you find a way... you have riches to share to the world... and PM me how to too!
welcome andy, and good wishes to ya...
xxoo, rz
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: baltimore, maryland
Posts: 463
Hi Andy
My story reads the same as TAZMAN 's story. Everything written is the truth. early on I did not believe or follow directions. (I KNEW EVERYTHING lol)
I lost 2 yrs of my life because of my stubborness. once I accepted my disease and started really listening, LIFE STARTED HAPPENING.
IT is hard work, But i'm sure you and your family are worth it....
Keep posting you have alot of support here..... NED
I lost 2 yrs of my life because of my stubborness. once I accepted my disease and started really listening, LIFE STARTED HAPPENING.
IT is hard work, But i'm sure you and your family are worth it....
Keep posting you have alot of support here..... NED
Lurker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Western NC
Posts: 783
Originally Posted by Tazman53
Andy I know you are thinking "My God where did he find the time to do all that stuff?", beleive it or not it takes me less time to stay sober and happy then it did for me to stay drunk and miserable and cost a whole lot less money!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Dayton Ohio area
Posts: 8
WOW, I didnt think I would get any kind of response like that. Thank you all for them. Taz really hit home. I'm going to quit. My question now is , Is there any books out there that I can buy at the bookstore on how to quit. I'm having spinal surgery on Friday the 23rd of Feburary. Yup that soon. I like to read, and wont be able to get out after Thursday. I'm looking forward to waking up in pain only in my back and not in my head too. Can I buy a Big Book in a store? Any titles will be appreciated.
Thanks
Andy
Thanks
Andy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
BWMF, call your local AA office. Someone will bring you a Big Book at the Hospitsal. Start at the beginning.......
Also, if you can get ahold of 'Under the Influence', it's a good read too. I use it to supplement my AA program.
Also, if you can get ahold of 'Under the Influence', it's a good read too. I use it to supplement my AA program.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Dayton Ohio area
Posts: 8
Well its been 8 days now without any beer. Not many, but 8 more than I had before I started. I'm not sure if its been easier because of my surgery and having pain pills or what, but I'll take it. I just hope that once I'm off the pills, the urge wont come back again. I think thats going to be another hurdle I'm going to have to jump when that time comes.
Andy
Andy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
8 days is fantastic!
Do you have a plan for what to do now. I think that stopping drinking is the beginning. Then, comes the rest of the journey. For me, it involved a lot of changes.
Do you have a plan for what to do now. I think that stopping drinking is the beginning. Then, comes the rest of the journey. For me, it involved a lot of changes.
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