Macphisto

Well, I honestly thought I had this thing under control. Right now it's only Tuesday night and I'm about 8 to 10 beers in. I was doing really good and thinking I could keep this "beast" under control. I know I've been an Alchoholic for a few years now but I guess I've got to face the hard cold truth. It's about 11:00 and I have to et to work in the morning and know I will be feeeling terrible. The truth is that since new years eve I've had a little bit of coke stashed away thinking I wouldn't do it, well, tonight after about 5 beers I decided I would do a line just to chill out and relax.. we know how all that turn out right?.. I'm glad I didn't have much so all i've done is a couple of lines and I' out. Now I'm feeling really alert and know I won't get to sleep for a few more hours.. I honestly don't even know what to think, My vice has always been the drinking and I have goe periods of over a year withought doing coke. Maybe it's being under the influence that's making me feel like such a failure or maybe it's something I've known deep down inside. I'm mainly writing this so that someone who may relate can realize what they are doing and take my advice and not do it... For a couple of years now I have come on this forum and said that I was willing to quit but now I just feel like I can't. To me my mind is always saying that I can control this addiction but the reality is tha the addicrtion is controlling my mind... I' like so many of you that have everything "seemingly" together but deep down inside I know things are not o.k... My vice isn't the coke because I can take it or leave it for long peroiods of time but when I do do it I get in this destructive behavior... Destructive only to myself though because I won't go out and put myself in harms way but I get this feeling of euphoria and and just want to continue... I don't now, right now I just wanted someone to be able to relate to what I'm feeling. I had decided that this was the year that things would get better because I have a son that just utrned one and another son that will be born in April. Up to this point I have kept my ob which I have had for 11 years and I'm really good at it and my boss just gave me a glowing review... So what doe sthat mean? I know I could be a better employee, husband, father, etc but maybe I'm just destined to end up like my father.. he recently had a stroke and is now with very limmited mobility and I think really deoressed. We had all always told him that he needed to stop drinking and take care of his high blood pressure and Diabities but he never did. The one good thing is that I take care of those things even though I still continue to drink... Damn, I was feeling so good today and playing with my son until he went to sleep but then that little voice jsut said have a couple of drinks to relax and everything willl be o.k.. Well, it's not too late, thinks will still be o.k. but mentally I just feel like I leyt myself and my family down... I could go on about how we have all these things even though I'm drinking but it might just be a matter of time before it gets to a point where I loose everything.... I love reading stories on this board because they bring me back to reality but unfortunately today I thought I was "strong enough".. I hope to do better tommorrow and the next day but just wanted to newbies to realize how powerfull this sickness is.. I haven't lost much due to it but have heard some real horror stories... I hope I don't become oneof them and hope everyone cna say a preayer for my sobriety attempt..

thank you all..

CarolD

Ah yes...Russian Roulette
Eacg time you play
you lessen the odds of quitting.

Good Luck

Macphisto

Well, Bad news and Good news from last night.. The Bad is that I woke up this morning feeling GREAT... That's bad because there was absolutely no down side to my behavior thus I can't see it as a bad thing..

The GOOD news is that I feel good this morning and don't have to go through the whole hungover thing and can be productive at work and at home... I'll give it another shot at quitting but I honestly don't feel very optimistic about it since I don't have many really negative things that I can look back on..

Anyway, have a great day people, hope it's a sober one..

t-bear

Why wait for the negative things to come and bite you in the butt?

Go to some meetings and listen to what happens to those that remain clean and sober, then listen to when they didn't. Learn for their mistakes!
I have 19 years of sobriety and it may not have always been the easy way, but it has always been the best way.

Good Luck