Possible I just can't get it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Baltimore MD
Posts: 3
Possible I just can't get it?
Hi, I'm new to this forum. It looks really supportive.
I started going to meetings a few months ago after I lost my husband and my house and my friends and my mental and physical health--I couldn't leave the house out of paranoia and I got down to 90 pounds--and my job was going to be next to go. So I thought I was really ready to work the program and I did everything suggested and it really gave me hope...
But I keep drinking. What will have to happen before I stop? This last time I made it over 30 days, but then my doctor prescribed Campral, and I think the idea that it might work to reduce my cravings actually scared me. Does this mean I'm not ready? Instead of picking up the prescription I bought a half-gallon of vodka, ended up spending all my money on drugs, some of which I never even did before, this guy crashed my car, I got stuck in a really scary neighborhood, and when I finally made it home I realized the guy had my keys and I couldn't get in.
And then I proceeded to drink, etc. all week. I think about how much better life got by the end of those 30 days, and I don't understand why I am doing this. My sponsor just tells me, "if you want to drink, you just will." But the thing is, I really don't want to.
Thanks for listening.
I started going to meetings a few months ago after I lost my husband and my house and my friends and my mental and physical health--I couldn't leave the house out of paranoia and I got down to 90 pounds--and my job was going to be next to go. So I thought I was really ready to work the program and I did everything suggested and it really gave me hope...
But I keep drinking. What will have to happen before I stop? This last time I made it over 30 days, but then my doctor prescribed Campral, and I think the idea that it might work to reduce my cravings actually scared me. Does this mean I'm not ready? Instead of picking up the prescription I bought a half-gallon of vodka, ended up spending all my money on drugs, some of which I never even did before, this guy crashed my car, I got stuck in a really scary neighborhood, and when I finally made it home I realized the guy had my keys and I couldn't get in.
And then I proceeded to drink, etc. all week. I think about how much better life got by the end of those 30 days, and I don't understand why I am doing this. My sponsor just tells me, "if you want to drink, you just will." But the thing is, I really don't want to.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Middle Ga
Posts: 1,515
Hi syusha- Welcome to SR. You can get it when you're really ready. I'm glad you found us- there is a lot of support here. You have to do the work- all of it- all the time. You CAN do it. Hit as many mtgs as possible-
Keep coming back to let us know how you are doing.
Keep coming back to let us know how you are doing.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Syusha,
I know that early sobriety is confusing and emotional and scary.
I struggled with relapses many times until I finally figured out that I didn't really believe that I should/could succeed. I had become so accustomed to failure in my life, that even though things were a mess, it felt comfortable. When I got a few weeks sober, anxiety set in and I would return to drinking. What if I actually succeed, then what? It was a scary thought and easier to drink.
I know you have to be really motivated to stop drinking, to really work hard on it every day.
You can do this, if you want to.
I know that early sobriety is confusing and emotional and scary.
I struggled with relapses many times until I finally figured out that I didn't really believe that I should/could succeed. I had become so accustomed to failure in my life, that even though things were a mess, it felt comfortable. When I got a few weeks sober, anxiety set in and I would return to drinking. What if I actually succeed, then what? It was a scary thought and easier to drink.
I know you have to be really motivated to stop drinking, to really work hard on it every day.
You can do this, if you want to.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
In your head, it makes no sense to drink, right? I mean...you know what you've lost, the things you've been through. I had it in my head for a very long time. In order to stop and stay stopped, I had to allow it to sink into my heart.
You have a sponsor -- great! Maybe she can help you uncover the reservation(s) you have that's preventing you from being willing to experience a life of sobriety. Knowing it in my head was not enough. I had to know it in my heart.
You got 30 days one day at a time. For me, I renew that committment every single day. Perhaps a routine of prayer and meditation might help you to remember to do that? (one of my sponsees put sticky notes everywhere that said: "PRAY!")
Peace & Love,
Sugah
You have a sponsor -- great! Maybe she can help you uncover the reservation(s) you have that's preventing you from being willing to experience a life of sobriety. Knowing it in my head was not enough. I had to know it in my heart.
You got 30 days one day at a time. For me, I renew that committment every single day. Perhaps a routine of prayer and meditation might help you to remember to do that? (one of my sponsees put sticky notes everywhere that said: "PRAY!")
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Middle Ga
Posts: 1,515
I had a hard time praying because I just didn't know how. I was told you only have to remember 2 prayers... Please help me ..and .. Thank you.
You are right, Sugah- knowing in your head just isn't enough, you have to know it in your heart and soul. Thanks to you and Anna for your wisdom.
You are right, Sugah- knowing in your head just isn't enough, you have to know it in your heart and soul. Thanks to you and Anna for your wisdom.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
syusha.... Welcome to sR!
I too had a hard time staying sober
I would drink and then go back to AA.
I kept trying..and
the drinking periods lasted a shorter time
the AA sober time grew longer.
Then I finally quit drinking.
This can be true for you too.
Hugs
I too had a hard time staying sober
I would drink and then go back to AA.
I kept trying..and
the drinking periods lasted a shorter time
the AA sober time grew longer.
Then I finally quit drinking.
This can be true for you too.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: road to recovery
Posts: 1,689
remain willing. that is key.
find some meetings that fit you. go to as many as you can even if you don't want or feel the need to. just get in the habit. it will keep you out of trouble.
keep coming back. ****{hugs}}}
find some meetings that fit you. go to as many as you can even if you don't want or feel the need to. just get in the habit. it will keep you out of trouble.
keep coming back. ****{hugs}}}
Your getting great advice here, you will also get support, even across the miles, no explaining that but it works.'55 Classic
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Waco, TX
Posts: 637
Syusha,
Please take heart... some of us have been right where you are if not worse. I see where you talk about the time you had and that you had a sponsor. If you also have a Big Book then you will find in the Doctor's Opinion (page xxiv) something that you may draw comfort from...
"-that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, nor were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete.
The doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us. As laymen, our opinion as to its soundness may, of course, mean little. But as ex-problem drinkers, we can say that his explanation makes good sense. It explains many things for which we cannot otherwise account."
You may have to return to the doctor for some physical treatment of your alcoholic condition to go along with that which is given to you by the program. To leave out the physical aspect of this disease is not only foolish, it is dangerous. I was kinda' dumb and went cold turkey when I sobered up. I suffered from anxiety and mild paranoia. I paced around like a caged animal. The physical part was there as well. I shook. I felt ill. I had headaches. And the cravings... I missed my old friend, alcohol. It used to steady my nerves. It used to give me comfort before it turned on me. However, what I went through was nothing compared to what others have been through. One guy I know came in weighing 180 and within a short period had lost down to 130. He said he literally shook it off. (Living on coffee and cigarettes didn't hurt the process either I'm sure.) He said he could have threaded a sewing machine with it running he shook so bad. There are other things that can happen too. We have to take care of our physical condition as well, but we MUST let our doctors know everything...even when something they try doesn't seem to be helping. Tell them! Don't self-diagnose.
Try reading more in the book about your condition. See what it says. For an alcoholic you ARE doing what comes natural to us...drinking. However, to save your life, we are now asking that you do the un-natural thing.
Keep in touch and don't give up.
Please take heart... some of us have been right where you are if not worse. I see where you talk about the time you had and that you had a sponsor. If you also have a Big Book then you will find in the Doctor's Opinion (page xxiv) something that you may draw comfort from...
"-that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, nor were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete.
The doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us. As laymen, our opinion as to its soundness may, of course, mean little. But as ex-problem drinkers, we can say that his explanation makes good sense. It explains many things for which we cannot otherwise account."
You may have to return to the doctor for some physical treatment of your alcoholic condition to go along with that which is given to you by the program. To leave out the physical aspect of this disease is not only foolish, it is dangerous. I was kinda' dumb and went cold turkey when I sobered up. I suffered from anxiety and mild paranoia. I paced around like a caged animal. The physical part was there as well. I shook. I felt ill. I had headaches. And the cravings... I missed my old friend, alcohol. It used to steady my nerves. It used to give me comfort before it turned on me. However, what I went through was nothing compared to what others have been through. One guy I know came in weighing 180 and within a short period had lost down to 130. He said he literally shook it off. (Living on coffee and cigarettes didn't hurt the process either I'm sure.) He said he could have threaded a sewing machine with it running he shook so bad. There are other things that can happen too. We have to take care of our physical condition as well, but we MUST let our doctors know everything...even when something they try doesn't seem to be helping. Tell them! Don't self-diagnose.
Try reading more in the book about your condition. See what it says. For an alcoholic you ARE doing what comes natural to us...drinking. However, to save your life, we are now asking that you do the un-natural thing.
Keep in touch and don't give up.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Originally Posted by syusha 
Hi, I'm new to this forum.
What will have to happen before I stop? This last time I made it over 30 days, but then my doctor prescribed Campral, and I think the idea that it might work to reduce my cravings actually scared me. Does this mean I'm not ready? Instead of picking up the prescription I bought a half-gallon of vodka, ended up spending all my money on drugs, some of which I never even did before, this guy crashed my car, I got stuck in a really scary neighborhood, and when I finally made it home I realized the guy had my keys and I couldn't get in.
And then I proceeded to drink, etc. all week. I think about how much better life got by the end of those 30 days, and I don't understand why I am doing this. My sponsor just tells me, "if you want to drink, you just will." But the thing is, I really don't want to.
Thanks for listening.
What will have to happen before I stop? This last time I made it over 30 days, but then my doctor prescribed Campral, and I think the idea that it might work to reduce my cravings actually scared me. Does this mean I'm not ready? Instead of picking up the prescription I bought a half-gallon of vodka, ended up spending all my money on drugs, some of which I never even did before, this guy crashed my car, I got stuck in a really scary neighborhood, and when I finally made it home I realized the guy had my keys and I couldn't get in.
And then I proceeded to drink, etc. all week. I think about how much better life got by the end of those 30 days, and I don't understand why I am doing this. My sponsor just tells me, "if you want to drink, you just will." But the thing is, I really don't want to.
Thanks for listening.
But fortunately there are many recovering alcoholics here at SR that are willing to listen, answer any questions you have, if we can.
Theres nothing wrong with you that you can't fix! Just start off saying that to yourself, its true............
Maybe not the first try, but one of these times it will stick.
I reccomend the book "Under the Influence" Its comforting to me to understand this disease that I have, and the book is very eye opening.
Hugs your way, best wishes, Hope3.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
syusha, welcome to recovery...
syusha yep, we believe you dont want to...
for years, i didnt want to... i thought i had to.. it wasnt until i had a emotional rearangment... my reaction to life, others, and the real hard one... me!... could i put the drink/drug down .. and keep it down up til today... i say today, because tomorrrow aint here yet...
good wishes.................... xxoo, rz
syusha
My sponsor just tells me, "if you want to drink, you just will." But the thing is, I really don't want to.
for years, i didnt want to... i thought i had to.. it wasnt until i had a emotional rearangment... my reaction to life, others, and the real hard one... me!... could i put the drink/drug down .. and keep it down up til today... i say today, because tomorrrow aint here yet...
good wishes.................... xxoo, rz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Baltimore MD
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone.
The morning after I wrote that a couple of friends had me over and told me that if i didn't go to rehab they would be in touch with my parents--who we all knew would be sure i would go to rehab. The funny thing is my sponsor called and told me the same thing the same day. Finally I let them drive me to my parents' house, and it looks like I'll be going to treatment sometime soon. I tried to explain to my dad that i needed to stay at my place last night to 'get my stuff together,' but they weren't letting it happen. My dad actually drove me to a meeting last night and waited in the next room to make sure I stayed.
I'm scared but really relieved. I really do want this.
The morning after I wrote that a couple of friends had me over and told me that if i didn't go to rehab they would be in touch with my parents--who we all knew would be sure i would go to rehab. The funny thing is my sponsor called and told me the same thing the same day. Finally I let them drive me to my parents' house, and it looks like I'll be going to treatment sometime soon. I tried to explain to my dad that i needed to stay at my place last night to 'get my stuff together,' but they weren't letting it happen. My dad actually drove me to a meeting last night and waited in the next room to make sure I stayed.
I'm scared but really relieved. I really do want this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Finding out what I have been missing!
Posts: 1,011
Syusha, You came to a great place, you will find a lot of support here... If keep trying you will succeed.
You might want to look into an Oxford House when get out of treatment. It is a pleasant alternative to having to try and live all on your own right away. Here is a link
http://www.oxfordhouse.org/
You might want to look into an Oxford House when get out of treatment. It is a pleasant alternative to having to try and live all on your own right away. Here is a link
http://www.oxfordhouse.org/
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: here, there, everywhere
Posts: 2,112
good for you on going to treatment! i hope you post when you get out, so we know how you are doing.
one thing i have found in myself is that i have a tendency to "self sabotage". when things are going really well for me, it's like i have this little voice telling me i don't deserve this....and sometimes it seems that almost "against my will", i screw things up. it's almost like i'm more comfortable being a screw up for some reason.
hopefully, the further along i get in my recovery, and the more my self esteem returns, that will change
i'm sure it will for you, too. you deserve better
good luck
one thing i have found in myself is that i have a tendency to "self sabotage". when things are going really well for me, it's like i have this little voice telling me i don't deserve this....and sometimes it seems that almost "against my will", i screw things up. it's almost like i'm more comfortable being a screw up for some reason.
hopefully, the further along i get in my recovery, and the more my self esteem returns, that will change
i'm sure it will for you, too. you deserve better
good luck
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