jjaaam

Let's make a long story short. After three or four tries I am still drinking, and it is pushing my wife to the point of divorce.

She just told me today that "I can't have my cake and eat it too". I will admit that I am lying quite a bit to cover it up.

Damn!! What is so wrong with having a few drinks? I'm not doing it around my kids or my wife. What the hell is so wrong with wanting to just chill out? I work almost 80 hours a week. What is the big freakin' deal?!?!?

I am finding myself not wanting to hang out with the family so I can drink. My marriage is not the greatest (not just due to the drinking) and that doesn't help. There are times when I am around her that my mind screams out.

I have already said numerous times that I was going to quit. But...I always end up wanting to do it. There has got to be some reason why I can't see the forest for the trees. There has got to be some reason why a normal life isn't good enough for me.

I'll go through a period of saying that I DO need to quit, that everything else is more important than me, and I'll do better. Hell, I just BEGGED my wife not to leave me a few days ago...and I turned around and have drank probably four out of the last six days.

Since I work so much, most of the time I can get away with it because the family is not home when I am.

I love nothing better than to spend a few hours at the bar playing NTN trivia. I would almost rather do that then go see my kids play sports. I KNOW that is f'd up, but it's true!

The thing I am scared about is that I have done this over and over before. I KNOW that I will lie and do it again. I love when the family goes out of town and I can drink in peace.

Everyone here talks about how life is so much better sober. Is it really? I just can't seem to fathom it. The longest I went was about three months and all I could think about was how pissed off I was because my wife gave me the ultimatum that I could NOT DRINK. Who the hell is she to tell me what to do? What gives her the right to have that kind of control over me? She isn't my mother.

I resent her so flippin' much right now that I can't stand it. I know my kids don't deserve any grief. I don't get plastered in front of them (I used to, but not now), so how can that be an issue?

I'm just so confused right now. My wife won't believe a word I say because of the lies. I REALLY want to say screw it and go get hammered tonight.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing this as a way to get her to divorce me. I keep having thoughts that being alone would make me happy. I would get to see my kids through visitation, and I could finally do what I want to do for a change instead of having to kiss everyone else's ass.

I know whoever is reading this is saying "this guy is f'd up". Maybe so. I want to go get hammered SO BAD RIGHT NOW that I almost really don't care about anything else.

I just don't know what to do.

If a normal life is so much f'n better, then WHY CAN'T I JUST QUIT?!?!?!?!?

jules1973

You cannot "just quit" because your an alcoholic. If we choose the drink or the drug over the people we love the most in this life and we would weigh the options of divorce or drinking........the proof is in the pudding my friend.....you are letting the alcoholic mind think for you at this point......YOU have to want to quit or it just won't happen......that is the bottom line, your wife cannot make that choice for you.
You have to WANT TO QUIT.....

jjaaam

Great. I guess it's just that simple, right?

OK..."I want to quit".

There. I said it.

Now...let's go get drunk.

Look...I'm sorry for the sarcasm, but it just isn't that simple!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nogard

Welcome to SR No was not thinking that, but was nodding because I can identify with some of the things your going through.


When we constantly say one thing and do another, others , particularly those close to us, shut down slowly, they don't believe us.

If your an Addict like me then your best bet is to do some of the things folks around here do.

Talk about what is going on
Keep talking about it
don't pick up just for today.
get into a program fast
tell your family what your doing and DO it.
talk to other addicts every day.
get to meetings
work your prgram

Thats it simple eh? It is but being in recovery is challenging but so worth it. we get clean and sober which is what we wanted, then we get a whole new life if we stick at it.

Hang in there.

Kevin

jjaaam

"we get clean and sober which is what we wanted"

That's the problem, Kevin.

I can't say 100% for sure that IS what I want!

We all know that drinking can make the BS go away, even though it will still be there after the hangover.

But isn't having it gone for a little while better then not at all?

nogard

well if you make your mind up that is the case ...

yep it is, but iIF Your an addict that can also be your sneaky addiction saying; "see your ok, drink away"

Perhaps read some more of the posts here and in the other forums first.

and as to 'we all kno....'

I knew nothing when I quit but thought I was master of all even though I dribbled and peed myself.

Hope you decide soon.

Kevin

jjaaam

jules,

I know my wife can't make that choice for me. But essentially that is what she is doing, isn't it?

What the hell kind of a choice is that? "Quit or I'll leave". From the outside looking in it would seem normal to say "OK - I don't want to lose what I have".

From the inside, though, I want to tell her to shut the hell up and quit trying to control me and my life.

She is MAKING me make that choice, and I resent the hell out of her for it. It makes me want to drink even more.

TamTam

Hi- Welcome to SR. No, it isn't easy- as a matter of fact it is the hardest da** thing I have ever done! That said, is the emotional rollercoaster worth it? He!! yes.

Trying to imagine the rest of your life without alcohol is overwhelming, I know. Think of it as trying to lift 365lbs. -maybe you are really buff and can, I can't... But I CAN lift 1lb at a time- it is a lot more manageable. **One day at a time. Don't drink TODAY.

As Jules said, you have to do it for YOU- not your wife, kids or anyone else.

Glad you found us- read, read, read, and post. Stay here with us- we all need each other to get thru, but ultimately the one you have to rely on most is yourself.

Best of luck, my friend- keep coming back.

TamTam

**one more thing- your wife might benefit from alanon-

and if and when you decide quitting is for you, try to get to an AA mtg. I find them helpful.

nogard

One day at a time.

jjaaam

Tam-

My wife thinks she is above all of that (AlAnon). When we went to marriage counseling a year ago she sat there with her damn arms folded while I talked for an hour. She thinks that there is nothing wrong with her, and that I am the problem.

She has told me point blank that she "went to the counseling for me". What BS. Geez...thanks for the favor, honey.

You would think that she might...just might...think that she may have had a role in the hell of a marriage that we have.

It sucks even when I wasn't drinking!!!

OR...

It sucked because I WANT to drink and I CAN'T due to her CONTROL.

Which is it?

jules1973

jjaaam- your wife could never make the choice for you. By her telling you that she will leave if you don't quit....won't be what stops you from picking up....you will find ways around that....we always do.

It is NOT easy...there is nothing EASY about this....but it IS simple.....
Do not pick up
and if you do you run the risk of losing everything. Resenting the ones that force us to see our problem is what we do at first...then, in time...we grow and become different people and we see that we forced them (our disease forced them) to react to us that way.

Just stay online and post away if you have to....as long as you don't pick up and every day that you don't pick up things will get better.....I cannot explain it....they just do.

We could join your bashing but it won't do you or us any good...all we can tell you is what worked for us. It sucked and it was harder than hell....it still is because I am pretty new......and some days are better than others but my WORST day sober is still better than any day I was using or drinking....that is a fact.

nogard

I found flapping around and blaming people places and things was more of my dis ease and yet another excuse to get out of it.

Best to stay focused on you and read other threads here.

Kevin

TamTam

J- My friend's wife sounds a lot like yours. He is going to AA and taking care of himself. Things are getting better day by day.

lostmdboy

You may not believe this, but you are the same as me. I have been to the counseling. I have sat there as my wife talked about how F(*&ed up I was, Shoot I think we went through atleast 5, because when they would get to close to my drinking I would find some way to discredit the counseler. Or just screw it up. Let me tell you I thought everyone else had the problem. I was looking to **** everyone off to get a way from "her" so I could find some where ro slowly kill my self. I had my bags pack many times. All alone it was the alcohol talking. You have to quit for YOU!!! until then I think it will not work, but let me tell you give it a chance. I do not know why you work so much, but if I wereyou I would try to not so much, and spend some time with your famally. They grow up so fast, and will be gone so fast that you will look back, and wonder where they went. PLEASE give it a chance. when you are sober i promis you will see that some of the problem ( my case most) is you, and the alcohol is not going to help any, but to get you more misarable.

nogard

"We" do this with help from each other. '.... One addict helping another....'

Kevin

dobiediva

Hi jjaaam. I'm not an alcoholic so I can't say anything from that point of view. But I do LOVE one. And let me tell ya, it will and DOES make a person crazy. Imagine a world where you are lied to over and over again, patronized, spoken down to, neglected, called names, and sometimes even worse. Imagine that you love the person doing this with all your heart yet they ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS choose the bottle over you. They'd rather sit in the bar, on the couch, in another room away from you than spend time with you. They blame you for their problems. You try to do everything you can to fix it and make it better but your best is never good enough, they just keep raising the bar to impossible heights. Your heart (if you weren't an addict and were capable of TRULY feeling) would break. Eventually it would harden to protect you. You would start to do whatever it took to get them to stop, even hurt them back.

YOU, the alcoholic, are lucky in that you can numb your pain even if its only temporary. Those who are involved with you (your wife, kids, family) cannot numb that pain. They go through the progression of your disease STONE COLD SOBER. They watch the man they love become this ugly, heartless disease. And don't think that just because you don't get hammered when your kids are around that they don't feel the effects. How would you feel if your very own father would rather sit in the bar playing games than watch your sports events??? That CRUSHES a kid!!!

I don't know you or your wife. But your resentment towards her is VERY OBVIOUS. If we here can sense it I can only imagine what SHE (and your kids) senses and reacts to. I know she isn't perfect. She has her issues too. Alcohol may not be the only problem in your marriage, but speaking as someone who has been there IT'S A HUGE PROBLEM. If she won't go to Alanon and get help for HER issues she will get worse. Just like you will if you don't get help for yours. I would suggest you read some of the posts from the family and friends of alcoholics section for another point of view...to see the pain WE who love an alcoholic go through. Not only the wives, but the children.

I hope that the fact you are here eeking answers will help you in your desire to get sober for YOU. Let the resentment you have towards your wife go. It will eat you up and doesn't help anything...
Or heck, use it to your advantage and get sober so you can throw it in her face!! What have you got to lose??

GlassPrisoner

jjaaam, I've been there, done that.

Read dobiediva's post above and try and see how your wife feels. If you're like I was, you probably can't, or won't empathize with her. When I was drinking, it was everyones fault/issue/problem but mine, especially my (ex) wifes.

But you know what ? I doesn't &*()% matter WHOSE at fault. What matters is that you quit drinking, or face the consequences. Which, I may add based on personal experience, can be quite severe.

skunkape

Nothing will "fix" your problem save finding a way to stay sober and not just stay sober, but be happy with your life. If and only if you can achieve that, then you will have found a way out of your alcoholism. Many people do it many different ways. Some use AA, NA, some use Smartrecovery, some just figure it out on their own. Some use God as the cornerstone of their strength. The point is that your entire attitude MUST change if you want to change or you will end up drinking again. Addicts try anything to "fix" their problem. Try to "fix" your thinking.

Best of luck,
Chris

AAFreeportPA

Hello Jjaam. My name is Mark and I am an Alcoholic.

This is yet another mystery of our disease. We go around in circles as a dog chasing its own tail, looking for that mysterious reason "why". It's a prime example of how cunning, baffling and powerful Alcoholism can be for it affects one physically, mentally and physically.

I've went for years as an active drunk, blaming people places and things for my own out-of-control drinking. It was only through the experience, strength and hope from others that have been there that I was able to see that it is all up to me to not pick up Just For Today.

Since we can't quit as proven through our allergic reaction to alcohol or other drugs we found that we can at least abstain for 24 hours. By doing this One Day At A Time one can find a new happiness. Looking back one can see how much Time they acquired and realize the new freedom and a new happiness.

That's the secret. Some people just can't quit. If such people could then they wouldn't have had such problems.

What we suggest is that people who think they have a problem with alcohol or other drugs is to start with 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, read the Big Book and identify, not compare. If you believe that you're an Alcoholic you'll see that this is merely the beginning of the maintainence of a disease that will always be with you, like cancer, diabetes or TB. It's where you will have taken the First Step in dealing with your problem.

You'll find that we've had many of the same problems and have learned to cope with them. You can too as long as you're Honest, Open-minded and Willing to do so. That the H.O.W. in "How It Works".

It's H.O.W. I have over three years in Sobriety. It works. It really does.

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.